Thank you to the OW (kind of)

[NOTSURE7]

first he must choose ic but also he must actually want to do it and be honest, after my w caught my gambling i went to ic but it was all nonsense, i wasnt honest and was only there to please my W and tell her about my session, my point is even if he goes make sure he is actually doing it for himself and being open and honest,you should also think about being brought into his sessions from time to time so you can know.otherwise he might just blow smoke to appease you.

[aeh]

H has called two marriage counselors today and finally got one on the phone and wants to see her immediately, tomorrow, even if it means son missing athletic event (so you know this is BIG! lol).

[MistyK]

H has called two marriage counselors today and finally got one on the phone and wants to see her immediately, tomorrow, even if it means son missing athletic event (so you know this is BIG! lol).

 

So, how'd it go? Did you get in with a MC?

[Andy L]

Yes I have school age children.

 

 

 

OFGnomore,

 

1) How long married when you started the affair?

 

2) Did your hubby have any affair before yours?

 

3) Was there any change with your hubby in sexual contacts after you confessed him?

(I mean he thinking about your affair while having sex with you - this kind of troubles...)?

[aeh]

The MC went well. She thought we were clearly in love with each other, seemed extremely well adjusted and I remarkably calm. H was very emotional, I only at times. Guess we will be going back. At this point, I am not wanting to put a lot of work into it (hey, I'm not the one who messed things up here....although not saying I am perfect in the M) and feel like HE should be the one making more effort than me. Have seen how easy it would be to go into sideways behavior, if I let myself. What stage comes after anger?

[Athena]

What stage comes after anger?

 

The Grief Cycle

 

"<<<The Grief Cycle can be shown as (in the stages) below, indicating the roller-coaster ride of activity and passivity as the person wriggles and turns in their desperate efforts to avoid the change.>>>"

 

This is copy and pasted from: (there's more to read there)

http://changingminds.org/disciplines/change_management/kubler_ross/kubler_ross.htm

 

"<<<This emotional cycle was not exclusive just to the terminally ill, but also other people who were affected by bad news, such as losing their jobs or otherwise being negatively affected by change. The important factor is not that the change is good or bad, but that they perceive it as a significantly negative event.>>>"

 

Shock stage: Initial paralysis at hearing the bad news.

*

 

Denial stage: Trying to avoid the inevitable.

*

 

Anger stage: Frustrated outpouring of bottled-up emotion.

*

 

Bargaining stage: Seeking in vain for a way out.

*

 

Depression stage: Final realization of the inevitable.

*

 

Testing stage: Seeking realistic solutions.

*

 

Acceptance stage: Finally finding the way forward.

[Toodamnpragmatic]

I'll be nasty and again probably live up to my monicker..... but I am most amazed that they are having sex 2-3X's a day since the revelation. Yes I am obsessed (may be a slight overstatement) with sex and what is normal and maybe what to expect in a marriage after a # of years.

 

Thus when the OP immediately talks about the frequency and intensity, I can only think wow, what a lucky guy.

 

I can also tell you that the affair may also be the only way the spouse could get a wake up call, especially if as I will guess the main problem was sex.

 

I can tell you reading posts here and honestly in my life, 90% of issues can be resolved by sex (of course not talking about issues with children, parents, finances, work, career...). But knowing you have a caring spouse and intimacy can make things so much better, relax you and put a smile on your face...

[aeh]

Toodamnpragmatic,

 

You think you're amazed...so am I! You're right, a definite wake-up call. I think the lessons I am imparting from all this pain are:

 

Never take your marriage for granted

Sex is very very important to BOTH partners (don't think I would have said this before...more that sex was important for HIM. But I do see how it connects us on a deeper level, keeps us close and intimate)

You can never be lackadaisical in your marriage

You always have to be working at it

 

I feel like I have covered all of the grief steps in only three weeks. I'm sure I will revisit them all many many many times. We have discussed EVERYTHING under the sun, talking constantly about "us", what got us here, what we want out of it, what we don't want, things we should want but don't, things we shouldn't want but do, every extrapolation you can imagine. I guess I feel like we had a really strong foundation. Yes, this has ROCKED my world after fifteen years together. And I must admit, those first few days, it was definitely the kids keeping me here. But we also strangely scheduled things that were our normal way of doing things---hosting dinner parties, going out with friends, etc and I think with that sense of obligation, putting the best face forward, that helped some....it provided some normalcy in our strange new world. There are lots of triggers around--the darn mobile phone, for one; Asian girls, restaurants, the lunch hour (!!).

 

But it is also strange to see my H talking so much about his feelings and talking about us constantly, totally his stream of consciousness ALL the time. Not that he was a stand-off guy or couldn't emote before, but it's a whole new level of confiding. I guess because everything was/is on the table.

[OFGnomore]

There are lots of triggers around--the darn mobile phone, for one; Asian girls, restaurants, the lunch hour (!!).

 

But it is also strange to see my H talking so much about his feelings and talking about us constantly, totally his stream of consciousness ALL the time. Not that he was a stand-off guy or couldn't emote before, but it's a whole new level of confiding. I guess because everything was/is on the table.

