LDR Posted July 6, 2009 Share Posted July 6, 2009 Hi! Ive been in a LDR with someone from a different continent for more than 1 year. Yesterday was my B-day and he didnt do anything special for me: no card, no phone call. . . we just spoke on MSN as we usually do. Im curious to find out if your SO, specially those who live in different countries do anything special for your B-days. Our relationship has been going great (or so I thought!). I'm not sure if I should talk to him about it w/out seeming whiny or high maintenance. Link to post Share on other sites
Rollercoasterr Posted July 6, 2009 Share Posted July 6, 2009 I would expect a phone call at the very least. It's your birthday! Maybe he forgot about it? Is that possible? I dont know, it just seems kind of weird that he would neglect something like that if he were as serious as you are about him. You wouldn't forget HIS birthday, would you? You'd call him, maybe send him something cute and thoughtful. That's what people who care about each other do. Link to post Share on other sites
Author LDR Posted July 6, 2009 Author Share Posted July 6, 2009 The thing is that he didnt forget, as he wished me a Happy Birthday on MSN, but other than that, nothing. For Valentines he sent me a card, but this time, nothing. Link to post Share on other sites
hoping2heal Posted July 6, 2009 Share Posted July 6, 2009 Tell him you want some romance in your relationship. Link to post Share on other sites
Rollercoasterr Posted July 7, 2009 Share Posted July 7, 2009 Yeah, I think that if this really bothers you then you should talk to him about it. Men aren't mind-readers. I don't know how many times I've had to have "the talk" with Mathew about him being oblivious of something or another(but it's what makes him so endearing to me). However, he's awesome at remembering things, and very romantic. For valentines day he had 100 spray roses delivered to my work. That was the most thoughtful thing ever, especially since he had to arrange for them to be sent to me and find out my work address. But, look at it this way too- Some men just aren't romantic. Is he always this way, or is it a recent development? You can lead a horse to water but you can't make it drink, just like you can make a man watch romance movies every night but that doesn't mean he'll pick up on the cues of what girls want. Just sayin'. Good luck. Link to post Share on other sites
Island Girl Posted July 7, 2009 Share Posted July 7, 2009 He has a computer - he could have at least sent and e-card. My man know -- KNOWS -- that when special occasions or holidays come around we HAVE to make an effort. Each day is so sucky to begin with and on holidays or birthdays, etc. it is even more apparent that he isn't here (or I'm not there). Those days are that much harder. They are reminders of how long it has been - 7 birthdays, 6 Christmases, etc. So from the very beginning it has been REQUIRED that special occasions are acknowledged. He always makes sure to send something in the mail and I always get a phone call early in the morning so he can be sure he is the first to wish me a Happy Birthday, Happy Thanksgiving, etc. I make sure he has a good birthday there, and wish him well on their holidays too. It is another way that we are thinking about each other and paying attention to the goings on where the other person is. So yeah, in a nutshell, I'd be really angry. Link to post Share on other sites
Mandarine Girl Posted July 7, 2009 Share Posted July 7, 2009 Gosh, I'm sure all these posts aren't making you feel better either huh. I do empathise, though. My LD bf came back for his grandmother's funeral (we're from the same country but he resides overseas) and left a week before my birthday. As selfish and heartless as it sounds, I actually thought he would stay for my birthday since he was in town anyway. But I was crushed when he left as planned, though I kept slapping myself silly "hey, he came back for a funeral! get over yourself!" On my birthday eve though, we were on Skype and he made me stay up til midnight so he could wish me. So at midnight, we turned the web-cam on, and there he was, in his room, with the lights switched off, holding a plate that had three mini muffins and a candle in each muffin. He sang Happy Birthday to me and blew the candles out after I made a wish. Then he ate a muffin! It moved me to tears because at that moment, the distance between us meant absolutely nothing. Also, he's not a romantic kinda guy either. His birthday is coming up in 2 months and I've already bought my ticket to go surprise him. A friend commented, "but he didn't stay back for YOUR birthday". Well, yeah, thanks for the reminder. But well... I guess I realised, it's not totally up to him to make a move. It's up to me too. And I don't want to sit here and only get to see him when HE comes back every now and then. In your bf's defense, maybe he felt helpless that he couldn't do anything more for you. Maybe he thought nothing would be good enough since he can't physically be with you? Not much of an excuse, I know. Cos I"d be super upset if I just got a "Happy Birthday. Yay!". Birthdays are a celebration of someone's existence. I say, let him know you were disappointed. Hope you feel better, hun! Link to post Share on other sites
