ladywildcat Posted November 4, 2003 Share Posted November 4, 2003 While we are on the topic of porn, I wanted to ask a slightly related but separate question. I have been dating my now fiance for 3 years. About a year ago, I was on his computer doing some work when a Yahoo messenger popped up from some girl. She obviously knew who he was, and starting saying "dirty things". After pretending to be him for a few minutes to find out what I could, I discovered he had been having cyber sex with women both on the internet and occasionally on the phone. Now he is the type that I would NEVER have expected this from. He is from a good family, church boy, adores me. But I was very upset. the problem wasn't the porn, but the talking to other women and lying about it. We had a confrontation and he basically cried for like 2 hours begging me to forgive him and help him get over his problem with pornography. I was still upset and having trouble trusting him, but I said we could find a way to work thru it, but he had to be HONEST with me. We spend all our time together so I have no worries he would ever cheat on me, but I do worry that he isn't being honest about what he does when we are apart. I continue to try to keep the lines of communication open and occasionally will ask him if he has looked at porn. Every time he swears up and down he doesn't do it anymore. Yesterday I came home, and there was a magazine on the couch with topless girls spraying eachother down on the cover. I asked him what it was and he turned all red and got embarrased. I am so upset, not because he is looking at porn, but because he has been lying about it. Once the lying starts there, how do I know it won't lead to bigger lies? Initially I didn't mind the porn, but the more he is lying about it the more I hate it and don't understand his fixation with it. . I don't understand the need to look at these magazines, but I do understand it is a "natural" thing for guys to do. I have told him "I don't care about the porn, I just want you to be honest with me about what you are doing". He made a big deal of saying he didn't want to do it anymore and threw out all his old magazines. Then this happens. He took the magazine yesterday and dumped it in the trash. Obviously he isn't trying to quit or be honest if he keeps buying them and just hiding them from me! Am I being ridiculous to be mad about this? I want to work it out with him, but I don't know what to do as this seems to be a continuing problem. What are your thoughts on this? Link to post Share on other sites
moimeme Posted November 4, 2003 Share Posted November 4, 2003 Every day people swear to stop doing something that fills some sort of need; be that drinking, eating unhealthy food, looking at porn, whatever. They believe it's just a matter of will and they can do it easily. They also believe that people who cannot just stop by dint of will are flawed and wrong and bad. Therefore, when they find they can't stop as they thought they should, they feel flawed, bad, and wrong - and ashamed. You can tell him all you want that you'll understand, but that won't stop him because the feelings come from inside. He may have become 'addicted'. People do all sorts of things to get their seratonin and dopamine to optimum levels and to fill needs. Often, they need added assistance to overcome whatever the behaviour is that they are using to make themselves feel better. Your fellow sounds like this sort of fellow. He may need some sort of therapy. Link to post Share on other sites
Author ladywildcat Posted November 4, 2003 Author Share Posted November 4, 2003 How do I react to this situation? Do I have a right to be upset? I understand being supportive of his problem and all that, but I am so upset and hurt by the lying. It makes me not trust him in the times we are apart thinking that he is sitting at home looking at magazines and "pleasuring" himself. He is so ashamed of it, yet it seems he has gotten very good at hiding it. I was able to tolerate the porn, but now I see it as a barrier in our relationship. How is therapy going to get me to the point where I can accept it as a part of who he is? Or if he was to get therapy, do they try to find ways to eliminate his need to look at it? Thanks for your advice! Link to post Share on other sites
moimeme Posted November 4, 2003 Share Posted November 4, 2003 How is therapy going to get me to the point where I can accept it as a part of who he is? Or if he was to get therapy, do they try to find ways to eliminate his need to look at it? Ideally, you'll find a relationship counsellor who can help you with both. You can be helped to understand the nature and origins of the issue and he can be helped to get better control. Link to post Share on other sites
bark Posted November 4, 2003 Share Posted November 4, 2003 I believe the last Sunday New York Times had a lenghty article about how the internet has facilitated porn addiction. That addiction has ruined many a marriage and career. Nor is it easily treatable. I also don't see counseling overcoming your basic trust and respect issues with your bf. Things may have gone too far. (I'm not a big fan of counseling). The cybersex thing indicates that your bf is into this addiction pretty deeply. Most of us occasionally look at pictures. Based on what you've told us, I'm not optimistic. Check out that NYT story if you can. It might help. Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts