Should I trust my wife?

[macguy]

I hate spilling my emotion or situation on a forum here, but I have no one else to talk to.

 

So, where should I start?

 

I’ve been promising my wife for months that I would replace her hard drive in her laptop. We take a lot of digital photos of the family and those eat up space fast. I had been so busy at work, I hadn’t got around to replacing her drive. So Memorial Day weekend, I finally had the time to do this task.

 

On the drive I found a hidden file titled “letter-FinalVersion”. I don’t know why I did, but I opened it. The file was a collection of Facebook conversations my wife had been having with an ex-boyfriend “Billy” since April.

 

My heart stopped, however I had to keep on reading.

 

The conversations started innocently, then my wife in these conversations asks if “Billy” if his email is private or if his family can access. Because as she states “I’m still a very private person & while what I want to say isn’t anything anyone else couldn’t read, It’s still private. If that makes any sense...”

 

She continues that she had found some old drawings that he had drawn for her and stated she wanted to scan them in and send them to him via email along with a letter.

 

“Billy” states it would be cool to see his old drawings.

 

Wow. So I keep on reading. Then I find the letter. Here’s the highlights.

 

“My intention with this letter is not to disrupt your life in any way or hurt either one of our families. My marriage is, well, complicated. You thought I didn’t let you in when we were dating, but my poor husband has to deal with it to a worse degree than you did, trust me. He’s a good man, he loves me to pieces and he is a great provider. Like you did, he just accepts me as I am and is always there to back my play, no matter what. I’ve just never really been able to let him in, and never really understood why until recently. I know it hurts him sometimes. But, that is another subject entirely and one I have to begin to work through on my own until I reach a decision on it. And I’m sure you don’t care to hear about it. “

 

“ I know you cared about me... and even though we never actually said the words I know that what we had was real and could've been so great. And I'm sorry for ruining everything and for hurting you in such a careless way. I hope you can forgive me.”

 

“ After years of wishing for some kind of contact, at last here you are & now I have the opportunity to say some things that I have wanted to say to you for the last 19 years. Geez, can you believe that much time has gone by?”

 

“I decided to start taking college classes and I tried to begin to move on. Later that year, I met MacGuy. And I guess the rest is history. I can’t say I’ve had a bad life & I wouldn’t trade my kids for anything! But, Damn! Where’s a magic genie when a girl needs a wish fulfilled, ya know?”

 

“If by some weird twist of fate we both find ourselves free and within driving distance of each other, I hope you’ll look me up and let me buy you dinner or go to a movie.”

 

I knew we had not have been having sex recently, however I had no idea our marriage was "complicated".

I work hard to make sure my wife and our children have everything they want.

 

I had read enough. I calmly printed the letter out and approached my wife about it.

She states that she had broken up with him badly and had always felt guilty about it and this was her chance to make herself “feel right” about something.

 

I then read the letter to her and explain that I feel this i more about making “things right.”

 

She then goes on to say that she feels that I don’t love her as a lover. More of a mother to our children. I then explain that it’s hard to treat her like a lover when she doesn’t want to have sex. She then tells me she had been using sex as a weapon and that also she just wanted to avoid it because it reminded her of what we used to be.

 

Later that night I find another series of files. In these series of files it’s a list of our mutual assets, what she will take if she moves out and what she is looking for in a apartment or house.

 

I then ask her if she had ever thought about moving out and she said “no”. I then show her the printout and proceed to pack up a suitcase to leave.

 

She begs me to stay, to talk through things. So I do. We talk until the wee hours in the morning and we decide that we both have problems communicating our emotions. She states that she is going to start to going to therapy and she wants to be with me.

 

It’s been a month, we’ve been having great sex and great laughs. Somedays things feel right, somedays they don’t. My wife seems happy... She says she's going to therapy to try to find herself. It seems to being doing her good... But what about me? Something still inside me says something is not right.

 

Any advice?

[Javelin]

Something still inside me says something is not right.

 

I know it hurts my friend, but trust your gut. Meaning, think with your head (logically) and not with your heart (emotionally.)

