spiraling downward Posted July 7, 2009 Share Posted July 7, 2009 My MW just filed for divorce today.... my divorce was final 3 weeks ago... what do the naysayers have to say?? Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted July 7, 2009 Share Posted July 7, 2009 Give eachother time and space, do counselling and take it slow, otherwise you and your MW will have serious trust issues. Each of you need time to grieve your marriage and the life you lost, inlaws, extended family, kids will need to adjust if they are any. Don't start your post in such a defensive way, when you do that it makes you less credible and makes it seem like you're looking for arguments. Just FYI. Link to post Share on other sites
Author spiraling downward Posted July 7, 2009 Author Share Posted July 7, 2009 I feel like I have to be vague right now... just because the dust hasn't settled. All I can say is that our spouses had both committed attrocities in our respective marriages to where we were both the "injured" parties. Our affair has been 85% emotional/meeting of the minds and 15% physical.... I know that we are tempting fate and trying to beat the odds... I think we both understand this as we've been brutally honest with each other about our situations. My gut feeling says that we can pull this thing off. Link to post Share on other sites
tami-chan Posted July 7, 2009 Share Posted July 7, 2009 Does your username describe how you feel? If so, why? Don't you feel relieved? Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted July 7, 2009 Share Posted July 7, 2009 Are there kids involved? If so, ALL of you have to take those kids feelings into consideration and put them first. Link to post Share on other sites
Author spiraling downward Posted July 7, 2009 Author Share Posted July 7, 2009 yeah, sometimes I feel like I've jumped off a cliff... but at this point in my life... this also feels like my "one shot." So I'm going for it. Link to post Share on other sites
Author spiraling downward Posted July 7, 2009 Author Share Posted July 7, 2009 yes, there are kids involved on one side... I know that is a serious consideration. But you know and I know that kids are resilliant and they will make there own minds up about things when the time comes.... that is, one day when they can know all the facts. Link to post Share on other sites
tami-chan Posted July 7, 2009 Share Posted July 7, 2009 yeah, sometimes I feel like I've jumped off a cliff... but at this point in my life... this also feels like my "one shot." So I'm going for it. Oh...sounds desperate, SD. Maybe you should take time to "exhale"...how old are you? Your story is personally very interesting to me.... Link to post Share on other sites
Author spiraling downward Posted July 7, 2009 Author Share Posted July 7, 2009 I'm very middle aged... Link to post Share on other sites
bentnotbroken Posted July 7, 2009 Share Posted July 7, 2009 Naysayer, hope you both get everything God has planned for you. Link to post Share on other sites
tami-chan Posted July 7, 2009 Share Posted July 7, 2009 I'm very middle aged... lol..aren't we all! So let me get this straight you had an affair with a MW while you were still married or going through your divorce? Some people believe that when both parties have ended their marriage emotionally, the marriage IS DEAD. Others, are purists, in that, they believe unless the dotted line is signed on the divorce papers, you are still married, nevermind that you are leadnig separate lives. So given that, when did your relationship with the MW begin? What is it the you are here for? Link to post Share on other sites
Author spiraling downward Posted July 7, 2009 Author Share Posted July 7, 2009 We are both damaged goods... I'm not going to try to justify anything. Why am I here? I think I'm just venting at the moment. Two years ago... five years ago... twenty years ago... I never thought I would find myself in this situation. I probably would have been the one hurling stones.... but sometimes life has a way of conditioning/changing a person. I'm going to find out if I can actually beat the odds... Link to post Share on other sites
Lyssa Posted July 7, 2009 Share Posted July 7, 2009 What was your initial plan? What do YOU have in mind for the future? Are the children involved very young? Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted July 7, 2009 Share Posted July 7, 2009 yes, there are kids involved on one side... I know that is a serious consideration. But you know and I know that kids are resilliant and they will make there own minds up about things when the time comes.... that is, one day when they can know all the facts. Don't push it on them. Obviously she has the kids not you because if they were YOUR kids you wouldn't be saying "resilliant". Link to post Share on other sites
tami-chan Posted July 7, 2009 Share Posted July 7, 2009 We are both damaged goods... I'm not going to try to justify anything. Why am I here? I think I'm just venting at the moment. Two years ago... five years ago... twenty years ago... I never thought I would find myself in this situation. I probably would have been the one hurling stones.... but sometimes life has a way of conditioning/changing a person. I'm going to find out if I can actually beat the odds... I see. I just want to warn you that sometimes some people will not allow you to"just vent". They think you must want something that's why you posted. The good thing is, there are great people from both sides of the spectrum. I am one of the lucky ones who have made friends. Are you having second thoughts about your relationship with the soon to be divorced MW? Link to post Share on other sites
Author spiraling downward Posted July 7, 2009 Author Share Posted July 7, 2009 I went into this knowing that my MW was not a sure bet... I left my marriage because I came to the conclusion that my future was not with this woman I thought I had a marriage with (remember, she had committed attrocities before I had a clue what was happening to me.) It was get out sooner or later for me... I choose sooner. Yes, I stuck the knife in my former waywards back. It was not a graceful exit for me... although I only lived the double life with her for about 3 weeks before I told her I was leaving/involved with someone else. Regardless what happens with my MW and myself... I'm moving forward with my life. Link to post Share on other sites
Author spiraling downward Posted July 7, 2009 Author Share Posted July 7, 2009 My kids seem to be doing just fine having survived my first divorce. They are very good students in college and have a mind of their own. They accept their "old man" for what he is... but they love me and I love them. So, at least in my case... my kids were resilliant. Link to post Share on other sites
Author spiraling downward Posted July 7, 2009 Author Share Posted July 7, 2009 2nd thoughts... no. Searching for perspective... yes. I'm open to all viewpoints. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted July 7, 2009 Share Posted July 7, 2009 K I thought your kids were younger. Even though they're resilliant, it doesn't mean they want to have a new step mom in their life so soon. If anything, keep this under wraps for a while, let them adjust to your D and get used to the idea mom and dad aren't a family unit anymore. Link to post Share on other sites
JamesM Posted July 7, 2009 Share Posted July 7, 2009 Is she middle aged, too? How long were each of you married? While your affair was different than all others, why do you feel that you chose someone this time who will be a better partner for you once the dust settles? Do you truly feel that she will trust you and vice versa when the two of you get married/cohabitate? When she is gone longer than expected or you have to work late, how will the other feel? How did the two of you meet and how did the affair start? Will you trust her in a similar situation after you two are married? BTW, I am 45. Do you consider that "very middle aged" or are you older? Link to post Share on other sites
Author spiraling downward Posted July 7, 2009 Author Share Posted July 7, 2009 understood, I agree wholeheartedly. Link to post Share on other sites
Lyssa Posted July 7, 2009 Share Posted July 7, 2009 I went into this knowing that my MW was not a sure bet... I left my marriage because I came to the conclusion that my future was not with this woman I thought I had a marriage with (remember, she had committed attrocities before I had a clue what was happening to me.) It was get out sooner or later for me... I choose sooner. Yes, I stuck the knife in my former waywards back. It was not a graceful exit for me... although I only lived the double life with her for about 3 weeks before I told her I was leaving/involved with someone else. Regardless what happens with my MW and myself... I'm moving forward with my life. Okay. Thanks for clearing that up. My advice is to let things sink in first before you make any other big decisions. My kids seem to be doing just fine having survived my first divorce. They are very good students in college and have a mind of their own. They accept their "old man" for what he is... but they love me and I love them. So, at least in my case... my kids were resilliant. Are there any small kids involved? Link to post Share on other sites
Author spiraling downward Posted July 7, 2009 Author Share Posted July 7, 2009 I'm a lot younger than you! I'm 44. There are NO guarantees in life. We are taking each other at our word right now. We both know that we are "cheaters." Kind of a honor amongst theives type of mentality. edit: I apologize for my poor grammar/spelling at times... Link to post Share on other sites
JamesM Posted July 7, 2009 Share Posted July 7, 2009 There are NO guarantees in life. We are taking each other at our word right now. We both know that we are "cheaters." Kind of a honor amongst theifs type of mentality. This is true. There are no guarantees. I do wish that things work for you, but don't you think that starting with a foundation of infidelity is even less of a guarantee? On another thread, you told someone to leave the MW until she has come around. Do you think that the two of you have had enough time to realize what went wrong and how to avoid future problems? Yes, I am probably considered a naysayer, but in cases like these, so much hurt has been endured by both. It is advisable to be very cautious when going forward. And even though we both are older, surely you recognize that when it comes to feelings about someone else, we all become teenagers. Link to post Share on other sites
tami-chan Posted July 7, 2009 Share Posted July 7, 2009 I'm a lot younger than you! I'm 44. There are NO guarantees in life. We are taking each other at our word right now. We both know that we are "cheaters." Kind of a honor amongst theifs type of mentality. LOL...funny "a lot younger"..James is 45, you are 44. I like your attitude. You don't seem to appear bitter, nor jaded. I think you and your MW will be fine since you both know how difficult it is to cheat...you don't seem to be a wired cheater considering the short time it took you to come clean and made a decision. Do you mind telling us what your ex-W did to you that was so damaging? Did she cheat on you? Link to post Share on other sites
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