Thank you to the OW (kind of)

[whichwayisup]

Misty you missed my point completely. I was replying to NID's post about the mistake the original poster made by posting this - Because of the next stages yet to come.. Just like an OW who ends the A, goes into NC mode, but most as we've all read cannot stay in NC mode for long.. That is all I meant and I certainly meant no harm, didn't mean to offend anyone by my thoughts on this.

 

Sadly, she's naive and hopeful that her marriage is fine, her and her husband are together forever now. It's far from fine, that's the thing.

 

Maybe the mistake was for her posting it in this section, but we don't know this poster so we can't assume what her intention was by posting here, she seems new, give her the benefit of doubt.

[herenow]

Ah yes, the hysterical bonding. Wish I understood that while it was happening because I felt crazy for always wanting sex from this man who had just caused me so much pain. The fact that I insisted my H move out helped that stage pass rather quickly. I think it's good that she posted this so that she can have a better understanding of what is happening. Maybe she won't be so surprised when she enters the anger stage.

[Ms. Red]

Wow. Nice way to show him:

 

"I hate him right now for what he did to me, and to us and to our family." And, "God, it makes me want to puke. "

 

I do hope you snap out of this soon.

 

I wish you well. =^-^=

[MistyK]

Misty you missed my point completely. I was replying to NID's post about the mistake the original poster made by posting this - Because of the next stages yet to come.. Just like an OW who ends the A, goes into NC mode, but most as we've all read cannot stay in NC mode for long.. That is all I meant and I certainly meant no harm, didn't mean to offend anyone by my thoughts on this.

 

Sadly, she's naive and hopeful that her marriage is fine, her and her husband are together forever now. It's far from fine, that's the thing.

 

Maybe the mistake was for her posting it in this section, but we don't know this poster so we can't assume what her intention was by posting here, she seems new, give her the benefit of doubt.

 

Gotcha. I'm a little sensitive on this issue Sorry.

[NoIDidn't]

I still wish she didn't post it. I don't think she needs to take the abuse many of the OW in the post seem to want to heap on her. That's what's not helping her. They don't see a hurting BW. They focus in on the fact that they feel she is gloating. Not on the fact that she clearly is still reeling from what she found out.

 

This woman doesn't know up or down yet. She's still in the phase where thinking his sexual interest in her means he won't stray ever again.

 

The hard work hasn't started yet. She doesn't need this abuse. This is one of those threads that could have been avoided by those that refuse to understand what is really happening here.

[whichwayisup]

Then they have to realize that SHE is not the BW in their own situations.

[NoIDidn't]

Then they have to realize that SHE is not the BW in their own situations.

 

Yes, basically what she did was probably therapeutic for her.

 

All this projection gets really old.

 

As if they don't gloat about the BW in their situation.

[OFGnomore]

JJ, The guy is lying, he told her he was having sex in a parking garage for 6 months!, afraid to get a room because it will show on the cc, BS is really naive, MM use CASH!!! But that goes to show how GOOD,( acadamy award good ) these guys are when caught and trying to show remorse, just to go and continue F**king around after the dust settles. They just gert better at it.

 

Yep, xMM always used cash. When I tried to end it, he cried, begged, etc etc. Kept the emails to prove it when I finally had the guts to confess to my H WITHOUT being busted. And you guessed it, his SIL told me how remorseful xMM was to BW after my H FORCED him to confess or H would do it himself. And yes, SIL told me how much xMM "cried" to the family and went to Catholic confession after he was caught. He had 3 months after I finally ended it to do it on his own. Wouldn't someone who was remorseful go at least to confession even if they didn't confess to their spouse? And yes, xMM brought me to his house, introduced me to his children, friends of his and his W:eek:. I'm no angel since I engaged too. These boundaries I did not violate.

 

My letter to BW,

 

"I"m sorry for intruding into your life a place I never belonged, but he's ALL yours now.

 

I'll keep my faithful husband thank you."

 

There are lots of wise "OWLS" on this site. My community got a toned down version of xMM's W statement with similar proclaimings as the orginal poster. 8 months out, after H and I have truly removed ourselves from their lives, she's singing "that b@stard" (xMM) did this to me tune and her directing her anger at us just added additional humilation to her for being such a fast forgiving fool.

 

As I said, humility will get you farthest in healing after going through a hell like this. Humility for all parties involved.

