Utterly Confused & Hurt

[tojaz]

Thank you for the kind words. The last few days, I finally feel as though I did something for myself for a change and it feels good. =) The road ahead of me seeems kind of bumpy and sometimes I feel like I wanna look back... but then I see I see my daughter in the rearview mirror so I keep driving forward.

 

Yes. I would love to KIT (keep in touch) about your dear friend. Please keep me posted about her situation and keep me posted about your situation as well. We all really need each other's company to get us through hard times like these. All of us have our own story to tell and it's great to be able to share them with one another...obviously, we all came here bc we were having problems yet we are able to help others as well. That's how I know that many of you are great ppl. Will definitely keep you posted.

 

Glad to hear you did something for yourself! That comment alone shows a lot of strength. When I first came to LS I posted my story and waited for help. This didn't help me much until I had learned a little and started getting involved with other peoples threads. Through trying to help I learned a lot about myself. You give a lot of good advice and have a good heart, in sharing it with others here, you will be amazed at how much it helps yourself, turns a negative into a positive for others.

TOJAZ

[KAP84]

did we forget that you cheated on your husband? you over there trying to make him out to be a bad guy when you should feel just as guilty.

[WARREN86]

Thank you for the kind words. The last few days, I finally feel as though I did something for myself for a change and it feels good. =) The road ahead of me seeems kind of bumpy and sometimes I feel like I wanna look back... but then I see I see my daughter in the rearview mirror so I keep driving forward.

 

I liked that. You are going to make it as long as you know you always have ppl to support you. Keep us posted and ignore KAP84 comment bc he's just bitter about his own situation.

[tojaz]

did we forget that you cheated on your husband? you over there trying to make him out to be a bad guy when you should feel just as guilty.

 

Vangel said -He has an anger problem so he can be very aggressive. The most scariest moment I had with him was when he was literally choking me to death. I got plenty of bruises and black eye, and a little bit of hearing loss from my eardrums being busted.

 

YOU TELL ME THIS ISN'T A BAD GUY!! Stir the pot somewhere else.

[TaraMaiden]

did we forget that you cheated on your husband? you over there trying to make him out to be a bad guy when you should feel just as guilty.

 

I love a person who can keep things in perspective.

We think you're way out of line here.... one doesn't justify the other.

 

Particularly when you consider her H's already long-standing role in making temptation so easy to give in to....

[KAP84]

Vangel said -He has an anger problem so he can be very aggressive. The most scariest moment I had with him was when he was literally choking me to death. I got plenty of bruises and black eye, and a little bit of hearing loss from my eardrums being busted.

 

YOU TELL ME THIS ISN'T A BAD GUY!! Stir the pot somewhere else.

 

Yeah, it's messed up that he did that but at the same time why didn't she just end it and then develop that relationship with the other guy. I don't understand how a person can be so unhappy in a marriage but don't leave. would've saved all the drama.

[KAP84]

I love a person who can keep things in perspective.

We think you're way out of line here.... one doesn't justify the other.

 

Particularly when you consider her H's already long-standing role in making temptation so easy to give in to....

 

I just read her original post and she was debating btwn two guys... she obviously wasn't too concerned about him being abusive. I'm just saying.

[vangel2]

I just want you all to know that I went to my first group session and it was very heartwarming. We all cried together and for the first time, I felt relieved. I feel like there was a part of me that I had buried and now I am feeling more alive than ever. Listening to the others speak about their experiences with their abusive husband was really hard but we realized that we weren't alone in this and that we had each other to help get through it all.

 

With that being said, my H decided to call me and I didn't answer. It was so hard not to, but I didn't because I didn't want him to convince me to change my decision on us. I realized that after a long time being with him, he had plenty of chances to redeem himself but he took me for granted and assumed that I would nver leave. Well, I want to prove him now that he's dead wrong.

[KAP84]

I just want you all to know that I went to my first group session and it was very heartwarming. We all cried together and for the first time, I felt relieved. I feel like there was a part of me that I had buried and now I am feeling more alive than ever. Listening to the others speak about their experiences with their abusive husband was really hard but we realized that we weren't alone in this and that we had each other to help get through it all.

 

With that being said, my H decided to call me and I didn't answer. It was so hard not to, but I didn't because I didn't want him to convince me to change my decision on us. I realized that after a long time being with him, he had plenty of chances to redeem himself but he took me for granted and assumed that I would nver leave. Well, I want to prove him now that he's dead wrong.

