The effects of NC on the dumper

[Soul Bear]

Just out of curiosity, I would love to know the different experiences of the dumpee going NC on the dumper after the initial aftermath.

I know I should be focusing on ME, butr still, there is a small part of me that is just SO curious!!!

 

Im curious, because I feel empowered, somewhat...

But I dont really know, or can say how this will be effecting her...

 

Any experiences would be most appreciated, from both sides

[wow123]

I ran into a friend of one of my ex girlfriends last weekend. She told me the girl who dumped me was going crazy because I immediately went NC and she wasn't getting any attention from me. She couldn't believe I wouldn't chase her nor respond to her calls/texts.... That made me feel great!

[kizik]

As another poster pointed out, I am a wet blanket. Embracing this, here goes:

 

No Contact rarely has any effect on the dumper, and do you know why? I'll tell you, and it's hilarious. Because the dumper is saying, by dumping you, "I don't want to talk to you anymore!" THEY are employing NC, not you. To think anything different is just self-delusion.

[Soul Bear]

wow-thanks for that story!

 

kizik- yor right, it is funny as it is indeed very true...never thought of it like that

bet she didnt either

ahahaha

[Road To Joy]

the girl who dumped me was going crazy because I immediately went NC and she wasn't getting any attention from me. She couldn't believe I wouldn't chase her nor respond to her calls/texts.

 

I think this is how my ex feels. I was the one to do the dumping, though only because she was too chicken to do it. She admitted this herself. But the month or so we still spoke after that, she used me. She told me she was afraid I'm going to love someone like I loved her. Called me every few nights. Told me she missed me. But when I asked her if she wanted to get back together, she would say no. Then say yes days later when I had already gotten 'no' in my head. It was so confusing but honestly, I don't think she was lying when she told me any of that. Plus she heard there might have been a possibility I kissed someone else and she completely freaked out and asked me who over and over. The kiss hadn't happened, and it pissed me off how she seemed so affected by it (the rumor alone) when we weren't even together and she told me she didn't even want to be together. Besides, she cheated on me for SIX MONTHS during our relationship. And I stayed faithful throughout the whole thing. So wtf?

 

She tried to keep me there as long as possible 'cause she knew as soon as I would get the message that she wasn't going to get back with me anytime soon, I would stop talking to her. There were a lot of false alarms when I would try to initiate NC only because I was weak and broke it whenever she would give me a hint of a chance of getting back together. But, finally, I did it. I knew it's not what she wanted but that's not why I did it, I did it for myself, to move on. And because I was too scared to see her move on and date someone else (as much as I hate to admit that, it hurts). Last I knew anything about her which was a little over a month, she was distraught.

[Road To Joy]

Btw, I've been reading your posts the past few months and you are one of the people I look up to on here!

[EmperorR]

As another poster pointed out, I am a wet blanket. Embracing this, here goes:

 

No Contact rarely has any effect on the dumper, and do you know why? I'll tell you, and it's hilarious. Because the dumper is saying, by dumping you, "I don't want to talk to you anymore!" THEY are employing NC, not you. To think anything different is just self-delusion.

 

this is true, ever wonder why when you get dumped suddenly a person you talk to every day for years doesn't even call you, text you nothing. While you on teh other side are standing by hte phone fighting off urges. Because they stopped caring a long while ago, you going NC actually relieves them of slowly weening you off.

 

Usually if their bored etc. they may give you a shout, but as kizik says they are employing nc., the whole friends thing is a crap, both of my exes I haven't heard a squeak from any of them but yet "we can still be good friends"

[asuman]

My "ex" has a new boyfriend. She spends no time giving a crap about the fact that she doesn't hear from me. It's possible that one day 8 months from now she might ask herself, "Hey, I wonder how that guy's doing who I made out with a bunch of times who was so much better than my boyfriend even though I decided not to stay with him?" Then her thought will get interrupted by a phone call or a dog barking and she won't think of me again for another 2 years.

