Thank you to the OW (kind of)

[OpenBook]

Let you in about affairs.... It has to do with SEX..... None or much too little at home and one will look elsewhere if they have the gumption, guts, willingness and time. Don't care to discuss emotional affairs....

 

Pragmatic, just out of curiosity, may I ask why not? Is it because you don't believe in them - no such thing? Or do you feel unqualified to discuss them - "not your area" of expertise? Or is this a typical guy thing, and discussing emotions makes you... squirrelly?

 

Reason why I ask is, I'm not convinced that renewing a fabulous sex life inside a marriage will prevent a straying H from doing it again, sometime in the future. I'm glad for the letter-writer in the OP's OP... but I'm not convinced it's a happily-ever-after scenario.

[Toodamnpragmatic]

Pragmatic, just out of curiosity, may I ask why not? Is it because you don't believe in them - no such thing? Or do you feel unqualified to discuss them - "not your area" of expertise? Or is this a typical guy thing, and discussing emotions makes you... squirrelly?

 

Reason why I ask is, I'm not convinced that renewing a fabulous sex life inside a marriage will prevent a straying H from doing it again, sometime in the future. I'm glad for the letter-writer in the OP's OP... but I'm not convinced it's a happily-ever-after scenario.

 

The only reason a man will have an EA, is because he wants a full blown one. Men are not like women, who we all expect to be to some degree like those in "Sex and the City" and talk their feelings out.

 

Men either suck it up or go to counseling. If they do find a woman and express those feelings, then it would be a friend and if it progresses, then there is an Affair.... Sure you can worry he is too close to a woman, but that is only because he wants an Affair, otherwise why bother. If he is with them it is to talk about things he can't with a male.... If he crosses that line, talking about deeply personal things he can't with you, it is because he wants the physical.

 

If you read my prior post, you may be right about straying again, but that is because it is in them and that is what they want to do. However if you present a good home life, separate the everyday roller coaster of pressures from sex, I promise you the chance of cheating is reduced 95%......

[angie2443]

Reason why I ask is, I'm not convinced that renewing a fabulous sex life inside a marriage will prevent a straying H from doing it again, sometime in the future. I'm glad for the letter-writer in the OP's OP... but I'm not convinced it's a happily-ever-after scenario.

 

I agree with this. From my experience, sex was not an issue at home. My husband did not have a PA, but had what I consider an EA with a woman he was friends with before I met him. I will not go into detail as this is not my thread, but will say that looking back on things, the EA began to exist in a large part because I became a door mat and he was having problems adjusting to a new baby at home. Our coping skills for issues that popped up in the marriage were not good. I'm sure that some men/women stray because of sexual problems at home, but I actually think these situations are the minority. I think that more people stray because it is more simple to turn outside the marriage than work on the problems at home.

 

I wish the best for the OP regardless of how I think this situation might work out.

[Snowflower]

Sure you can have a happy marriage and tell everyone how good things are, while at the same time co-existing and concentrating on those everyday issues I have brought up.

 

But then you have a fight, one feels unappreciated and you are in a low ebb and an affair or the OW/OM looks awfully appealing, especially as I harp on if intimacy is missing.

 

Let you in about affairs.... It has to do with SEX..... None or much too little at home and one will look elsewhere if they have the gumption, guts, willingness and time. Don't care to discuss emotional affairs....

 

Co-existing is how I would describe my marriage pre-affair. It is not like that now. That was the point I was getting at.

 

The reasons men and women cheat are varied depending on the individual. Sure, for some it is for purely for sex but for others it is the emotional connection-at least initially. Sex usually follows though if the emotional connection becomes important enough-so maybe you are right, TDP, that affairs are usually about sex.

[Toodamnpragmatic]

Co-existing is how I would describe my marriage pre-affair. It is not like that now. That was the point I was getting at.

 

The reasons men and women cheat are varied depending on the individual. Sure, for some it is for purely for sex but for others it is the emotional connection-at least initially. Sex usually follows though if the emotional connection becomes important enough-so maybe you are right, TDP, that affairs are usually about sex.

