myway4077 Posted July 4, 2009 Share Posted July 4, 2009 I've be out of my house for a year know. I have two children 7 year girl and a 4 year old boy. To make along story short me and my soon to be ex wife where together at a very early age 18 and 19 years old. For 14 years we have been together married for 3 years. I have to admit that i wasn't the best man to her that i could have been. I made many mistakes that i can not take back but am very very sorry i made them. I love her dearly and want to reconcile. I would love to hear from people who succesfully have reconciled or are in the process of reconciling. Would love to hear do's and dont's of this journey. Am done with the begging and all the other stuff am sure everyone does when they are going through this painful experience. I would love to hear everyones thoughts, but i would rather have people that have gone through this, are going through it, and/or have success stories to share. I only want to hear of success stories beacuse even though i know i can loss my wife forever i want to stay positive and keep positive people and thoughts in this thread. Thank you in advance for all your advice. I pray that God helps us all in who are going through this awful process. Link to post Share on other sites
tojaz Posted July 4, 2009 Share Posted July 4, 2009 I will tell you, if you make it to a positive outcome, your going to go through a lot of negative. Search for threads from TrustInYourself for a success story, he has successfully reconciled and has a lot of insight to give. Also check out Lupa's thread "apart and shaken" as this is shaping up into a positive outcome. I will be honest that it is important to prepare yourself for the negativity that is to come. My threads "MyStory" and "the rest of MyStory" while not a success by any measure, contain a lot of good advice you will need to hear. If you have the stomach for it, I'd give it a a look. TOJAZ Link to post Share on other sites
Author myway4077 Posted July 4, 2009 Author Share Posted July 4, 2009 Thank you very much for the reply. I understand that its going to take a lot of negative to get the positive. Am willing to deal with whatever comesmy way, i will fight till the end as long as i get my family back. Again thank you for your reply and i will take a look at the recommended threads. Link to post Share on other sites
tojaz Posted July 4, 2009 Share Posted July 4, 2009 Thank you very much for the reply. I understand that its going to take a lot of negative to get the positive. Am willing to deal with whatever comesmy way, i will fight till the end as long as i get my family back. Again thank you for your reply and i will take a look at the recommended threads. That is very devoted, but, and your going to hear a lot of this. It is important to work on yourself, better yourself, and to do it for you. It is very easy to lose yourself going through something like this, accept anything to get your family back. This will just doom you to failure. Do your best to keep your family but above all else, keep your integrity. Keep posting TOJAZ Link to post Share on other sites
LisaUk Posted July 4, 2009 Share Posted July 4, 2009 Tojaz is right any threads or post by Trustinyourself, Owl and Lakesidedreamer will be of help to you. Keep posting, there is lots of wisdom here. Link to post Share on other sites
dead-dyke Posted July 5, 2009 Share Posted July 5, 2009 I seem to be in the process right now. Yes, TIY has a LOT of experience w/ this. I can tell you, it is (at least for me) an extremely s-l-o-w process, w/ lots of questioning going on in my end. Meaning, is this all worth it. Sometimes I think just start again w/ someone new, and others, I think this is what I signed up for a long time ago. I am honestly surprised that this has happened to me. It was off the wall circumstances that has lead to this. Once the divorce was finalized, I had resigned myself to moving forward w/out her. It's not a success story, as it's still early, but I can tell you we see & talk to each other every single day. I'll let you know if we're still together years from now. But my guard (and hers) is very much up. I've sworn that I would never let myself get that hurt again. So if she one day decided to walk away again, I THINK I'm ready. It happens. But like you've read, I'm sure here & other places, not until you truly, and honestly get you together and back in good mental shape. I wish you luck in your future. I hope it works out the way you'd like it to. Link to post Share on other sites
Custody-Won Posted July 5, 2009 Share Posted July 5, 2009 Is she interested in making up with you ? Would you be able to go back to a relationship with her after she divorces you ? Link to post Share on other sites
PWSX3 Posted July 6, 2009 Share Posted July 6, 2009 Is she interested in making up with you ? Would you be able to go back to a relationship with her after she divorces you ? The biggest thing is you don't want to go back to what was....That didn't work, so it has to be different & it has to be better or it's not worth going back for...... Link to post Share on other sites
dead-dyke Posted July 6, 2009 Share Posted July 6, 2009 The biggest thing is you don't want to go back to what was....That didn't work, so it has to be different & it has to be better or it's not worth going back for...... Couldn't echo these words any louder.... Link to post Share on other sites
