Utterly Confused & Hurt

[vangel2]

I've been telling my situation to a lot of close friends and family of mines, but I feel that I need a different perspective from others that don't know me. So if you have the time, I would appreciate any feedback you may have for me because I am so confused.

 

I have been married to "Bruce" (not real name) for 5 years; been together for 7 years, plus we have a 5 year old daughter. For the past few years, my husband and I haven't really been on good terms. We don't connect emotionally and communication is terrible. Plus, he's been very abusive both physically & verbally. The biggest issue I have with him is intimacy, which he doesn't make me feel loved or appreciated. I have told him many times that I wasn't happy but he never really tried to make an effort to work out our intimacy problems.

 

Then, my ex comes back into the picture (on the phone) a few months ago and we started talking. The next thing I know, my feelings for him comes back. The story behind that is, I was young when I decided to break up with him. We were living in two different states, so I didn't want to get tied down. So with that being said, we never stopped loving each other. The more we talked, the more I realized that he is everything I want in a man. He already knew about me and bruce, but he never said anything, bc he thought I was happy.

 

I am the type of woman who honors and respects her marriage, so I decided to let my husband know that I was starting to develop feelings for this other guy. The reason I told him was bc I was hoping there be a chance that we could really try to work out our marriage. Needless to say, he was upset and he kept telling me that I cheated on him, bc he read an email that I wrote to this other guy telling him I loved him. Then he moved out and since then we have not lived together. He has, however, would meet with me every night but I can tell that this is bothering him. But, it still feels the same. It feels like nothing has changed, he still doesn't know how to make me feel the way this other guy did. I tried not talking to this other guy for awhile...but I always think about him. I feel different when I'm around Bruce bc I can't deny the feelings I have for this other guy. But I made vows w/ Bruce, so I feel like I should give him a second chance. I don't know what to do. I feel so trapped, yet, I still want to work it out...but then I want to be with this other guy, too. What should I DO?

 

I need to also mention that Bruce can be loving at times, plus he works hard for me & my daughter. He knows how to say the right things, but action speaks so much louder than words. I just think he's not mature enough yet and he never really had the time to grow (maybe I haven't either). He also have parents who was involved in an abusive relationship so this can explain a little of his background. I just didn't want to make him sound like such a bad guy.

[TaraMaiden]

I have been married to "Bruce" (not real name) for 5 years; been together for 7 years, plus we have a 5 year old daughter. For the past few years, my husband and I haven't really been on good terms. We don't connect emotionally and communication is terrible. Plus, he's been very abusive both physically & verbally. The biggest issue I have with him is intimacy, which he doesn't make me feel loved or appreciated. I have told him many times that I wasn't happy but he never really tried to make an effort to work out our intimacy problems.

 

Ok, well, the part in bold would already have me throwing all his stuff out the house and filing for divorce. Everything additional about him you say below is just blah-blah.

Laying a single finger on another person is completely, totally, entirely, thoroughly unacceptable. Full stop. End of story.

It ends here.

 

Anyway, please, go on.....

 

Then, my ex comes back into the picture (on the phone) a few months ago and we started talking. ...

.

keep talking....

 

I am the type of woman who honors and respects her marriage,

Unlike scumbag there, who seems to think it's ok to slap his wife around and beat her round the head verbally... so that's pretty decent of you...

 

so I decided to let my husband know that I was starting to develop feelings for this other guy. The reason I told him was bc I was hoping there be a chance that we could really try to work out our marriage.

Big mistake. Huge. You're not the one who should be 'saving the marriage'. He is.

 

Needless to say, he was upset and he kept telling me that I cheated on him, bc he read an email that I wrote to this other guy telling him I loved him. Then he moved out and since then we have not lived together.

 

Hooorah!! yay you!! way to go!!

 

He has, however, would meet with me every night but I can tell that this is bothering him. But, it still feels the same. It feels like nothing has changed, he still doesn't know how to make me feel the way this other guy did.

That's because he's not 'the other guy'. It's because he is loudmouthed, disrespectful, emotionally-retentive, abusive and bullying.

