Thinking of breaking off my LDR

[Decembergirl]

Hi, All,

 

I'm new here, but have been lurking for a few months now. I'm in a very complicated situation and though I love my boyfriend, things have gotten so difficult that I'm considering calling it quits. A little history is in order. I first met M. four years ago (in an online classroom) and then we met in person two years later. I was separated at the time, but decided to go back and try to make my marriage work. In the meantime, M., having been a good friend before, returned to being my friend and nothing more. Earlier this year my marriage ended, and so M. and I decided to finally give our relationship a shot (though we live about 9 hours away from each other).

 

Here's where it all goes nuts. He had an accident that makes it painful for him to speak (I know this sounds made up, but it's true)--he broke some teeth and is having some extensive work done. I told him not to try calling because I don't want to cause him more pain than he's already in. So we've decided to go with emails.

 

The problem is--his emails are so few and far between (and this has been going on for two months now) that I'm beginning to feel like I'm not very important to him. I understand he's gone through a lot, and that he's working hard to make sure he can pay his dental bills (he's self-employed and the dental bills are a huge concern).

 

I care about him so much, but my best friend says he's a loser and I should dump him. I told her I disagree, that he's in no way a loser. But I do still feel ignored. It's a fairly new relationship really, and yet I don't feel special. Even if I were having a lot of difficulties--if our situations were reversed--I know I'd try to keep the lines of communication open. My relationship would be a top priority. I don't want to give up on him, but I'm feeling like I'm doing all the work to keep us together. Then I think of all he's gone through (and is still going through--the dental work is going to continue for a while yet) and it makes me feel selfish. But how do I continue in a relationship when the man I'm "seeing" makes so little effort to maintain contact? I'm not asking for much. How difficult would it be to type a quick "I'm still here; I miss you" when he's in his office? He has contact with clients, yet not with me. It isn't making sense.

 

He's a good guy--or at least I've always believed so--and has been a great friend to me for years. It's just maybe not going to work as a love relationship. Am I expecting too much from him considering all he's been through? I've been patient and supportive, but it's starting to seem like this is simply the way our relationship is going to be. And a sporadic email here and there just doesn't work for me.

 

I'm confused and more than a little heartbroken. I don't want to add to his difficulties, but maybe this isn't meant to be. Thanks for listening. I've just been such a mess over this.

[sugarmomma]

Stop making excuses for him. He is not making you feel special so that means you're not that special to him.

 

When a man wants a woman, she doesn't have any doubts about it and the fact that you have doubts says that you need to let this r die out.

 

Sorry but there are plenty of fish in the sea. Why do you have to have one 9 hours away?

[Island Girl]

Isn't tooth pain the absolute worst! I mean one toothache and I get absolutely crabby - don't want to talk or eat or drink anything - CAN'T sleep unless I have major pain pills.

 

I have only had two "extensive" mouth surgeries. One when I had my wisdom teeth pulled and the other was a deep cleaning.

So as far as what your boyfriend is going through I wouldn't think it compares at all.

I was MISERABLE. I took percocet to sleep and I wished I could sleep every moment away in a drug induced state.

 

He has been a good friend to you for years - YEARS - and he now has had a horrible accident that requires ongoing treatment.

 

He probably can't take pain medication while he is trying to make sure he keeps his business going to pay those dental bills.

So then when he does get the chance he loads up to make the pain go away.

Ever try to do anything like write a letter or e-mail while on heavy pain meds? Yeah - it is pretty near impossible. Incoherent statements, inability to convey thoughts, etc.

 

Good for him that he is working to try to stay on top of the bills (responsible is good).

 

You say you know it is painful for him to talk - so severely that you have requested he not talk to you on the phone for the time being - do you think the pain isn't there as long as he isn't talking? Because that is craziness.

 

The worst thing is being sick and being all alone.

When you'd like a glass of water you have to weigh weather it is worth it to get up and get it while you feel like crap (and moving will make you feel crappier).

And there can't be much he can eat.

 

He is going through severe circumstances. Shouldn't a girlfriend who cares about him be a bit selfless right now and more understanding?

 

You say if the situation was reversed you'd make him and the relationship the priority. I think your first priority would be the amount of constant pain you are in - the stress of dental bills that you do not want to haunt your life with your loved one - and you would want your significant other to convey how cared about you are not make demands about how you aren't doing enough or telling you it's over and walking out on you.

[torranceshipman]

This sounds very very questionable! Excuse my ignorance of dental conditions, but seriously, he has been unable to speak on the phone for 2 months now? Are you sure? And he can only manage short 'hi how you doin' type emails over these last few weeks instead?

 

It sounds like he's not so interested anymore - if he's not making you feel special, then that is because he is not head over heels for you, and doesn't want to go out of his way to make you feel that way. In fact, in the cold hard light of day, you live 9hrs away from eachother, and you communicate via short emails. Doesn't sound like a great R - sounds more like a friendship.

 

I'd start dating other people...

[ratingsguy]

The way I view this is that if he has time to devote to his business, how hard is spending a few moments of day communicating with you? Yes, I understand that keeping the business going is important in order to make money and put food on the table, but aren't matters of the heart just as important, if not moreso?

 

If talking is physically painful for him, I think you could communicate reasonably well via instant message on AOL or Facebook or something like that. Would this also present a problem for him?

