dkny27 Posted July 5, 2009 Share Posted July 5, 2009 I have been with my bf on and off for almost 2 years...more on than off but he's a heroin addict. He has been to rehab and detox numerous times. About this time last summer we had just moved into a new apartment...come to find out he relapsed and emptied my checking account by forging checks and my signature. I pressed charges and to make a long story short he ended up having to go to court. Since it was his first time being in trouble with the law, they gave him the option (with my help) to go into a program and have to complete it, then have drug tests and be on probation for 18 months. All the charges were continued without a finding and as long as he stayed clean...he could get a fresh start with no felonies on his record. fast forward to a few weeks ago. He got kicked out of his program around march but not for using..just cause he really wasn't getting along with the head and a few counslers and his po oked it for him to move into a sober living community instead. He was doing great...7 months clean. It was the longest he had gone conseculatvly without a relapse....until a few weeks ago. He didn't even tell me he ahd court. I realy hate that even with the jail time and felonies that he couldn't stay clean. I wished, hoped, prayed, tried to keep the faith that this time he was really gonna be able to do this. It really hurts because besides his disease he is a great person...just caught up in a bad thing. I hate heroin. I don't know who invented Oxy's and thought that they were safe cause I have so many friends that went that route and when they couldn't afford oxy they switched to heroin. I love my ex very much but I can't keep going on like this. I want more out of my life. I guess it is better to have loved and lost then to not have loved at all. I think about him everyday and part of me wants to mail him a letter while he's sitting in jail waiting for his next court date...but i know if we have contact he's just gonna suck me back into this life. He can't call me cause I only have cell phone. No contact is the only thing making me able to be that much stonger to walk away. i mean I am 31 and he's 30 and he had this great chance to turn it all around...and now he's in jail and who knows for how long. Even with all this over his head he couldn't do it and I can't keep living my life constantly wondering if what he says is true or lies, if hes clean or if hes using because he's really good at hiding it. It takes me about 2-3 months of him using for me to notice cause he can function like a normal person. I guess I just needed to vent. I don't have a lot of people i can talk to about this situation and I know I should walk away...but it's so dam hard. Link to post Share on other sites
Barby Posted July 5, 2009 Share Posted July 5, 2009 I myself am a recovering crack/oxy addict and I was a user (mainly crack/coke) for nearly 7 years. I went through soooooo much and put my family and loved ones through soooooooo much. Every time I swore, promised, cried, and whole heartedly told them that I wanted to get clean...that this was the last time..ect...ect. I meant it with my whole heart and soul...at that moment. I loved my family more than I can describe but for some reason I seemed to like the drugs better...now when I tried to rationalize I didn't see it that way...in fact I thought that my family was the most important thing in my life...but sadly my addiction had my actions proving otherwise. I tried and tried and managed at one point to be sober for a little over a year with no rehab..just the love and support of my family and fiance. Sadly I relapsed and ended up in legal trouble due to my getting involved in a large federal drug trafficking ring...I made myself believed that I was just dealing and it was "no big deal" Long story short (or at least a little shorter) I ended up doing 4 years in federal prison and since have been out and finally clean and sober. Where I am going with this is............. My family never gave up on me and neither did my fiance...I'm finally clean and sober and doing fed time was the best thing that could have happened to me...maybe he needs to sit this out and a letter from you could be just exactly what he needs. My family spent a lot of time beating themselves up for enabling me...but guess what...if they would have given up on me I could have ended up in the streets or worse....my point is...if he's a good guy other than his addiction sometimes giving him a helping hand over and over again and loving him from a distance while being his friend at his lowest time may be the best thing you could do for him.... It may not be easy but it may be worth it! Link to post Share on other sites
Author dkny27 Posted July 5, 2009 Author Share Posted July 5, 2009 I do love him and I don't want to give up on him. It's just after all the lies and all violations of trust that have occured...I never know if anything he says to me is ture. Is he just with me because I always bail him out...or does he really love me? I just don't know. he has stolen all kinds of things from me, cleaned out my checking account ect. I know that this was when he was high...but don't u know the difference between right and wrong? Link to post Share on other sites
Barby Posted July 5, 2009 Share Posted July 5, 2009 but don't u know the difference between right and wrong? Of course...even being high one knows the difference between right and wrong....the judgement is highly impaired (it's scientifically proven) and seriously all you can really see if getting that next high.... I also understand that he's done sooooooooo many things to undermine his credibility (sp?) and you can't know his sincerity....only he and God truly know what he's feeling, ect. All I can say is that you should follow your heart but keep your eyes open...never again give him access to your account information or anything of value....I mean joint checking and sharing is normal....however a drug addict can't neccesarily handle and/or maybe shouldn't really be in the position of handling funds that affect other people (ie your bill money, ect)... Anyway I'm just a recovered/recovering addict giving your my perspective from the other side....what you should or shouldn't do only you can decide and basically you should just follow what your heart tells you too. Good luck..hopefully this will be enough for him to turn around. Link to post Share on other sites
Author dkny27 Posted July 6, 2009 Author Share Posted July 6, 2009 He always tells me I will never understand what he goes through because I haven't been there. I am always trying to get him to include me in his recover process. I tell him he can come talk to me anytime. I have been to NA meetings with him because I am proud of him and want to give him as much support as possible. He dosen't let me in though. This last relapse he thought I would be mad at him and thats why he went behind my back to hide it. I wish he would have told me. I know relapse is part of recovery. I would have went to court with him and even though I might have been dissapointed, but I still would have given him my support. I am sure it's worse of a feeling for him amways. It's so hard because I know he wants to be clean but he keeps loosing his way. He was doing so good this time and now he's in jail....which I know he was afraid of having to go there. He may act tough sometimes but he is not someone that belongs behind bars. I am going to write him a letter because I know that he can't call anyone...no one is talking to him from his family and everyone else has cell phones. He can't even call his 10yr old son, so he must be feeling pretty low right now. He didn't have access to my bank account...he found my re-fill checks in my desk and stole some out of the back of the book so I wouldn't notice. I would never give him access to my accounts. Link to post Share on other sites