 

But the "emotional connection" is so you can have the affair and feel that you "earned it" (bad words).

 

Of course there are some who just want multiple partners and sex.... Those are different and they will continue to have affairs.

[aeh]

I like reading everyone's posts. I am a bit curious as to why so many, or at least a few, posters don't have much hope for my M based on my posts. It is hard to convey in my posts about the relationship that my H and I have. However, I am not so naive to think this will be smooth sailing. We have endured a lot together, moved all over the world, etc. I am just curious if there is something that I am missing that you all see that I don't.

[OpenBook]

Well I don't know if you're referring to my posts, aeh, but FWIW, my perspective is that the sexual infidelity - as painful as it is to the BS - is just a symptom of other problems in the M, and/or within the CS. Unless those problems are addressed and resolved, the CS is likely to continue to seek relief outside the M, once the dust settles... no matter how fantastic the sex is at home.

 

But I also realize that each situation, each M is different. And you know your own M - and your own H - better than anyone else on the planet. Certainly better than anyone here!

[OFGnomore]

And you know your own M - and your own H - better than anyone else on the planet. Certainly better than anyone here!

 

But does a BS, know their WS or their M? I think most BS would know their spouses as faithful yet, the WS stepped out. The hard reality my H faced was he didn't know me. (Look at NS7s oodles of pages how his W doesn't know him, but if you asked her prior to his confession she's probably say she knows her H well.) H had to get to reknow me as someone who had the capability to be unfaithful. I think it's the acceptance of this by the BS and I think it takes TIME that shows the true prognosis of the M. My pastor warned be about the tendancy to get things back too normal quickly, sweep the A under the rug. Many people he advised want to avoid pain, and the hard work of rebuilding - a truly intimate M, you have to mourn the loss of what you thought your M was to move forward to something new. To truly heal, IMO and from what I read takes time and adjustment. Anything less, IMO, means your back to the same emotionally "superficial" marriage you had before the affair with the needs, desires and issues being unmet by the relationship. And most often their is some serious iternal work that needs to be done by the WS for issues unrelated to the M.

[OFGnomore]

We have endured a lot together, moved all over the world, etc. I am just curious if there is something that I am missing that you all see that I don't.

 

For me, moving all over the world would be a cake walk than to find out someone I truly loved betrayed me by infidelity. Physical and emotional.

[aeh]

Yes, you're right, OFG. I would say anything is a cake walk compared to discovery of the A. But my point was that we have had to survive completely away from friends and family for many years, relying on just the two of us and our kids. I do take some blame, maybe a lot of it, for the A (though I DON'T EXCUSE it!), for the lack of sex. And I perhaps haven't been as appreciative in the last year as I should have been. In fact, at times I am sure I was very hard to live with and couple that with a lack of sex....well then, it doesn't seem so hard to discover why someone would stray. However, I would still say that we are very close, emotionally intimate, even though I had some "ungrateful" issues. The past year has been a bit of turmoil for us. So, as much as I hate to be the one to feel like I have to work on things (that immature side of me that wants to say that I don't want to reward him for his bad behavior), I clearly have to re-evaluate my actions. But I do think we have a VERY STRONG foundation to build on.

[Dexter Morgan]

But does a BS, know their WS or their M? I think most BS would know their spouses as faithful yet, the WS stepped out. The hard reality my H faced was he didn't know me. (Look at NS7s oodles of pages how his W doesn't know him, but if you asked her prior to his confession she's probably say she knows her H well.) H had to get to reknow me as someone who had the capability to be unfaithful.

 

and do you think your H is settling in life knowing that he has to accept this fact?

[OFGnomore]

and do you think your H is settling in life knowing that he has to accept this fact?

