Lonely, Sexless Marriage

[MarriedMom]

I am very unhappy in my marriage. My husband is a hard-working guy and good provider, but there is no emotional/physical connection between us. I have never been really attracted to him, but decided to marry at a lonely and unstable point in life. We've been married for 10 years and have a child. There's been no sex for 3 years, and prior to that sex happened maybe every 3 to 6 months.

 

He is so interested in keeping the marriage afloat, that he doesn't care about the lack of intimacy. However, our arguments are becoming more frequent as frustration between us builds. Friendship that was once there is being replaced with resentment on my part as I feel entirely un-nurtured by my spouse.

 

My husband is a hands on guy -not too engaged in the world around him. I am more intense and needy emotionally/intellectually. The thought of sex with him at this point is repulsive -his weight and hygiene are additional barriers there.

 

So, my question is, I guess, is there a way to overcome this nagging desire to leave? We've tried counseling to no avail. I am also about to enter a once-in-a-lifetime graduate program, so I'm at a point where I will have to forget that and get a low-paying job (if I can) or tread water in the marriage until the grad program is over in a few years.

 

I don't want to hurt our son, but I think that the tension between my husband and I can't be good for him and I just don't know how to fix it. I want to be a good Christian wife and want to want to work things out with the husband; unfortunately, the lack of a genuine desire to stay in the marriage makes it hard to give repair work a good try. I am very attached to my in-laws if that makes a difference.

 

Has anyone been here? Please help.

[Tony T]

Technically, you aren't married...you never were. You were never attracted to him, he isn't interested in sex...you want out...what kind of deal is this?

 

No, don't wait another day. Go see an attorney on Monday and get the process in the works. Keep things friendly. Go easy on your husband because this is as much your fault as his. You married under false pretenses. Forgive yourself, it happens. Sometimes we really want things to work but you can't get a square peg in a round hole.

 

This is not a happening thing and it won't get better. PLEASE learn from this mistake. And, in the future, don't think you will have fireworks for somebody forever. Get counseling and put your expectations of romance and marriage in perspective. Undoubtedly you can find a more appropriate partner but the chances of you finding a man who will want to jump in bed every day forever are next to nil.

 

I think you can do much better than what you are in now. Don't wait to do this....do it NOW!!!

[sunnylu]

I'm not at all trying to minimize your situation, but, I swear I posted a very similar post to yours just a few days ago. So, to answer your question, yes, unfortunately this such a common situation.

 

I don't know if I can really help, because, like you I came to this forum for the same thing. However, I've only been married for 4 years ......there is no way I can or will be willing or able to stick this out. Your life is so important..... It sounds like you're not in the right place for you. Obama was just saying something about giving grants to single moms going back to school.

 

Living with just you and your son ( I even have a son, he's 10) could be so simple and so fantastic for you both. He needs a happy mom.... There are ways you can do this..... You don't need to stay with someone especially when you find them simple minded and repulsive.

 

Whatever you decide to do..... Good luck and God bless.

 

-sunnylu;)

[MarriedMom]

Thanks for your replies. This is so difficult, because he is a good person and somewhat devoted to me in a cult-like way. The lack of sex hasn't really been hard, because I don't really have any sexual desire period for anyone. The lack of sex is just further evidence of the absolutely non-existent chemistry or connection in the marriage.

 

I'm sure that he will not allow me to have full or primary custody without a fight. We are both passionately attached to our son. It just won't be possible for me to be with my child, work and go to school, so I think I would have to make other plans if I proceed with the divorce now -maybe even move in with my family (I'm in my late 30s so that is less than desirable). I certainly don't want any part in fracturing my son's bond with his father.

[TroyNJ]

You see this is where I just don't get certain people, this marriage (if that's what u call it) never had a chance, so because you were never attracted to him and now want out he will likely have his life shattered. My advice is yes proceed with divorce but please fix yourself before even looking at another man.

[MarriedMom]

Yes, I think some form of joint custody will be key for us -maybe a Jon and Kate thing where we have a separate place for one of us to go when we don't have the child.

 

While I doubt that I will ever get married again, I did not go into the marriage with these reservations. I never placed a lot of value on the sexual attraction part and thought that our shared values would bring us together and make our marriage happy. I did not expect the level of disconnect and resentment that currently exists. The process of getting to know each other and ourselves has occurred over time -who's to say that even if all of the stars were aligned in the beginning that we could not have grown apart?

 

While divorce seems to be looming, does anyone think there is a way to come up with an arrangement that would keep the marriage in tact (until the child is 18) and move me to a place of contentment at least? Maybe if I engage in some intense spiritual course (daily mass, reading the hours etc) I can grow to love him and find meaning in our relationship. Has anyone else done this successfully?

[MarriedMom]

While I agree with you, my husband would rather stay in the marriage than leave -even if it is sexless and unhappy. We've talked about it (frequently) and he seems to think that a few days w/o a fight or a few weeks without talking about separation means that things are going fine in the marriage. He really does not think there is anything wrong and seems to require very little of me to be happy with life and the situation.

