A little moral support

[crookedsoul]

Hi all,

 

This is my first post here. I need some help...really I need some good friends to help me to do what I already know in my heart is right.

 

Some details, then...

 

I am 38, and married to a man whom I have often described as a prince among men, because he truly is. He loves me and has never treated me disrepectfully or done anything to deserve betrayal, and we have a daughter, aged 8.

 

My husband is ten years older than me and has health probems. He has had a heart attack and has insulin-dependent diabetes. We have been together for 13 years now, and have not had an active sex life for the last five years. My husband has difficulties with sex because of his health problems and now we share no physical affection at all, not even hand-holding or sitting close to one another, because he says he is afraid that I will make demands of him that he can't meet. My marriage is far from loveless, but it feels very lonely.

 

I have become very close to someone I work with. In the past few weeks, our friendship has become very intense and I have talked to him about my unhappiness at home. We have haltingly declared stronger and stronger feelings for each over the last week, and when I see him, my heart beats just that bit faster...

 

This friend has been the victim of an extra-marital affair (he is divorced now and is very lonely himself) and is also friends with my husband. Neither of us want to betray my husband and I have too much respect and affection for this friend to ever want him to be second-best for anyone, and certainly not for me. So, we know that this can go nowhere.

 

My friend and I have tried a couple of times to have less contact with each other outside of our work, because we both know that to allow our feelings for each other to grow stronger can only result in heartache for one or all of the people involved (my daughter, my husband, him, me) but we have not managed to stop chatting online.

 

I need to tell someone about this and have someone tell me what I already know. I just need some support in ending what I have admitted to myself this evening is actually an emotional affair.

 

Please help.

[Athena]

I need to tell someone about this and have someone tell me what I already know. I just need some support in ending what I have admitted to myself this evening is actually an emotional affair.

 

Hi Crooked, the person you need to tell about this, is your Husband. Once you do that, he will be able to dissuade you from continuing with this affair. Also, hopefully, the information will make him more aware of YOUR NEEDS. Since he seems to have conveniently shut out what it is you need. The mutual solution needs to come from both you and your H. Not us on these boards. Nor by 'pure strength of your new resolve' not to progress this EA into a PA -- because that is where you are headed right now.

[crookedsoul]

Hi Crooked, the person you need to tell about this, is your Husband. Once you do that, he will be able to dissuade you from continuing with this affair. Also, hopefully, the information will make him more aware of YOUR NEEDS. Since he seems to have conveniently shut out what it is you need. The mutual solution needs to come from both you and your H. Not us on these boards. Nor by 'pure strength of your new resolve' not to progress this EA into a PA -- because that is where you are headed right now.

 

I think you may be right, but I'm afraid. I'm afraid that telling my husband will cause all the pain that I so desperately want to avoid causing him, and that he will feel so betrayed that it might even cause the end of our marriage.

 

I don't know how I would deal with that, or even if I could.

[Athena]

I think you may be right, but I'm afraid. I'm afraid that telling my husband will cause all the pain that I so desperately want to avoid causing him, and that he will feel so betrayed that it might even cause the end of our marriage.

 

I don't know how I would deal with that, or even if I could.

 

I feel for you, the fear you have of your H leaving you, but you have been putting up with a sexless M for the past five years.... it is about time your H has to deal with the fact that he is not doing all he can to satisfy you. I am not saying it is right that you had an EA with OM, but it IS understandable that it happened.... and your H, if he cares at all for you, or for your M, should help put right the issues in your M.

 

Also, it is a surefire way to end the EA - by teaming up with your H, you protect your M in that way. Being truthful in your M is good for you both.

 

Of course your H is going to be angry and sad and in pain, but at least 1) YOU will have chosen to tell him, not to be 'found out' 2) H will see that you stopped your A before it got sexual 3) H will be able to see where his lack of taking care of your needs is in his hands now... 4) Go to Marriage Counseling

[whichwayisup]

You and your H need to be intimate, atleast on an emotional level. Hold hands, kiss, cuddle, make out even if he can't have sex. He can use a vibe on you..His fingers etc too..

 

You two could do marriage counselling and try to fix this. Each of you are holding back, not really communicating either.