 

I tried not talking to this other guy for awhile...but I always think about him. I feel different when I'm around Bruce bc I can't deny the feelings I have for this other guy. But I made vows w/ Bruce, so I feel like I should give him a second chance.

You gave him a second chance when he hit you, and you let him stay.

if he hasn't changed his ways to an acceptable degree - you really need to give up.

Your daughter is witnessing all this (oh yes, believe me, trust me, she is!) and you are quietly, slowly, insidiously teaching her - that this is how men treat women. And it's ok.

 

I don't know what to do. I feel so trapped, yet, I still want to work it out...but then I want to be with this other guy, too. What should I DO?

you file for divorce immediately on the grounds of intolerable behaviour and abuse.

 

I need to also mention that Bruce can be loving at times, plus he works hard for me & my daughter. He knows how to say the right things, but action speaks so much louder than words.

Quite.

We can all say the right words at the right time. In his case, it's called 'being manipulative'. Throwing you just enough to keep you dangling, but not quite enough to keep you happy. Oh, he has it off to a fine art.

 

I just think he's not mature enough yet and he never really had the time to grow (maybe I haven't either).

Stop pulling yourself down to his level. It's too low anyway, so you have a long way to drop. he's had plenty of time to 'grow'. He's just chosen not to.

 

He also have parents who was involved in an abusive relationship so this can explain a little of his background.

 

It might explain it. It doesn't excuse it.

behaviour is a choice.

I go back to what you're teaching your daughter, though.... that it's ok to stay where dad is abusive....?

 

I just didn't want to make him sound like such a bad guy.

Oh, no. You've done your best to try to put him in a good light.

Unfortunaltely, your efforts flew out the window at this point:

 

he's been very abusive both physically & verbally.

 

There isn't anything you could possibly say that would make me think he's 'not such a bad guy'.

 

File for divorce.

Right now.

[Gunny376]

Your choice?

 

The OM or the DH!

 

Neither!

 

You've got to get yourself to the point in life where your not dependent on any other person!

 

Period!

 

End of conversation!

 

You need to get yourself in Life to where you can support yourself, your children, without the aid of anyone. Not your family, your parents, your friends.

 

You need to get yourself in Life where you can walk at anytime, any place!

 

You need to get yourself in Life to where you've not got to take any crap off anyone ~ let alone a man!

 

You need to get your to a point in Life where you've achieved "self autonomy"

 

You don't need someone to validate you, your life, your existence, your place in Life!

 

You need to work on you!

 

You need to work toward the goal of being able to tell anyone ~ anywhere ~ "You know what? Forget you! You can just kiss my @zz! I don't need you! I don't want you in my life!"

 

The DH (Dear Husband ) has a Hell of a lot of learning to do about what being a man, a husband is all about ~ I'm here to stand up and testify to!

 

He's got a lot of 'learning' to do and growing up to do!

 

He doesn't have a clue ~ but more than likely? The 'old flame' doesn't have a clue either!

 

Your not going to find in the OM what your looking for as a woman! What your looking for is few and far between, and hard to come by.

 

For the most part?

 

You need to find some guy, (once you've got your brain housing group cleared and freed) that you can teach and train to be the 'perfect man" that is right for you.

 

Men are like the Pillsbury's Dough Boy?

 

You've got fold and mold them in the right shape, then you've got to pick at them, and get rid of all the crap that the Mother's, society, culture, taught them. You've got to teach them to fold clothes the way you want them folded, do laundry, wash dished, scrub a toilet, etc.................

 

We teach people how to treat us! And then are disappointed when they don't treat us the way we want to?

 

Who failed who?

 

Men aren't women and women aren't men!

 

Men don't think like women, and women don't think like men ~ yet women don't understand why men don't get and understand the obvious messages they've been sending for years that any woman would instantly pick up on?

