So close to the goal..and it feels like I'm unglue-ing

[hoping2heal]

Hello,

 

I have the wonderful news of knowing that soon my LDR will come to an end as LDR status. I should be happy, and I AM. At the same time I'm also really emotional and just wanting everything to go right. To the point I think I am over babbling, over thinking, and over reacting. Today I started picking a fights, the problem is I was mixing legitimate concerns/things that bother me, with things that don't trully bother me just to add to the sh*tstorm so to speak. Apparently, I WANTED a confrontation.Don't get me wrong, it isn't that I'm re thinking or doubting I'm making the right decision, I know I am and I'm not looking to back out I'm just feeling so vulnerable right now. Like, oh god will everything go through?

 

Anyway, just wanting to hear from others who have maybe experienced the same kind of thing.

[Island Girl]

I went through a period of this shortly before my wedding.

 

I made a phone call to my husband that went something like this:

 

"Honey, I want to talk to you about something and it's serious." He agreed and I could tell he was listening intently.

"You know that I jump to conclusions a lot and that I sometimes bite your head off. And that I can be difficult and it is hard for me to apologize. And that I am somewhat spoiled and self absorbed. And that I talk a lot and I am a perfectionist."

 

He said, "Of course yes. Why are you telling me these things? How long have I been knowing you now. Five years."

 

So I say, "I know but I am just making sure that you understand this is who I am and you don't think after we get married I'm going to be someone different or I am going to suddenly change".

 

Then I heard him laugh harder than I think I have ever heard him laugh and he told me that he knew I wasn't going to be someone different and that he was marrying me just as I always have been, etc.

 

Understandably you are probably anxious about the transition and what happens after.

You should try opening up to him about your thoughts about that and perhaps the angst you are having about your fears etc.

 

It just sounds like you are rattling things so IF it were to fall apart because of problems it falls apart now or gets tested to the utmost to show it isn't going to.

 

The relationship dynamic is going to change. While the distance has been hard it is familiar to you.

All of this is just fear of the unknown basically.

Just talk to him about it and I am sure you will feel a lot better.

[hoping2heal]

I went through a period of this shortly before my wedding.

 

I made a phone call to my husband that went something like this:

 

"Honey, I want to talk to you about something and it's serious." He agreed and I could tell he was listening intently.

"You know that I jump to conclusions a lot and that I sometimes bite your head off. And that I can be difficult and it is hard for me to apologize. And that I am somewhat spoiled and self absorbed. And that I talk a lot and I am a perfectionist."

 

He said, "Of course yes. Why are you telling me these things? How long have I been knowing you now. Five years."

 

So I say, "I know but I am just making sure that you understand this is who I am and you don't think after we get married I'm going to be someone different or I am going to suddenly change".

 

Then I heard him laugh harder than I think I have ever heard him laugh and he told me that he knew I wasn't going to be someone different and that he was marrying me just as I always have been, etc.

 

Understandably you are probably anxious about the transition and what happens after.

You should try opening up to him about your thoughts about that and perhaps the angst you are having about your fears etc.

 

It just sounds like you are rattling things so IF it were to fall apart because of problems it falls apart now or gets tested to the utmost to show it isn't going to.

 

The relationship dynamic is going to change. While the distance has been hard it is familiar to you.

All of this is just fear of the unknown basically.

Just talk to him about it and I am sure you will feel a lot better.

 

WOW.

 

Thankyou for your response IG, what you said about rattling things so that IF they were going to fall apart, they would know or gets tested to show it won't. I think you are on to something there. I've been so overly emotional and moody the past couple of days. A LOT of fearof the unknown. It doesn't help that I have absolutely no support whatsoever, because no one wants me leaving, even though I'm only going to be gone for a short time, and it will be him making the bigger adjustment by making an actual move here.

 

I get talked to daily about how what I'm doing is foolish and stupid, and how dangerous it is living in another country etc. No one gives me credit for having thought this through thoroughly. There is a reason I love and choose this man, and it goes beyond physical attraction, sense of humor, and pleasant conversation. There are very specific, unique special things about him. He is a true gem. I wish I could just wrap my arms around him now.

 

I'm giving up a lot, but getting so much more in return. If there ever were a man for me, this one is it. I did talk to him a little today, and found out some of his fears/concerns. I was so happy he shared them with me I cried, he seemed to take everything so "cooly"that I kept thinking "maybe he hasn't thought this through all the way" "Maybe he needs to reconsider more". Now I feel like, okay he has thought about it, and it's what he wants.

 

It's a lot of pressure waiting for the time to come and all that needs to be done to be ready, but I know it will be so worth it holding his hand. The minute I hold his hand it will be like, trouble what? I don't remember any trouble.

[Island Girl]

I know how hard things like this can be when there is no support around you.

 

It feels like you outwardly can't have any normal fears because somehow it will give credibility to those stupid nay-sayers. So it is positive positive positive all the time around everyone. And then privately you have those nagging thoughts or doubts which never get to be expressed so they just go round and round. UGH.

 

You said your move there is just temporary. How long are you going to be there? - And then do you return together?

 

Of course he is having his own insecure thoughts and doubts. Human beings as a rule don't embrace massive change with nothing but relish. We always have that other voice talking in our heads when it comes to these things don't we.

 

My friends all tease me about when my husband will finally be allowed to come here and we live together. They all told me to watch What Happens In Vegas because they say they imagine it will be like that.

And when they argue with their husbands they say, "be glad when you fight you can just hang up and not have to SEE him all day long!"

 

I think about the transition and how we'll figure the day to day stuff out again.

 

But I don't have any fear of it ending anymore. After making it through as much as we have and still being as devoted as we are I know we will figure it out while staying together.

Nothing will bring an end. There just is no such thing as our relationship ending.

