'Asking Out' a Friend.

[Hol07]

Hi. I am 17, from England and am a student.

 

I've came here because I need some advice, regarding something which I've been debating in my head for what seems like ages.

 

Over the last two months (approx) I've started to become really good friends with this girl. We have been 'aquainted' for about a year, but it wasn't till recently that we became friends. I absolutely love being her friend. She's funny; kind; intelligent; cute; caring; and not a loud attention seeker (which is something I really dislike in people). She's an absolute joy to talk to and to be around, plus we seem to have a lot in common. As well as having such a great personality she's incredibly beautiful, maybe not physically attractive in the way society says is attractive, she wouldn't get on the cover of Vogue, but in my eyes she's the most gorgeous person in the world.

 

As you can tell, I REALLY like this girl, as in spending every waking hour thinking about her. Like I said, I love being her friend and if we stayed friends forever I would be extremely happy. But I would love for us to be more than just friends if you know what I mean. I've been contemplating whether or not to ask her out for a while now, and the closer we get as friends, the more I feel the urge to ask her. Really, I just feel desperate to tell her how I feel.

 

I'm a shy person which of course doesn't help, and I obviously have the general fears and doubts which I'm sure everyone has when asking someone out (sorry I don't know the correct term). But my main concern is what this would do to our friendship, regardless of her answer. If she says no would things be too awkward between us for us to be friends again? Would she be so shocked and upset by my approach that she wouldn't want to talk to me again? Even if we do get to together, would we still be able to be friends even if the relationship doesn't go well? Basically, I the last thing I want to do is compromise or jepordise our growing friendship. This is my biggest fear.

 

On the other hand, I fear that if I don't take the opportunity to ask her while it's there then I'll hate myself forever. I can see me mentally torturing myself, with a voice in my head constantly saying, "why didn't I ask her while I had the chance? I loved her, she was perfect for me. What's the worst that could've happened? She might have said yes. I'm so stupid".

 

Sometimes I feel like I'm biding my time, I say to myself, "I'll ask her next week when we get better as friends". But for various reasons I believe I need to make my decision soon, if I want to ask her out then it's now or never. We are good friends, but I don't know whether we're close enough yet. I'm not sure what she thinks of me. I know she likes me as a person and as a friend, but I very much doubt she finds me physically attractive. I would say I'm a good person, I would describe myself as intelligent; kind; sensitive; funny; warm; friendly; generous etc but I'm definatly not much much to look at. OK, I'm not ugly but I am short, skinny, have spots, unmanagable hair etc. Basically, I'm not exactly what a girl would call 'fit'.

 

Another problem is that I've never had a girlfriend before. To be honest if I did have a girlfriend then I wouldn't know what I should be doing with her. Which could make our relationship awkward to say the least. Also, despite being born and raised in the same region we are of different ethnic origins (not sure if that is the right term). I'm white and she's of Asian descent. Could this be a problem?

 

Sorry for the long post. Please give me advice, as to what I should do. Thanks for reading and thanks in advance for your replies.

[boogieboy]

Depending on your environment, her bieng asian could be a problem. Its not a problem in NYC, because its more culturally relaxed.

 

If you dont take care of yourself physically, details like that would hamper things.

 

Have you already been hanging out with her in person or do you just talk on the phone? If you have already been hanging out in person, then you might have already ruined it. If not, then you can ask her to meet up for coffee, and that will suffice for asking her out. But you have to make moves. You have to be funny, tease her, and not be too nice. Theres threads on here that show you how to do that. Because if you act like a friend, thats all you will be.

 

BTW dont lie to yourself thinking you can be genuinely friends when you like her. Thats not a friendship, what youre doing is a passive aggressive pursuit, and she probably already knows that. So you already showed her your cards.

[Surfer Dude]

First of all, don't "ask her out" and no "dates" whatsoever. No paying for chicks you aren't screwing. You can pay for drinks though, if you want. Get her to meet you in a casual setting, like for drinks in a cool lounge bar in the evening. Something like this:

 

"Hey AsianCupCake, I've done so many crazy things and I have so many exciting things to tell you! Meet me at XYZ spot at XY time. I'll even show you some photos!"

 

Once you meet up, don't supplicate, create attraction and escalate your relationship. Btw, sometimes getting out of friend zone is a pain in the ass and you'd be better off meeting new girls.

 

And if she blows you off, so what. Who needs "let's-just-be-friends" chicks anyway ? Who only want you to meet their emotional needs and not give anything in return.