[LisaUk]

"He's been abusive both PHYSICALLY and emotionally", there's your answer right there. As for the OM, you don't want or need him either, he may seem great to you now because your relationship with your husband is so terrible. Anyone would look good right now, it's like rebound but before the end. You need to get yourself into a place where you are happy with you and don't need anyone else, then and only then can you CHOOSE someone who is right for you, who makes you happy and who deserves you.

[TroyNJ]

I want to be clear here, you are wrong for "developing" feelings for your ex

while still being married, I highly doubt your ex is what you want, the grass looks greener at this time but in reality it probably isn't.

 

I'm sorry for the way your Husband has treated you, this is unacceptable but you still should not have went outside the marriage until it was over, this is likely a deal breaker for your husband, I mean in a sence that I doubt he will ever change by the way you describe him.

 

I think Gunny's advice is the best way to go.

[vangel2]

Your choice?

 

The OM or the DH!

 

Neither!

 

You've got to get yourself to the point in life where your not dependent on any other person!

 

Period!

 

End of conversation!

 

You need to get yourself in Life to where you can support yourself, your children, without the aid of anyone. Not your family, your parents, your friends.

 

You need to get yourself in Life where you can walk at anytime, any place!

 

You need to get yourself in Life to where you've not got to take any crap off anyone ~ let alone a man!

 

You need to get your to a point in Life where you've achieved "self autonomy"

 

You don't need someone to validate you, your life, your existence, your place in Life!

 

You need to work on you!

 

You need to work toward the goal of being able to tell anyone ~ anywhere ~ "You know what? Forget you! You can just kiss my @zz! I don't need you! I don't want you in my life!"

 

The DH (Dear Husband ) has a Hell of a lot of learning to do about what being a man, a husband is all about ~ I'm here to stand up and testify to!

 

He's got a lot of 'learning' to do and growing up to do!

 

He doesn't have a clue ~ but more than likely? The 'old flame' doesn't have a clue either!

 

Your not going to find in the OM what your looking for as a woman! What your looking for is few and far between, and hard to come by.

 

For the most part?

 

You need to find some guy, (once you've got your brain housing group cleared and freed) that you can teach and train to be the 'perfect man" that is right for you.

 

Men are like the Pillsbury's Dough Boy?

 

You've got fold and mold them in the right shape, then you've got to pick at them, and get rid of all the crap that the Mother's, society, culture, taught them. You've got to teach them to fold clothes the way you want them folded, do laundry, wash dished, scrub a toilet, etc.................

 

We teach people how to treat us! And then are disappointed when they don't treat us the way we want to?

 

Who failed who?

 

Men aren't women and women aren't men!

 

Men don't think like women, and women don't think like men ~ yet women don't understand why men don't get and understand the obvious messages they've been sending for years that any woman would instantly pick up on?

 

Thanks for the encouraging words. I think that's what I meant when I said that I might need to grow as well. I think that I never got to experience the self-discover part of life since I got married at the age of 20. It's just harder said than done. I don't have the courage to just up and leave. I have this hope that maybe we can get through this, but a girl can only hope? The idea of "divorce" is very serious and needs a lot of thought put into it. I do know that all things happen for a reason. I will definitely keep anyone who's interested posted. =)

[vangel2]

I want to be clear here, you are wrong for "developing" feelings for your ex

while still being married, I highly doubt your ex is what you want, the grass looks greener at this time but in reality it probably isn't.

 

I'm sorry for the way your Husband has treated you, this is unacceptable but you still should not have went outside the marriage until it was over, this is likely a deal breaker for your husband, I mean in a sence that I doubt he will ever change by the way you describe him.

 

I think Gunny's advice is the best way to go.

 

I DEFINITELY agree that I was in the wrong for developing feelings for this other guy. I told my husband that there's no excuse for what I did and I swore to myself that I would end my relationship with my husband before I started something with some other guy. I guess in a way, I was being stubborn. I didn't care at the time what it would do to him but God knows that I would hate it if this situation was put on me. That's why I confessed it to him because I really do believe in honesty in the marriage and I didn't want to live in a lie. I am dealing with the consequences but at the same time, this may be the best time to do what Gunny said. Thanks for the advice.

