Wife recently moved out

[mark982]

if you're right. their boss would just love to know,along with video tape at the house at 3 am.

[Gunny376]

You got anything left in that bottle? Pass it over please. I have plenty of PTSD though, so don't need anymore of that.

 

 

"Where's the rum? Why is there never any rum?"

[man_of_ability]

I was withdrawing cash today at an ATM and I happened to observe the same exact car which I previously noticed was parked overnight at my wife's residence. Funny coincidence.

 

This location I was at was in the parking lot of what also happens to be the same building my spouse works in. Again, what a coincidence!

 

Thus I am reasonably sure that the person who bunked with my wife for the night also works with her. This is confirmation of what I had already suspected.

 

I know who it is, I just have no proof.

[mark982]

that's where the video comes in handy.

[man_of_ability]

Yes a video would come in handy. price for video: $1000-2500

 

To be paid for without the knowledge of spouse.

[tojaz]

Yes a video would come in handy. price for video: $1000-2500

 

To be paid for without the knowledge of spouse.

 

Well, If you know the car, and you know where he works, a trip an hour before the start of work would be all you need right? Maybe a set of binoculars? If you really want to know. Me, I don't know for sure that i would.

TOJAZ

[LisaUk]

Me, knowing now how dishonest people are, I would be on full out stake out, covert operation with dohnuts and all, camera, binocs, at their work, at her place! Provided I could do it without getting caught and arrested for stalking that is! LOL

 

Seriously though Man, if you really do want to know, set yourself up in your car and wait.

[man_of_ability]

Well, If you know the car, and you know where he works, a trip an hour before the start of work would be all you need right? Maybe a set of binoculars? If you really want to know. Me, I don't know for sure that i would.

TOJAZ

 

Well, I have already went this far. I can't undo what I already saw. Now it's just a matter of if I want proof or not.

[Owl]

If you want to verify who owns it, simply from a visual viewpoint, then you can do something to check on this. Now, I have no idea on the legality of this idea...but it's a thought.

 

Call your wife's business from a local payphone. Tell them a story...that you saw a rock through a window on the car you suspect, that you're a local towing company about to repo the car but wanted to talk to the owner first, whatever you think of to get him to come down to the car.

 

Sit in another car close enough to see him, but far enough away to avoid being spotted.

 

There ya go.

[broken hearted]

Haha, I like the way you think Owl!! Where were you when I needed to catch my husband?

[Owl]

LOL...don't ask what I did in my 'former life'!!!

 

I used several similar tactics to get information on my wife's OM during her affair. All I had on him to begin with was his first name, work email address, his character names from an MMORPG we played, and that he lived in Ohio.

 

I started by running internet searches using combinations of that information...found out what company he worked for from the email address, got information on them, got information on a LOT of the stuff he did online.

 

Called the company and got his full name, direct extension, and that he walked to work (you gotta love chatty admins!)

 

That gave me a range for a home address...BINGO...home telephone number and home address.

 

Cross reference the full name and home address...BINGO, information on his divorce decree. Called the landlord for the bldg he lived in...found out what kind of truck he drove. A little more information got me his plates.

 

It goes on and on...but the bottom line is that it's amazing what you can find out on someone if you're good at research and also an outgoing, 'friendly' person on the phone.

 

What's really fun is to sit and consider all the fun things you can do with all that information. You know...like call a towing/repair company from across town, tell them the full information on his vehicle, and ask them to tow it in to troubleshoot and fix a bogus problem. Guess who gets to pay the towing bill before he gets his car back?

 

Not that I did any such thing...the affair ended pretty quickly once d-day hit, for a lot of reasons. But, it's still nice to have those options available...LOL!

[mark982]

geez owl, remind me not to pizz you off!

[man_of_ability]

Thanks to all. Those are all good ideas. The thing is I don't really need to stake out the place and see who comes out to the car. I know who it's going to be. I know the guys name, address, email address, etc.

 

I haven't got visual confirmation, but I really don't need it. Gut feeling.

