WARREN86 Posted July 5, 2009 Share Posted July 5, 2009 Sweetie, it's still abuse. Most absuers are nice, charming, generous, can't live without you, then every once in a while bang, he hits you. It's a pattern, there is lots of information about abuse on the web, google abuse, read some articles and you will see what has been happening to you. They hit, then they are really sorry, then they buy you stuff to apologize, then they care for you and make you feel loved, then the next time they hit you, they make you feel like it's your fault because you made them angry, it's about controlling you. IT'S NOT YOUR FAULT, we all get angry, but we don't all hit. He is abusing you. Read some articles, you will get a better understanding, he is controlling you and you are blaming yourself, THIS IS NOT YOUR FAULT, him getting angry and hitting you is not your fault. It is unacceptable for him to hit you. I can't believe your blaming yourself. Everyone is responsible for their own action. Like I said, stop making excuses for your husband. You sound like such a wonderful woman, I don't know what crazy guy would want to hit you. I totally agree here w/ LisaUK. Do some research on this kind of stuff and while you're doing that, take Chat Room Hero advice and get a divorce attorney. Link to post Share on other sites
tojaz Posted July 5, 2009 Share Posted July 5, 2009 Grab your daughter and GET OUT!!! I can be quoted on this board many times that you should do anything in your power to save your marriage. THAT DOSEN"T APPLY HERE!!! Just a few days ago, I lost my best friend to an abusive husband. He pushed her down a flight of stairs!! She was trying to save her marriage, and now she is gone, she was 29. Please put your safety and that of your child above all. Get out, stay out! It will be the hardest thing you ever have to do to be sure, but consider the alternatives! TOJAZ Link to post Share on other sites
Author vangel2 Posted July 5, 2009 Author Share Posted July 5, 2009 Grab your daughter and GET OUT!!! I can be quoted on this board many times that you should do anything in your power to save your marriage. THAT DOSEN"T APPLY HERE!!! Just a few days ago, I lost my best friend to an abusive husband. He pushed her down a flight of stairs!! She was trying to save her marriage, and now she is gone, she was 29. Please put your safety and that of your child above all. Get out, stay out! It will be the hardest thing you ever have to do to be sure, but consider the alternatives! TOJAZ I'm so sorry for your loss. At the age of 29 just seems so unfair. Thank you for sharing that with me... I can't imagine what her family is going through right now. I hope that the husband is put in jail. As we speak, I'm talking to my family about my situation and they all agreed that I should let him go and that they want me to move in with them to take care of me and my daughter. It's a huge step... and I need all the encouragement I can get. Thank you for everyone's input. It really opened up my eyes to see that this unacceptable and my daughter and I deserve better. Link to post Share on other sites
LisaUk Posted July 5, 2009 Share Posted July 5, 2009 I'm so sorry for your loss. At the age of 29 just seems so unfair. Thank you for sharing that with me... I can't imagine what her family is going through right now. I hope that the husband is put in jail. As we speak, I'm talking to my family about my situation and they all agreed that I should let him go and that they want me to move in with them to take care of me and my daughter. It's a huge step... and I need all the encouragement I can get. Thank you for everyone's input. It really opened up my eyes to see that this unacceptable and my daughter and I deserve better. It is a huge step, but it is the right one. Please do some reading and also see if you can get to a counsellor for support. Keep posting here, we are here for you if you need to talk, you're not alone. (Tojaz, I'm so sorry, I did not know this is what happened to Allie, I hope the H goes away for life). Link to post Share on other sites
asuman Posted July 5, 2009 Share Posted July 5, 2009 Those were two different situations. My eardrums were ruptured bc he hit me one time so hard across the head that even the ringing wouldn't go away for like a day. I went to the hospital and told the doctors that I got hit by accident. Point #1: My point remains the same, because strangling you can still constitute the crime of Attempted Murder. Point #2: Hitting you across the head constituted the crime of Assault. Point #3: You've now admitted that he has seriously injured you on TWO SEPARATE OCCASIONS. In short, he's assaulted you twice and one of those times may have committed attempted murder. These are the facts. Link to post Share on other sites
WARREN86 Posted July 5, 2009 Share Posted July 5, 2009 I'm so sorry for your loss. At the age of 29 just seems so unfair. Thank you for sharing that with me... I can't imagine what her family is going through right now. I hope that the husband is put in jail. As we speak, I'm talking to my family about my situation and they all agreed that I should let him go and that they want me to move in with them to take care of me and my daughter. It's a huge step... and I need all the encouragement I can get. Thank you for everyone's input. It really opened up my eyes to see that this unacceptable and my daughter and I deserve better. Good for you! That's the first step. It's going to be hard, now. Don't let him sweet talk you into coming back into the marriage. You stuck with him long enough to give him the opportunity to change. You have to be strong and you have to stick with your decision. NO MATTER WHAT. DO THIS ASAP. Don't become another statistic. TOJAZ, man, I'm sorry for your loss. May she R.I.P. and her H rot in jail. Link to post Share on other sites