Author myway4077 Posted July 7, 2009 Author Share Posted July 7, 2009 I have been working on myself. We spoke today and i understand a little more where she is coming from. She gave everything to our relationship and didn't receive the same in return. So know she needs to find out who she is as a woman. I believe with all my heart that we both needed this space. We were not happy at least i know i was looking for happiness in the wrong places. Its so crazy when you are looking for something that was right in front of you all the time. I've been told that i need to step back and just live my life and if she loves you she will come back. I dont know if a year is a long time or no time at all, but it feel like eternity to me. She tells me she love the fact that i take the kids for a couple of days it give her time to think. I like the fact that am giving her time to think, but when i ask her if she is thinking about us and what we are going through she said NO. Sorry for being all over the place but am just writing whatever comes to my mind. I feel in my heart that if i do the right things i will get her back, but how knows. Please keep the input come like i said am willing to do whatever it takes. Link to post Share on other sites
Author myway4077 Posted July 7, 2009 Author Share Posted July 7, 2009 Thank you, i will keep posting. Link to post Share on other sites
Author myway4077 Posted July 7, 2009 Author Share Posted July 7, 2009 Yes i would love a relationship with her, its funny but i deserve this wake up call. She says she doesn't see us getting back together. I know what all of you are going to say, its time to move on. But i don't want my kids to grow up products of a broken home and also all those years i was being selfish to my wife she fought for me to change, so why should i not fight for her. I feel its my turn to fight for her love. Link to post Share on other sites
Author myway4077 Posted July 7, 2009 Author Share Posted July 7, 2009 It has to be different and i know for a fact that what am willing to do for the relationship it will be better,Pwsx. dead-dyke is over between you guys or are you fighting the good fight? Link to post Share on other sites
LisaUk Posted July 7, 2009 Share Posted July 7, 2009 Yes i would love a relationship with her, its funny but i deserve this wake up call. She says she doesn't see us getting back together. I know what all of you are going to say, its time to move on. But i don't want my kids to grow up products of a broken home and also all those years i was being selfish to my wife she fought for me to change, so why should i not fight for her. I feel its my turn to fight for her love. A book that I have seen recommended on here is "Divorce Busting", I've only had a look at the first chapter which is available free online, just google it. A lot of what is said rings true to your wife fighting for years, she touches on it in the first chapter or in one of the articles on her site I think. (Sorry I can't remember where I read it exactly, I have done a lot of reading of late). May well be worth a look. Link to post Share on other sites
tojaz Posted July 7, 2009 Share Posted July 7, 2009 Yes i would love a relationship with her, its funny but i deserve this wake up call. She says she doesn't see us getting back together. I know what all of you are going to say, its time to move on. But i don't want my kids to grow up products of a broken home and also all those years i was being selfish to my wife she fought for me to change, so why should i not fight for her. I feel its my turn to fight for her love. She dosen't want you to fight for her. Doing anything in that regard is just going to push her farther away. Find the changes you need to make, make them for yourself and your kids. If she likes what she sees she may come back, if not then you have changed for the better and are better prpared for the next relationship. If you can cope well, then so will the kids. TOJAZ Link to post Share on other sites
PWSX3 Posted July 7, 2009 Share Posted July 7, 2009 It has to be different and i know for a fact that what am willing to do for the relationship it will be better,Pwsx. dead-dyke is over between you guys or are you fighting the good fight? For me it is over, I was divorced in April, but I feel I did everything I could have done to save the marriage......It takes two people & when the other person isn't interested then there isn't much you can do. I do feel she is having second thoughts but I haven't seen any changes in her, she is still the same person. She did finally admit that it wasn't all my fault that she knows she had a part in the bad marriage. Changes take time, it is SO easy to fall back into the old ways. Link to post Share on other sites
impreza Posted July 7, 2009 Share Posted July 7, 2009 I have been working on myself. We spoke today and i understand a little more where she is coming from. She gave everything to our relationship and didn't receive the same in return. So know she needs to find out who she is as a woman. She tells me she love the fact that i take the kids for a couple of days it give her time to think. She talks to you about it and that means you have a chance. So, keep trying, take it nice and slow, and you will see the results. Good luck! Link to post Share on other sites