 

I'm still trying to decide if I want to go for proof with an investigator. It may be very expensive and tricky to get, since they are coworkers they know they have to keep this very secret in public.

 

I don't see much on her phone record to/from this guy. There was one 6 minute call from him the day after the incident but nothing since then. There could be work phone calls and I will never know about them.

 

It is possible that this was a one night incident that wasn't exactly planned...you know how when people abuse alcohol and it leads to bad things happening.

 

I'm not making excuses, whatever happened that night, it was wrong for him to be there. I'm only saying it would have to happen on a regular basis for this to be easy to get proof on by an investigator. More work = much more money.

 

ShouldI confront with what I already know or just lay low and observe until I have a better idea of what's going on? Right now she has no idea I suspect anything.

[phineas]

If you know where he lives, do a drive by at night.

His car should be in the drive way.

[Custody-Won]

First let’s be truthful about one thing!!!!!!!!!!! You found out what you already knew. So now what to do????????????? Ok this guy destroyed your marriage, or so you think. Did he really? Your wife had no business keeping friends who didn’t like you, and did not reinforce your relationship with her. That is always a RED FLAG.

 

I can point out a few other FLAGS but why bother. We are where we are, so what to do going forward? Forget about causing trouble for them, they are going to have enough on their own. People who do things like this (and I mean both of them) have bad comma their whole life.

 

I would tell what I would do but it might not be for you. As far as looking up his auto on public record, bad idea. The state is going to want a reason why you are doing this and when you tell them, they are not going to release that info.

 

I would file for Divorce and never talk to her again. But you will know when you are there.

 

Right now you have shown to be an above board guy. She has shown her true self. Why do anything at all that will make you wrong. Just keep that in mind. Today you are right; the only one who can change that is you with some stupid act. No confrontations, no more drive by’s, no more anything. Go talk to a lawyer, or as we said before “Man the F**K up”. You know what you have to do.

 

 

When a man knows that he is right, he doesn’t have to tell anyone, advertise it, publish it, he doesn’t have to do anything. Because when a man knows he is right, that is enough for a man.

 

 

You are right, Stay that way

 

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[man_of_ability]

Update....It's a few weeks later. I haven't posted lately b/c not much is new. I am still separated. My spouse came back from a business trip a few weekends ago and basically said she thought the marriage wasn't worth the time and effort and listed out to me many things that I have done wrong. It was quite depressing. She said she thought she would miss me after she left but over the past month she's been gone she was much happier than when she was here, even in a tiny crappy apartment.

 

She took her two cats while she was here.

 

I asked her who would keep the ring and she said we split it. I disagreed saying 2 1/2 years of marriage and her walking away is like a broken engagement, and told her she should return it to me. She took it off and threw it on the table. So at that time it was on the brink of complete failure.

 

Well before she left she put the ring back on. Then this past week she cam over Wednesday to excercise, Saturday to do a live band, and Sunday to work in the yard and other things......

 

WTF. These mixed signals are confusing!! I think part of her it's over speech was a result of her being out of town on a business trip and spending time while out of town with another one of her single friends that is encouraging her separation. I'm not sure she meant some of the things she was saying.

 

We always are a little further apart after she returns. This time it was even worse since we are separated.

 

I am still quite lonely, and extremely depressed. Not many options on people to talk to.

[man_of_ability]

This past Saturday she wanted me to go with her to her aunt and uncle's family's house, in a different town. She still hasn't told many people about the separation, and none of her family has any idea this is going on.

 

If it is over in her mind, why not be done with it and tell them the truth? Not only did she want me to go with, but while there she acted as if we were a wonderfully happy married couple, telling stories about her wedding ring, etc. She wanted to go there because by them coming here they would find out about her leaving....no furniture in the living room kind of gives it away.

 

She won't be able to keep this deception going forever. When we were there they mentioned next get together they would come here.

 

This just doesn't seem right. I know I shouldn't have gone with her, and should have had no part of deceiving her family. But I like her aunt and uncle. I am lonely, I have few options to spend my time. I don't want to sit home doing nothing on the weekend. I feel so weak....ugh I hate this.