mark982 Posted July 7, 2009 Share Posted July 7, 2009 you can't force something on someone, until they want it so bad that being clean is all they want. it's tuff to watch someone distroy themselves, i watched my younger brother literally drink himself to death.all you can do is be there for him--if you can handle the bumpy ride. Link to post Share on other sites
Author dkny27 Posted July 9, 2009 Author Share Posted July 9, 2009 So I was thinking about going to visit bf in jail Tuesday. Someone on another site I am on had this to say to me: "Is this the same guy who stole money and your car? Is this the same guy that you got a restraining order on? Is this the same guy who told you lies to cover up lies? Is this the same guy you have been sending money, food and boots to? Is this the same guy who has an ex with another child he he not supporting who also had/ has some sort of relationship with a girl he met in rehab? And now he's back in jail and probably feeling a little blue cause he's not the kind of guy who does well facing the consequeunces of his choices and behavior. Relapse is a part of addiction, not recovery. He's not done with drugs, yet. Going to see him in jail has a lot more to do with you, and your own needs than it has anything to do with him. You deserve to treat yourself better than you have been doing." I don't know anymore. I didn't go visit him. I want to support him but at the same time I don't wanna live like this anymore. Link to post Share on other sites
Author dkny27 Posted July 9, 2009 Author Share Posted July 9, 2009 well I just found out bf is seeing another girl...and didn't even have the blls to break up with me. I'm really felling pretty low right now. Link to post Share on other sites
mark982 Posted July 11, 2009 Share Posted July 11, 2009 well i guess you know the answer to going and visiting him, and sending money too. Link to post Share on other sites
Author dkny27 Posted July 11, 2009 Author Share Posted July 11, 2009 so I know this girls name and I went on facebook...her page was public and they have been going out for more than 3 months! It was all on her page the whole time. He left the sober house and moved in with her on April 28th and this whole time was pretending to be my boyfriend. He was driving my car and I was giving him $ for food because after child support and rent @ the sober house he didn't have enough left over for food. He even brought her to my house about 3 weeks ago. I gave him an extra a/c I had cause he didn't have one. He even talked about this girl as his "friend" all the time. He met her in his program and she relapsed a few months ago and almost died. If her roomate hadn't have come home she would have been dead. How can someone be so heartless. He stayed over my house with his son and we have spent time together after he had already been living with this girl. And here I felt sorry that he relapsed and thought it was my fault cause we had been fighting. Our main fight was that he wasn't treating me like a gf and now it all makes sense. I am so upset i don't even know what to do. I don't understand how someone could do this to another person. I am so stupid. Everyone told me to stay away...but I kept going back for more. when she was at my house I even asked him if something was going on with them and he was like no I love you, I wanna be with you. I would never cheat on you and for some reason no matter how many lies he told me in the past I always though he would never cheat. My last relationship ended the same way. I just wanna crawl in a hole in die right now. Link to post Share on other sites
northstar1 Posted July 11, 2009 Share Posted July 11, 2009 so I know this girls name and I went on facebook...her page was public and they have been going out for more than 3 months! It was all on her page the whole time. He left the sober house and moved in with her on April 28th and this whole time was pretending to be my boyfriend. He was driving my car and I was giving him $ for food because after child support and rent @ the sober house he didn't have enough left over for food. He even brought her to my house about 3 weeks ago. I gave him an extra a/c I had cause he didn't have one. He even talked about this girl as his "friend" all the time. He met her in his program and she relapsed a few months ago and almost died. If her roomate hadn't have come home she would have been dead. How can someone be so heartless. He stayed over my house with his son and we have spent time together after he had already been living with this girl. And here I felt sorry that he relapsed and thought it was my fault cause we had been fighting. Our main fight was that he wasn't treating me like a gf and now it all makes sense. I am so upset i don't even know what to do. I don't understand how someone could do this to another person. I am so stupid. Everyone told me to stay away...but I kept going back for more. when she was at my house I even asked him if something was going on with them and he was like no I love you, I wanna be with you. I would never cheat on you and for some reason no matter how many lies he told me in the past I always though he would never cheat. My last relationship ended the same way. I just wanna crawl in a hole in die right now. I know it is awful right now to go through it, but at the end of the tunnel, you will see that this was the best thing for you. He is a leech and will poison your life if he is in it. Use the opportunity to get far away for good Link to post Share on other sites
Author dkny27 Posted July 11, 2009 Author Share Posted July 11, 2009 I know. I am kinda glad her profile was public cause as hard as it was to see it all...I finally know the truth. Link to post Share on other sites
NotSoSmiley Posted August 5, 2009 Share Posted August 5, 2009 Sweetie-my ex did the same thing to me. Was using oxys/perks and drinking and sleeping with the cleaning girl....for months. Then, he asked me to move in (which, thank G-d I didn't) and he found himself another woman to live with. I have been reading your posts and you have always taken him back. Now, you need to focus on yourself. He is a mess-it will not work out with this "girlfriend" but that is irrelevant. This man is not part of your future. Seriously, the best thing you can do for you is NO CONTACT-no texts, no calls, no dropping items off. Anything you have of his-throw it away. And anything he may have of yours, considered it gone. Nothing is that important. Avoid going to places where he might be and don't go to the new gf's facebook page anymore. Lastly, start counseling. You need to work on you so that way when he comes back (b/c they all do) you can slam the door in his face. You deserve MUCH Better! Link to post Share on other sites
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