tojaz Posted July 5, 2009 Share Posted July 5, 2009 It is a huge step, but it is the right one. Please do some reading and also see if you can get to a counsellor for support. Keep posting here, we are here for you if you need to talk, you're not alone. (Tojaz, I'm so sorry, I did not know this is what happened to Allie, I hope the H goes away for life). Vangel2, yes it was completely unfair. He did get arrested and was sentenced to a year before she died. They should be able to retry the case and go for murder, that is what I hope. It is good that your family is willing to help you, I would take them up on this as soon as possible. Not only do you deserve better, nobody on earth deserves what you and Allison (my friend) had to endure. Please be safe. Lisa, I haven't shared that fact with many people. I posted it here and on Love Bubbles thread because i truly believe they needed to hear it. She went in the hospital six months ago with severe injuries to her head and neck, she slipped into a coma two months later. One way or another, her husband will get everything he deserves and more, I'm sure of it. TOJAZ Link to post Share on other sites
Author vangel2 Posted July 5, 2009 Author Share Posted July 5, 2009 Vangel2, yes it was completely unfair. He did get arrested and was sentenced to a year before she died. They should be able to retry the case and go for murder, that is what I hope. It is good that your family is willing to help you, I would take them up on this as soon as possible. Not only do you deserve better, nobody on earth deserves what you and Allison (my friend) had to endure. Please be safe. Lisa, I haven't shared that fact with many people. I posted it here and on Love Bubbles thread because i truly believe they needed to hear it. She went in the hospital six months ago with severe injuries to her head and neck, she slipped into a coma two months later. One way or another, her husband will get everything he deserves and more, I'm sure of it. TOJAZ I truely hope that he gets tried for murder to serve justice for the family. It is a true loss and nobody deserves to die the way she did. I thank God that I found this forum, bc it really helped me and I am grateful for the ones who really opened up their personal stories to help me out. Thank you again. Link to post Share on other sites
Author vangel2 Posted July 5, 2009 Author Share Posted July 5, 2009 Good for you! That's the first step. It's going to be hard, now. Don't let him sweet talk you into coming back into the marriage. You stuck with him long enough to give him the opportunity to change. You have to be strong and you have to stick with your decision. NO MATTER WHAT. DO THIS ASAP. Don't become another statistic. TOJAZ, man, I'm sorry for your loss. May she R.I.P. and her H rot in jail. Yeah, he convinced me to stay with him for over 5 years. We're already separated, might as well end it now for good. Link to post Share on other sites
Author vangel2 Posted July 6, 2009 Author Share Posted July 6, 2009 Point #1: My point remains the same, because strangling you can still constitute the crime of Attempted Murder. Point #2: Hitting you across the head constituted the crime of Assault. Point #3: You've now admitted that he has seriously injured you on TWO SEPARATE OCCASIONS. In short, he's assaulted you twice and one of those times may have committed attempted murder. These are the facts. It's hard to accept the word "attempted murder" but they are the facts and I definitely would have to agree with you. Link to post Share on other sites
tojaz Posted July 6, 2009 Share Posted July 6, 2009 I truely hope that he gets tried for murder to serve justice for the family. It is a true loss and nobody deserves to die the way she did. I thank God that I found this forum, bc it really helped me and I am grateful for the ones who really opened up their personal stories to help me out. Thank you again. Your very welcome. It is a true tragedy, yet if her story can inspire you to protect yourself and your daughter, that will at least give some purpose to an otherwise senseless act. Please keep posting and let us know how you are. TOJAZ Link to post Share on other sites
Author vangel2 Posted July 7, 2009 Author Share Posted July 7, 2009 Your very welcome. It is a true tragedy, yet if her story can inspire you to protect yourself and your daughter, that will at least give some purpose to an otherwise senseless act. Please keep posting and let us know how you are. TOJAZ Yes. I always think about the loss of your friend and it does give me the courage to continue moving foward with this situation I'm in. Life is too short to be unhappy and to live in hope that one day things will get better. I have wasted 5 years of my life being married to this guy just so that he could turn out to be worse each year. It's hard to think that my husband now would ever hurt me the way your friend's husband did, but I'm not taking any chances no more. It's sad that a life of someone had to be taken for me to realize that, but God makes things happen for a reason. I will definitely keep you guys updated. Link to post Share on other sites