Author LDR Posted July 7, 2009 Author Share Posted July 7, 2009 Thanks all for the advise! I know that in his family birthdays are not celebrated. I'll have a talk with him, to try and establish some "expectations" for special occassions. Link to post Share on other sites
Els Posted July 9, 2009 Share Posted July 9, 2009 Well, that depends. For my last birthday, he mailed me my first ever sex toy (we don't have shops selling them where I live). I really am not expecting anything this one though; if I do get anything, I would be pleasantly surprised, but otherwise I wouldn't mind. Because he's really busy, and we both aren't really hyped up about 'special dates'. So it really depends on the circumstances. I myself frankly suck at such stuff. I really, really couldn't think of anything for his, since we aren't the cards-and-mushy-actions kind of couple... and he was out almost all day on his birthday since his dad came back from another country just to see him on his birthday. So, yeah, I just wished him at midnight on Skype since we were talking then anyway. And tried to be extra nice that day. Boooring. I would recommend that you talk to him, but consider all the circumstances as well -- it's good that you know that in his family they don't celebrate birthdays, for one. So I'd certainly be more forgiving and relaxed about it since it's just the way he was brought up. Link to post Share on other sites
Lucky_One Posted July 10, 2009 Share Posted July 10, 2009 What nationality is he? Not everyone puts the same importance on a birthday. And his family itself may not put a premium on them, either. If he doesn't know how important it is to you, then you have to tell him. As Island Girl said, he isn't a mind reader. Elsweth - he sent you a sex toy for your birthday? See? That would bother me equally as much as having no special notice taken of the day! So it just depends on how an individual views birthdays in general. Link to post Share on other sites
Author LDR Posted July 10, 2009 Author Share Posted July 10, 2009 He is Flemish. His birthday is coming in 2 months and he will be visiting me around that time, so I am planning tol make a bigger fuss about his, and let him know that birthdays are important to me. Link to post Share on other sites
Els Posted July 10, 2009 Share Posted July 10, 2009 Yes, the best way would be to do something really nice for his, if birthdays matter a lot to you. Unless he's denser than a cow, he'd definitely buck up the next time. LuckyOne, he knew I'd wanted a vibrator for years, and I couldn't get one where I lived! I'm not a teddy bear kind of girl too, so this is the best gift I've had on a birthday. One woman's meat is another woman's poison indeed... Link to post Share on other sites
Island Girl Posted July 10, 2009 Share Posted July 10, 2009 Yes, the best way would be to do something really nice for his, if birthdays matter a lot to you. Unless he's denser than a cow, he'd definitely buck up the next time. I agree although I do not leave a chance out there that a guy just didn't pick up on the hidden message. It's a relationship rule I have that if I need something, want something, or am upset about something I state it quite plainly and quite clearly so I can be sure he got the message and understood it. What he does after receiving such information then becomes his responsibility. If there is "fall out" he deservedly stands to receive a direct hit. There will be no excuses or begging off. So not only would I do the whole birthday she-bang - I'd have a talk with him about how wonderful it feels to have someone celebrate your existence on that ONE special day that only comes around once a YEAR. Then I'd plainly state that I'd like to know I am cared enough about to have MY special day celebrated as well. Every single year. Link to post Share on other sites
