He says he doesn't know if he loves me anymore

[kittyfluff]

I have been dating a guy for the past 11 months. It has been long distance, but we meet regularly, every week or every two weeks minimum. Things were going good although we did have a rocky patch a few months back where I found out he has long standing commitment issues. Following this we agreed to still try to work things out together, as he is aware that is commitment issues are detrimental to his life and happiness and he felt he wanted to stay with me long term despite is commitment related panic.

 

Things have been going great the past few weeks. We even decided together that as I will shortly be moving back to his city to study it would be good for us to move in together. Not in our own place, but separate rooms in a house share. I felt all was going good and then a few days ago he dropped a bombshell

 

He finally said he had been doing a lot of thinking and he had decided he doesn't feel ready to move in. But what was worse, he wasn't sure if he loves me anymore.

 

We had a long talk, and communication does seem to be quite a problem between us at the moment (we both tend to avoid these subjects until they are causing us serious stress and worry), and finally agreed to stay together. I let him know that we don't *have to* move in. He said he just doesn't feel ready and he has been working hard to adjust to just being in a relationship and this step was too much for him. I understand him. I also had reservations about moving in; it was more the circumstances pushing me towards it. However, the thing that hurts the most is that he said he doesn't know if he loves me anymore. I asked him if it was the panic about moving in that has confused his feelings and he feels it may be so. So, we agreed to stay together and see what happens while the pressure is off.

 

I really love this guy. We get on very well. He is my rock. I can depend on him. So, I am willing to give him the benefit of the doubt for a while longer (but not too long.) But it really pains me when I hold him and tell him I love him and hear nothing back from him now.

 

At the moment I am trying to keep contact to a minimum. Just a text a day or a short call. To give him space to think. And as I usually show the one I love a lot of attention (which he is now used to), I want to see if my absence makes him miss me.

 

I was just wondering if anyone could offer any further advice? Am I doing the right thing at the moment? Or is this hopeless: can love never return once it is lost?

 

He really isn't showing me in any way that he doesn't love me...I am still showered with kisses and hugs and he still make those little gestures as before. So, is he just confused because of his panic?

 

Any advice would be greatly appreciated as I am finding things so hard and sad for me at the moment

 

Thanks

[TaraMaiden]

Excuse me if I sound harsh, but I think you need to back off a bit.

All this kissing cuddling and sweet nothings can only serve to make him feel stifled, pressured and actually cause him to withdraw even more.

 

Also, the one person who seems to be making all the allowances, and trying to make this work, is you.

You're trying to put your side in, and compensate for the lack of his, too.

You can love him, but you can't love FOR him, or make him love you more.

And that's what you're trying to do.

 

you are desperate for some kind of emotional input, but his non-commitment issues are still very much to the fore, still loud and clear and - still HIS issue.

 

I think you need to haul the brake on your plans about moving in and sharing, and find your own place instead.

 

Take this pressure off, and give yourself an escape route, because there is no way this guy will change - not for you, not for anyone - until he realises flat, up-front, face-against-a-brick-wall - that he has to change, for his own good and sanity.

 

You can't fix him.

And right now, you're flogging yourself trying.

[gd26]

I agree with TaraMaiden a million percent.... because I have been in a similar situation to you, and I behaved very much like you. You think you are holding the person closer by clinging, but the reality is that the more you cling, the faster you push your partner away. You can't make someone else stay. You just have to let go (as much as it hurts), and let that person walk away if he needs to.

 

I understand it is confusing as sometimes the other person seems friendly and you think things are back to normal again... which is what you experienced those few weeks when everything seemed good. Although he might be enjoying your company and enjoying the affection you shower on him, that doesn't mean he is doing anything to keep up his side of the relationship... leaving all the work on you. But you can never compensate for his lack of involvement.

 

What has happened is that the power dynamic in the relationship has shifted. Things are now on his terms, as you are desperately trying to hold things together that have already fallen apart. You are now the one walking on eggshells while he doesn't even have to try.

 

No matter how hard you cling to him, he has clearly made up his mind. There's no ambivalence really. He knows what he wants... his space and freedom. But he appears ambivalent because he's not ready to fully leave behind the comfort and convenience he gets from you. So he strings you along.

 

Most of us have all been in this situation. At least I have. Remember that each of us deserves to be in a relationship where we are loved and wanted and respected. You are worth someone loving you deeply and thinking you are the most divine creature on this planet.

 

You say that you can depend on your boyfriend, but obviously you can't. Someone who has a change of heart on you like that isn't dependable.

 

Since he is rejecting you, he should not receive the benefit of your time or affection.

[LucreziaBorgia]

he said he doesn't know if he loves me anymore

 

He knows, he just doesn't have the heart to tell you and is trying to coast into a breakup instead of making it an abrupt one.

 

The whole 'confused', 'need time to think', 'don't know', etc is BS. When you hear that, and they say they need 'time' they don't need it to figure out if they love you. They need it to figure out why they don't and how to deal with it.

 

And I can tell you this - reading between the lines, he is more than likely seeing other people too, or planning on it. The whole waffling thing is something that people tend to do when they want to keep their options open and avoid commitment.

 

He really isn't showing me in any way that he doesn't love me...I am still showered with kisses and hugs and he still make those little gestures as before. So, is he just confused because of his panic?

 

He is showing you that there are still parts of being with you that he likes. That does not change the parts of him that don't and want to be free. That can be powered by guilt, nostalgia, loneliness, etc.

 

Don't mistake this for a 'chance'.