Married for 2 years...afraid that it's not going to last

[runnergirl]

I just recently found this forum. I guess I'm looking for some perspective on what is happening to my marriage. I've been married for a little over 2 years (I'm 25, my husband is 30). We were together for 3 years before we were married. Our marriage has been rocky from the start.

 

A year before we married, I graduated from college and started my first job out of school and moved to another state (for my husband's (then fiance's) job). It was really tough at first because I went through a realization that I may have chosen the wrong career path (I was very, very unhappy in my new job) and I felt isolated from my friends and family. I really wanted to go back to school and follow a completely different career path, but I ultimately decided on getting a master's degree in my field instead. Now, I'm at a point where I have a job that I enjoy, but I still feel that it is not my passion in life. I really feel that I want to continue in school for a Ph.D. (which was my original goal following undergrad). My husband, however, has basically forbid me from doing it. He wants me to continue working and have children. He does not see how more education fits into this. I've tried compromising and agreed to have children and then go back after a few years (even though I know that this would not be ideal)- he states this is not even a possibility in his mind. It seems that because it is not a goal of his, it should also not be a goal of mine. He says that I just want to do it so that I don't have to work. However, from the time that I met him, he has known that this was my ultimate goal. He even agreed to move at one point so that I could attend a program in another state. That got shut down by the worsening economy and his excuse that he has a good job here and we can't leave this state. When I question why he used to support my goals and now doesn't, he says that things have changed and he doesn't think I'll ever be satisfied with my life or career.

 

The having children part is the other piece to our problems. He is a few years older than I am and wants kids right now. I don't feel that I'm ready. Last year, I agreed to try. I ended up having a miscarriage at 12 weeks and subsequently went through the worse depression of my entire life. I still don't feel ready. That's the other deal breaker for him. He tells me that it's over if I don't want to have kids. It's not that I don't want to have kids at all- I'm just not ready right now and don't know if I will be for several more years. He is not understanding or compassionate about this at all. Or anything really.

 

My husband won't talk to me. I've tried to get him to agree to counseling, but he refuses. He completely shuts me out every time I try to have a serious conversation with him. I've told him that his lack of compromise and unwillingness to just talk about things is destroying our marriage. He doesn't respond at all, or if he does respond, it is just to say that he's quit trying because I'm never going to be happy and there is no point. I just don't know what to do anymore or if this relationship is worth saving. I feel like I deserve to be with someone who loves me for me (with or without children) and supports me in reaching my goals (no matter if they seem trivial to him or not).

[SoulSearch_CO]

IMO, he's violating his original agreement with you. And I'm talking about your vows. If it were me, I'd be ready to leave. Life's too short to be spending it with someone that wants to dictate your life. Marriage is about compromise - not one person stomping their foot stubbornly until they get their way. He's acting like a child. The fact that he also won't go to counseling indicates to me that he has no interest in saving the marriage. It takes two people to make a marriage work and it sounds like he has checked out.

[giotto]

IMO, he's violating his original agreement with you. And I'm talking about your vows. If it were me, I'd be ready to leave. Life's too short to be spending it with someone that wants to dictate your life. Marriage is about compromise - not one person stomping their foot stubbornly until they get their way. He's acting like a child. The fact that he also won't go to counseling indicates to me that he has no interest in saving the marriage. It takes two people to make a marriage work and it sounds like he has checked out.

 

+1 - agree entirely.

[door-mat]

RUN!!!! before you have a child then it will be your job to ensure that the child is well looked after and the house and the washing........I think you know where im going. It is such an old fashioned view!! if you want to go back to school then do it and if he wont be with you and support you then I would say so be it!!!

[torranceshipman]

My God he sounds like a nasty guy - a real bully. NOONE has the right to forbid you to do anything - well, not unless you are their kid and they are the parent who are assigned to your wellbeing. How dare he stop your dream of getting a PhD? And how dare he bully you into having kids, especially after your miscarriage?

 

You should leave...