Thaddeus Posted July 10, 2009 Share Posted July 10, 2009 Some people and families don't see birthdays as a big deal, and he may be from one of those families. My family is like that too. It's just not a big thing. We may call or send a card or something, we may not. No big deal either way. He cannot read your mind, so don't expect him to. Island Girl is right: Then I'd plainly state that I'd like to know I am cared enough about to have MY special day celebrated as well. Link to post Share on other sites
Bayern Posted July 10, 2009 Share Posted July 10, 2009 Hi! Ive been in a LDR with someone from a different continent for more than 1 year. Yesterday was my B-day and he didnt do anything special for me: no card, no phone call. . . we just spoke on MSN as we usually do. Im curious to find out if your SO, specially those who live in different countries do anything special for your B-days. Our relationship has been going great (or so I thought!). I'm not sure if I should talk to him about it w/out seeming whiny or high maintenance. Phone calls are expensive. MSN has a call feature for free though. I know, I didn't help at all. Link to post Share on other sites
Author LDR Posted July 10, 2009 Author Share Posted July 10, 2009 That is what I will do: make something nice for his birthday and talk to him about it that day (in a nice way). I also dont want to assume that he gets the hint, so I will be clear with him. And thank you Bayern:p Link to post Share on other sites
Bayern Posted July 10, 2009 Share Posted July 10, 2009 That is what I will do: make something nice for his birthday and talk to him about it that day (in a nice way). I also dont want to assume that he gets the hint, so I will be clear with him. And thank you Bayern:p It's hard for me to help most other people when I need so much help myself. Good luck! Link to post Share on other sites
hardertobreathe Posted July 12, 2009 Share Posted July 12, 2009 i am dreading my birthday coming up. its in 2 weeks. he only lives 4 hours and my birthday is on a weekend so he should be able to come...i dont see why he wouldnt be able to. but when i asked him he said he will try. i have a feeling that its not going to work out once again and i will be left here upset. Link to post Share on other sites
hoping2heal Posted July 12, 2009 Share Posted July 12, 2009 i am dreading my birthday coming up. its in 2 weeks. he only lives 4 hours and my birthday is on a weekend so he should be able to come...i dont see why he wouldnt be able to. but when i asked him he said he will try. i have a feeling that its not going to work out once again and i will be left here upset. If someone is mistreating you, be aware of it when you allow them too. Because then it actually becomes your responsibility that you aren't happy in your relationship; not his even though his actions may be hurtful. If you don't want to get left on your birthday, communicate how important it is to you. If he does nothing about it, I'd say that's actions speaky PRETTY loudly, and it's in your court. Are you going to stay with someone who is unwilling to fulfill your needs and communicate with you in a partnership? That is up to you. You don't NEED however, to be left alone on your birthday. Link to post Share on other sites
hardertobreathe Posted July 12, 2009 Share Posted July 12, 2009 thank you! and you are right it is my responsibility. i am going to talk to him this week and not leave anything out. i will say how much it means to me that he is here on my birthday coming up. i think 2 weeks is enough notice. i am really hoping his actions do pull through because if they dont this time i am afraid i really will need to rethink this whole thing. it is getting tiring... thank you so much for the responses Link to post Share on other sites
hoping2heal Posted July 12, 2009 Share Posted July 12, 2009 thank you! and you are right it is my responsibility. i am going to talk to him this week and not leave anything out. i will say how much it means to me that he is here on my birthday coming up. i think 2 weeks is enough notice. i am really hoping his actions do pull through because if they dont this time i am afraid i really will need to rethink this whole thing. it is getting tiring... thank you so much for the responses Yeah, it's a hard position to be in. However, as hard as it would be, it would be much worse if you were to wait months and months for a change that is never going to come, by then you would be more exhausted, more likely to bitter, and feel more hurt. So yes, communicate with him and let him do what he's going to do, if it isn't going to suit the relationship in a way that you think you can handle anymore, you'll know what to do. Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts