Waiting for her...

[MistyK]

She was freaking out bc she felt as though that night, that he possibly impregnated her. I don't know what it's like to be woman who might feel as though she is pregnant, but I told her that it's probably all in her head. But she swears up and down, that she is.

 

Two things: 1) If her M is so bad and she wants out, why is she not on birth control in the 1st place? 2) I think she's already newly pregnant and wants you to think this is how it happened so you don't think they're having consensual sex all the time.

 

She refuses to have any kind of relationship with me until her situation from her husband is done. I said I want to go over there and knock the s***t out of him just like I would with any other guy who treats a lady wrong. Too many women (including my mother) has been in situations where men treated them wrong and I hate it with a passion.

 

Obviously not. Refusing to have any relationship woth you would include calling you at all, ever. She's revealing intimate details of her home life, and that's significant.

 

Secondly, I think she likes the idea that you feel protective of her (many women do) and it sounds like she's purposely trying to incite that kind of reaction in you. Now, is she hoping that you go clean his clock so she doesn't have to clean up her own mess? Is she setting you up - making you think she just can't possibly leave her H even though she thinks its 'the right thing to do' so you'll agree to an affair when you otherwise might not? Think about it.

[Reggie]

yes. she was my first love and we always been friends ever since then. I moved away and we kind of lost contact, but just recently I started getting back into her life and that's when I found out about all this that's going on in her life.

 

You know dick about her relationship. You are being played, IMO. Chrome asks the right question. Why did she not call the cops?

[Owl]

She's not cheating when she's not pursuing a relationship with me. She's never arranged for us to see each other and she was always honest with from day 1. She refuses to have any kind of relationship with me until her situation from her husband is done. I said I want to go over there and knock the s***t out of him just like I would with any other guy who treats a lady wrong. Too many women (including my mother) has been in situations where men treated them wrong and I hate it with a passion.

 

She's cheating when she tells you that she loves you.

 

Don't try to play the mental judo game of bending things to make them feel "ok".

 

You know it's wrong for a married woman to profess her love for someone else.

 

It IS that simple.

[Owl]

Here's what I suggest:

 

1. Stop trying to "rescue her". You can't. She can rescue herself, by leaving him if the situation is as horrible and abusive as she's painted to you. But you can't do it for her. It's ALL on her to choose, and to act upon.

 

2. Tell her point blank that you're not willing to be "the other man" in this situation. Tell her that you love her, and when she's 'available', you'd love to pursue this relationship with her. But you can't do that right now...because she's married. When that situation changes, she's welcome to pursue a relationship with you then...until then, this relationship has "crossed the line" and the only thing to do is to go NC until the situation changes.

 

3. THEN DO IT. GO NC. LET HER SOLVE HER "problems"...and be there for her when she's available to be with you.

 

Make sense?

[vangel2]

You mentioned that she called the cops once and never called them again? What's that all about? Is her H very controlling? I had a friend who was in a relationship with a guy who was and there were plenty of times he threatened her and her kids if she tried to leave him. I kinda can relate bc, I too, have an abusive H but fortunately, I can walk out of this marriage w/o the fear of him threatening me to stay.

 

I read a lot of the responses about her and sometimes it does make you think twice about what her intentions are. But you're the one whose talking to her and you know what's real. As long as you're not trying to pursue a relationship with this lady and vise versa, then continue being there as a friend and make sure you are clear on that with her.

 

If she starts to make a pass for you and she's still married, then that's when you want to end it. Right now, it sounds as though she needs someone to vent to.

[WARREN86]

Here's what I suggest:

 

1. Stop trying to "rescue her". You can't. She can rescue herself, by leaving him if the situation is as horrible and abusive as she's painted to you. But you can't do it for her. It's ALL on her to choose, and to act upon.

 

2. Tell her point blank that you're not willing to be "the other man" in this situation. Tell her that you love her, and when she's 'available', you'd love to pursue this relationship with her. But you can't do that right now...because she's married. When that situation changes, she's welcome to pursue a relationship with you then...until then, this relationship has "crossed the line" and the only thing to do is to go NC until the situation changes.

 

3. THEN DO IT. GO NC. LET HER SOLVE HER "problems"...and be there for her when she's available to be with you.

 

Make sense?

 

Yeah. I agree with you completely. That's what I'm trying to do. But I feel bad when my phone rings and it's her calling. Keep in mind, I haven't talked to her for a few weeks bc we both agreed to not communicate until it's over btwn them. Am I suppose to ignore her call when she needs me? I'm not trying to be a saviour.. I am trying to be a friend.

[Owl]

But there's your mistake, my friend.

 

Your friendship was REPLACED by your affair.

 

You can't go back to it.

 

If you're trying to end the affair...there can be no friendship. It doesn't work that way...it's not fair to you, her, or anyone else involved in this situation.