dead-dyke Posted July 8, 2009 Share Posted July 8, 2009 myway4077 - 'dead-dyke is over between you guys or are you fighting the good fight?' No, it's not over - it's getting fired up again. Starting fresh - but proceeding cautiously. She has expressed to me that she made some foolish decisions, and has to live w/ the way people look at her now. She wants a reconnection. But I was no angel either. I'm like you........ I finally recognized that if this didn't happen to me, things would have been a lot worse. At the time, initially when the separation happened, I would say she really screwed me over. It took me a considerable amount of time to really realize what my part was in this. I didn't realize how much I was screwing her over before separation. The blinders came off, and I started taking stock in myself. Not saying that I still wasn't upset at her not even trying, but it was probably because she didn't try, that made me seriously think about it. I gave up on the thought of reconciliation, especially after the divorce was finalized about 14 months later. Yep. Still a little peeved she didn't want to try, but I accepted it. I would have never guessed a little more than 3 months later, a family situation came up, and brought us to cross paths again. And then it started. More and more talking, hanging out, and discusssion about each others roll in this, and still steadily getting closer to each other. Tojaz said this - She dosen't want you to fight for her. Doing anything in that regard is just going to push her farther away. Very, very true. In the beginning I only drove her further away into someone else. On a side note though.... if we split again, I know now what not to do. But so far, we're both trying now. I personally think in hindsight, the long separation was needed to wipe the slate clean, so as to move past this. Link to post Share on other sites
tojaz Posted July 8, 2009 Share Posted July 8, 2009 Dead-Dyke, I don't want to hijack here, but I will, it is looking like my divorce is going to go through as well, despite all my best but misguided efforts. Was wondering, did you both remain friends after the divorce to come back together or was it the family situation alone that brought you back together? The wife says she wants to be friends and I've been trying to figure out if i could handle that or not. Our divorce has moved very very fast without much help from her to try and work it out. Just want to weigh my chances of reconcilliation post divorce. TOJAZ Link to post Share on other sites
dead-dyke Posted July 8, 2009 Share Posted July 8, 2009 Dead-Dyke, I don't want to hijack here, -Just want to weigh my chances of reconcilliation post divorce. TOJAZ Tojaz, I don't think you are any different than anyone else reading a thread like this. I was like that as well. As far as remaining friends - Well, let me say this. Naturally after we broke up, there was a LOT of anger at my end. She was angry too, but she was only concerned about her new life at the time. About 6 months post break up, I went off the radar for about six months. Didn't (tried not to, anyway) even ask about her. The following June, I called her to say if she wanted the divorce, to not expect me to pay for it. That was on her. But after the obvious awkwardness, we caught up w/ each other on the phone, and she actually seemed happy to hear from me. (let me say we have no children, so I was able to not contact her) We would talk every once in a while, she was stalling on dropping the papers off for divorce, which I thought she was reconsidering. I was only wanting to see if she was going to s**t or get off the pot. Well, got the papers in late August early Sept. I guess I was still hoping things would turn around, and lo and behold Oct. rolls around. Got the 'no longer married' to each other letter in the mail which felt weird. I didn't cry, but I was upset, and I can't stress enough the weird feeling. Almost numb. After that the idea of reconciliation was history. Talked a few more times on the phone, got into a tiff w/ her mid Dec., and told her to never contact me again. My mom got sick in Feb., and I wrestled w/ the idea of should I tell her, as her and my mom were pretty tight. I called her at work and told her, and she was very, very helpful. We hadn't seen each other physically since she dropped off the D papers the previous summer. Once we were in each others presence you could tell there was this connection. Like no matter what, we would always be friendly to each other...... like no hate, I guess you could say. So after everything was back to normal w/ my mom and dad, she started calling more, and dropping by, which she never, ever used to do. And it's been progressing from that point to now with steady dose of each other in our lives everyday. I think it was a fluke that made me have to call her. But that's what got the ball rolling. Never, never would have expected that. Like they say I guess, not until they feel you are over them, (honestly) that they will come back. I'm not trying to make people think that reconciliation will happen, but I think it happens more often than not. It just seems like the end of the world at the time. It will always be a fight to make a relationship work, and nothing seems to be forever. I mean, don't chalk me up to success.... not yet, anyway. Like I said earlier I'll let you know years from now. Also what PWSX3 said is true, it's so easy to fall into the same habits. If you get the chance, really try not to. But it ended for a reason, and this is why we start fresh. Get the past out of your head. If it has any chance of fixing itself, the past needs to be moved passed, and not bring up what happened. Easier said than done, but keep mindful. If your wife wants to be friends, you need to heal yourself from the hurt to be honest about it. Anything before that will just be a facade. Always stay friendly, though. I hoped beyond hope, and it wasn't until after indifference set in that it happened. Sorry about the long assed story. Link to post Share on other sites
