My MW just filed for divorce today...

[Chrome Barracuda]

Why did she have to be married?

 

You was already married twice after this so your track record isnt that good off the bat.

 

And just remember... She'll do it with you, she will do it to you!

 

I dont think you should be with her there are many red flags. If she's willing to destroy her family for her own selfish emotional reasons what makes you think she wont do it again.

 

Really? you think so? lol.

[spiraling downward]

I left my MW for a short while... that's what caused her to move forward. At that point she was faced with a choice and she made it. Since I do love her, I will be there to pick up the pieces for her...

[tami-chan]

I left my MW for a short while... that's what caused her to move forward. At that point she was faced with a choice and she made it. Since I do love her, I will be there to pick up the pieces for her...

 

Sweet....sometimes, somebody has to hit rock bottom to see the light. Good for her and you and yes, good for her H-he too, can move on!

[Athena]

I'm a lot younger than you! I'm 44. There are NO guarantees in life. We are taking each other at our word right now. We both know that we are "cheaters." Kind of a honor amongst theives type of mentality.

 

Hi Spiral, hmmm, I am also 44 -- so now that's considered "very middle-aged"? Ouch... I thought forties was the new thirties...

 

"Honor amongst thieves"? lol -- you are mis-quoting that... it's No honor amongst thieves...

 

You mentioned your college-aged kids adjusted well to your first divorce? You been married and divorced more than once?

 

Hope things turn out well for you.

[spiraling downward]

Is it Honor or No Honor??? It seems to be who you ask.... I thought you had me for a second!!

 

 

The concept is found in [c 1622-3 Soddered Citizen (1936) l. 305] Theeues haue betweene themselues, a truth, And faith, which they keepe firme, by which They doe subsist; [1703 P. A. Motteux Don Quixote ii. lx.] The old proverb still holds good, Thieves are never rogues among themselves.

A sort of honour may be found (according to a proverbial saying) even among thieves.

[1802 J. Bentham

Works

(1843) IV. 225]

‘There is honour among thieves, but none among gamblers,’ is very well antithetically spoken, but not true in fact.

[1823 J. Bee

Dict. Turf

98]

Honour among thieves was an empty phrase to all three of them: every professional criminal they'd known would sell his sidekick unhesitatingly if the price were right.

[1984 J. Reeves

Murder before Matins

vi.]

And a moral scoundrel may occasionally do what duty requires (honor among thieves).

[2002

R

. J. Bernstein

Radical Evil

25]

[spiraling downward]

I failed at two marriages... third time is a charm of course... My first two marriages were with woman who were single when I met them. That didn't seem to help at all.... I thought I would try a married woman this go round!

[Athena]

I failed at two marriages... third time is a charm of course... My first two marriages were with woman who were single when I met them. That didn't seem to help at all.... I thought I would try a married woman this go round!

Lol, okay you have a sense of humor.

 

So -- you cleared that up for me -- apparently there IS honor amongst thieves!

[hopesndreams]

I failed at two marriages... third time is a charm of course... My first two marriages were with woman who were single when I met them. That didn't seem to help at all.... I thought I would try a married woman this go round!

 

I would suggest therapy for you, looks as though you are going to need it. Your wife did terrible things to you as in cheating yes? Then you turn around and do the exact same thing to her as she did to you? You could have just left her, on your own, without someone waiting in the wings. You certainly planned all this so you wouldn't end up alone. Guess what? Chances are you will end up alone eventually and you have no way to emotionally cope with that. The relationship you are starting up with your new woman is doomed to failure. Neither of you could be trusted because the relationship was built on lies and deceit. You are only fooling yourself right now and on a high with all the warm fuzzy feelings. They will fade soon enough and then both of you will be on the prowl once again.

 

Two families destroyed. You may wake up one day when you finally realize how selfish you and your new woman have been and then that's when the pain will come and that will be your downward spiral.

[spiraling downward]

Thank-you. I'm sure that if we continue to converse... you will site many statistics or maybe your own miserable failures as ancedotal evidence of what I'm embarking on. I am well aware of the statistics and the odds that I am up against. From what I've experienced and learned in life already... I know that I can uphold my end of the bargain.... she has convinced me that she can too. Only time well tell. I am withholding certain infromation that would she more light on our situation.

[Lyssa]

I went into this knowing that my MW was not a sure bet... I left my marriage because I came to the conclusion that my future was not with this woman I thought I had a marriage with (remember, she had committed attrocities before I had a clue what was happening to me.) It was get out sooner or later for me... I choose sooner. Yes, I stuck the knife in my former waywards back. It was not a graceful exit for me... although I only lived the double life with her for about 3 weeks before I told her I was leaving/involved with someone else. Regardless what happens with my MW and myself... I'm moving forward with my life.