tojaz Posted July 7, 2009 Share Posted July 7, 2009 Yes. I always think about the loss of your friend and it does give me the courage to continue moving foward with this situation I'm in. Life is too short to be unhappy and to live in hope that one day things will get better. I have wasted 5 years of my life being married to this guy just so that he could turn out to be worse each year. It's hard to think that my husband now would ever hurt me the way your friend's husband did, but I'm not taking any chances no more. It's sad that a life of someone had to be taken for me to realize that, but God makes things happen for a reason. I will definitely keep you guys updated. I'd like to think that Allie would appreciate that. There is nothing wrong with hope, hope has been whats getting me through my own crisis. Just don't let it blind you to the truth of the matter at hand. Hope that he finds help, gets better, becomes a better man. I hope he does to and I 've never met him. Just protect yourself first then let hope play out. TOJAZ Link to post Share on other sites
WARREN86 Posted July 7, 2009 Share Posted July 7, 2009 I'd like to think that Allie would appreciate that. There is nothing wrong with hope, hope has been whats getting me through my own crisis. Just don't let it blind you to the truth of the matter at hand. Hope that he finds help, gets better, becomes a better man. I hope he does to and I 've never met him. Just protect yourself first then let hope play out. TOJAZ I agree with you on that. At this point, the only hope she should hold on for him is that in the future he would be a better father for her daugther and a better husband for someone else. Link to post Share on other sites
tojaz Posted July 7, 2009 Share Posted July 7, 2009 i agree with you on that. At this point, the only hope she should hold on for him is that in the future he would be a better father for her daugther and a better husband for someone else. exactly!!! Link to post Share on other sites
Author vangel2 Posted July 7, 2009 Author Share Posted July 7, 2009 I'd like to think that Allie would appreciate that. There is nothing wrong with hope, hope has been whats getting me through my own crisis. Just don't let it blind you to the truth of the matter at hand. Hope that he finds help, gets better, becomes a better man. I hope he does to and I 've never met him. Just protect yourself first then let hope play out. TOJAZ That is definitely a hope I can life with. =) Link to post Share on other sites
Author vangel2 Posted July 7, 2009 Author Share Posted July 7, 2009 I agree with you on that. At this point, the only hope she should hold on for him is that in the future he would be a better father for her daugther and a better husband for someone else. it kind of hurts to think it like that... cos it makes you wonder why couldn't he be a better husband for me. Link to post Share on other sites
LisaUk Posted July 7, 2009 Share Posted July 7, 2009 it kind of hurts to think it like that... cos it makes you wonder why couldn't he be a better husband for me. Hi, I think maybe Warren was saying that this might be enough for him to seek help for himself, but that you should not bank on it and that it would not be healthy for you and your daughter to return to him. This isn't about you, it's not your fault, this is to do with his issues. If he decides to get help and that is a BIG if, it may take him years with a therapist to get his issues sorted. You should think of yourself and your daughter now, grieve your loss, of course, but also get educated about what has been happening in your marriage, this man abused you and when you can see this clearly (bc he will have blindsided you), you will want to move forwards with your life. Keep posting, you will probably find as you get deeper into this and the abuse literature that you will have a range of emotions that you need to talk about. Can you see a counsellor as well? Link to post Share on other sites
Author vangel2 Posted July 7, 2009 Author Share Posted July 7, 2009 Hi, I think maybe Warren was saying that this might be enough for him to seek help for himself, but that you should not bank on it and that it would not be healthy for you and your daughter to return to him. This isn't about you, it's not your fault, this is to do with his issues. If he decides to get help and that is a BIG if, it may take him years with a therapist to get his issues sorted. You should think of yourself and your daughter now, grieve your loss, of course, but also get educated about what has been happening in your marriage, this man abused you and when you can see this clearly (bc he will have blindsided you), you will want to move forwards with your life. Keep posting, you will probably find as you get deeper into this and the abuse literature that you will have a range of emotions that you need to talk about. Can you see a counsellor as well? YES. I am definitely looking in counselling. There's a church over here that offers counselling for women whose been abused in their relationship and I signed up on that yesterday. First group session is going to be tomorrow and I'm looking foward to it. Thank you so much for giving me your advice. This forum has actually been a little of therapy for me, too. =) Link to post Share on other sites
LisaUk Posted July 7, 2009 Share Posted July 7, 2009 That's good news about the counselling, group counselling will also help you to see you are not alone in your experiences and you may even make some new friends. I've seen some of your advice that you have given, you are a strong women and your daughter is very lucky to have such a well rounded role model. Link to post Share on other sites