[NopeNah]

As another poster pointed out, I am a wet blanket. Embracing this, here goes:

 

No Contact rarely has any effect on the dumper, and do you know why? I'll tell you, and it's hilarious. Because the dumper is saying, by dumping you, "I don't want to talk to you anymore!" THEY are employing NC, not you. To think anything different is just self-delusion.

I disagree to a point... My ex "hates not talking to me, I'm the love of her life." She's said this to me and her "friends".. Sure she was always a selfish person, ect.. She also, as of today, say's "she wants to work things out with me"..gonna happen? nope! I'm gone! Got a lunch invite this afternoon "to talk things out"..what's to talk about? nothing! my response was "i'm swamped". Hers: "That's great your really busy with work"...Then she get's the pic text of me at the golf course with my buddies! I got a simple "*sshol*" text back...whatever..what's done is done...I'm over this sh*t! Not gonna put one single thought into it. Do not and will not have time for her EVER again! I do not care about any aspect of her feelings or life ,beyond her son. I'll do anything in my power to help that kid for the rest of his life and he knows this.. They do care about NC..ofcourse most of them trying to break it, is for their own selfish nonsense,ego stroke,ect..

 

 

Do not waiste one more second of your thoughts on this chick, SB. She's not worth it at all! Just like mine's not... Let them be!

[PinkToes]

My ex was both surprised and a little hurt that I didn't contact him for 7 months. When I sent him a happy birthday text, I learned he was really struggling with the breakup. We never had a falling out, we split up for reasons beyond our control. But since he initiated it, I just assumed he would have no trouble moving on. I was wrong.

 

I have also read that sometimes a dumper goes through delayed grief, especially if they haven't fully separated emotionally during the relationship. When we get dumped, we get forced into survival mode, and we process the pain immediately because there's little other choice. Sometimes a dumper feels initial relief and is surprised to discover later on that there are some residual issues or feelings.

 

This is just my opinion but I think this is sometimes why an ex will come back after we've moved on; they may discover emotions they hadn't really dealt with before.

[asuman]

My logic about this is that unless you have instructed your ex not to contact you, he/she is perfectly free to contact you at any point in time. If as time goes by and I've made no attempt to contact her (as is true with me), and she too hasn't bothered getting in touch, that only reinforces the point that I shouldn't bother initiating any communication in the first place.

[bella16]

I guess it's a lil different with everyone.

 

My ex bf and I are now back together, mostly because I did NC after a few days that he dumped me. As soon as I let it go and stopped all contact, he was calling me and texting me everyday wondering what I was doing. He started to miss me and wondering what I was doing and came right back to me. I couldn't be happier. The breakup only lasted 3 weeks, but during the 3rd week was when he started contacting me all the time!

[waterrat]

My ex dumped me in Nov 08. I chased for 1 1/2 months then gave up and went NC. We work in the same building, when I did see her I would not even bat an eyelash at her. 1 month later she calls..misses me etc. We get back together. 2 weeks later I dump her cause she is being a b**ch. Went immediate no contact, sometimes in same elevator..this drove her crazy. Called me back again 2 months later, we get together again. After one month she confesses she does not want to be in a relationship and want to keep it casual. No interested...thanks very much. Guess what, back to NC. Needless to say this chick has a few issues, and I am done!!

[fabulous_chk]

Soul_Bear, i was the dumper to my first bf and I felt really bad, but at the same time relieved. I did initiate NC to him because I felt there was nothing else to talk about. NC was easy on my side, and I genuinely did not want to resume friendship but he was persistent and we eventually became best friends. We talk almost everyday.

 

This is not a happy story. Three days ago he proposed to me. We broke up 9 years ago. I can't believe he held hope for us all this time.

[NopeNah]

This is not a happy story. Three days ago he proposed to me. We broke up 9 years ago. I can't believe he held hope for us all this time.

Wow! That's pretty odd! So you two were just hanging out as friends then...bam! He proposed?

[fabulous_chk]

Wow! That's pretty odd! So you two were just hanging out as friends then...bam! He proposed?