 

If you had not found those letters, do you honestly think that she would have told you about what was going on? I mean she was planning a, 'just in case' escape route, because she had hidden feelings for someone else. In reality, eventually, she would of acted on those feelings and went to see this ex-boyfriend, if given the opportunity.

 

Counseling might help and things may seem right from time to time, but that's not how it should be. It should feel right ALL THE TIME! Take my past situation for example, my ex-girlfriend was going to therapy/counseling and she still cheated!

 

Do not, at any cost or under any circumstance make the same mistake that I did. Unlike me, you have too much to lose.

 

Anyway, should you trust your wife? No.

[whichwayisup]

Is "Billy" out of the picture completely?

 

It's good she's realized some things and is going to counselling with you, but what bothers me is, she has omitted things to you and then had to ADMIT to them once you found evidence. I can see why the trust issues are cropping up, her behaviour in the recent past hasn't been good.

 

Is she willing to give you access to ALL her email/facebook/ account? That way you can check in anytime you feel you need to? Is she truly sorry for crossing lines with this guy? Is she showing you respect, love and real honesty now? Or is she reacting out of fear of losing you and the marriage, her comfort zone.

[carhill]

She says she's going to therapy to try to find herself. It seems to being doing her good... But what about me? Something still inside me says something is not right.

 

Any advice?

 

Sure. MC is where you need to be, together. Personally, I see the sex and laughs as band-aids; 'fake it until you make it'. The hard work of rebuilding intimacy, trust and that elemental bond isn't easy or quick.

 

'Billy' should be irrelevant. Is he, to her, now?

 

That's my gut....

[Bryanp]

If the roles were reversed, do you honestly think your wife would be so accepting as you have been? Your wife is a very dishonest person. She also seems to be quite the actress. I would be very weary about her. You should think about protecting your assests in case your wife is manipulating you to buy more time. Good Luck.

[sugarmomma]

Stay in counseling but definitely keep your eyes open. She has been deceitful and has the capacity to do it again. She needs to understand the damage she has created and be willing to make it right.

 

You don't have any concrete proof that she has cheated even though she may have, so you can only go by what she says.

 

Good Luck.

[JamesM]

I agree with the others. Go with your gut.

 

On the other hand, it could be that she wanted you to find those files. I have a hard time believing that she would let you fix her computer knowing that you might find everything. It seems that she wanted you to find it...and then let the chips fall where they may.

 

I agree with carhill that the sex and laughs might be a bandaid, but they also could be like the first dates of a relationship. Remember when you both had such great "love" for each other? She could actually believe she is in love with you again (and she may be), but these feelings are just that...feelings. The question is...will these feelings turn into a renewed commitment or fade away with time? Or is the sex and laughter a way to convince you that she still loves you? Or is it her way to convince herself?

 

Time will tell.

[icepop]

I'd get my cod piece checked too, MacGuy. BTW, she still has to earn the trust she lost with you. I would still want to see all phone, e-mail accounts and her whereabouts at all times.

 

This shouldn't be a major imposition for her if she really wants to make the M work.As I found out with my ex, counseling and drying out did not help.

 

And BTW, if there are any drugs or alcohol involved,( andI mean ANY ), ALL bets are OFF.

[macguy]

Stay in counseling but definitely keep your eyes open. She has been deceitful and has the capacity to do it again. She needs to understand the damage she has created and be willing to make it right.

 

You don't have any concrete proof that she has cheated even though she may have, so you can only go by what she says.

 

Good Luck.

 

We are not going to therapy together, she's never even brought that up. She's going to therapy alone. She said she needs to find out what makes her happy, that it's not about us, it's about her.

 

I find it odd that she wouldn't want BOTH of us to go to some kind of therapy.

 

I expressed my desire last night for BOTH of us to go to some kind of counseling.

 

You would think her happiness would be dependent on our marriage, something we could work together on.

 

I'm just confused.

[Bryanp]

My guess is the reason she does not want couples therapy is that she does not want you to know the truth of her cheating. She knows she should be honest to her therapist but would not be if you came as a couple. You may want to consider being checked for STD's. She is a manipulator and is manipulating you again.