 

All I know is, reverse the situation. If you were the one ill, wouldn't you expect that your husband be there for you, look after you, love you, care for you even if it meant not the greatest sex life? Imagine the roles reversed here. Would you be OK for him to be with one of your friends?

 

I also find it hard to believe that this guy who obvioulsy knows the pain of betrayal is doing this to one of his friends! Talk about double betrayal.

 

You and this guy need to back off and end things completely. It's just unfair and cruel to do to your husband.

[whichwayisup]

I think you may be right, but I'm afraid. I'm afraid that telling my husband will cause all the pain that I so desperately want to avoid causing him, and that he will feel so betrayed that it might even cause the end of our marriage.

 

I don't know how I would deal with that, or even if I could.

 

Well, if you're going to cheat on him, have feelings for another man and try to hide/lie to your husband, the fallout of it is just the consquence of your choices and actions.

 

If you are scared of hurting your husband, then STOP contact with the OM forever and focus on your husband and making things better between you two. Sorry to be harsh, but you're being selfish by doing what you're doing!

 

Or maybe the marriage ending IS the best thing, for both of you. He'll be able to find a woman who will love him, no matter what his health issues are and not cheat on him, and you can be with your OM, his friend, and have lots of passionate sex.

 

If you're unhappy, do something to change this, but stop the cheating and betraying.

[crookedsoul]

Well, if you're going to cheat on him, have feelings for another man and try to hide/lie to your husband, the fallout of it is just the consquence of your choices and actions.

 

If you are scared of hurting your husband, then STOP contact with the OM forever and focus on your husband and making things better between you two. Sorry to be harsh, but you're being selfish by doing what you're doing!

 

Or maybe the marriage ending IS the best thing, for both of you. He'll be able to find a woman who will love him, no matter what his health issues are and not cheat on him, and you can be with your OM, his friend, and have lots of passionate sex.

 

If you're unhappy, do something to change this, but stop the cheating and betraying.

 

I do love and care for my husband, and I meant it when I promised 'in sickness and in health'. My fear of telling him is only partly about concern for myself, I also worry that the end of our marriage (if that should be the form that any 'fallout' might take) would destroy my daughter's life, particularly if the distress causes my husband to have another heart attack. I certainly don't think the end of my marriage would be 'best' for anyone.

 

I am grateful for your responses, and I am going to talk to my husband when he wakes up in the morning, if my courage holds. Right now, I'm going to pray that telling him won't bring everything crashing down around my ears.

[Reggie]

Weird how you chose a friend of your H's. Do you think this choice may have been your way of making sure this is even more painful for him? Did you consider the effect on his health before proceeding with this? This friend thing is going to cause even more pain and humiliation. You need to really examine your motives.

[crookedsoul]

Weird how you chose a friend of your H's. Do you think this choice may have been your way of making sure this is even more painful for him? Did you consider the effect on his health before proceeding with this? This friend thing is going to cause even more pain and humiliation. You need to really examine your motives.

 

I didn't 'consider' anything. I didn't plan it. I deeply regret it and know that it must end. I'm guessing you must have been very badly hurt by someone, to assume that I might have intentionally and deliberately set out to hurt my husband as much as I possibly could. I would also have to be some kind of fool to come and post it here, if that was the case. You have my deepest sympathy, I hope you are happier now.

[whichwayisup]

I do love and care for my husband, and I meant it when I promised 'in sickness and in health'. My fear of telling him is only partly about concern for myself, I also worry that the end of our marriage (if that should be the form that any 'fallout' might take) would destroy my daughter's life, particularly if the distress causes my husband to have another heart attack. I certainly don't think the end of my marriage would be 'best' for anyone.

 

Too bad these thoughts weren't going through your head while with the OM.

 

Ofcourse you didn't set out to hurt your husband, but since you KNOW that the OM went through betrayal in his own marriage, didn't it cross your mind and his mind what you two were/are doing to your husband, his friend is double betrayal? I guess I don't understand why HE would do that to his friend seeing as he knows the pain cheating can cause.

 

Bottomline, I get that you're not happy with your sex life, but it's not like you've done anything with your husband to improve it. Did you two talk about it? Do therapy together? Communicate and just be honest? Don't try to assume what each of you are thinking etc.. Choosing to go outside of your marriage is only making it worse, as you now know.

