NotNow Posted July 5, 2009 Share Posted July 5, 2009 I'm dating a guy long distance for a year now - we didn't meet online, we met in person, see each other at least once a month, talk via phone and internet every day, have said "I love you," and I'm moving down there soon (the reason we met basically is that I've been planning on moving there when I finished my degree, so we met when I was scouting neighborhoods and companies. Anyways: I texted him from my 4th party I was at; he never responded at all. This afternoon I got online and he IMed me; I asked him about his party, and gave me one line about how cool the venue was, then went silent. So after a few minutes I said bye and signed off. Then he made a status on fb about how amazing and crazy the party was, and like immediately half a dozen people commented on his wall/status agreeing with him, and saying things like they're glad there's no photo evidence. I'm really hurt and angry that when I asked he didn't tell me ANYTHING, but he felt the need to post on fb, sharing this with everyone else (and yes, obviously that includes me, but I should be more special than his 800 fb friends). Even if he were just a friend that I spoke to every day, and not someone I'm sleeping with and speak to every day I would expect more details. Am I being completely ridiculous?? Link to post Share on other sites
lora22 Posted July 6, 2009 Share Posted July 6, 2009 It's not ridiculous for you to feel that way, and that does seem kind of rude (or something). I don't really have any insight or interpretation as to what might be up with that though. Did you say something to him about it? Link to post Share on other sites
Author NotNow Posted July 7, 2009 Author Share Posted July 7, 2009 No, I didn't say anything to him about it - we're not in a relationship so it's really hard for me to determine if it's acceptable to say something or not, and based on a previous incident, I'm gonna go with no, it's not. I can't tell if I'm just completely starting to disengage from this guy or if I'm just feeling bitchy for a variety of reasons including, but not limited to: - I'm starting to feel very cynical about relationships in general, partly because of a book I'm reading (Smart Girls Marry Money: How Women Have Been Duped into the Romantic Dream - and How They're Paying for It). - I think I'm getting tired of how long I've been "with" this guy, but without any real forward movement (like "rights" and commitment). I'm not sure if I really feel that way or not, because really I'm the one who wanted what we have now, and there's really no reason I would different at this point in my life. - He says he loves me, but I don't feel like he's "in love" with me, and this really annoys me no end. I want to feel slightly more like he doesn't have any choice but to be with me because he's so crazy about me, and slightly less like it's a completely rational and cognitive decision based on factors that would make me a good partner. *One reason I feel this way, but certainly not the only or the biggest reason is that he put up with tons of **** from his last two ex-gfs before, during, and after their relationships that he would absolutely not deal with from me. Like if it even appears that I say or do something that could potentially be interpreted this way he'll totally overreact. * An example of the above, and another reason I'm starting to feel the way I do is that ONCE someone wrote something on his fb wall and I asked who it was (not b/c of what she wrote, but because her name was so bizarre - I was curious. He freaked out, saying that when I act insecure like that (as if I did it all the time) he doesn't even feel like responding (he did tell me who the girl was first, but totally put her down). Then he said that if I wanted to go down that road he would stop talking to me. As if it would be the easiest thing in the world for him! I should add this both exes were jealous psychos. - Last night I went out with friend, and sent him a text. He replied with "call me." I texted back that I was out and couldn't call him. So he was like "Be safe, have fun, don't kiss boys, love you." Today he IMed me and asked how last night, and I just said "fun." He then teased me a little, and it seemed like he was fishing for more info, but after the 4th I refused to be so forthcoming. He'll get what he gives. Finally he asked me "what happened last night?" Because I had just seen pics online of him at his 4th party with his two most recent exes, I felt pretty angry and didn't answer him. Pair that with his wanting info from me, but not ever giving me any and I'm just downright irate. - I'm starting to feel like my "he'll get what he gives" attitude is not the right way to go about a relationship, even if it's not a defined one. - I want him to talk to me more about what's going on in his life, what he does with his friends, etc. That's a normal thing people in relationships, or even people who are just friends who talk multiple times a day, DO! He does it when we're together, even going so far as to ask my opinion and for advice about big decisions in his life. But I get absolutely nothing when I'm not there. Sorry for the wall of text, I'm just really trying to figure out how I feel about all this stuff, and writing about it helps. I'm going to have to make a decision soon I think. Any insights are welcome. Link to post Share on other sites
RA1 Posted July 9, 2009 Share Posted July 9, 2009 - He says he loves me, but I don't feel like he's "in love" with me, ... Then probably he isn't in love with you. Are you in love with him (you say you are "starting to disengage" which implies maybe not)? Link to post Share on other sites
torranceshipman Posted July 9, 2009 Share Posted July 9, 2009 I don't get what the problem is if you're not actually in a R? I don't understand your dynamic..if there are expectations and he says i love you, but no R? Is this a condition he or you requested (or have I misunderstood?). Him being at a crazy party with his 2 most recent exes doesn't sound great to me, simply because his posting those pics is going to hurt you and he knows that, and that is not respectful. Maybe it'd bother you less if the status of your R was defined? Is your gut telling you that he is a bit of a player? With 800 friends he might be a bit of a party guy. Dam Facebook :laugh: Link to post Share on other sites