[vangel2]

Thank you for the advice. I apppreciate the feedback and I really am considering being separated from him, perhaps maybe for good. But one thing for sure, I want to be able to do this for myself and not for this other guy at all. I don't know what's keeping me here still with him. You're right, sometimes I do think what he does manipulate me to keep me with him or maybe I do it to myself to believe he actually care about me. I just pray that one day I would actually have the courage to leave this marriage for the sake of me and my daughter.

[vangel2]

"He's been abusive both PHYSICALLY and emotionally", there's your answer right there. As for the OM, you don't want or need him either, he may seem great to you now because your relationship with your husband is so terrible. Anyone would look good right now, it's like rebound but before the end. You need to get yourself into a place where you are happy with you and don't need anyone else, then and only then can you CHOOSE someone who is right for you, who makes you happy and who deserves you.

 

Now that I'm reading all of the replies, I realize that what I'm looking for is far beyond than what I can get out of a relationship. Thank you for taking the time to offer feedback. You're right, I probably don't need to worry about the OM... I will definitely set this time to focus on myself.

[LisaUk]

Thank you for the advice. I apppreciate the feedback and I really am considering being separated from him, perhaps maybe for good. But one thing for sure, I want to be able to do this for myself and not for this other guy at all. I don't know what's keeping me here still with him. You're right, sometimes I do think what he does manipulate me to keep me with him or maybe I do it to myself to believe he actually care about me. I just pray that one day I would actually have the courage to leave this marriage for the sake of me and my daughter.

 

Are there womens refuge places in the US like here in the UK? There may be a charity that can provide the support you need for someone in your situation. Physical violence is NEVER acceptable.

[vangel2]

Are there womens refuge places in the US like here in the UK? There may be a charity that can provide the support you need for someone in your situation. Physical violence is NEVER acceptable.

 

I don't know, but I never thought to look into it. Sounds like something I need. Lots of my friends tells me that my husband and I might need marriage counseling... and a little counseling for me for all the pain he has put me through.

[LisaUk]

I don't know, but I never thought to look into it. Sounds like something I need. Lots of my friends tells me that my husband and I might need marriage counseling... and a little counseling for me for all the pain he has put me through.

 

Try the abuse board. I think I saw a post there about help earlier, if not ask on there, hopefully someone from the US will be able to point you in the right direction.

 

Keep posting if you need to, we are all here if you need to talk.

[asuman]

I'm a volunteer at a local domestic violence shelter. I don't know what city you're in, but most have such shelters for women in your situation.

 

The purpose of such shelters is to protect you when you believe your safety may be in danger from your abuser. If you think you might be equally safe somewhere else, like staying with parents or family, then that may be a better alternative for you and your daughter.

 

You should start researching and educating yourself on divorce and child custody issues.

[lkjh]

How did he abuse you? When you say physical abuse what has he done? You don't have to be to graphic.

 

As for the rest of your post, well Im gonna get bashed for this but you did cheat on him. You had a emotional affair and admitted love for another man.

[vangel2]

How did he abuse you? When you say physical abuse what has he done? You don't have to be to graphic.

 

As for the rest of your post, well Im gonna get bashed for this but you did cheat on him. You had a emotional affair and admitted love for another man.

 

He has an anger problem so he can be very aggressive. The most scariest moment I had with him was when he was literally choking me to death. I got plenty of bruises and black eye, and a little bit of hearing loss from my eardrums being busted.

 

Lately, for the past year, he really tried not to hurt me physically, but the verbal & emotional abusiveness became worse.

 

Yes. I know I was wrong for having an emotional affair with this other guy. It was my fault... I should've ended it or I should've ended with my husband before I started this thing w/ this other guy. There is no excuse for it. Like I mentioned to one of the replies, I was being stubborn. But I can tell you why I kept it going with this other guy.