[crookedsoul]

Too bad these thoughts weren't going through your head while with the OM.

 

Ofcourse you didn't set out to hurt your husband, but since you KNOW that the OM went through betrayal in his own marriage, didn't it cross your mind and his mind what you two were/are doing to your husband, his friend is double betrayal? I guess I don't understand why HE would do that to his friend seeing as he knows the pain cheating can cause.

 

Bottomline, I get that you're not happy with your sex life, but it's not like you've done anything with your husband to improve it. Did you two talk about it? Do therapy together? Communicate and just be honest? Don't try to assume what each of you are thinking etc.. Choosing to go outside of your marriage is only making it worse, as you now know.

 

Yes it did occur to me, about a week ago, which is when we started trying to avoid contact with each other outside of work. The whole affair has been going on for three and a half weeks. Oddly (at least, it seemed odd to me - I wasn't expecting to feel that way), agreeing a week ago that it had become something other than friendship and that it must end made it harder to avoid talking to each other online, until about two hours before I first posted on this forum tonight, which is when I admitted to myself that it had become an actual emotional affair.

 

You might not want to believe that I could have been so naive as to not realise sooner, that what I was doing constituted unfaithfulness, but I have never had an affair before, so I didn't know what one looked like until I realised I was in the middle of one. That's why I came here. I needed to hear you guys tell me all this, to strengthen my resolve to do the right thing. Thank you for that.

 

However, please don't assume that you know what lengths I have or have not gone to resolve these issues in my marriage. I have not sat idly by and watched things deteriorate for five years. Marriage counselling has not helped us over the past three years. We stopped attending about six months ago, because my husband said he found it too upsetting. His contribution to resolving the problem of our sex life has been to buy me a vibrator, but he can't bring himself to use it with me and anyway, what I crave are kisses and cuddles, not sex, and what I miss most is holding hands.

 

I know, though, that I just have to get over it and get on with making the best of my marriage, because I love my husband and daughter.

 

Thank you for your responses, everyone. I don't think there is anymore to be gained by my posting here again, since it appears to be turning into a 'bash the evil adulteress' festival, although I guess that I deserve it and I knew that might happen if I came here. I wish you all every happiness.

 

Thanks again, especially to Athena, whose words were both wise and kind.

[Athena]

CrookedSoul, please let us know how it goes with your telling your H. I think you will feel better about coming clean with him. I must say that I admire you for your strength in facing your H tomorrow, in what clearly is very difficult for you. Best of luck to you both.

[seibert253]

Hi Crooked, the person you need to tell about this, is your Husband. Once you do that, he will be able to dissuade you from continuing with this affair. Also, hopefully, the information will make him more aware of YOUR NEEDS. Since he seems to have conveniently shut out what it is you need. The mutual solution needs to come from both you and your H. Not us on these boards. Nor by 'pure strength of your new resolve' not to progress this EA into a PA -- because that is where you are headed right now.

 

Dead on. Everything else is immaterial

[Adunaphel]

I agree with the other posters that the best thing you could do is talk to your H about it. The affair is relatively recent, it has only been a few days since you realized that you are developing feelings for each other... you can still have a "your friend and I realized we were heading into a potentially dangerous situation, we put a stop to it, I am sorry about it, I am talking to you about it, I love you, I care about our marriage and I'd never betray you" honest discussion with your H.

[crookedsoul]

CrookedSoul, please let us know how it goes with your telling your H. I think you will feel better about coming clean with him. I must say that I admire you for your strength in facing your H tomorrow, in what clearly is very difficult for you. Best of luck to you both.

 

 

My husband said he doesn't belive me that I have not been physically intimate with the other man. He also said that I am stupid if I haven't. He said he has been involved with another woman for the past year and a half (we were in couples therapy for some of that time) and that it 'is about time' I found someone else and stopped 'bleating' about the lack of physical affection in our marriage.

Apparently, his health problems are not as severe as he had made out, he just found that easier than telling me he does not find me attractive anymore. He says he does not want a divorce, he is happy with things as they are.

 

I want the ground to open and swallow me up. I was prepared for him to be hurt and angry. I was prepared for being the villain of the piece. I was not perpared for this. Where do I go from here?