[Touche]

Yep, xMM always used cash. When I tried to end it, he cried, begged, etc etc. Kept the emails to prove it when I finally had the guts to confess to my H WITHOUT being busted. And you guessed it, his SIL told me how remorseful xMM was to BW after my H FORCED him to confess or H would do it himself. And yes, SIL told me how much xMM "cried" to the family and went to Catholic confession after he was caught. He had 3 months after I finally ended it to do it on his own. Wouldn't someone who was remorseful go at least to confession even if they didn't confess to their spouse? And yes, xMM brought me to his house, introduced me to his children, friends of his and his W:eek:. I'm no angel since I engaged too. These boundaries I did not violate.

 

My letter to BW,

 

"I"m sorry for intruding into your life a place I never belonged, but he's ALL yours now.

 

I'll keep my faithful husband thank you."

 

There are lots of wise "OWLS" on this site. My community got a toned down version of xMM's W statement with similar proclaimings as the orginal poster. 8 months out, after H and I have truly removed ourselves from their lives, she's singing "that b@stard" (xMM) did this to me tune and her directing her anger at us just added additional humilation to her for being such a fast forgiving fool.

 

As I said, humility will get you farthest in healing after going through a hell like this. Humility for all parties involved.

 

And your letter to the BW above is how you show humility?

 

Okie dokie.

[NoIDidn't]

And your letter to the BW above is how you show humility?

 

Okie dokie.

 

Yeah, I'm failing to see the humility in saying she had a cheating husband to the BW. I wonder if the xMM shot back with "I'll keep my faithful wife. thank you very much"?

[Touche]

Yeah' date=' I'm failing to see the humility in saying she had a cheating husband to the BW. I wonder if the xMM shot back with "I'll keep my faithful wife. thank you very much"?[/quote']

 

I know. And normally I don't post on these threads but I couldn't help myself on that one. That was one of the rudest and most arrogant things I've ever read on here...I mean even for an OW that was bad!

 

I feel sorry for her poor husband. She gets to keep her faithful H but look who he gets. Ugh. Disgusting.

[Mino]

Yep, xMM always used cash. When I tried to end it, he cried, begged, etc etc. Kept the emails to prove it when I finally had the guts to confess to my H WITHOUT being busted. And you guessed it, his SIL told me how remorseful xMM was to BW after my H FORCED him to confess or H would do it himself. And yes, SIL told me how much xMM "cried" to the family and went to Catholic confession after he was caught. He had 3 months after I finally ended it to do it on his own. Wouldn't someone who was remorseful go at least to confession even if they didn't confess to their spouse? And yes, xMM brought me to his house, introduced me to his children, friends of his and his W:eek:. I'm no angel since I engaged too. These boundaries I did not violate.

 

My letter to BW,

 

"I"m sorry for intruding into your life a place I never belonged, but he's ALL yours now.

 

I'll keep my faithful husband thank you."

 

There are lots of wise "OWLS" on this site. My community got a toned down version of xMM's W statement with similar proclaimings as the orginal poster. 8 months out, after H and I have truly removed ourselves from their lives, she's singing "that b@stard" (xMM) did this to me tune and her directing her anger at us just added additional humilation to her for being such a fast forgiving fool.

 

As I said, humility will get you farthest in healing after going through a hell like this. Humility for all parties involved.

Isnt that in the cheaters handbook? Don't leave paper trails? I thought so !!

[bentnotbroken]

Isnt that what always happens after D day? My guy got caught many times, moved out 3 times, I am sure he played the game well after he crawedl back home. But after about 7 days, guess where he was standing, at my door AGAIN!! So we made passionate love and cried for hours too. The A continued, and the BS was sitting at home thinking all was well again, till he got caught again, and again. Amazingly she ALWAYS thought this time was the last. The sad thing is the MM usually just go deeper underground, and gaslight the bs even more. But good Luck to you, I think youll NEED it !

 

 

No it isn't always what happens after d-day. It seems like you are laughing at what happened to the BS in your situation. Is that true?

[Athena]

There's nothing to thank the OW for.

And even more importantly, you should be focusing on your WH... it doesn't matter that you are having hot crazy sex with your H now, and OW isn't! Your H can just as easily go out and find himself another new OW... it's HIM you should be focusing on to teach a lesson, not a specific OW...

 

Your H sucks.

He gets to enjoy hot hot sex for putting you through hell.... guess what? In time, when the sex goes back to several times a week... your Mr. H will be up to his old tricks again... why wouldn't he?

 

You know he's got it in him... what's to show you it's out of him? He might be one of those common-or-garden-variety- types of Serial Cheaters.

[OFGnomore]

I know. And normally I don't post on these threads but I couldn't help myself on that one. That was one of the rudest and most arrogant things I've ever read on here...I mean even for an OW that was bad!

 

I feel sorry for her poor husband. She gets to keep her faithful H but look who he gets. Ugh. Disgusting.