 

When I say that my husband was verbally and emotionally abusive, I never had a day go by where he wouldn't say something negative about me. I had came to a point in my life where I hated myself sometimes. He always made me feel like I was worthless. I'm not gonna lie, he does compliment me every now and then...but to this point, it's hard to accept those compliments. Remember, at this point, I had felt so low and unaccepted; almost suicidal. Then my first love, who is my ex, came back and brought me back up. He helped me to love myself again and he helped me to realize that I don't deserve this kind of crap. I have a full time job as a manager, I go to college, and I take care of our daughter most of the time; especially now that the husband moved out. That's why I say that I love him, because he helped me find me again. The only part I have left is leaving this relationship but like I said earlier, I don't have that courage yet. I've been with this guy for 7 years and he was never like this.

[WARREN86]

how did he abuse you? When you say physical abuse what has he done? You don't have to be to graphic.

 

As for the rest of your post, well im gonna get bashed for this but you did cheat on him. You had a emotional affair and admitted love for another man.

 

he deserves it!

[WARREN86]

He has an anger problem so he can be very aggressive. The most scariest moment I had with him was when he was literally choking me to death. I got plenty of bruises and black eye, and a little bit of hearing loss from my eardrums being busted.

 

Lately, for the past year, he really tried not to hurt me physically, but the verbal & emotional abusiveness became worse.

 

Yes. I know I was wrong for having an emotional affair with this other guy. It was my fault... I should've ended it or I should've ended with my husband before I started this thing w/ this other guy. There is no excuse for it. Like I mentioned to one of the replies, I was being stubborn. But I can tell you why I kept it going with this other guy.

 

When I say that my husband was verbally and emotionally abusive, I never had a day go by where he wouldn't say something negative about me. I had came to a point in my life where I hated myself sometimes. He always made me feel like I was worthless. I'm not gonna lie, he does compliment me every now and then...but to this point, it's hard to accept those compliments. Remember, at this point, I had felt so low and unaccepted; almost suicidal. Then my first love, who is my ex, came back and brought me back up. He helped me to love myself again and he helped me to realize that I don't deserve this kind of crap. I have a full time job as a manager, I go to college, and I take care of our daughter most of the time; especially now that the husband moved out. That's why I say that I love him, because he helped me find me again. The only part I have left is leaving this relationship but like I said earlier, I don't have that courage yet. I've been with this guy for 7 years and he was never like this.

 

My mom's been in the same situation and she still with him hoping, too, that he would change. Let me tell something...he never did. I'm not saying your husband won't change, but it's something he's going to want to do. And by the sound of it, he sounds like he doesn't even acknowledge that HE is the problem. Nevermind the fact you had this emotional affair. You would never had this affair if he would've treated you right, or better yet, get some counseling for his anger problem. NO MEN should hit women! I hate this with a passion, because it just shows just how low guys can be when they hit another woman. DON'T let all these ppl who are telling you that you were in the wrong for having this affair bc what he's done is nothing compare to what u did. In fact, you'd probably be dead by now if you didn't confide in this guy. And I applaud you for standing up and telling your husband. Not many women would do that..they'd just hide it.

 

Want some advice, please just leave him! It's not good for you emotionally, mentally, and physically. He's no good for your daughter either. If he can hit you, there's no telling what he can do towards your daughter... and you wouldn't want her to go through what you're going through. It's not fair for her and her future. I say this because your husband can have an impact on her future relationship with guys.

 

Furthermore, you sound like a wonderful woman. You're independent and you obviously value your vows with this awful man. You deserve better and deserve to be happy. I think everyone with a good heart like yours deserve to be happy. And stop trying to make excuses for your husband. he is responsible for his own action. Please keep us posted. God bless.

[vangel2]

My mom's been in the same situation and she still with him hoping, too, that he would change. Let me tell something...he never did. I'm not saying your husband won't change, but it's something he's going to want to do. And by the sound of it, he sounds like he doesn't even acknowledge that HE is the problem. Nevermind the fact you had this emotional affair. You would never had this affair if he would've treated you right, or better yet, get some counseling for his anger problem. NO MEN should hit women! I hate this with a passion, because it just shows just how low guys can be when they hit another woman. DON'T let all these ppl who are telling you that you were in the wrong for having this affair bc what he's done is nothing compare to what u did. In fact, you'd probably be dead by now if you didn't confide in this guy. And I applaud you for standing up and telling your husband. Not many women would do that..they'd just hide it.