Author vangel2 Posted July 7, 2009 Author Share Posted July 7, 2009 That's good news about the counselling, group counselling will also help you to see you are not alone in your experiences and you may even make some new friends. I've seen some of your advice that you have given, you are a strong women and your daughter is very lucky to have such a well rounded role model. Thank you for that, although, I feel like I've failed her by staying in this marriage as long as I did. I almost got teary-eyed, bc I never was told I was strong~ lol, all thanks to the H. I will definitely keep you posted on my way to recovery... (i guess that's what you would call it). I probably would need this more than ever especially when I finally get through the divorce part of my life. I owe it to my daughter to have a life where she doesn't need to live in fear. I feel so guilty that I put this on her for so long, but thankfully, I came upon this forum that really helped me figure out what the big issue was. I keep reading my original forum and I'm just laughing to myself bc I can't believe that I was so worried over who I wanted to be with. Just to keep you guys updated on the OM... well, he's out of the picture. I told him that I needed this as a time to find myself again. The last thing he needs is woman with issues that has never been resolved. Link to post Share on other sites
TaraMaiden Posted July 7, 2009 Share Posted July 7, 2009 You know, I really take my hat off to you, I think what you're doing is terrific. You're going to be a wonderful role-model for your little girl. Now get yourself safe and sound, away and happy. you deserve it. Link to post Share on other sites
tojaz Posted July 7, 2009 Share Posted July 7, 2009 Thank you for that, although, I feel like I've failed her by staying in this marriage as long as I did. I almost got teary-eyed, bc I never was told I was strong~ lol, all thanks to the H. Your going to find that you are stronger then you ever knew you could be. You are strong, I can hear it in your posts. Abusers are weak, thats why they abuse, to feel powerful. protecting yourself and your daughter, walking away, that is the strongest thing you will ever do. I will definitely keep you posted on my way to recovery... (i guess that's what you would call it). I probably would need this more than ever especially when I finally get through the divorce part of my life. I owe it to my daughter to have a life where she doesn't need to live in fear. I feel so guilty that I put this on her for so long, but thankfully, I came upon this forum that really helped me figure out what the big issue was. I keep reading my original forum and I'm just laughing to myself bc I can't believe that I was so worried over who I wanted to be with. Just to keep you guys updated on the OM... well, he's out of the picture. I told him that I needed this as a time to find myself again. The last thing he needs is woman with issues that has never been resolved. Sounds like a very healthy way of looking at things with the OM and very fair to him, he will appreciate that should you ever find each other again. As for guilt, what do you have to be guilty for? You tried to save your marriage, you are honest about what happened and when things got bad you sought help and left. Your daughter could have done a lot worse. The counseling will help a lot I'm sure. If there is anything I can do please feel free to ask, I'll keep checking your thread. i have done a lot of reading and research on the subject of abuse since Allies ordeal began, if you are looking for something let me know or if you'd like to hear more of her story, I'll post my E-mail for you. Stay strong Vangel TOJAZ Link to post Share on other sites
Author vangel2 Posted July 8, 2009 Author Share Posted July 8, 2009 You know, I really take my hat off to you, I think what you're doing is terrific. You're going to be a wonderful role-model for your little girl. Now get yourself safe and sound, away and happy. you deserve it. Thank you for the kind words. The last few days, I finally feel as though I did something for myself for a change and it feels good. =) The road ahead of me seeems kind of bumpy and sometimes I feel like I wanna look back... but then I see I see my daughter in the rearview mirror so I keep driving forward. Link to post Share on other sites
Author vangel2 Posted July 8, 2009 Author Share Posted July 8, 2009 The counseling will help a lot I'm sure. If there is anything I can do please feel free to ask, I'll keep checking your thread. i have done a lot of reading and research on the subject of abuse since Allies ordeal began, if you are looking for something let me know or if you'd like to hear more of her story, I'll post my E-mail for you. Stay strong Vangel TOJAZ Yes. I would love to KIT (keep in touch) about your dear friend. Please keep me posted about her situation and keep me posted about your situation as well. We all really need each other's company to get us through hard times like these. All of us have our own story to tell and it's great to be able to share them with one another...obviously, we all came here bc we were having problems yet we are able to help others as well. That's how I know that many of you are great ppl. Will definitely keep you posted. Link to post Share on other sites
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