I made a mistake. I confessed and doing my personal work to grow and understand how as someone who said they could never be unfaithful was indeed such. As I said before, I took my husbands freedom when I chose to do what I did. He has the freedom to choose now with all information. Whether he's settling is his decision, that is not mine to make for him. I think he'd think he's settling if I kept it up or had no remorse, or if he didn't see the concrete changes or actions on my part after I disclosed the affair. And by no means has he even uttered the words forgiveness, which to me is understandable. Honestly, I knew he won't give it up so freely and quickly. And if he did, it would diminish my view of him.

[OFGnomore]

Yes, you're right, OFG. I would say anything is a cake walk compared to discovery of the A. But my point was that we have had to survive completely away from friends and family for many years, relying on just the two of us and our kids. I do take some blame, maybe a lot of it, for the A (though I DON'T EXCUSE it!), for the lack of sex. And I perhaps haven't been as appreciative in the last year as I should have been. In fact, at times I am sure I was very hard to live with and couple that with a lack of sex....well then, it doesn't seem so hard to discover why someone would stray. However, I would still say that we are very close, emotionally intimate, even though I had some "ungrateful" issues. The past year has been a bit of turmoil for us. So, as much as I hate to be the one to feel like I have to work on things (that immature side of me that wants to say that I don't want to reward him for his bad behavior), I clearly have to re-evaluate my actions. But I do think we have a VERY STRONG foundation to build on.

 

This is just my opinion, affairs don't happen in marriages with strong foundations. Not that you couldn't build one post dday. You cannot convince me otherwise that lying and betrayal (for a year and getting caught) take place in marriages with strong foundations. IMO, the sooner a couple realizes that the A was a sympton of a larger problem, not just a small blip on the radar, the better the chances for a true intimate M. But that's not everyone's goal in M and that's okay, but it's my goal.

[NOTSURE7]

This is just my opinion, affairs don't happen in marriages with strong foundations. Not that you couldn't build one post dday. You cannot convince me otherwise that lying and betrayal (for a year and getting caught) take place in marriages with strong foundations. IMO, the sooner a couple realizes that the A was a sympton of a larger problem, not just a small blip on the radar, the better the chances for a true intimate M. But that's not everyone's goal in M and that's okay, but it's my goal.

 

i agree..i took my wo for granted,we seemed like we had it all but obviously something was wrong.it has only been a week but me and w have had more intimate moments than we had in our 11 years, i have a rough road ahaead but sometimes it takes something like this to grow your m stronger.

[Dexter Morgan]

I made a mistake.

 

 

no, you made a piss poor choice.....not a mistake.

 

but hey, it is what it is.

 

 

I confessed and doing my personal work to grow and understand how as someone who said they could never be unfaithful was indeed such. As I said before, I took my husbands freedom when I chose to do what I did. He has the freedom to choose now with all information. Whether he's settling is his decision, that is not mine to make for him.

 

thats true.

 

 

 

I think he'd think he's settling if I kept it up or had no remorse, or if he didn't see the concrete changes or actions on my part after I disclosed the affair.

 

I can buy this. one thing that always lingers in the back of my mind though is, now one of you has gone outside the marriage while the other has not.

No, not suggesting he do the same to even the playing field....but it is an imbalance that I think weighs on all BS's mind, some just don't think about it on a daily basis and if they do, its kind of a passing thought...nothing some might dwell on.

 

 

And by no means has he even uttered the words forgiveness, which to me is understandable. Honestly, I knew he won't give it up so freely and quickly. And if he did, it would diminish my view of him.

 

?? huh? you cheat...but YOUR view of HIM would diminish if he forgave rather easily?

[Dexter Morgan]

This is just my opinion, affairs don't happen in marriages with strong foundations. Not that you couldn't build one post dday. You cannot convince me otherwise that lying and betrayal (for a year and getting caught) take place in marriages with strong foundations. IMO, the sooner a couple realizes that the A was a sympton of a larger problem, not just a small blip on the radar, the better the chances for a true intimate M. But that's not everyone's goal in M and that's okay, but it's my goal.