 

I'm okay with going with her to her family events, IF we were going as a couple while she wants to work on the marriage and possible reconciliation. If she only was trying to delay the truth of her seperation becoming known to her family, then I'm not okay with it.

 

The problem is I'm not sure which one of those situations is closest to the truth.

 

I read somewhere the one who needs the relationship the most has the weakest position. That pretty much describes me.

 

Scroll up for my other update post.

[norajane]

I think part of her it's over speech was a result of her being out of town on a business trip and spending time while out of town with another one of her single friends that is encouraging her separation.

Or her boyfriend. You know, the one she works with and travels with on business? Out of town hotels are great places to carry on an affair.

 

She's giving mixed signals because you wanted the ring back. Instead of begging her to change her mind about the marriage, you tossed it back in her lap. By asking about the ring, you essentially told her ok, then it's over. That threw her off.

 

Stop playing the charade with her family. If she wants it over, then show her what over means. It means you aren't going to be with her at family events, it means the family will be told, and it means you aren't going to allow her to string you along.

 

Find your balls, dude. YOU tell HER it's over. Tell her you are tired of this and are ready to end the marriage. Take control of this farce.

 

Have you spoken to your divorce lawyer yet? YOU SHOULD DO THAT RIGHT NOW.

[man_of_ability]

Or her boyfriend. You know, the one she works with and travels with on business? Out of town hotels are great places to carry on an affair.

 

She's giving mixed signals because you wanted the ring back. Instead of begging her to change her mind about the marriage, you tossed it back in her lap. By asking about the ring, you essentially told her ok, then it's over. That threw her off.

 

Stop playing the charade with her family. If she wants it over, then show her what over means. It means you aren't going to be with her at family events, it means the family will be told, and it means you aren't going to allow her to string you along.

 

Find your balls, dude. YOU tell HER it's over. Tell her you are tired of this and are ready to end the marriage. Take control of this farce.

 

Have you spoken to your divorce lawyer yet? YOU SHOULD DO THAT RIGHT NOW.

 

I do think that discussion threw her off. She was expecting me to beg and I'm not going to do that. Part of me is sick of her BS, and part of me wants my old life back. When we had that discussion, I brought up the rings and I also said she must not be cut out for marriage...I mean come on, 2 1/2 years??? She is a marriage wimp.....that was the essence of the point I was making to her but I did word it more carefully.

 

I'm fairly certain her close male work friend did not accompany her. She does this trip every year and she stays at the house of the woman who is a client that she is there working with. This woman is also a close friend of hers and I know she is encouraging the separation. Beyond that who knows what they did. She didn't talk to me much at all when she was gone.

[norajane]

Have you talked to a divorce lawyer yet? Do it. Now. Understand your right and responsibilities here.

 

Why is your living room empty? Did you not buy the house furniture together? What's going to happen to the house?

 

You can bet she's already spoken to a lawyer, so don't put it off.

[seibert253]

Or her boyfriend. You know, the one she works with and travels with on business? Out of town hotels are great places to carry on an affair.

 

She's giving mixed signals because you wanted the ring back. Instead of begging her to change her mind about the marriage, you tossed it back in her lap. By asking about the ring, you essentially told her ok, then it's over. That threw her off.

 

Stop playing the charade with her family. If she wants it over, then show her what over means. It means you aren't going to be with her at family events, it means the family will be told, and it means you aren't going to allow her to string you along.

 

Find your balls, dude. YOU tell HER it's over. Tell her you are tired of this and are ready to end the marriage. Take control of this farce.

 

Have you spoken to your divorce lawyer yet? YOU SHOULD DO THAT RIGHT NOW.

 

Right here, do this NOW.

Do not do ANYTHING as a couple. Do not contribute to her sherade. She wants to keep up the illusion for her friends and family because she doesn't want them telling her how stupid she is.

Dude, you need to stand up. As Gunny says, run silent, run deep. Go NC or LC. Read up on the 180 and start.

 

I think prior to this you need to have a come to Jesus meeting.

Tell her you will no longer accompany her ANYWHERE, while your seperated. You will not be there for her, you will be giving her the distance she wants.