 

I knew after I hit the submit key my post would probably get some heated responses, not my intention. I needed to insert an extreme sarcasm icon after my letter to the BW. My point is that the original poster needs to take some time to take her situation in. Both sides, BS and OPs can easily and foolishly gloat away and often times, especially with women, they both have been played a fool. The original poster's letter triggered a "projective" defense on my part and if that was misconstrued I apologize. I read a lot of what xMMs W wrote in the original poster's letter she circulated around the community defending her WH and attacking my H's character for letting the community know about what happened. Really? My H is the *********?

 

And humility is what I have found to help me and H the most in our healing process. But every so often, a trigger hits and the original poster's letter was one of them.

 

Okay I'm done venting, carry on.

[65tr6]

Wow, did you rock my world.

 

OP, you are in shock. When dust settles down and you start thinking "rationally", it WILL be different.

[2sure]

Maybe I'm missing something. I think that if you take away some of the natural anger and the sarcasm ..this poster has honestly and sincerely written what she feels.

 

A spouse having an affair IS a wake up call. For both H and W. Wake up to what you have to lose, wake up to what you have taken for granted, Learn Something, Re-evaluate, all that. Infidelity itself, is not always the deal breaker. The infidelity is a result of something that now needs to be addressed fully. Thats a good wake up call.

 

All of us here know that the poster is feeling fresh pain, competitiveness, and spite. Thats a start. The rest will follow.

 

The post is honest on her part in pointing out once again - most MM are still having sex with their wives regardless of what they tell OW. It is possible this particular affair has not fully stopped or will continue...but either way the marriage sex life is much improved.

[silktricks]

Was this post moved from the OW forum? Because I'm confused that there seems to be rancor about her posting here - and this is the infidelity forum, therefore seems to be the correct place for her to post....

 

Anyway, like 2sure, I understand her post. An affair can make a marriage grow stronger. It can underscore the importance of things many of us fall into taking for granted. The hysterical bonding part is very nice, too. I've no doubt that aeh will move into the anger stage, but each step comes at its own pace.

 

Although someone called her letter snarky, it's snarkiness didn't (IMO) hold a candle to many of the responses from OW here, and that's unfortunate. Just as OW want support when they are in pain, actually so do BS (most especially those who are still reeling from the shock and pain of discovery). No one should dig the knife in deeper, IMO, yet often, it seems that OW feel they have the right to do so to BS, and BS seem to feel they have the right to do so to OW...

[Lyssa]

Was this post moved from the OW forum? Because I'm confused that there seems to be rancor about her posting here - and this is the infidelity forum, therefore seems to be the correct place for her to post....

 

Yes, it was moved from OW/OM board.

[silktricks]

Yes, it was moved from OW/OM board.

 

Ahhhh - that does make a little more sense about the edge to most of the posts.....

[OFGnomore]

No one should dig the knife in deeper, IMO, yet often, it seems that OW feel they have the right to do so to BS, and BS seem to feel they have the right to do so to OW...

 

My point exactly, and usually all 4 parties are sitting around with egg on their faces. There needs to be a "egg on face" icon. I think my situation is rarer though. I'm an OW and a WS. I've seen first hand the pain I caused my H. Horrible. My H held me and xMM equally accountable post disclosure. Although a few facts have helped us along in recovery. Confession 1, No Violation of Marital Residence 2, and that I ended it 3. But the more I learn about As, there's no guarantee if the facts were different the outcome would be different. And the hysterical bonding applies to men too. H wanted to reclaim his W. And looking back, and the context of pain and insecurity that bonding took place in, I can't say that it was improvement in our sex lives. Great sex in the shadow of a disclosure, bittersweet at best. From what I've read, most affairs don't happen because of lack of sex in a marriage and I'm talking about men too, it's a lack of an emotional connection or need on an emotional level. An affair is just a misguided way to solve the problem. I used to post frequently on another site, most OWs don't believe their MMs aren't having sex with their Ws. Many men, sought them out for companionship, romance and connection on an emotional level. But this was a support site for EMRs and most of them were long term, the most being 13 years. Not the it's the wife's fault per se, but the couple's for not managing real life in a way the allowed for this type of connection.

 

And FWIW, I noticed the men that post don't take a beating when they call a BS or a OW a fool often or maybe I haven't read here long enough. Geeze do men just get to sit back and be spectators to all this? Even if some are half the problem? That's a sad state of affairs.