 

so your goal is to use your affair as sort of emotional extortion??

[MistyK]

so your goal is to use your affair as sort of emotional extortion??

 

Dex, Why oh why must you read malevolence into every single post from a cheater or an OW?

 

OFG never said that. Frankly, I think what she said is rather true. Underlying problems that aren't dealt with lead to A's. And sometimes people gloss over the problems in the M when an A is discovered, and guess what? Another A happens. OFG is apparently willing to do the real work to prevent that from happening in her M; I don't think there's any emotional extortion in that.

[Dexter Morgan]

Dex, Why oh why must you read malevolence into every single post from a cheater or an OW?

 

OFG never said that. Frankly, I think what she said is rather true. Underlying problems that aren't dealt with lead to A's. And sometimes people gloss over the problems in the M when an A is discovered, and guess what? Another A happens. OFG is apparently willing to do the real work to prevent that from happening in her M; I don't think there's any emotional extortion in that.

 

This is what was said: "IMO, the sooner a couple realizes that the A was a sympton of a larger problem"

 

The AFFAIR was a symptom of a larger problem. To me this says, "I had an affair because of problems in the marriage." this is basically saying, "its your fault because I was the one that messed around"

 

I've said it many times. I had problems being neglected in my marriage, but you didn't see me going out and sticking to another woman.

 

Sure, I'll give you all that...that if there is a problem in the marriage, then it needs to be dealt with. but the affair part wouldn't happen if the cheater didn't have a sense of entitlement.

[MistyK]

The AFFAIR was a symptom of a larger problem. To me this says, "I had an affair because of problems in the marriage." this is basically saying, "its your fault because I was the one that messed around"

 

No, she didn't say that at all. You read the extra meaning into it, she never implied it was anyone's fault but her own that she had an A. She isn't blaming her H. Somewhere along the line people have to acknowledge that A's don't happen in a vacuum. Is it unfortunate that WS's choose to have an A rather than work on the M, sure. But that doesn't change the fact that there were problems that needed to be dealt with and unless they are dealt with after the A is discovered, it's quite likely another A will ensue.

[Snowflower]

I like reading everyone's posts. I am a bit curious as to why so many, or at least a few, posters don't have much hope for my M based on my posts. It is hard to convey in my posts about the relationship that my H and I have. However, I am not so naive to think this will be smooth sailing. We have endured a lot together, moved all over the world, etc. I am just curious if there is something that I am missing that you all see that I don't.

 

 

I think the perception is when a BS spouse says that things are better than they ever were before and that healing is occurring early in recovery is that the affair is somehow being swept under the rug. Or the real issues that led to the affair are not being addressed.

 

My marriage is also recovering quickly after my husband's affair for a lot of reasons that I won't go into here (too long). But in a nutshell, his was a shallow, brief affair, which makes it easier for ME to deal with, and that it was a real wake-up call for both of us to what our marriage really meant to us.

 

Like OFG mentioned, the hard work that has to be done to recover a marriage can't be short-circuited or by-passed. This period of healing, rediscovery and growing intimacy is essential to building a new marriage. However, recovery times are different for each couple. Some need lots of counseling, others do not. Some marriages take years to recover, some take a few months.There is no set amount of time or a particular formula that has to be followed.

 

Perhaps this is why some couples can and do recover much faster.

 

While the damage and destruction caused by affairs is pretty similar across the board, the way each couple and marital relationship deals with damage varies.

[OFGnomore]

I think the perception is when a BS spouse says that things are better than they ever were before and that healing is occurring early in recovery is that the affair is somehow being swept under the rug. Or the real issues that led to the affair are not being addressed.

 

My marriage is also recovering quickly after my husband's affair for a lot of reasons that I won't go into here (too long). But in a nutshell, his was a shallow, brief affair, which makes it easier for ME to deal with, and that it was a real wake-up call for both of us to what our marriage really meant to us.