[macguy]

My guess is the reason she does not want couples therapy is that she does not want you to know the truth of her cheating. She knows she should be honest to her therapist but would not be if you came as a couple. You may want to consider being checked for STD's. She is a manipulator and is manipulating you again.

 

Yeah. She's offered for me to go to her counseling now. WTF?

[carhill]

Don't say 'WTF?'...... GO!

 

Post an update after your first session...

[Dexter Morgan]

macguy...you asked if you should trust your wife.

 

the short answer is, ...no....she can't be trusted...she has proven that.

[Darth Vader]

We are not going to therapy together, she's never even brought that up. She's going to therapy alone. She said she needs to find out what makes her happy, that it's not about us, it's about her.

 

I find it odd that she wouldn't want BOTH of us to go to some kind of therapy.

 

I expressed my desire last night for BOTH of us to go to some kind of counseling.

 

You would think her happiness would be dependent on our marriage, something we could work together on.

 

I'm just confused.

 

 

This woman's very peculiar, I agree with someone else about how she may have wanted you to find this letter. However, you stated that you didn't read the rest of it. I suggest that you read all of it, before it mysteriously disappears! She had a list of to do things just in case? Sounds like she's getting ready to run for the hills.

 

She didn't want to go to counseling with you, and now she does, Huge Red Flags right there!

 

The thing that Lights up the most is what she said, "to find herself"!

 

Translation: She's getting ready to leave, perhaps with or for someone else!

 

Someone else was saying you need to have a plan of your own, Agreed.

 

How far away does this old BF live? Has she ever traveled out of town, business trips, relatives in the area, you know, that kind of thing? Any future trips that you know of to that location?

 

This also goes for any trips that are relatively close to the OM, say roughly within 500 miles, but it could be more.

 

Yeah, trust your gut. It just doesn't look good on this side of the screen either.

 

I say, no, don't trust her! Better to err on the side of causion. Lay low, and see if you can find out more. Install a good keylogger that records keystrokes and screenshots that's not detectable by spyware/adaware programs.

 

But continue the counseling thing, you may learn something you need to know.

[Javelin]

Macguy,

 

This woman is going to do some serious damage to you, if you continue thinking with your heart. You know damn well that something just isn't right and you really need to build up the strength to act on it, before she plays you for a fool.

 

She said she needs to find out what makes her happy, that it's not about us, it's about her.

 

With this statement, it's clear that your wife was not ready for marriage when you proposed to her. She wants to find out what makes her happy? What kind of thing is that to say when you're committed to a family?

 

You would think her happiness would be dependent on our marriage, something we could work together on.

 

I'm just confused.

 

What's so confusing about the situation? Is it really so hard to understand, that someone is capable of putting you through all of this nonsense? Well, believe me, it happens to the best of us; no matter how hard we try.

 

But please, you have to think logically. Plain n' Simple: Your wife is NOT to be trusted.

[macguy]

Macguy,

 

This woman is going to do some serious damage to you, if you continue thinking with your heart. You know damn well that something just isn't right and you really need to build up the strength to act on it, before she plays you for a fool.

 

 

 

With this statement, it's clear that your wife was not ready for marriage when you proposed to her. She wants to find out what makes her happy? What kind of thing is that to say when you're committed to a family?

 

 

 

What's so confusing about the situation? Is it really so hard to understand, that someone is capable of putting you through all of this nonsense? Well, believe me, it happens to the best of us; no matter how hard we try.

 

But please, you have to think logically. Plain n' Simple: Your wife is NOT to be trusted.

 

I think you are right... I've now found emails to "Billy's" sister.

 

I should move on. It's going to hurt emotionally and financially.

 

But, It's time.

[Javelin]

I think you are right... I've now found emails to "Billy's" sister.

 

I should move on. It's going to hurt emotionally and financially.

 

But, It's time.

 

Macguy,

 

All we're saying is to go with your gut and to trust your better judgment. Right now it's going to be seriously confusing, especially at this point in your relationship, but before it gets worse; something needs to be done.

 

Just remember, there is no right or wrong decision! Whatever you decide to do is your own business, just becareful either route you take.

[mark982]

be one of the smarter ones here, and have your ducks all lined up before you move on. makes things alot easier.