 

What I'm gathering is that there may be some confusion between you and him as to where you stand (or stood) as far as your relationship goes. Is this an actual relationship? If I were to pull aside your SO would he tell me this is a friendship? No disrespect is intended, but this wouldn't be the first time I've heard the women say that she's in a relationship with her SO, and the SO's response is, "We are?"

 

One question - Why does your best friend think this guy is a loser?

[Island Girl]

While I understand the point that others are making here I obviously have a different view.

 

Perhaps this comes from experience with a situation that was a bit similar.

My husband was attacked with a machete one day on the street when he was in town.

He had both of his wrists sliced and lost a lot of blood.

He had just one surgery where they fused his right wrist due to severed ligaments they did not have the ability to repair.

 

The first few days he was in the hospital. Then he was sent home with pain meds.

When he was on his pain meds, his spirits were better but he was relatively incoherent.

When he wasn't on pain meds any amount of conversation other that "I love you and I hope you feel better" was unproductive. He was short and REALLY cranky. His frustration would come out in his voice and we had some pretty bad conversations.

 

This went on for about 6 to 8 weeks after the surgery before there was marked improvement.

So roughly two months.

 

If he had to have more procedures done during that time I know it just would have prolonged the same circumstances.

 

And my hubby didn't have to get up, get going, and try to maintain a business at the same time.

[Decembergirl]

Thanks, Island Girl, and all. My original thought was more along the lines of how you're thinking, IG. I mean, he's been my friend for so long. I've never known him to be unkind. I have to admit that I started to get confused when I mentioned the ongoing non-communication to a couple of friends and immediately got hit with, "He must not care." Sometimes I think maybe it's just best not to put stuff out there on the table with close friends. They tend to be very protective, and that makes them say things like, "He's a loser." Anyway, I keep thinking that what I really need to do is what I'd be doing if he weren't in such pain--talking to HIM about it. I appreciate all the insights very much. Thanks!

[Decembergirl]

ratingsguy,

 

My best friend thinks he's a loser because she thinks anyone who doesn't treat me the way she thinks I should be treated is a terrible person. I told her she's absolutely wrong in this case.

 

As far as "is this a real relationship" or am I confusing friendship--he's the one who told me he was in love with me and wanted us to be together. Of course, this was before he had his accident, etc. So I don't believe I'm confused, nope.

[Els]

Sorry but there are plenty of fish in the sea. Why do you have to have one 9 hours away?

 

Okay, I don't get why people come to the LDR forums and ask this, I really don't. Nor do I get this mentality. There are plenty of fish in the sea, why do you have to choose one who's in the military? Or who has a disability that he'll have to live with the rest of his life? Or who has a mother with cancer that he'll need to spend most of his money on? And on and on...

 

Isn't the answer obvious, because our love for them is greater than the problems? How is it love when it should only be given in perfect circumstances and no hardship?

 

Sorry to go off-topic. Anyway, OP, I agree with what IG says; on the other hand, you could try some other things. Video so that you can see him even if he isn't talking, perhaps. But definitely, give him some time, he's in trouble now, this isn't the best time to be gauging whether he's INTO you or not. Wait and see what happens when he's recovered, at least.

[bean1]

I think it is important to consider the difference between men and women here. When women are under pressure, they reach out to others, talk, chat, gossip, whatever. They seek closeness. They don't perceive it as being a "failure" to need outside support. Men tend to withdraw and try and deal with issues on their own - in a way, needing outside support makes them feel like failures.

 

Like IG, I am in a very good relationship (not LDR). Even though we have great partners, there ARE times where even our near-perfect men "withdraw" during their own crisis. Part of being a successful supportive female partner is to recognize those times - and allow the man the space he needs, rather than support (cling) to him like you would with a female friend.

 

Whether or not this is an acceptable circumstance to you is totally up to you. I, personally, would call it quits. Others, like IG, probably would not.

 

What we think doesn't really matter - is this something YOU are willing to accept and work through?

[Island Girl]

Today I read through a thread about an overlooked birthday and for some reason I thought of your boyfriend and his accident.

I realized that if I was hurting like that I'd be really hurt and upset if my husband didn't make some effort to show me he was empathizing and thinking of me in some special way.

 

Decembergirl, have you done anything demonstrative for him since this accident?

 

A card or a care package, etc.?

 

I just didn't see you write anything about how you have extended yourself and done anything significant to show how much you care about him since the accident.

 

 

 

[Decembergirl]

Hi, Island Girl,

 

Yes. I've sent him a package with photos, a note, and also a story I'd critiqued for him a while back (with my chicken scratch notes all over it). This may not seem romantic to some, but we're both writers and it's a personal thing. We read and review story drafts for each other, have dedicated stories to each other, etc. Also, I've continued to send him emails (because he says they're the one bright spot in his life right now), even though I rarely hear from him.

 

I also spent a long, long time writing him an email telling him I'm here for him, no matter what time of day or night. He knows--because I've told him--that if he needs space I'll give him that. But he says he doesn't want that, and that he'd miss me terribly.

 

I've decided not to end it, but to wait it out and see what happens. Because I can't imagine my life without him.

[Decembergirl]

Elswyth,

 

I agree about the fish in the sea thing. I mean, if I'd had a real choice who I fell in love with--but that's not the way love is. And there is simply no one else who compares to this man.

 

I'm going to wait it out, see what happens when he's well. And I told him that. Even if it takes a long, long time. I need to see how things go, and I think the reason for wondering if he was still in love with me is that my insecurities run deep. I'm a terribly insecure person. And I do know I have to work on that.

 

Thanks for the post!