[crookedsoul]

My whole life has been a sham for years. I don't even know who it is I'm married to. What an idiot I am. Husband says that my working and paying all the bills, collecting his meds and generally taking care of business (he doesn't work - hasn't since his heart attack, six years ago) has emasculated him and that he can't imagine having anything to do with me physcially.

 

He says he didn't want to hurt me, at first, but he has grown resentful over the last two years, because I 'don't seem to need him'. He said that withholding physical affection was the only part of our marriage where he still had any power or control, and that his own needs forced him to look elsewhere.

 

I don't know what to think. I still haven't spoken to the other man, I am holding to my resolve, but it sure is hard, right now, and I can't help but wonder if there is any point, but then I look at my little girl and my heart breaks. What do I do?

[Adunaphel]

OMG, what a turn of the events.

I have to say I am disgusted by your H, but it sounds like the EA could be a blessing in disguise in many ways.

I hope you will make whatever decision is best for you, and I am glad that at least you'll have some emotional support (hoping that the OM is a good person).

BTW... as your coworker is a friend of your husband, you might want to find out if he knew something you didn't about your own marriage.

Try to find out what kind of person he really is, as I suspect that you are expecially vulnerable in this moment.

I truly hope that the recent events are for the best of all of you.

[Adunaphel]

My whole life has been a sham for years. I don't even know who it is I'm married to. What an idiot I am. Husband says that my working and paying all the bills, collecting his meds and generally taking care of business (he doesn't work - hasn't since his heart attack, six years ago) has emasculated him and that he can't imagine having anything to do with me physcially.

 

So... you are financially independent, and you do not *need* to stay married to him?

Not saying you should divorce him... it's up to you to decide... but the more independent you are, the more free is your choice...

 

Do you feel pressured into staying married to him because of his health condition?

[crookedsoul]

So... you are financially independent, and you do not *need* to stay married to him?

Not saying you should divorce him... it's up to you to decide... but the more independent you are, the more free is your choice...

 

Do you feel pressured into staying married to him because of his health condition?

 

I don't need to stay married for financial reasons, no, I'm the breadwinner, but I promised 'in sickness and in health' and we have a little girl who loves her Daddy.

 

I don't know what my co-worker/friend/other man/husband's friend knew about the state of my marriage. I guess he probably must have known something, unless my husband has been playing his cards really close to his chest. This man was a friend of mine from work for several years before he became friends with my husband, though, so my husband might not have told him anything.

 

In any case - I still love my husband. I can't turn my feelings on and off to suit events. I don't want to leave, I don't want another man (I came to this forum to help strengthen my resolve NOT to have an affair), I want things to be right between us. I just don't know what I can do about that, now.

[Adunaphel]

I am not implying that feelings could or should be turned on and off... just take your time...all the time you need... and talk all you need with your H (and with your friend if he can be of some support, and with anyone else who is close to you and could be of help).

I admire you for sticking to your vows... just do not put your well being and your happiness at the bottom of the list.

If you *want* to saty married to your H, is one thing... if you feel you *have to* is another.

[crookedsoul]

I am not implying that feelings could or should be turned on and off... just take your time...all the time you need... and talk all you need with your H (and with your friend if he can be of some support, and with anyone else who is close to you and could be of help).

I admire you for sticking to your vows... just do not put your well being and your happiness at the bottom of the list.

If you *want* to saty married to your H, is one thing... if you feel you *have to* is another.

 

I'm sorry, Adunaphel, that sounded as if I were attacking you, please forgive me. Thank you for your support. I do indeed need to take some time and work out how I ought to feel about al of this. I am going to email the other man and ask him about it. I have to know. I will not sneak around about it though, I will let my husband see what I have written, and any response that folows, if he cares enough to want to read them. There has been far too much dishonesty on both sides here, already.

 

Thanks again.

[Athena]

CrookedSoul -- your husband sounds like a classic Narcissist (look up narcissism and Narcissistic Personality Disorder). What a piece of work he is -- sabotaging your marriage and you as a woman and a wife! Feeling satisfied with his underhandedness as being a Taker and giving you Nothing! And then -- to top it all -- to BLAME YOU for helping him, and being there for him! Ugh

 

You have a conscience and you have morals. You have stood by your man in sickness and in health. Despite him having driven you to almost have an affair by his total neglect of your emotional and physical needs, and having lied to you about all of it, you have been conscientious enough to firstly, put up with this total abandonment for five years, and then to immediately tell him about where you were headed these last couple of weeks.