 

AEH,

 

Did you H's affair get out? Is his xOP local?

 

It's been about a month since D day right?

 

Trying to put your situation into context.

[angie2443]

I can tell you reading posts here and honestly in my life, 90% of issues can be resolved by sex (of course not talking about issues with children, parents, finances, work, career...). But knowing you have a caring spouse and intimacy can make things so much better, relax you and put a smile on your face...

 

This doesn't make sense to me. You state that 90% of issues can be resolved by sex but say your not talking about issues regarding "children, parents, finances, work, career". What else is there? Aren't these some of the main issues that come up in relationships? Maybe I'm just reading your post wrong.

[Toodamnpragmatic]

Toodamnpragmatic,

 

You think you're amazed...so am I! You're right, a definite wake-up call. I think the lessons I am imparting from all this pain are:

 

Never take your marriage for granted

Sex is very very important to BOTH partners (don't think I would have said this before...more that sex was important for HIM. But I do see how it connects us on a deeper level, keeps us close and intimate)

You can never be lackadaisical in your marriage

You always have to be working at it

 

I feel like I have covered all of the grief steps in only three weeks. I'm sure I will revisit them all many many many times. We have discussed EVERYTHING under the sun, talking constantly about "us", what got us here, what we want out of it, what we don't want, things we should want but don't, things we shouldn't want but do, every extrapolation you can imagine. I guess I feel like we had a really strong foundation. Yes, this has ROCKED my world after fifteen years together. And I must admit, those first few days, it was definitely the kids keeping me here. But we also strangely scheduled things that were our normal way of doing things---hosting dinner parties, going out with friends, etc and I think with that sense of obligation, putting the best face forward, that helped some....it provided some normalcy in our strange new world. There are lots of triggers around--the darn mobile phone, for one; Asian girls, restaurants, the lunch hour (!!).

 

But it is also strange to see my H talking so much about his feelings and talking about us constantly, totally his stream of consciousness ALL the time. Not that he was a stand-off guy or couldn't emote before, but it's a whole new level of confiding. I guess because everything was/is on the table.

 

So I have not read the entire thread, but did the issues that led to the affair revolve around "lack of sex" and felling "neglected"?

 

I ask simply, because the neglected part is corrected by sex as is most issues in marriage.

[angie2443]

So I have not read the entire thread, but did the issues that led to the affair revolve around "lack of sex" and felling "neglected"?

 

I ask simply, because the neglected part is corrected by sex as is most issues in marriage.

 

What are issues are you talking about here?

[Toodamnpragmatic]

This doesn't make sense to me. You state that 90% of issues can be resolved by sex but say your not talking about issues regarding "children, parents, finances, work, career". What else is there? Aren't these some of the main issues that come up in relationships? Maybe I'm just reading your post wrong.

 

 

I'm saying what leads to an affair. Those other issues are what every family has to deal with every day. You have to understand that and be strong enough to work through them. Having a good intimacy/sex life at least shows that you are committed as a couple to working through them. If you spend your time arguing about those other issues (will add cleaning, laundry, chores), you will shake your head, wonder what you are doing in this partnership/marriage outside for the kids. Tell me otherwise....

[aeh]

Yes, lack of sex was his "justification" for the A. As in once every two weeks or so (we're approx 40 so not that old). He felt rejected and it probably was like that for a couple of years, at least. His xOP is local, used to work with him, doesn't anymore.

[aeh]

The A did not get out. It has been about three weeks since D-day. Wow, have we been through a LOT in three weeks. Talking almost round the clock, all night sometimes, him coming home at lunch, getting home early, etc as well.

[OFGnomore]

Yes, lack of sex was his "justification" for the A. As in once every two weeks or so (we're approx 40 so not that old). He felt rejected and it probably was like that for a couple of years, at least. His xOP is local, used to work with him, doesn't anymore.

 

She's local? Is that what you meant by triggers? Do you see her? In some ways getting it exposed is good, it keeps WS on the up and up, but...it can complicate the healing process if a WS cannot get their priorities in order.

[aeh]

No, I don't see her. Don't know what she looks like other than she's Asian and a few years younger than me. She lives in a suburb of our city, about a twenty five minute drive. I wouldn't know her if she was standing next to me. We were invited to her Christmas party though (her husband would be there, of course) while the A was going on although I obviously didn't know about it at the time.

[Toodamnpragmatic]

The A did not get out. It has been about three weeks since D-day. Wow, have we been through a LOT in three weeks. Talking almost round the clock, all night sometimes, him coming home at lunch, getting home early, etc as well.

 

I'm happy you are so mature about it. Sometimes finding out can be cathartic and the best thing that can happen. Wishing you the best of luck....

[Snowflower]

aeh, I'm glad your marriage is improving so quickly. I know there will be naysayers who would be suspicious of such a quick turnaround in your husband and in your marriage, but in some cases it is possible. This is what happened in my marriage last year.

 

Perhaps your marriage was still strong enough that like you said, it rocked the foundation but it still held.