 

And to be clear, all he does is work, sleep, watch TV and eat. No outside life really for either of us. Unless he's sneaking out while I'm sleeping, there isn't any unaccounted time possible for infidelity to be a factor. Neither of us dated much before our marriage.

 

No, you don't try to tread water for a few more years to accomplish what you want. You already married him for the wrong reasons and it is totally selfish to keep him for a few more years to satisfy your own personal agenda. You've already stated as well that you don't think the situation is good for your son, so why would you also continue to subject him to that for a few more years?

 

It's time to put your big girl panties on and take care of yourself, even if that means taking a low paying job to make ends meet. Quit using this man. He deserves a life that's honest. Each year you keep him to satisy your own needs is a year in his life that he can't get back. A year that's wasted on a lie. Do the right thing and let him go.

[MarriedMom]

I have said as much to him and he wants the marriage to go on for as long as possible. He likes having a wife and being able to interact as a family with his folks etc.

 

I think he is very afraid of being alone. One thing I have suspected since we married, that he has never said explicitly or been confirmed, is that he is a little slow. I don't think he is retarded in the sense that he can't make adult decisions, but I really think he works hard to grasp basic concepts and have basic relationships. His personality covered all of this up in the beginning, but my suspicions have grown. Maybe he does not even know. I know he did have a rough time in school academically and socially. Maybe it is some learning disability. So just relating to him as an emotional equal is tough.

 

So basically, his intentions right now are to do and say anything possible to keep me from leaving. Relationship quality is not a concern. I think he does love me, but I also think I give him a sense of validation and security. I love him as a Christian and as a member of my family but am not in love now -though I believed I was at the beginning, sexual attraction notwithstanding.

 

What I don't want to do is end up miserable and on welfare. Finishing school would be a way form me to provide for my son and even my ex even if we proceed with the dissolution of our marriage. Yes, it is imperfect, and yes we're all using each other in certain ways. But I don't want to end up even more unhappy than I am now.

 

Does he honestly know how you feel and that your goal now, at the least is to try to keep it together until you are in a better position to be on your own, and your son is an adult? He needs to be allowed to make an informed decision as well.

 

You already said that you went into this when you were in a bad place, so all that you just talked about, about growing together, etc was your way of justifying marrying him when you knew it wasn't right. It was about meeting your needs without true consideration for him. And that's what you're still doing now.

[MarriedMom]

You are right -I guess you never know what you don't know. I would be really surprised though -and that would be an automatic deal breaker, a sign from God even. He knows that, too, as there is very little aside from my vow to God and our child keeping me here. So that would be a really dumb move on his part.

 

Well, I don't know your H's work schedule or anything like that so I'm not suggesting this is what's going on here, but don't be naive. There's always time for an affair. It's a matter of "if there's a will there's a way".

 

The A I had with a MM happened mostly on his lunch hours. There was other time we spent together as well, but since he didn't have to punch a clock, it was easy to spend a couple of hours together in the afternoon. He had to "work late", and "go into work early" for projects etc., which really meant he was driving to my house to crawl in bed with me. We saw each other an average of 3 times a week for the better part of a year and his wife never found out. He didn't have much of a life outside of work and the home either, frankly because his W was very needy, but he still found a way to have this "other life" with me that kept him happy and plugging along in his marriage until I ended it.

[MarriedMom]

I agree. I need to lower my expectations and learn to be content if I choose to stay. For the record, I've worked full time to this point and will be taking student loans to pay for school and help keep us afloat in the interim, so there is no notion of being a "kept" woman here. Just looking to connect with folks in similar situations, I guess. I have told my husband that I think our marriage is dead now and do not see our marriage lasting past our son's 18th birthday, and he wants to hang on and wait and see anyway.Thanks for all of your feedback.

 

Based on the information you've provided, this is what I see. You're not really invested in the outcome of marriage in whole, only in part. You want to sustain it long enough to get you where you want to be. Or at least that's your main interest.

 

But the effects of you mutually using each other (not quite sure I buy that one) is taking its toll. You have unmet needs and are resenting him for them even though you're not putting in the effort either. And how can you when you don't love him and aren't looking at the marriage as anything but a vehicle to buy you time and education to improve your life? I'm assuming since you said you'd have to take a job that you aren't working now. So he'll be paying for your education as well?

 

There is nothing "Christianly" about using someone else. You may think he's using you as well, but frankly those are the conclusions you've drawn based on what you know about him. You haven't said that he told you he's happy to stay in the marriage regardless of what your intentions are. But you do know how you feel and he is a means to an end right now. There's nothing Christian about that at all.

 

Despite all of that, if you want to continue on this path, to make it to the end, you're going to have to quit looking to him to satisfy any of your emotional needs, physical needs (which you said isn't a problem), entertainment, etc. You might get some of that along the way, but if you drop your expectations and look to yourself to fill those needs and relieve him of that responsibility, then you will become more satisfied with the arrangement. Think roommates. Except you get the better end of the deal since you'll have a roof provided for you, food and clothing provided for you, education provided for you, and all you have to do is be a warm body in the room since apparently that's what he's happy with.