 

Want some advice, please just leave him! It's not good for you emotionally, mentally, and physically. He's no good for your daughter either. If he can hit you, there's no telling what he can do towards your daughter... and you wouldn't want her to go through what you're going through. It's not fair for her and her future. I say this because your husband can have an impact on her future relationship with guys.

 

Furthermore, you sound like a wonderful woman. You're independent and you obviously value your vows with this awful man. You deserve better and deserve to be happy. I think everyone with a good heart like yours deserve to be happy. And stop trying to make excuses for your husband. he is responsible for his own action. Please keep us posted. God bless.

 

Thank you for that. I would definitely keep u posted. I can tell that you ur very passionate about this because of your mom. Thanks for sharing that bc I would hate to still be in the same situation 20 years from now and my daughter to witness all this.

[Left in a Lurch]

So you describe your relationship , "He has an anger problem so he can be very aggressive. The most scariest moment I had with him was when he was literally choking me to death. I got plenty of bruises and black eye, and a little bit of hearing loss from my eardrums being busted. "

 

And you want to honor your vows? Was this part of the vows he said to you, "Until death do us part, at my hands, choking you until you are dead"?

 

He should be in jail for 5-10 years if this is true. From what you say he tried to kill you out of anger, but you feel you need to honor something to him? I hate to tell you, your vows mean nothing now or ever in the fututre. You owe him nothing except maybe a date with a prosecutor.

 

If he can't control himself with you he will someday lose his temper with your kids, don't try to fool yourself that he is not like that with your kids.

[WARREN86]

And you want to honor your vows? Was this part of the vows he said to you, "Until death do us part, at my hands, choking you until you are dead"?

 

He should be in jail for 5-10 years if this is true. From what you say he tried to kill you out of anger, but you feel you need to honor something to him? I hate to tell you, your vows mean nothing now or ever in the fututre. You owe him nothing except maybe a date with a prosecutor.

 

DAMN, that's true. He's so lucky because most would call the cops on his sorry @$$. Sorry, but it's true.

[LisaUk]

Warren and Chat room hero are right, the EA was a way of coping with extremely abusive behaviour, don't berate yourself for it. Your vows, well he made vows too, he promised to love, honour and cherish, has he done that? Abuse is abuse, it's not something YOU can fix, it has to come from within him. It is not something that you should put up with from anyone, whether you made vows or not. Traditionally the wedding vow for a women was to obey, BUT, in the Bible it clearly states that a women should obey her husband but her husband should honour and treat his wife with respect. Your husband is not respecting you. If it is your vows that are preventing you from leaving this abusive relationship, because you are religious, then go see your minister/preist/pastor for advice. Hunny, no one should have to live like this.

[asuman]

He put his hands around your neck and prevented you from breathing for such a prolonged time that your eardrums were damaged.

 

There's a decent case to be made out for this to be Attempted Murder, under the law of most states. It is clearly Assault, in any event.

 

This is a dangerous man. You owe it to your DAUGHTER, if not to yourself, to remove yourselves from his control immediately.

[vangel2]

He put his hands around your neck and prevented you from breathing for such a prolonged time that your eardrums were damaged.

 

There's a decent case to be made out for this to be Attempted Murder, under the law of most states. It is clearly Assault, in any event.

 

This is a dangerous man. You owe it to your DAUGHTER, if not to yourself, to remove yourselves from his control immediately.

 

Those were two different situations. My eardrums were ruptured bc he hit me one time so hard across the head that even the ringing wouldn't go away for like a day. I went to the hospital and told the doctors that I got hit by accident.

 

He is dangerous when he gets really angry so I tried not to get him angry by not saying anything I know would upset him. He hasn't laid his hands on me for a year now.