Quest Posted July 10, 2009 Share Posted July 10, 2009 Sounds like the two of you need to figure out what your expectations of each other are and what the boundaries are. You say you're not in a 'relationship'. Does that mean you've agreed it's okay to go out and party, flirt with other people etc? But sounds like you're upset at that idea so maybe you really do want something a bit more committed and serious? And sounds like he gets a bit upset about the idea of you being out and possibly meeting other people so maybe he also wants a few boundaries set up. Maybe I've not understood your post properly but seems like maybe a proper talk about where things are going would solve some of the issues you're having. Link to post Share on other sites
Author NotNow Posted July 10, 2009 Author Share Posted July 10, 2009 I don't get what the problem is if you're not actually in a R? I don't understand your dynamic..if there are expectations and he says i love you, but no R? Is this a condition he or you requested (or have I misunderstood?). Him being at a crazy party with his 2 most recent exes doesn't sound great to me, simply because his posting those pics is going to hurt you and he knows that, and that is not respectful. Maybe it'd bother you less if the status of your R was defined? Is your gut telling you that he is a bit of a player? With 800 friends he might be a bit of a party guy. Dam Facebook :laugh: Ha, nope, you didn't misunderstand, it's just a bizarre R! Hence my problems. It's been understood (he has said without me asking) that when I move there, he WANTS to be my bf - well I'm finally moving to his state this weekend for my job (the only reason we started dating long distance in the first place is we both thought I'd be moving sooner for my job). But I think you're right that at this point the undefined nature is what's bothering me, because it certainly FEELS defined - except for two instances involving potential jealousy over another girl, then he stepped right in letting me know that I didn't have the right. He acknowledged my issue by discussing it first, but then let me know, hey, you're not my gf. I don't think he's a player, and I shouldn't even have a problem with the exes - one is engaged and one has a bf, and I've had a couple of opportunities to meet them both, but I declined every time (for example, once I had just flown down, we went straight out to dinner, and his ex and her bf wanted him to meet up with them - well I hadn't showered or changed from traveling, and so didn't want to meet her then). But for example, from the 4th party, my guy is standing/sitting next to, talking to, arm around, hand holding, etc. the engaged ex in almost EVERY SINGLE PICTURE (like 40 - the pic is either of them, or they can be seen in the background) - her fiance was there, but he's only in one picture with his fiance. This SHOULDN'T make me jealous, and I've never considered myself a jealous girl, but it does. Also, his friend, whom I'm also friends with took and posted the pics, not my guy. Link to post Share on other sites
Javelin Posted July 11, 2009 Share Posted July 11, 2009 Ha, nope, you didn't misunderstand, it's just a bizarre R! Hence my problems. It's been understood (he has said without me asking) that when I move there, he WANTS to be my bf - well I'm finally moving to his state this weekend for my job (the only reason we started dating long distance in the first place is we both thought I'd be moving sooner for my job). But I think you're right that at this point the undefined nature is what's bothering me, because it certainly FEELS defined - except for two instances involving potential jealousy over another girl, then he stepped right in letting me know that I didn't have the right. He acknowledged my issue by discussing it first, but then let me know, hey, you're not my gf. I don't think he's a player, and I shouldn't even have a problem with the exes - one is engaged and one has a bf, and I've had a couple of opportunities to meet them both, but I declined every time (for example, once I had just flown down, we went straight out to dinner, and his ex and her bf wanted him to meet up with them - well I hadn't showered or changed from traveling, and so didn't want to meet her then). But for example, from the 4th party, my guy is standing/sitting next to, talking to, arm around, hand holding, etc. the engaged ex in almost EVERY SINGLE PICTURE (like 40 - the pic is either of them, or they can be seen in the background) - her fiance was there, but he's only in one picture with his fiance. This SHOULDN'T make me jealous, and I've never considered myself a jealous girl, but it does. Also, his friend, whom I'm also friends with took and posted the pics, not my guy. This guy is playing a very dangerous and immature game. Are you sure you want to go through with this? Link to post Share on other sites
Author NotNow Posted July 15, 2009 Author Share Posted July 15, 2009 This guy is playing a very dangerous and immature game. Are you sure you want to go through with this? Could you clarify? Is your interpretation of the quoted text that something is going on with his ex (whether it's flirting or more), or....? Just want more info, since my reaction is to say "No, no, of course he likes me and isn't playing games!" and I don't want to be one of those posters Link to post Share on other sites
lora22 Posted July 15, 2009 Share Posted July 15, 2009 I'm wary of any guy who is FRIENDS (vs friendly) with exes, or guys who have tons of girl friends. Link to post Share on other sites
Author NotNow Posted July 17, 2009 Author Share Posted July 17, 2009 Well I met the ex, and generally everything seemed on the up and up... Link to post Share on other sites
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