 

I think that you are going to end up going back to him because you originally wrote that you wanted to work things out. Quit lying to yourself. If he was so bad to you then why are you wanting to work things out with him in the first place?

[NopeNah]

Vangel said -He has an anger problem so he can be very aggressive. The most scariest moment I had with him was when he was literally choking me to death. I got plenty of bruises and black eye, and a little bit of hearing loss from my eardrums being busted.

 

YOU TELL ME THIS ISN'T A BAD GUY!! Stir the pot somewhere else.

Here's a little background on this genius http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t194555/

[Gunny376]

Be part of the solution! Not part of the problem KAP84!

 

Your offering judgements? Not solutions to the OP's problem.

 

Remember?

 

"But by the Grace of God? There go I!"

 

But to offer an answer to your question as to why the OP, women seldom leaped from one relationship to another, without having one to go through.

 

There are many reasons for this? Social, cultural, but mostly economic. Most women (especially if they have children) just simply cannot up and jump from a relationship into the wild abyss without some sort of support and back up plan.

 

Even now during the 21st century.

 

Granted in an ideal world, she should have gotten out of the first relationship, before getting into another one with someone else.

 

Most men when they leave a relationship they only have themselves to worry about.

 

But women ~ especially those with children? They have to contend not only with their own wants and needs? But those of their children.

 

They need clothing, food, housing, transportation, ~ there's Dr's appointments, medical, dental, medicine issues to contend with.

 

Until I got back out here in civilian la~la land, I didn't fully appreciate how hard it was for a woman to find a job, let alone a decent job.

 

A local convenience store I frequent told the women that worked there that the dress code for them included wearing makeup! Do you have any idea how much makeup costs?

 

When my X went back to work, she told me that she needed some new makeup? Go ahead! Get what you need. If you took the wrappers off the containers, your could have held it in your two hands cusp together!

 

It came to damn near $100 and this was back in 1988!

 

Granted in an ideal world? She should have left her DH before having an affair ~ I'm not defending that at all!

 

But the fact of the matter is? There's the way things are suppose to be and the way they are! Somewhere in between? Lies a little something I like to call 'reality'

 

vangel2 has come here looking for answers to the questions, and solutions to her problems ~ not judgement. She comes here looking for support from those of us going through what what she's going through.

 

Granted she should have, could have, would have ~ yada, yada!

 

But if your think your going to get through this life without having a few slip ups, mistakes of your own? Your sadly mistaken my Friend!

 

I've got a slew-full of screw ups under my belt!

 

And granted! If I'd known half of what I know now ~ thirty years ago?

 

I would have made Warren Buffet, Bill Gates, and Hugh Hefner look like ranked rookie amuters!

 

It all comes down to the definition of the word "If"

 

"If grasshoppers had and knew how to use Colt .45 pistols? Crows wouldn't "F" with them! But they don't and so crows have them for breakfast each morning!"

 

I'm not always right, but I'm seldom wrong, and it would be my guess you've never had to tote a proper @zz whopping?

 

My DI's in Marine bootcamp (1975) beat me until I thought I was the 'Nutty Professor"

 

Don't under estimate what physical abuse can do to one's mind? I could have filed charges against them?

 

But all I wanted was off that damned island (Parris Island, South Carolina!) And soon enough? Wasn 't quick enough! And the quickest way? Was to keep my mouth shut, suck it up and deal with it!

 

That's what the OP is doing! Trying to learn how to deal with it?

 

 

So the bottom line is?

 

Be part of the solution and not the problem?

 

Part of the answer and not the question?

 

Or be gone!

 

Just that plain!

 

Just that simple!

[Gunny376]

Be part of the solution! Not part of the problem KAP84!

 

Your offering judgements? Not solutions to the OP's problem.

 

Remember?

 

"But by the Grace of God? There go I!"

 

But to offer an answer to your question as to why the OP, women seldom leaped from one relationship to another, without having one to go to many reasons for this? Social, cultural, but mostly economic. Most women (especially if they have children) just simply cannot up and jump from a relationship into the wild abyss without some sort of support and back up plan.

 

Even now during the 21st century.

 

Granted in an ideal world, she should have gotten out of the first relationship, before getting into another one with someone else.

 

Most men when they leave a relationship they only have themselves to worry about.

 

But women ~ especially those with children? They have to contend not only with their own wants and needs? But those of their children.

 

They need clothing, food, housing, transportation, ~ there's Dr's appointments, medical, dental, medicine issues to contend with.