 

I wanted to say something on this that I missed out earlier - my fMM now fiance did the same thing. He left the M knowing that things were not going back to way it used to even though both xH & xW tried to make it work.

 

It's not everyday that you read a MM/MW leave their spouses for someone else and actually tell their spouses that! I guess it was easy for you cause she cheated on you before, is that right?

 

You should look forward with your new life. Even if things do not go the way you wanted to with MW, you have a life ahead of you with a fresh start. I would really suggest that you take some time off and let things settle down before continuing the R.

[hopesndreams]

Do you want everyone to cheer for you?

 

As for shedding more light, does that mean throwing up smokescreens and tossing dirt to justify what you have done? Get more of a cheering section that way and then you can continue feeling happy?

[Gamine]

If there is one thing I can say about infidelity it certainly does have a way of breeding like a rabbit. If it is done to one, they do it to another. And on and on. Reducing us to reactionary creatures who when injure take the route of building a life based on that injury instead of growing from it. When I say 'No' to a temptation that will result in me being less of a woman than I am today I feel like I've been built up.

 

Now that you are building a new life with the foundation being destruction and hurt, I sincerely hope that the two of you take this opportunity to live right by one another. I don't know if I ascribe to the rule .. once a cheater always a cheater... but I will say this... infidelity seems to be the fallout from infidelity. It's like the injured child who becomes the injurer when they've grown into adulthood.

 

It would be so wonderful if destruction, lies and cheating weren't the seduction dance for courtship in our new age.

[lkjh]

Thank-you. I'm sure that if we continue to converse... you will site many statistics or maybe your own miserable failures as ancedotal evidence of what I'm embarking on. I am well aware of the statistics and the odds that I am up against. From what I've experienced and learned in life already... I know that I can uphold my end of the bargain.... she has convinced me that she can too. Only time well tell. I am withholding certain infromation that would she more light on our situation.

 

 

What makes you think you can hold up your end of the bargain? You have already failed at 2 marriage's and now you are going for lucky number 3. Give it time and this one will bite the dust to. Don't mean to sound cruel but its true. Wait and see what happens when this affair no longer has its secret intoxicating affect

[JamesM]

From what I've experienced and learned in life already... I know that I can uphold my end of the bargain.... she has convinced me that she can too. Only time well tell. I am withholding certain information that would shed more light on our situation.

 

Only time will tell.

 

Those are the key words. However, we all know that history is our teacher. The question is...what does history teach us about situations like this? What can we learn from others who have gone before us?

 

If I were in your shoes, then after two failed marriages and beginning a relationship built on infidelity (no matter the situation and information being withheld), then I would give it much time.

 

The question becomes....have you both recovered from the three divorces between the two of you (assuming she has been divorced only once) and the abuse you have both endured and the hurt from affairs brought upon the two of you?

 

Have the two of you or are the two of you being counseled for all that has happened?

 

About twenty years ago at the same time I was engaged, a salesman who I got to know very well also became engaged. It was his third marriage. He was convinced that this was the one. There was no doubt. And he said to me, "James, when you know, you just know. At my age, (he was about 42) you don't need to wait. My experiences tell me that she is the one for whom I have waited." I listened but being the skeptical one, I was curious if it would last. Sadly, it did not. Less than a year later, this beautiful woman left him. He never remarried.

 

So, I am skeptical here, too. I know how you feel inside, and I know that you are convinced that this will be the one marriage that will make it. My concern based on my experiences is...will you give this relationship enough time to prove that it is the one, or will you assume that because you are "very middle aged," you just know?

 

Only time will tell.

[spiraling downward]

It is no longer secret. Exposure to either one of our families is not going impact what's happening. The wheels are in motion.

[spiraling downward]

The words you write resonate with me and I know that the advice is good. I've admitted that the odds are not in my favor. I don't know how this will ultimately end up. If we are just another statistic.... then it most likely won't work. For now, I'm going to go with the flow.

[spiraling downward]

Do you want everyone to cheer for you?

 

As for shedding more light, does that mean throwing up smokescreens and tossing dirt to justify what you have done? Get more of a cheering section that way and then you can continue feeling happy?

 

You seem to be a bitter person.

 

You certainly planned all this so you wouldn't end up alone. Guess what? Chances are you will end up alone eventually and you have no way to emotionally cope with that.

 

Being the OM is lonely in and of itself... I did not think this relationship was going to go anywhere but now it really appears like things are moving forward in my favor.