Tell her you will be giving her time to decide what she wants, but you will not wait around forever.

 

Contact and attorney and have D papers prepared. No need to file, just wait. If she decides she done, have her served immediately.

[Owl]

Expose the situation to those people she's hiding it from.

 

She's doing this for a reason...because she knows that they won't support what she's doing, and she doesn't want to lose their support.

 

Tell them everything...that you believe she's cheating, whatever evidence you've got, tell them about her lying to them and hiding the seperation, all the mean things she's said, etc...

 

Let her deal with the reality of her choices.

 

AND...do as everyone else suggested.

 

Man up. Tell her that enough is enough. If she doesn't like the marriage...get the heck out. Seperate all of your finances, cut her off from any joint accounts/credit cards/etc... Contact a lawyer and get information on divorce and how to protect yourself financially from her actions.

 

Tell her point blank that you're tired of limbo...tired of waiting to see what's gonna happen next, tired of waiting on her to "grow up" and either come home or move on. Tell her it's time NOW to make her choices...and if the choice is to leave, she does it NOT, completely and totally.

 

If that's what she chooses, tell her to come get the rest of her stuff, and all future communications between the two of you will be via lawyer.

 

Here's the thing...if you DON'T man up, do you know what will happen?

 

NOTHING...absolutely nothing.

 

Can you stand remaining where you're at right now forever? Or do you want to do something about it?

[MrMayI]

Expose the situation to those people she's hiding it from.

 

She's doing this for a reason...because she knows that they won't support what she's doing, and she doesn't want to lose their support.

 

Tell them everything...that you believe she's cheating, whatever evidence you've got, tell them about her lying to them and hiding the seperation, all the mean things she's said, etc...

 

Let her deal with the reality of her choices.

 

AND...do as everyone else suggested.

 

Man up. Tell her that enough is enough. If she doesn't like the marriage...get the heck out. Seperate all of your finances, cut her off from any joint accounts/credit cards/etc... Contact a lawyer and get information on divorce and how to protect yourself financially from her actions.

 

Tell her point blank that you're tired of limbo...tired of waiting to see what's gonna happen next, tired of waiting on her to "grow up" and either come home or move on. Tell her it's time NOW to make her choices...and if the choice is to leave, she does it NOT, completely and totally.

 

If that's what she chooses, tell her to come get the rest of her stuff, and all future communications between the two of you will be via lawyer.

 

Here's the thing...if you DON'T man up, do you know what will happen?

 

NOTHING...absolutely nothing.

 

Can you stand remaining where you're at right now forever? Or do you want to do something about it?

 

not to threadjack, but I really needed to read this today.

manofability, heed owl's words. i told my wife i was tired of limbo over 2 weeks ago. i gave her divorce papers my attorney had drawn, and she still has yet to go and sign them.

here i still sit, nothing, absolutely nothing happening. cake eating at its absolute finest.

[man_of_ability]

For being a man of ability, I certainly don't seem to have the ability to attract my wife. Maybe I should get a new screen name.

 

Do you really think NOTHING will happen by continuing dating her as I am now? I keep wanting to hold out hope that she will have some kind of epiphany...see something she has been missing, and make an effort to resolve this. Maybe after living alone for a while longer she will be ready?

 

On the other hand, what would her motivation be for changing this? Currently she is getting the best of both worlds, not being accountable to anyone and at the same time she's able to see me if she wants to, on her schedule, and mostly on her terms. I have been allowing this to happen.

 

I am so angry about this whole thing. This is not how a marriage is supposed to work.

 

I don't think she has actually physically cheated on me, but there's no way I can be sure.

[Gunny376]

There's one way and only one way to deal with this?

 

Decisiveness!

 

Be you man!

 

Be you woman!

 

Be decisive!

 

This is the way it is!

 

This is the way its going to be!

 

Its either my way or the highway!

 

I'm putting my foot down!

 

I'm drawing the line in the sand!

 

These are my standards, and I'm not going to put up with anything less!

 

Come the Devil what may!