 

You need to block her calls. You need to ENFORCE YOUR BOUNDARIES. You told her NC until she leaves for him. She's not honoring that. She's SELFISHLY still calling you after you asked her not to do so until she's able to be with you.

 

You can't be her friend anymore...once the line was crossed, you lost that option. You're either in an affair/relationship with her, or you're not in ANY contact with her.

 

Resend your NC wishes to her...and then block her calls and contact options. The only way she can break that wall is by physically coming to see you...WHEN HER MARRIAGE IS OVER.

 

It sounds harsh...but it's the only real way to break this cycle.

[Reggie]

You want to go kick the crap out of some guy based on what she is telling you? Look , her story is full of holes. WTF is she doing contacting you about this stuff? She has family and access to the cops, right.

You need to go watch "Body Heat" and whatever that Nicole Kidman movie about the anchorwoman was entitiled.

[KAP84]

there's like million of other women in the world, why you messing around with a married woman? that's messed up. but you know it's just as much the girl's fault so you deserve each other.

[tami-chan]

Did somebody tell you to grow a pair? wow....I wonder if that would apply to other situations where people just can't seem to move on and move on fast....hmmm...

[WARREN86]

UPDATE

 

Thanks everyone for putting this into perspective for me since the last update. I really felt kind of dumb for wanting to go over there and beat the crap out of this guy. Whether it was the truth or not, it is not my battle to fight. I text her a little while back and told her that we really needed to go back to the whole NC so that she could figure this out on her own. She agreed and understood completely. BTW, she's not pregnant. She is staying with her friend as of now and her friend called for a restraining order on her H after she came there with bruises all over her neck and arms. I talked with her sister and she said that her parents are now involved bc they had no idea that she was being mistreated in the marriage and they made an appt for her to get some counselling. I am relieved to know this. I am just waiting to see what will happen next. I don't know if she's going to get a divorce but she knows where I stand now. I can't be with her until she's no longer married. I refuse to be the OM.

[Athena]

I like that you keep in touch via the sister, because that shows your care and concern. I was just thinking that since it has been confirmed that there was spousal abuse going on (and not like some ppl thought she might be misrepresenting her home situation to you), she might later come to believe that you abandoned her right when she needed you most. But, if she now has her family's support and back up, that is help for her from the right place... AND if you call to check on her via the sister, that's showing your interest while still keeping the NC... it's a difficult line to tread. But it looks like she definitely needs to divorce this H of hers, heal herself, spend time on her own, before she will be emotionally ready to start a new R.

[vangel2]

UPDATE

 

 

Thanks everyone for putting this into perspective for me since the last update. I really felt kind of dumb for wanting to go over there and beat the crap out of this guy. Whether it was the truth or not, it is not my battle to fight. I text her a little while back and told her that we really needed to go back to the whole NC so that she could figure this out on her own. She agreed and understood completely. BTW, she's not pregnant. She is staying with her friend as of now and her friend called for a restraining order on her H after she came there with bruises all over her neck and arms. I talked with her sister and she said that her parents are now involved bc they had no idea that she was being mistreated in the marriage and they made an appt for her to get some counselling. I am relieved to know this. I am just waiting to see what will happen next. I don't know if she's going to get a divorce but she knows where I stand now. I can't be with her until she's no longer married. I refuse to be the OM.

 

I can tell you that you really love and care for her. But you're right, it's not your battle to fight and that was a smart move to let it go with her. I'm really glad that you both agreed and hopefully, she'll live on her end of the bargain and respect your expectations.

[vangel2]

I like that you keep in touch via the sister, because that shows your care and concern. I was just thinking that since it has been confirmed that there was spousal abuse going on (and not like some ppl thought she might be misrepresenting her home situation to you), she might later come to believe that you abandoned her right when she needed you most. But, if she now has her family's support and back up, that is help for her from the right place... AND if you call to check on her via the sister, that's showing your interest while still keeping the NC... it's a difficult line to tread. But it looks like she definitely needs to divorce this H of hers, heal herself, spend time on her own, before she will be emotionally ready to start a new R.

 

Yeah, I agree, too, that you kept in contact w/ the sister. Keep us posted, too!

[WARREN86]

Yeah, I agree, too, that you kept in contact w/ the sister. Keep us posted, too!

 

Yeah, I miss her like crazy. I feel like I'm going out of my mind not being able to talk to her, but I know it's only the best for the both of us. Like you mentioned b4, she needs to work on herself, get back to loving herself b4 she could love anybody else.

[MistyK]

Yeah, I miss her like crazy. I feel like I'm going out of my mind not being able to talk to her, but I know it's only the best for the both of us. Like you mentioned b4, she needs to work on herself, get back to loving herself b4 she could love anybody else.

 

Hang in there. It's the only way you have a chance at a good relationship later.