 

It may sound ridiculous but both of us are that committed. And both of us are that sure of the other's commitment as well.

We even have our vows changed to "forever and ever" instead of "until death do us part".

 

 

When you get there all of this will melt away. People here will melt away too.

Everything will and you will immerse yourself in him and the two of you.

You'll figure all of the crap out and it will be easier than you could imagine.

[hoping2heal]

I know how hard things like this can be when there is no support around you.

 

It feels like you outwardly can't have any normal fears because somehow it will give credibility to those stupid nay-sayers. So it is positive positive positive all the time around everyone. And then privately you have those nagging thoughts or doubts which never get to be expressed so they just go round and round. UGH.

 

You said your move there is just temporary. How long are you going to be there? - And then do you return together?

 

Of course he is having his own insecure thoughts and doubts. Human beings as a rule don't embrace massive change with nothing but relish. We always have that other voice talking in our heads when it comes to these things don't we.

 

My friends all tease me about when my husband will finally be allowed to come here and we live together. They all told me to watch What Happens In Vegas because they say they imagine it will be like that.

And when they argue with their husbands they say, "be glad when you fight you can just hang up and not have to SEE him all day long!"

 

I think about the transition and how we'll figure the day to day stuff out again.

 

But I don't have any fear of it ending anymore. After making it through as much as we have and still being as devoted as we are I know we will figure it out while staying together.

Nothing will bring an end. There just is no such thing as our relationship ending.

 

It may sound ridiculous but both of us are that committed. And both of us are that sure of the other's commitment as well.

We even have our vows changed to "forever and ever" instead of "until death do us part".

 

 

When you get there all of this will melt away. People here will melt away too.

Everything will and you will immerse yourself in him and the two of you.

You'll figure all of the crap out and it will be easier than you could imagine.

 

 

It does feel like I can't express my fears, because I do feel like it will be used against me to say "see! you're making a mistake!" Thing is, I don't feel that way. It's not that I'm worried about them convincing me of it, so much as it hurts to know I have no one I can talk about this with, because no one will just listen, instead it will just be thrown in my face I'm doing something wrong.

 

That's why I made this post to begin with, mostly just to find some common ground with others who have been through this, because I know I'm not alone, and hearing how others go through and get through, is one way of positive support. I will be there about 6 months, and then he will return with me is the plan if all goes well. Either way, I won't be permanently living there, if I have to stay there longer to get things in order, I don't mind that. I'm committed, our relationship has room to grow and I hope it will stay that way; I hope we will always move forward, and keep growing.

 

He has taught me so much and inspired so much. I don't think it sounds ridiculous that you know your relationship will never end. I think it sounds beautiful and wonderful. That's what I hope for he and I to be someday. Well, I know I'm not going anywhere . We may fight, bicker, battle, it doesn't matter. I'm comitted to working things through and working things out. I'm his forever, if he'll have me. I miss him so much just typing this. I know the day I leave will be emotional, but I'm going to give him the biggest hug first chance and not let go. He won't know what hit him, in terms of hugs .

[Island Girl]

I really do know how you feel. Believe me.

About everything you have expressed.

 

And your fears are normal. You are embarking on a new journey that will change your life.

You aren't alone. Not only because those that have the similar stories here on this board but HE is going through this as well.

He is going through these changes with you and supporting you every step of the way.

 

I know what you mean about not sharing about your fears because they'll take those statements and try to use them to prove their own point - to show that you shouldn't go and you shouldn't make the choices you are making.

 

I do know what it is like to have those closest to you not understand what you have in your relationship.

To this day there are people who are supposed to be closest to me not understand what I really have. It doesn't come along everyday - or even once in most people's lifetimes. These same people think I should just find someone here because of the difficulties with immigration and the embassy.

They don't get it. They don't know how rare it is to find someone who knows you -- all of you and sees YOU not just what they want to see but the real you and embraces you wholeheartedly.

[hoping2heal]

I really do know how you feel. Believe me.

About everything you have expressed.

 

And your fears are normal. You are embarking on a new journey that will change your life.

You aren't alone. Not only because those that have the similar stories here on this board but HE is going through this as well.

He is going through these changes with you and supporting you every step of the way.

 

I know what you mean about not sharing about your fears because they'll take those statements and try to use them to prove their own point - to show that you shouldn't go and you shouldn't make the choices you are making.

 

I do know what it is like to have those closest to you not understand what you have in your relationship.

To this day there are people who are supposed to be closest to me not understand what I really have. It doesn't come along everyday - or even once in most people's lifetimes. These same people think I should just find someone here because of the difficulties with immigration and the embassy.

They don't get it. They don't know how rare it is to find someone who knows you -- all of you and sees YOU not just what they want to see but the real you and embraces you wholeheartedly.

 

EXACTLY. That's just it! He knows the real me,well he knows more of the real me than anyone else anyhow. Believe me, what he DOES know is a complete and total hot mess. I guess the only thing I have left to work on, is not sweeping things under the rug so much. He told me that today and I'm glad he said something, because I was under the false impression I was making things easier. I realise now, I was being detrimental. The road to hell is paved with good intetions, along that line kind of thing . I guess I just need to finish coming into my own a little more and viola.

 

You're so right though, see before I met him, well I wouldn't say I didn't find anything wrong with the way I did things, I did. But nobody ever challenged me on it until I met him. It was all for the best too, I hid my true self behind a lot of defense and coping mechanisms. I realise how many people rely on fronts and masks of some sort every day to get by in relationships. It's very rare that two people really know eachother. Intimacy is an incredibly hard thing for me. But through all my stumbles, well he's been there. Not because he's weak but because he sees the real me under that. That's why I believe he's still here. It is rare to have someone love you, with all your ugly parts hanging out to see. It's special, so special. As I said before, this one is a gem.