 

Like OFG mentioned, the hard work that has to be done to recover a marriage can't be short-circuited or by-passed. This period of healing, rediscovery and growing intimacy is essential to building a new marriage. However, recovery times are different for each couple. Some need lots of counseling, others do not. Some marriages take years to recover, some take a few months.There is no set amount of time or a particular formula that has to be followed.

 

Perhaps this is why some couples can and do recover much faster.

 

While the damage and destruction caused by affairs is pretty similar across the board, the way each couple and marital relationship deals with damage varies.

 

My SIL was unfaithful, similar to your H, 1x, lasted a month. When she confessed 8 years later. H forgave pretty quickly but 3 years later, the anger came "out of nowhere". It then took them a few years to "really" deal with things. The stories are plentiful and varied.

 

And one final note SF, your situation is quite different, your H confessed AEH's did not, your H's affair was a ONS, AEH's was a year of deception with sex 2/3 times a week and he was busted.

[OFGnomore]

no, you made a piss poor choice.....not a mistake.

 

but hey, it is what it is.

 

 

 

 

thats true.

 

 

 

 

 

I can buy this. one thing that always lingers in the back of my mind though is, now one of you has gone outside the marriage while the other has not.

No, not suggesting he do the same to even the playing field....but it is an imbalance that I think weighs on all BS's mind, some just don't think about it on a daily basis and if they do, its kind of a passing thought...nothing some might dwell on.

 

 

 

 

?? huh? you cheat...but YOUR view of HIM would diminish if he forgave rather easily?

I meant it would be "cheap forgiveness" in my opinion and come from some other motivation than trying to solve the marriage problems.

[Toodamnpragmatic]

But my point was that we have had to survive completely away from friends and family for many years, relying on just the two of us and our kids. I do take some blame, maybe a lot of it, for the A (though I DON'T EXCUSE it!), for the lack of sex. And I perhaps haven't been as appreciative in the last year as I should have been. In fact, at times I am sure I was very hard to live with and couple that with a lack of sex....well then, it doesn't seem so hard to discover why someone would stray. However, I would still say that we are very close, emotionally intimate, even though I had some "ungrateful" issues. The past year has been a bit of turmoil for us. So, as much as I hate to be the one to feel like I have to work on things (that immature side of me that wants to say that I don't want to reward him for his bad behavior), I clearly have to re-evaluate my actions. But I do think we have a VERY STRONG foundation to build on.

 

Bang on.... You say it over and over again and people seem to miss it.... You both can be a pain in the ass, have fights and stresses.... But take away the intimacy and I promise you, someone will be grumbling in the corner and wondering whether it is at all worth it.....

[Dexter Morgan]

I do take some blame, maybe a lot of it, for the A

 

the blame for the affair lies COMPLETELY with you.

 

you can take some, maybe alot of the "blame" for the state of your marriage. But the despicable decision to go out and screw someone else is ALL yours.

 

 

(though I DON'T EXCUSE it!), for the lack of sex.

 

I had a lack of sex with my M, should I have gone out and gotten it from other women?

 

 

 

And I perhaps haven't been as appreciative in the last year as I should have been. In fact, at times I am sure I was very hard to live with and couple that with a lack of sex....well then, it doesn't seem so hard to discover why someone would stray.

 

thought you said you weren't excusing it.....you just did. ya ya...I know, you'll come back and say you didn't. basically you are saying here that its understandable, therefore assigning a reason...hence and excuse.

 

and if you were hard to live with, did it occur to you that the lack of sex might have come from your attitude?

 

For example, I can't see myself wanting sex with a woman that henpecks or browbeats me all the time. Otherwise, I'd just be having sex for the sake of having sex with no emotion behind it.

 

so since you just excused your cheating due to lack of sex.....what would you do if because of what you did you find out your husband went out and got some on the side too?

 

cuz if cheating is understandable because of lack of sex...then being cheated on is a reason that is understandable too.....no?

[aeh]

Hey, Dex-

 

I am the BS here, not the cheater!!!!