 

You're only going to get out of this what you put into it. So before you become angry with him because he isn't making you happy, you need to remember why you're there and what your ultimate goal is. And don't take this as bashing you. I'm only being totally open with what I see and think based on the information you've provided.

[MarriedMom]

I wonder if there is any practical course I can take to adjust my own attitude? Can attraction/emotional connection if there is none there? My husband is a good person with, I believe, some fundamentally good qualities and character. I don't want to be in a dishonest marriage any more than anyone else, but the realities of leaving may be harsher -at least in the short term -than staying. Maybe I should try individual counseling to find some way to rebuke my recurring negative thoughts toward him? Will a concerted effort at reestablishing a physical relationship lead to more contentment and authenticity?

[Mr. Lucky]

I have told my husband that I think our marriage is dead now and do not see our marriage lasting past our son's 18th birthday, and he wants to hang on and wait and see anyway.Thanks for all of your feedback.

At the risk of reducing things to their simplest elements, hanging in there for a few years meets both your basic needs. And sometimes that's where you have to start - he stays married to you, you attend grad school, the family home stays intact. No one is being deceived and who knows what might happen to your relationship in the interim. Not the worst idea I've heard...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Stung]

You are right -I guess you never know what you don't know. I would be really surprised though -and that would be an automatic deal breaker, a sign from God even. He knows that, too, as there is very little aside from my vow to God and our child keeping me here. So that would be a really dumb move on his part.

 

If your husband truly does know that you are only in this marriage for a limited time and have no lingering emotional connection to him, but chooses to keep it up for his own reasons, then I guess I agree with Mr. Lucky...you might as well stick it out for this limited time, as it apparently furthers some kind of goal for the both of you. However, I would definitely recommend the IC and/or MC for the duration, to help the two of you work through the tension you've mentioned. If you can't remain civil and amicable to each other for the next few years, for the sake of your sanity and your son, don't keep up the charade, call it quits. Nobody should live walking on eggshells, gritting their teeth to survive every day full of resentment, and it would be a horrible environment for your kid.

 

That being said, the above quote struck me as odd.

 

You say yourself:

 

1. you haven't had sex with your husband in 3 years

2. you have zero intention of having sex with him ever again

3. you are not attracted to him

4. you are not in love with him

5. you don't care about being married to him in any real way anymore

6. the marriage is just a convenience, something you are using to help you go back to school and provide structure for your son

 

...yet if he were to seek physical release in a sexual relationship elsewhere, that would be an 'automatic dealbreaker'? That seems profoundly selfish to me. Why put a chastity belt on the man? It seems to me at this point like you wouldn't even care. You're just denying him a basic human need because of, what, pride?

[hopefulInFuture]

I think you're just bored out of your mind. What are you doing for yourself to feel more excited and happy? Before taking any abrupt measures try to take a close look at yourself and work on yourself. Who knows maybe if you make yourself excited and exciting once more things change and your husband might find you attractive once more. Nagging is not attractive. Continuously finding faults in your marriage is not attractive. I am not saying you don't have reasons for feeling this. I don't know what the reality of your marriage is. But first start working on yourself. You might get surprised with the outcomes. One thing I know is that nobody can make you happy but yourself. If your fun needs are not being met, take steps to meet them yourself. And if I were you, as long as you're planning to stay in your marriage, you owe this marriage some more altruism. What are you doing for your husband so that he feels crazily in love with you? If you ask this question yourself and you're honest with yourself, you might find many ways to improve your relationship

[Toodamnpragmatic]

If your husband truly does know that you are only in this marriage for a limited time and have no lingering emotional connection to him, but chooses to keep it up for his own reasons, then I guess I agree with Mr. Lucky...you might as well stick it out for this limited time, as it apparently furthers some kind of goal for the both of you. However, I would definitely recommend the IC and/or MC for the duration, to help the two of you work through the tension you've mentioned. If you can't remain civil and amicable to each other for the next few years, for the sake of your sanity and your son, don't keep up the charade, call it quits. Nobody should live walking on eggshells, gritting their teeth to survive every day full of resentment, and it would be a horrible environment for your kid.

 

That being said, the above quote struck me as odd.

 

You say yourself:

 

1. you haven't had sex with your husband in 3 years

2. you have zero intention of having sex with him ever again

3. you are not attracted to him

4. you are not in love with him

5. you don't care about being married to him in any real way anymore

6. the marriage is just a convenience, something you are using to help you go back to school and provide structure for your son

 

...yet if he were to seek physical release in a sexual relationship elsewhere, that would be an 'automatic dealbreaker'? That seems profoundly selfish to me. Why put a chastity belt on the man? It seems to me at this point like you wouldn't even care. You're just denying him a basic human need because of, what, pride?

 

And what struck me is she too states she has no interest in sex whatsoever with anyone.

 

I have to ask, no masturbation, no enjoyment at all of sex? If you have no enjoyment for sex, physical closeness, a lifetime partnership, then may as well just coast through the next 8 years and make each others lives miserable or live in indifference....