 

What a shock to see that your husband not only didn't feel pained by your 'revelation' but assumes you have been doing worse and sleeping around! It's almost like he doesn't care for you AT ALL! Why would you want to stay with a man like this?

 

Now you know that your H has been disrespecting you and has done something to deserve betrayal (in your original post you assumed he hadn't). He practically forced you to. And you had no idea! What deception he is capable of!

It's an eye-opener to have him tell you he assumed you'd be sleeping with a man!... anyway, now it makes sense, in retrospect, doesn't it, why he refused to show you any physical affection at all. Your loneliness, forced by him, has driven you to seek companionship elsewhere. He is despicable and full of deception. He simply never gave you a chance! I recently read on these boards, "Gratitude breeds Resentment" and this is clear what your H has adopted.

 

End your marriage as soon as possible and don't look back. Do not wallow in self-pity. Do not allow him to mentally and emotionally abuse you any longer. There is NO way you can ever 'change' him -- walk away from him now with some of your pride intact. He is flawed. His character is not healthy and never will be. He doesn't even show any remorse. He doesn't express regret, and is quick to blame you for, what? -- for being the best wife you could be?!

 

Your H is too much of a coward to end this M. Do so yourself. One good thing is that it is unlikely that your H will fight/contest a divorce, since he obviously doesn't want you.

 

Wow, just wow. Your H felt no pain at your 'news' and you had been so concerned and worried about him! His showing you zero pain must make you realize how little he values you, how he doesn't want you, and this new information has got to be hurting YOU. Sorry that your H does not care for you. But that does not mean you are not valuable or lovable! Please do not stay with him for one minute longer -- he will WEAKEN you. He will break you... do yourself a favor and look up NPD (narcissistic personality disorder).

 

This shocking news has got to have knocked you! How very traumatic to find out about your H's lies, deception, and apparent lack of care for you! Go back to your original counselor! Let the counselor know why the counseling failed! You need to make an appointment asap, to get the help and support you need.

Your instinct might well be to cower away and hide in shame, but do not do this! You will be driven into depression and negativity, and it will become very difficult to recover from this trauma for a long, long time. You need to seek out support of loving family and friends. Take charge and feel powerful. Your H does not deserve a second chance. He is a Con Man.

 

Your daughter will have to adjust. Actually it will be better and healthier for her in the long run to have a strong mother for a role model and for taking care of her needs. If you stay with your H you will become so weakened, you will not be able to take proper care of your daughter's emotional needs. Please put yourself first, cut that man out of your life right away. No second-guessing yourself. Do it. Get rid of this deadbeat man.

[Adunaphel]

I'm sorry, Adunaphel, that sounded as if I were attacking you, please forgive me. Thank you for your support. I do indeed need to take some time and work out how I ought to feel about al of this. I am going to email the other man and ask him about it. I have to know. I will not sneak around about it though, I will let my husband see what I have written, and any response that folows, if he cares enough to want to read them. There has been far too much dishonesty on both sides here, already.

 

Thanks again.

 

It actually did not sound at all like an attack! I am sorry if the way I phrased my post sounded a bit insensitive... I am just worried that your H might take advantage of you using his health condition to get psychological leverage, or that you migth feel compelled to stay married to him, or even accept a situation that is hurtful to you, just because you feel responsible towards him.

[whichwayisup]

Wow, what a turn of events!

 

Seems each of you have your secrets and now it's time to decide what to do. Either fix the marriage or end it. OR, stay together and have an open marriage. Either way, atleast now you both know where you stand in some sense.

[Athena]

 

In any case - I still love my husband. I can't turn my feelings on and off to suit events. I don't want to leave, I don't want another man (I came to this forum to help strengthen my resolve NOT to have an affair), I want things to be right between us. I just don't know what I can do about that, now.

 

You poor loving woman -- your H is taking advantage of your goodness and your sticking to your Vows... he is going to Destroy you!