tojaz Posted July 8, 2009 Share Posted July 8, 2009 Thanks for your story Dead-Dyke, it helps. Link to post Share on other sites
TrustInYourself Posted July 9, 2009 Share Posted July 9, 2009 I cannot make any type of suggestion based on what you have provided, unless I make some inferences based on your posts. I reconciled my marriage after a 6 month separation. It only worked, because I was not trying to get my marriage back, I was trying to reclaim myself. My wife and I realized that things had to change for both of us to remain happily married. There is more effort in marriage than being single. When she decided to tell me she was moving out, I was angry, sad, disappointed, confused, and alarmed. She hid her plans from me. I pleaded and demanded for her to change her mind, to give me another chance. I told her she was wrong. After neglecting her for so long, that didn't matter. She was absolutely done with the marriage. She got her own place, told me it was over. Told me all the revisionist stuff, about how our marriage and relationship was always bad. She told me everything that was wrong with me. She mentioned every fault that I have and all the reasons why I was to blame for our marriage ending. So what turned it around? How do you go from no love at all, to remembering why it may be worth another shot. It took 4 months of hard work. Of focusing on myself and my faults, regardless of her contributions to the end, I worked on what I could control. I focused on learning what it meant to be a good husband, something no one knows how to do. We all learn by the example of experience, from our parents, from what we see. You're going to have to do more than just copy the examples in your life that you know. I did some research, worked hard on my faults in the marriage, worked hard on myself, worked harder on getting over the pain and sadness. LS pretty much saved me, gave me focus, provided me an outlet for my trials and tribulations. The community allowed me to vent and cry while implementing a plan to reclaim my life, not my marriage. That's the major issue here. This is not about your marriage. Nothing comes from working on your marriage. Real change starts with yourself. After that it's in your wife's hands on if and when she will take you back. It depends on whether or not she is worth your efforts. You work hard enough on being a better person, it's hard for the other person to ignore. That's the key. It's not about asking for another chance, or banging on her door late at night, or texting her silly little notes. That comes after. Right now, this is about real, measurable change that doesn't have anything to do with her or your situaton or your marriage. So what is she thinking about when you have the kids? She's thinking about life without you. It's not ideal, but it's probably more ideal than what she's faced being your wife. She's not ready to jump back into a marriage where she's faced with carrying the burden of love in the marriage. Why would she want to depress herself thinking about being your wife? You pretty much neglected her forever. You did not know how to communicate with her or show her love in way that was meaningful to her. You were and still are confused about how to show your feelings for her without worrying about the consequences. You just don't spit out what you want and pray that she buys into it. You have to take real steps to change and you have to play the game. The game of attraction. It's a game that people sometimes do not know how to play, refuse to play, or just become to complacent to apply. It's the same game that brought you two together in the first place. It's the same game that made you the most irresistable man on the planet. So now what? What is the plan? It's been a year! That's an eternity. A day is an eternity for some of us. What have you done in this time? It's a matter of acceptance first. You have to be real with yourself. You have to truly be ready to commit to yourself, even if that means giving up on your marriage. Are you ready to move forward and prove to yourself that you can live without her? Prove that to yourself. Once you can face this situation with indifference, acceptance, and love regardless of the outcome are you equipped to reconcile. That's when you can start proving that you bring more to your family's life than any other man ever could. That burden is yours, if you choose to accept it. Do not think that it's easier reconciling with your wife. You are asking for more hardship than you will ever face starting over with someone new or staying single. Marriage is about evolving and changing, while remembering why we love our spouses. It's a process that never ends. Link to post Share on other sites
Gunny376 Posted July 9, 2009 Share Posted July 9, 2009 I cannot make any type of suggestion based on what you have provided, unless I make some inferences based on your posts. I reconciled my marriage after a 6 month separation. It only worked, because I was not trying to get my marriage back, I was trying to reclaim myself. My wife and I realized that things had to change for both of us to remain happily married. There is more effort in marriage than being single. When she decided to tell me she was moving out, I was angry, sad, disappointed, confused, and alarmed. She hid her plans from me. I pleaded and demanded for her to change her mind, to give me another chance. I told her she was wrong. After neglecting her for so long, that didn't matter. She was absolutely done with the marriage. She got her own place, told me it was over. Told me all the revisionist stuff, about how our marriage and relationship was always bad. She told me everything that was wrong with me. She mentioned every fault that I have and all the reasons why I was to blame for our marriage ending. So what turned it around? How do you go from no love at all, to remembering why it may be worth another shot. It took 4 months of hard work. Of focusing on myself and my faults, regardless of her contributions to the end, I worked on what I could control. I focused on learning what it meant to be a good husband, something no one knows how to do. We all learn by the example of experience, from our parents, from what we see. You're going to have to do more than just copy the examples in your life that you know. I did some research, worked hard on my faults in the marriage, worked hard on myself, worked harder on getting over the pain and sadness. LS pretty much saved me, gave me focus, provided me an outlet for my trials and tribulations. The community allowed me to vent and cry while implementing a plan to reclaim my life, not my marriage. That's the major issue here. This is not about your marriage. Nothing comes from working on your marriage. Real change starts with yourself. After that it's in your wife's hands on if and when she will take you back. It depends on whether or not she is worth your efforts. You work hard enough on being a better person, it's hard for the other person to ignore. That's the key. It's not about asking for another chance, or banging on her door late at night, or texting her silly little notes. That comes after. Right now, this is about real, measurable change that doesn't have anything to do with her or your situaton or your marriage. So what is she thinking about when you have the kids? She's thinking about life without you. It's not ideal, but it's probably more ideal than what she's faced being your wife. She's not ready to jump back into a marriage where she's faced with carrying the burden of love in the marriage. Why would she want to depress herself thinking about being your wife? You pretty much neglected her forever. You did not know how to communicate with her or show her love in way that was meaningful to her. You were and still are confused about how to show your feelings for her without worrying about the consequences. You just don't spit out what you want and pray that she buys into it. You have to take real steps to change and you have to play the game. The game of attraction. It's a game that people sometimes do not know how to play, refuse to play, or just become to complacent to apply. It's the same game that brought you two together in the first place. It's the same game that made you the most irresistable man on the planet. So now what? What is the plan? It's been a year! That's an eternity. A day is an eternity for some of us. What have you done in this time? It's a matter of acceptance first. You have to be real with yourself. You have to truly be ready to commit to yourself, even if that means giving up on your marriage. Are you ready to move forward and prove to yourself that you can live without her? Prove that to yourself. Once you can face this situation with indifference, acceptance, and love regardless of the outcome are you equipped to reconcile. That's when you can start proving that you bring more to your family's life than any other man ever could. That burden is yours, if you choose to accept it. Do not think that it's easier reconciling with your wife. You are asking for more hardship than you will ever face starting over with someone new or staying single. Marriage is about evolving and changing, while remembering why we love our spouses. It's a process that never ends. Why does this sound oddly familiar? Link to post Share on other sites
snoopy girl Posted July 9, 2009 Share Posted July 9, 2009 Yes i would love a relationship with her, its funny but i deserve this wake up call. She says she doesn't see us getting back together. I know what all of you are going to say, its time to move on. But i don't want my kids to grow up products of a broken home and also all those years i was being selfish to my wife she fought for me to change, so why should i not fight for her. I feel its my turn to fight for her love. i feel for you myway4077, i know you love her and would do anything to get her back, you say you have made mistakes, i hope it was not with other women..... wives can handle anything but if its other women, its a different story..but if it is just everyday stuff, the little stuff that wives can't handle, it adds up to a real big thing...stresssss..... some wives just can't handle that.. they runaway. life without stress is great...but if it is the other women, that is a hurt that cant be forgotten, but can be forgiven...start slow and ask her on a date, let her see the man you can be for her. good luck Link to post Share on other sites
Chrome Barracuda Posted July 9, 2009 Share Posted July 9, 2009 Not every marriage is saveable... Not every marriage can be saved. it takes two willing partners to work to save it. Link to post Share on other sites
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