About to tell her...

[Adunaphel]

I suggest you ask yourself this: had you not met another person and got interested in/involved with her, would you be *actually*considering divorcing?

Is the affair the *cause* of your need to divorce, or is she the *consequence*?

 

I am an OW, and your situation reminds me of mine in a lot of ways.

I strongly suggest that if you choose to divorce, it is *for yourself*, and not *for the other person*, or no good will come from it.

 

I am not sure there is a 'better' way than others to present the situation to your W... that is, if you decide to go along with the divorce. It would depend on your W.

I'd tell you to discuss your issues with her, hadn't you already done it - I am assuming you already made up your mind.

I personally believe that honesty is the best policy.

There is another person.

You would want to divorce even if there were not another person. (or wouldn't you?)

Your W might end up 'blaming' the OW... at least for a while. But there already were issues.

So she will probably know anyway that it is not just about another person (unless you are deluding yourself...or she is deluding herself).

Lies would be hard to forgive, IMO. If you try to hide the OW from her, you are making things worse.

[dwillis08]

Well my emotions are all over the place right now. For example her mom lives about an hour and a ferry ride away. So this weekend was the first i was going to see her in about two weeks. It was absolutely wonderful seeing the kids but i probably cried about 10 times and no one noticed. I was able to pull myself together in time. I stayed one day and came back home cause i needed to work. But while there she knew something was off. I said work was the problem because i did not want to talk about this there. I guess i figure it better to do it at home or on our own turf. But she tried to talk to me and the effort by me just wasnt there. Like i said it hasnt been even though i have tried. She wants to get to the bottom of why i am acting distant.

 

And for the record during this period of close to three weeks while she was gone i have only seen the OW two times. We talked most of the other time. We work together but have clashing schedules.

 

So theres some feelings there. I "like" the OW. Not love, i understand the difference between love and lust before anyone goes making any rash judgements on that. So I am a wreck and maybe i have made up my mind idunno. It all seems hard and lonely right now and yeah i know i caused it so i am just trying to deal with it.

[2sunny]

it is so easy to "imagine" a wonderful life with someone else when the reality of daily life doesn't come into play.

 

it is also difficult to "watch" a family moving through a gathering such as yours this weekend knowing that their lives are about to be blown to pieces. hence, the emotions you were feeling while there.

 

the fact that she recognized your distance and you gave her nothing to work with is unfair... unfair to you and to her.

 

the sooner you reveal the truth - the sooner you can both begin to move forward - whatever that is supposed to look like after you have an honest talk with her.

 

really, how can you expect her to participate in this if you keep shutting her off? she knows something's wrong - why won't you just tell her so you can talk about it?

 

man up and give her some solid info to work off of... she deserves to know what she has coming in the future. she also may need her family support - so just tell her while she's there.

[tojaz]

.

 

the sooner you reveal the truth - the sooner you can both begin to move forward - whatever that is supposed to look like after you have an honest talk with her.

 

really, how can you expect her to participate in this if you keep shutting her off? she knows something's wrong - why won't you just tell her so you can talk about it ?

 

 

As a guy who is going through a situation like this, being honest and talking it out is going to be the least harmful way to go about this. That is if you go through it. I was denied that privelege, my marriage went from happy (as far as I knew) to over in three months and I'm still trying to catch up and see what happened. That hurts more then anything, being blindsided. Just so you can know how she feels. You have had the time to make the decision, look at the facts at your own pace. She will not and will have a hard time with that. The time to be honest with her was when you became less then happy, not when you are ready to walk.

TOJAZ

[n9688m]

 

And for the record during this period of close to three weeks while she was gone i have only seen the OW two times. We talked most of the other time. We work together but have clashing schedules.

 

I would suggest for your benefit, for your kids' benefit, and out of compassion for your wife, you should go complete NC with the OW for a while and then see how your feelings are for your wife and then attempt MC. Then and only then should you decide on divorce for sure.

 

Even if you are certain you want to leave, I can absolutely promise you that if you ask for a divorce during an active affair your wife will go absolutely ballistic - and frankly you deserve it. And yes - she will find out one way or another.

 

If for no other reason, do it for your kids. Divorce with adultery and young children is a very nasty situation. Try to avoid it. If you cannot avoid it, then at least sooth over the edges as much as possible.

 

You got one thing right up front by the way when you said you don't care how much money you lose - because when your wife finds out you had an affair with young children, hell hath no fury like a woman scorned.