 

Yes, basically. He knew everything about me, who I dated and have sex with. We talk all the time. I have noticed his attitude changed when my ex broke up with me. He became more familiar, like more intimate.

 

 

This should be a warning to those who want to friends but actually want more than that. Don't do this to yourself! Always assume after the break-up that it is over!

[NopeNah]

Yes, basically. He knew everything about me, who I dated and have sex with. We talk all the time. I have noticed his attitude changed when my ex broke up with me. He became more familiar, like more intimate.

 

 

This should be a warning to those who want to friends but actually want more than that. Don't do this to yourself! Always assume after the break-up that it is over!

SO...whens the date? joking of course..but, that is odd/ballsy of him, I must say.

[Soul Bear]

Road to Joy- Firstly, thankyou for looking up to me, im truly greatful for that comment secondly- thankyou for your story!! It's always interesting to here different peoples experiences with NC. However, after 5 years together, it's hard not to think about it, in fact, it has consumed my thoughts for the last however long it's been, my nights sleep have been BAD, and it shows in my new job too, i must have had maybe a tottal of 20 hours in the last 5 days....im good tho, gotta keep positive and gotta keep strong, no matter what.

 

NC is making me feel better to some extent, as I know it will be eating at her- trying to enjoiy her new relationship, whilst at the back of her mind, im sure of it, that its eating away! ahahahahah

 

Asuman- Dont worry bro, thank yourseld lucky this happened now, and not after a much longer period of time together- like planning a wedding and things like that. Saying that tho, I do not mean to be condescending, I know how much it hurts as much for me just the same as it does you and everyone else on here. Turn every negative thought uyou have into a positive one, and you will find gems

 

PinkToes- Your story is both beautiful and inspiring. And as far as ';delayed grief' goes- I KNOW that is what is happening right now...yet more power to me when it goes smack in her face

 

 

Asuman- You are right, unless you instruct them not to contact you. But I have not instructed her as such, therefor, again, more power to me! I get the satisfaction (if you can call it that) of her not having a clue if I have even read her email, let alone wondering what im up to, where I am, althought Im sure she knows through mutual friends.

 

Bella- You are wise"! If only I had listened to peoples advice on here at the start and gone NC after the breakup, Im pretty sure things would be different.

 

WaterRat- Good on ya Bro! Glad you have found the strength to call it quits for good I myself, have not yet found that strength. Althought saying that, if she called me up right now and said come back home I miss you leyts try again, I would still say no, because she has been with someone else

 

Fantabulous- 9 years...omg....lol....poor guy!! 'best friends' tho... no one can be best friends with an ex...one person will ALWAYS feel more than the other....ALLWAYS!!

 

 

 

And of course, my own personal experience of NC on the dumper 2 weeks thus far- One ****ty email, and then another, ****ty selfish email with a feeble selfish attempt at an appology LMAO....just wait and see what happens next, I know there will be more drama to come!!! I almost cant wait!!!!

[BCCA]

I've said it before, and I'll say it again: going NC on someone who dumped you is doing them a favor. Its much better than calling and crying on the phone, trying to force your way into their lives, or going on with some pathetic 'friendship' thats a complete sham.

 

Usuaully, when people dump you, they just want to relieve as much guilt as possible, i.e. asking to be your friend, and they are DONE with you. Yeah, you might get called for a booty call or because they want something, but thats about it.

 

Still though, its the right thing to do. Its the best way to move on, and start your life over. NC is the only way to go, but I laugh when I hear people say it makes your ex miss you more or wonder what youre up to. Sadly, they really dont care about you anymore.

[Soul Bear]

BCCA- Good to see you on my threads again, its been a while I agree. Shes done, and she is just trying to assuge her guilt. But I also disagree, to an extent that it makes them not miss you. Of course timing is everything, and Bella showed that for her it worked as a SIDE effect and she got him back. To late for that now for me tho It is the right thing to do to move on, I have come ( or gone ) a long way since employing NC...the other end of the country to be exact!!!