 

Until I got back out here in civilian la~la land, I didn't fully appreciate how hard it was for a woman to find a job, let alone a decent job.

 

A local convenience store I frequent told the women that worked there that the dress code for them included wearing makeup! Do you have any idea how much makeup costs?

 

When my X went back to work, she told me that she needed some new makeup? Go ahead! Get what you need. If you took the wrappers off the containers, your could have held it in your two hands cusp together!

 

It came to damn near $100 and this was back in 1988!

 

Granted in an ideal world? She should have left her DH before having an affair ~ I'm not defending that at all!

 

But the fact of the matter is? There's the way things are suppose to be and the way they are! Somewhere in between? Lies a little something I like to call 'reality'

 

vangel2 has come here looking for answers to the questions, and solutions to her problems ~ not judgement. She comes here looking for support from those of us going through what what she's going through.

 

Granted she should have, could have, would have ~ yada, yada!

 

But if your think your going to get through this life without having a few slip ups, mistakes of your own? Your sadly mistaken my Friend!

 

I've got a slew-full of screw ups under my belt!

 

And granted! If I'd known half of what I know now ~ thirty years ago?

 

I would have made Warren Buffet, Bill Gates, and Hugh Hefner look like ranked rookie amuters!

 

It all comes down to the definition of the word "If"

 

"If grasshoppers had and knew how to use Colt .45 pistols? Crows wouldn't "F" with them! But they don't and so crows have them for breakfast each morning!"

 

I'm not always right, but I'm seldom wrong, and it would be my guess you've never had to tote a proper @zz whopping?

 

My DI's in Marine bootcamp (1975) beat me until I thought I was the 'Nutty Professor"

 

Don't under estimate what physical abuse can do to one's mind? I could have filed charges against them?

 

But all I wanted was off that damned island (Parris Island, South Carolina!) And soon enough? Wasn 't quick enough! And the quickest way? Was to keep my mouth shut, suck it up and deal with it!

 

That's what the OP is doing! Trying to learn how to deal with it?

 

 

So the bottom line is?

 

Be part of the solution and not the problem?

 

Part of the answer and not the question?

 

Or be gone!

 

Just that plain!

 

Just that simple!

 

LOL! I quoted myself!

 

Damn I'm good!

[WARREN86]

Be part of the solution! Not part of the problem KAP84!

 

Your offering judgements? Not solutions to the OP's problem.

 

Remember?

 

"But by the Grace of God? There go I!"

 

But to offer an answer to your question as to why the OP, women seldom leaped from one relationship to another, without having one to go through.

 

There are many reasons for this? Social, cultural, but mostly economic. Most women (especially if they have children) just simply cannot up and jump from a relationship into the wild abyss without some sort of support and back up plan.

 

Even now during the 21st century.

 

Granted in an ideal world, she should have gotten out of the first relationship, before getting into another one with someone else.

 

Most men when they leave a relationship they only have themselves to worry about.

 

But women ~ especially those with children? They have to contend not only with their own wants and needs? But those of their children.

 

They need clothing, food, housing, transportation, ~ there's Dr's appointments, medical, dental, medicine issues to contend with.

 

Until I got back out here in civilian la~la land, I didn't fully appreciate how hard it was for a woman to find a job, let alone a decent job.

 

A local convenience store I frequent told the women that worked there that the dress code for them included wearing makeup! Do you have any idea how much makeup costs?

 

When my X went back to work, she told me that she needed some new makeup? Go ahead! Get what you need. If you took the wrappers off the containers, your could have held it in your two hands cusp together!

 

It came to damn near $100 and this was back in 1988!

 

Granted in an ideal world? She should have left her DH before having an affair ~ I'm not defending that at all!

 

But the fact of the matter is? There's the way things are suppose to be and the way they are! Somewhere in between? Lies a little something I like to call 'reality'

 

vangel2 has come here looking for answers to the questions, and solutions to her problems ~ not judgement. She comes here looking for support from those of us going through what what she's going through.

 

Granted she should have, could have, would have ~ yada, yada!

 

But if your think your going to get through this life without having a few slip ups, mistakes of your own? Your sadly mistaken my Friend!

 

I've got a slew-full of screw ups under my belt!

 

And granted! If I'd known half of what I know now ~ thirty years ago?

 

I would have made Warren Buffet, Bill Gates, and Hugh Hefner look like ranked rookie amuters!

 

It all comes down to the definition of the word "If"

 

"If grasshoppers had and knew how to use Colt .45 pistols? Crows wouldn't "F" with them! But they don't and so crows have them for breakfast each morning!"