 

Your reconciliation sounds similar to my own and at 3 weeks after d-day, my posts would have sounded similar to how yours do here. It has now been 7.5 months since our d-day and we are doing very well. So it is possible and I have a lot of hope for you and your husband.

 

An affair can be a huge wake-up call or a catharsis just like you mentioned. I have compared my husband's affair to a forest fire-probably because we live in the mountains! A forest fire clears out all the dead and fallen trees but the strongest, healthiest trees often survive the fire. This is like what happened in our marriage - the strongest things, like our love for each other, survived. The dead "bad" stuff, the baggage that every marriage has was cleared out (again, like the forest fire), leaving us with the elemental bonds between us where we could rebuild, very quickly as it turned out. My husband and I have learned so much and how we will never let our marriage fall into such a vulnerable state.

 

I'm glad to hear you're doing MC--we did this too. It will be so helpful in your marital recovery. Good luck!

[choklit]

Good for you. I am married and the OW and I was having sex with my husband enough also, just to keep his suspicions at bay. Hopefully your H has changed and will not engage in another affair.

[aeh]

Thanks for your words, Toodamn, and snowflower. They are encouraging. I know some of the stuff I have written, if I were looking at it from the outside, I would think, "Yeah, this woman has blinders on," or "Boy, is she naive!" But I honestly feel kinda ok. I always said I would leave someone if they ever cheated on me. It was a deal-breaker. And honestly, if it weren't for the kids, I am sure in my state of anger those first few days I would have been gone, or I would have had him leave. But routine has kept our feet on the ground and us moving forward in this very chaotic time.

[OFGnomore]

Thanks for your words, Toodamn, and snowflower. They are encouraging. I know some of the stuff I have written, if I were looking at it from the outside, I would think, "Yeah, this woman has blinders on," or "Boy, is she naive!" But I honestly feel kinda ok. I always said I would leave someone if they ever cheated on me. It was a deal-breaker. And honestly, if it weren't for the kids, I am sure in my state of anger those first few days I would have been gone, or I would have had him leave. But routine has kept our feet on the ground and us moving forward in this very chaotic time.

 

AEH, your 3 weeks post disclosure. Snowflower 8 months post disclosure. Everything I read tells/told me it takes quite a while to recover fully from infidelity. I don't mean to be a naysayer, but throw my pastor and "Not Just Friends" into the naysayer group too. I too am 8 months out and we still have difficult times. It's something we talk about every day and I really don't believe people "just cheat". I think affairs have meaning, a pretty deep meaning and most likey nothing to do with the AP. YMMV though. (Your Mileage May Vary)

[Toodamnpragmatic]

for many people..... The fact they feel unappreciated at home. That can be as simple as little intimacy and lack of attention.

 

Are there other reasons for Affairs, are there serial cheaters, are people just restless and will do it over and over???? Sure, but if you have a good marriage, loving spouse and have let your marriage deteriorate, I do believe you can get past it and easily rebuild the marriage.

[Snowflower]

for many people..... The fact they feel unappreciated at home. That can be as simple as little intimacy and lack of attention.

 

Are there other reasons for Affairs, are there serial cheaters, are people just restless and will do it over and over???? Sure, but if you have a good marriage, loving spouse and have let your marriage deteriorate, I do believe you can get past it and easily rebuild the marriage.

 

I agree!

 

Of course, there are always underlying reasons for an affair. MC, reading, lots of talking between the couple can help identify these reasons and help the spouses involved how to overcome these reasons and build a better marriage. A true understanding of why the affair happened can also help inoculate both spouses from another affair.

 

At 8 months out, yes, my husband and I are still recovering. I have difficult moments. But I am more hopeful for the future of our marriage now than I ever was before his affair. Before his affair, we were just co-existing in a comfortable partnership. Now we have realized the value of each other and our marriage. This is a much better place to be, IMO, than just co-existing. The affair was a very painful wake-up call for both of us.

[Toodamnpragmatic]

I agree!

 

Of course, there are always underlying reasons for an affair. MC, reading, lots of talking between the couple can help identify these reasons and help the spouses involved how to overcome these reasons and build a better marriage. A true understanding of why the affair happened can also help inoculate both spouses from another affair.

 

At 8 months out, yes, my husband and I are still recovering. I have difficult moments. But I am more hopeful for the future of our marriage now than I ever was before his affair. Before his affair, we were just co-existing in a comfortable partnership. Now we have realized the value of each other and our marriage. This is a much better place to be, IMO, than just co-existing. The affair was a very painful wake-up call for both of us.

 

 

Sure you can have a happy marriage and tell everyone how good things are, while at the same time co-existing and concentrating on those everyday issues I have brought up.

 

But then you have a fight, one feels unappreciated and you are in a low ebb and an affair or the OW/OM looks awfully appealing, especially as I harp on if intimacy is missing.

 

Let you in about affairs.... It has to do with SEX..... None or much too little at home and one will look elsewhere if they have the gumption, guts, willingness and time. Don't care to discuss emotional affairs....