 

 

Emp- Sorry bro, somehow I totally forgot to include you in that last reply to everyone- not done on purpose, I promise You and BCCA are quite similar in your replys....you are quite mature the both of you in many ways. Possibly because you have both loved again to some extent since going through what I and many others are going through now im guessing

[BCCA]

SB, I havent been around for a while. Sometimes I have to stay away to keep my mind from wandering into depression.

 

Im not saying they dont miss you and what they had, but the context is very different. Its like how you miss a TV show, or a place you used to eat.

 

Possibly because you have both loved again to some extent since going through what I and many others are going through now im guessing

 

LOL Ive been single ever since my split, about a year ago. Havent even had more than a first date since, and those have been few and far between.

[EmperorR]

BCCA- Good to see you on my threads again, its been a while I agree. Shes done, and she is just trying to assuge her guilt. But I also disagree, to an extent that it makes them not miss you. Of course timing is everything, and Bella showed that for her it worked as a SIDE effect and she got him back. To late for that now for me tho It is the right thing to do to move on, I have come ( or gone ) a long way since employing NC...the other end of the country to be exact!!!

 

 

Emp- Sorry bro, somehow I totally forgot to include you in that last reply to everyone- not done on purpose, I promise You and BCCA are quite similar in your replys....you are quite mature the both of you in many ways. Possibly because you have both loved again to some extent since going through what I and many others are going through now im guessing

 

np man, I know how it is, I went NC first to get my ex back thinking that it would make her heart grow founder, been 11 months not even a text, crank call, email nothing. I know I'll never hear from her agin and it sucks but such is life.

 

It's near impossible to be friends after a relationship ends its just weird, as I always say what you don't know, hear, see can't hurt you.

[EmperorR]

SB, I havent been around for a while. Sometimes I have to stay away to keep my mind from wandering into depression.

 

Im not saying they dont miss you and what they had, but the context is very different. Its like how you miss a TV show, or a place you used to eat.

 

 

 

LOL Ive been single ever since my split, about a year ago. Havent even had more than a first date since, and those have been few and far between.

 

 

nothing wrong with being single, i've dated twice since my ex fiance, first relationship dumped after 3 months and now this one she just found out she's pregnant by her ex, so that's basically over.

 

Just the luck I have I guess:laugh:

[BCCA]

np man, I know how it is, I went NC first to get my ex back thinking that it would make her heart grow founder, been 11 months not even a text, crank call, email nothing. I know I'll never hear from her agin and it sucks but such is life.

 

I'm in the exact same boat, its litterally been just over 11 months, not a peep. Not really expecting to hear much at this point...

 

It's near impossible to be friends after a relationship ends its just weird, as I always say what you don't know, hear, see can't hurt you.

 

All relationships are conditional, be it a friendship or bf/gf thing. Two people become friends or lovers because they feel like they are getting some mutual benefits out of doing so.

 

People cant be friends with someone who isnt doing anything for them. Seriously, your ex is never going to do anything but dissapoint you. They dont have your best interests in mind, and they dont care about how you feel or what you go through.

 

To me, being able to be friend means that you were never really as invested as you should have been.

[Els]

Actually, nothing. When my ex told me 'I wont talk to you again til I'm ready', I did feel a slight bit of sadness, because he'd been part of my life for so long. But I was SO over him, I'd been through the anguish a long time ago when he'd been ignoring my requests repeatedly, I'd had a long time to think about it and distance myself mentally before finally breaking it off. So... guess what? A few hours later, I was fine again, doing what I wanted, enjoying myself. When he next contacted me a month or so from then, I barely even noticed that so much time had passed.

 

Moral of the story is, NC is for YOU, the dumpee, to help YOU recover. It may or may not have effect on the dumper, depending on whether or not the dumper is truly over you. However, going into NC with the mentality of wondering how it will affect the dumper is completely self-defeating, as the whole purpose of NC is to help you get over the dumper, not to give you false hope or make you wonder about the dumper!