 

I'm not always right, but I'm seldom wrong, and it would be my guess you've never had to tote a proper @zz whopping?

 

My DI's in Marine bootcamp (1975) beat me until I thought I was the 'Nutty Professor"

 

Don't under estimate what physical abuse can do to one's mind? I could have filed charges against them?

 

But all I wanted was off that damned island (Parris Island, South Carolina!) And soon enough? Wasn 't quick enough! And the quickest way? Was to keep my mouth shut, suck it up and deal with it!

 

That's what the OP is doing! Trying to learn how to deal with it?

 

 

So the bottom line is?

 

Be part of the solution and not the problem?

 

Part of the answer and not the question?

 

Or be gone!

 

Just that plain!

 

Just that simple!

 

I quoted you again =). If that didn't shut him up, I don't know what else would.

[WARREN86]

I think that you are going to end up going back to him because you originally wrote that you wanted to work things out. Quit lying to yourself. If he was so bad to you then why are you wanting to work things out with him in the first place?

 

I think your wife was right to call you insensitive. Don't take out your personal problems and dump it here where you don't know what's going on. Every situation is different and you should keep an open mind for others. Try to think before you speak. Your words can have a major impact on others.

[WARREN86]

I just want you all to know that I went to my first group session and it was very heartwarming. We all cried together and for the first time, I felt relieved. I feel like there was a part of me that I had buried and now I am feeling more alive than ever. Listening to the others speak about their experiences with their abusive husband was really hard but we realized that we weren't alone in this and that we had each other to help get through it all.

 

With that being said, my H decided to call me and I didn't answer. It was so hard not to, but I didn't because I didn't want him to convince me to change my decision on us. I realized that after a long time being with him, he had plenty of chances to redeem himself but he took me for granted and assumed that I would nver leave. Well, I want to prove him now that he's dead wrong.

 

I got so caught up with this KAP84, I totally missed out on this part of the forum. So sorry. He doesn't deserve any more attention he already gotten.

 

But, I am glad that you are finally taking your first step to finding yourself. Please continue with it and in the process of it, make sure you are getting those divorce papers ready because if you don't do it now, your H will definitely take the advantage to trying to get you back. He can't have you until he gets some serious help. Don't be fooled! This kind of help will take a long time for him to go through, so go ahead and let him go. You have to show him that this time it's for real. He has to feel that loss with you for him to realize that this time it's different. It's going to be hard, but like you said, keep looking in that rearview mirror of your daughter. Keep driving forward.

[Gunny376]

I've a 29 year old daughter, and I told my SIL out the gate!

 

You ever lay a hand upon her? You need to turn yourself into the law! Not just because you broke the law?

 

Because your @zz is going to BE IN SERIOUS need OF police protection from ME!

[tojaz]

Here's a little background on this genius http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t194555/

 

From Kaps thread>>> For the physical abuse, I only hit her a few times but she knew I had an anger problem and she just didn't know when to stop arguing with me. :eek:

 

So it's her fault your an abusive SOB, Suddenly all becomes clear!!

TOJAZ

[tojaz]

I just want you all to know that I went to my first group session and it was very heartwarming. We all cried together and for the first time, I felt relieved. I feel like there was a part of me that I had buried and now I am feeling more alive than ever. Listening to the others speak about their experiences with their abusive husband was really hard but we realized that we weren't alone in this and that we had each other to help get through it all.

 

With that being said, my H decided to call me and I didn't answer. It was so hard not to, but I didn't because I didn't want him to convince me to change my decision on us. I realized that after a long time being with him, he had plenty of chances to redeem himself but he took me for granted and assumed that I would nver leave. Well, I want to prove him now that he's dead wrong.

 

Glad to hear the group session went well for you. Sounds like a healthy atmosphere to be in. He will keep calling, I'm sure. Just be strong and even stronger if he shows up somewhere, call for help if you don't feel safe. Allies husband flew almost a thousand miles to see her and try to convince her to come back!

TOJAZ

[LisaUk]

Hi Vangel2, I'm glad the therapy session went well. Have you manged to do any reading on abuse yet, you will find that there is a strong controlling aspect to your H behaviour. Take no notice of Kap84, as he hit his w himself, he does not understand that you needed to get emotional support from anywhere you could, you were being controlled and intimadated.