[silktricks]

My point exactly, and usually all 4 parties are sitting around with egg on their faces. There needs to be a "egg on face" icon. I think my situation is rarer though. I'm an OW and a WS. I've seen first hand the pain I caused my H. Horrible. My H held me and xMM equally accountable post disclosure. Although a few facts have helped us along in recovery. Confession 1, No Violation of Marital Residence 2, and that I ended it 3. But the more I learn about As, there's no guarantee if the facts were different the outcome would be different. And the hysterical bonding applies to men too. H wanted to reclaim his W. And looking back, and the context of pain and insecurity that bonding took place in, I can't say that it was improvement in our sex lives. Great sex in the shadow of a disclosure, bittersweet at best. From what I've read, most affairs don't happen because of lack of sex in a marriage and I'm talking about men too, it's a lack of an emotional connection or need on an emotional level. An affair is just a misguided way to solve the problem. I used to post frequently on another site, most OWs don't believe their MMs aren't having sex with their Ws. Many men, sought them out for companionship, romance and connection on an emotional level. But this was a support site for EMRs and most of them were long term, the most being 13 years. Not the it's the wife's fault per se, but the couple's for not managing real life in a way the allowed for this type of connection.

 

And FWIW, I noticed the men that post don't take a beating when they call a BS or a OW a fool often or maybe I haven't read here long enough. Geeze do men just get to sit back and be spectators to all this? Even if some are half the problem? That's a sad state of affairs.

 

I'm 5+ years post affair. Sometimes I post here a lot, sometimes not at all... The hysterical bonding part is long past for us, but we've always had a very active sex life. Even when separated... ... and as you say, the idea that affairs are all about sex is simply not accurate - affairs are about unmet needs. When the unmet need is sex - then the affair is about sex.

 

Men don't get to "sit back and be spectators", and there are some very active male posters on this site. The men who tend to not stick around are those who are either completely unrepentant about the affair and/or the men who cheated and went back to their wives and have nothing good to say about the OW. Both of those "types" seem to get a beating and don't last here for very long.

[MistyK]

Although someone called her letter snarky, it's snarkiness didn't (IMO) hold a candle to many of the responses from OW here, and that's unfortunate. Just as OW want support when they are in pain, actually so do BS (most especially those who are still reeling from the shock and pain of discovery). No one should dig the knife in deeper, IMO, yet often, it seems that OW feel they have the right to do so to BS, and BS seem to feel they have the right to do so to OW...

 

She wasn't looking for support by posting in the OW/OM forum. That much ought to be crystal clear. And form the total lack of responses by the OP since then, it would appaer the post was misdirected grenade - drop the bomb and run, knowing it won't hit the real target (the specific OW in her scenario). Lord knows the woman needs some support, and bless all you who can turn the other cheek and provide it when it really looked like all she was looking to do is pick a fight.

[Spark1111]

Some call it hysterical bonding, some call it reclaiming, and in therapy, my WS and I have both learned it is a good thing, in that its intensity and duration is a great indicator for how much love still exists between the couple.

 

The longer it lasts can be a great indicator of the effort both WS and BS will put into the reconcilliation process. And yes, almost losing something of value can be a wake up call for a couple.

 

Let's all be happy for aeh now. It is a great first phase. Enjoy!

[aeh]

Ummm...wow, thanks guys for all of those lovely replies. I truly wasn't trying to be snarky in my OP, although upon reading it I guess it can be construed that way. You're right on many levels. It was therapeutic for me to write that because in my more lucid moments (ha! are there any??!) that's the way I feel. I do see that we can grow from this. And, hey, even though I did just find out two weeks ago, don't think the anger hasn't set in. It's there definitely. DEFINITELY. In fact, anger seems too nice a word for it...LOL

 

You're also right in that he did go to hotels with her (of course, the repeated denials, etc) and to her home. BTW, she is married, too and met her for lunch trysts ,early morning rendevous, and after work quickies. More of the trickle truth came out last night, thanks in part to your posts...which I did enjoy reading even if they were all pitying me or angry at me. I truly don't have any anger with the OW. I mean, I don't want to go be her friend or anything, but she's not the one I have the beef with. She has no committment to me, she doesn't know me from Adam....so really none of my feelings are directed at her.

 

Before you all think I am a naive (aren't we all in the beginning?) and doting wife who will blindly trust him again, I can tell you I won't. That doesn't mean that at some point we can't be stronger. In some ways, I already think we are...but I won't blindly trust him again. Innocence is gone. I'm hearing all of the usual apologies, he's practically my servant/slave right now, etc.

 

I do hope some good comes from this...and I can kind of see that possibility exists IF we let this make it stronger. The ball is in my court, he keeps telling me, he'll spend the rest of his life trying to make this up to me, he hates himself for allowing this to go on, etc. You know the drill...