 

I didn't mean to make him out to be such a horrible guy. he can be decent guy where he'll tell me he loves me, that he cares for me, and that he wouldn't know what he'd do without me. at the time when he did hit me, it wouldn't be frequently... it would be every now and then when he gets really upset. he works hard for us and he doesn't mind getting us things we want. this is also another part of the reason i'm staying.. maybe i'm being weak-minded. Another part of me is telling me to let go bc even my daughter is not really connected with her father as well. she's only 4 but she would tell me that she doesn't like daddy and that he's mean. she said that she doesn't miss him and doesn't love him.

[LisaUk]

Those were two different situations. My eardrums were ruptured bc he hit me one time so hard across the head that even the ringing wouldn't go away for like a day. I went to the hospital and told the doctors that I got hit by accident.

 

He is dangerous when he gets really angry so I tried not to get him angry by not saying anything I know would upset him. He hasn't laid his hands on me for a year now.

 

I didn't mean to make him out to be such a horrible guy. he can be decent guy where he'll tell me he loves me, that he cares for me, and that he wouldn't know what he'd do without me. at the time when he did hit me, it wouldn't be frequently... it would be every now and then when he gets really upset. he works hard for us and he doesn't mind getting us things we want. this is also another part of the reason i'm staying.. maybe i'm being weak-minded. Another part of me is telling me to let go bc even my daughter is not really connected with her father as well. she's only 4 but she would tell me that she doesn't like daddy and that he's mean. she said that she doesn't miss him and doesn't love him.

 

Sweetie, it's still abuse. Most absuers are nice, charming, generous, can't live without you, then every once in a while bang, he hits you. It's a pattern, there is lots of information about abuse on the web, google abuse, read some articles and you will see what has been happening to you. They hit, then they are really sorry, then they buy you stuff to apologize, then they care for you and make you feel loved, then the next time they hit you, they make you feel like it's your fault because you made them angry, it's about controlling you. IT'S NOT YOUR FAULT, we all get angry, but we don't all hit. He is abusing you. Read some articles, you will get a better understanding, he is controlling you and you are blaming yourself, THIS IS NOT YOUR FAULT, him getting angry and hitting you is not your fault. It is unacceptable for him to hit you.

[WARREN86]

Those were two different situations. My eardrums were ruptured bc he hit me one time so hard across the head that even the ringing wouldn't go away for like a day. I went to the hospital and told the doctors that I got hit by accident.

 

He is dangerous when he gets really angry so I tried not to get him angry by not saying anything I know would upset him. He hasn't laid his hands on me for a year now.

 

I didn't mean to make him out to be such a horrible guy. he can be decent guy where he'll tell me he loves me, that he cares for me, and that he wouldn't know what he'd do without me. at the time when he did hit me, it wouldn't be frequently... it would be every now and then when he gets really upset. he works hard for us and he doesn't mind getting us things we want. this is also another part of the reason i'm staying.. maybe i'm being weak-minded. Another part of me is telling me to let go bc even my daughter is not really connected with her father as well. she's only 4 but she would tell me that she doesn't like daddy and that he's mean. she said that she doesn't miss him and doesn't love him.

 

First of all, I don't care if he hit you once... he should NEVER laid his hand on you. period.

 

Second of all, it sounds like he knows himself that he can never find a great girl like you which is probably why he tries to sweet talk you and tell you everything you want to hear. It's called being manipulative. But it sounds to me, 95% of the time he verbally and emotionally abuses you which explains why you confided in this other guy.

 

Lastly, your daughter is only 4 and she's already saying those things! that's crazy and mind-blowing. a father is suppose to be a positive role-model in his child's life. He can't be a great husband and a father? you told me in the other post, you were staying bc it had to do with your daughter... well, your daughter sounds lke she's not going to miss her father at this point and she is witnessing you be unhappy. I wouldn't necessarily call you weak minded, but I think you really need to reach out for support from your friends, family, and maybe some christian counseling (since you're religious). you need to be encouraged and you need to find yourself again.