[vangel2]

Hi Vangel2, I'm glad the therapy session went well. Have you manged to do any reading on abuse yet, you will find that there is a strong controlling aspect to your H behaviour. Take no notice of Kap84, as he hit his w himself, he does not understand that you needed to get emotional support from anywhere you could, you were being controlled and intimadated.

 

who? whose KAP84? lol.

 

but, I'm glad you brought that up. I had an interesting perspective from another woman whose husband was very controlling. She said that she finally realized that her husband for all these years never loved her, it was all about the obsession with power. She said that she blamed herself bc she allowed him to think that she was weak and that she was incapable of living without him. I think that was the same case for my husband. I don't think he ever loved me, either.

 

I did look up some stuff on abuse and I can't tell you how relieved I am bc I thought I was crazy and I really thought it was all my fault. Everything I read was exactly describing the kind of abuser he was. He was manipulative...and there was an interesting point I read about being manipulative which was that he used to use a lot of "I love you, but..." and that it would always make me feel bad about myself and guilty. He surrounded me with negativity constantly, belittling me.

 

What's really disturbing is when I came across the signs to look for in a potential spouse killer and he fit a lot of the description. It also said that most spouse murders occurs mainly when the relationship is or about to be over. So, needless to say, I will be paranoid for a little while.

[vangel2]

Glad to hear the group session went well for you. Sounds like a healthy atmosphere to be in. He will keep calling, I'm sure. Just be strong and even stronger if he shows up somewhere, call for help if you don't feel safe. Allies husband flew almost a thousand miles to see her and try to convince her to come back!

TOJAZ

 

Well, he lives like right around the corner, but I'm with family who never would leave me alone. I will always have the phone on me and I will never go out to places by myself. I'm either at work or at home these days.

[tojaz]

Well, he lives like right around the corner, but I'm with family who never would leave me alone. I will always have the phone on me and I will never go out to places by myself. I'm either at work or at home these days.

 

Glad to hear your taking care of yourself. I didn't want to frighten you with what I posted, well maybe a little, but a little fear will keep you safest. I must say, going back through your thread, even your writing seems to get more confident. Be proud of the leaps you are making. Your daughter is learning to be strong from this too, remember that.

TOJAZ

[vangel2]

It's been almost a week now since the last I spoke with my husband. He called me twice today but never leaves a message. I just sometimes wish I knew what it is that he wants. I cry every night, because truthfully, I do miss him. I discussed this with the group tonight and they all told me that the first few weeks feels that way bc this is the process of letting go. I have been holding onto him for 5 years so of course, there's a fear of the unknown.

 

Is it possible that maybe it was me that turned him into the guy he is today? Maybe, I never expressed how much he meant to me, but instead complain about the tihings he didn't do? I know it that it doesn't justify what his own actions, but I feel sometimes I influenced him to be the kind of man he is now.

 

I talked this over with my counselor and she told me that it's natural to think like that, but again I'm making excuses for his own actions. Even if that was the case, if he loved me enough, he would've done something to make the marriage work in the first place.

 

I am glad that we are separated, but I can't help but ask myself all these things and wonder if he was with someone else, would she make him a better person than I ever could? What was it about me that couldn't make him a better man? blah blah blah. I know. Just venting and contemplating.

[vangel2]

Glad to hear your taking care of yourself. I didn't want to frighten you with what I posted, well maybe a little, but a little fear will keep you safest. I must say, going back through your thread, even your writing seems to get more confident. Be proud of the leaps you are making. Your daughter is learning to be strong from this too, remember that.

TOJAZ

 

I believe that you, too, sound like you are picking up the pieces of your life and putting them together. You, too, is slowly realizing that your relationship with the former lover is no longer needed in order to function. One day, we're going to find that we deserve to be in a relationship where we're wanted and appreciated. Stay focus and stay strong.

[vangel2]

I got so caught up with this KAP84, I totally missed out on this part of the forum. So sorry. He doesn't deserve any more attention he already gotten.

 

But, I am glad that you are finally taking your first step to finding yourself. Please continue with it and in the process of it, make sure you are getting those divorce papers ready because if you don't do it now, your H will definitely take the advantage to trying to get you back. He can't have you until he gets some serious help. Don't be fooled! This kind of help will take a long time for him to go through, so go ahead and let him go. You have to show him that this time it's for real. He has to feel that loss with you for him to realize that this time it's different. It's going to be hard, but like you said, keep looking in that rearview mirror of your daughter. Keep driving forward.

 

Like I mentioned in update post, he did call (all times I didn't answer) and it was hard! I want to know what he has to say~ but I know I will be fooled just like you said.