 

The relationship you are starting up with your new woman is doomed to failure. Neither of you could be trusted because the relationship was built on lies and deceit.

 

Why is it doomed? Because you say so? MW and I need to give each other the opportunity to trust one another... Trust is something that has to be built between any couple.

[Confused4Now]

The words you write resonate with me and I know that the advice is good. I've admitted that the odds are not in my favor. I don't know how this will ultimately end up. If we are just another statistic.... then it most likely won't work. For now, I'm going to go with the flow.

 

Well you sound like me...all the words. I finally went NC with my MW until she gets our of her situation and in the bottom of my soul I feel she is the one for me. However as each days goes by....I'm thankful that she didn't come into my life last year before all the holidays. Looking at it now...we probably would be broken up by now.

 

The one thing which NC is doing for me is not only am I healing myself but I'm ending the affair mode of the relationship....and right now I'm living my life and dating other women and if somewhere down the road if she's completely out of her marriage. We might revisit our relationship in a real honest way.

 

What i'm also doing is seeing if their are better options out there as well.

All I can say is take it slow....think hard. I was so obsessed with this woman I'd do anything to get her in my life. It is true after the first month of NC it gets easier. I"m working out and working on me.

 

Good luck...but one thing I did learn about this forum is there is a lot of people who know what's going to happen. Yes we all want to be the odd's or statistics but man they are so totally against us. I think their are things you can do to better your odds...I think you know what to do.....

[spiraling downward]

Thank-you for your words.

[fooled once]

yes, there are kids involved on one side... I know that is a serious consideration. But you know and I know that kids are resilliant and they will make there own minds up about things when the time comes.... that is, one day when they can know all the facts.

 

That is the most immature response I have read in a long time regarding children and the trauma they go through with divorce.

 

It is said by someone who it trying to justify their actions.

 

Yuck.

 

I don't see this lasting.

 

You two sought each other out supposedly because of bad marriages and leaned on each other.

 

Once you both finalize divorces and the dust settles, one of you will find someone else who doesn't remind them of the bad things they supposedly had in their marriage.

 

Within a year, the relationship will probably be over.

[fooled once]

You seem to be a bitter person.

 

 

 

Being the OM is lonely in and of itself... I did not think this relationship was going to go anywhere but now it really appears like things are moving forward in my favor.

 

 

 

Why is it doomed? Because you say so? MW and I need to give each other the opportunity to trust one another... Trust is something that has to be built between any couple.

 

why is it always the cheaters who throw out "bitter" when they don't like what they read????? Because someone thinks what you are doing is dishonorable doesn't mean they are bitter.

 

Many just don't like to RAH RAH those that think it is fun, cool, exciting, amusing and all out gleeful to hurt others.

[lkjh]

It is no longer secret. Exposure to either one of our families is not going impact what's happening. The wheels are in motion.

 

You didn't get my point. The fact that your relationship was taboo and secretive made it exciting, now that is over. Once you two settle in and if she then sticks around, you can come on here and talk about success. In the meantime why don't you answer the question.....what makes you think you can hold up the bargain after your failures in the past?

[bentnotbroken]

why is it always the cheaters who throw out "bitter" when they don't like what they read????? Because someone thinks what you are doing is dishonorable doesn't mean they are bitter.

 

Many just don't like to RAH RAH those that think it is fun, cool, exciting, amusing and all out gleeful to hurt others.

 

 

I think it is an easier adjective to pass the lips than say...hurt, disappointed, confused, deceived, gas lighted, disrespected, dishonored, or used. BITTER just has more bite to it, don't you think?

[spiraling downward]

You didn't get my point. The fact that your relationship was taboo and secretive made it exciting, now that is over. Once you two settle in and if she then sticks around, you can come on here and talk about success. In the meantime why don't you answer the question.....what makes you think you can hold up the bargain after your failures in the past?

 

Why? Because I've analyzed my relationships of the past... I understand what I did wrong. I can learn from the past and make changes in myself. That's how I know I can keep my end of the bargain. I understand that sounds ironic, considering the illicit relationship I find myself in... but I can make choices and direct my own actions.

 

You know what? even if she does bail out down the road... my life goes on. I am confident though, that I can keep her in romance for a long, long time. I want the same from her, I'm going to work towards that end.

 

Hell, I moved my 2nd wife back into romance after her indiscretions... of course, that was when I thought I still wanted to make a go of it with her.

[spiraling downward]

I think it is an easier adjective to pass the lips than say...hurt, disappointed, confused, deceived, gas lighted, disrespected, dishonored, or used. BITTER just has more bite to it, don't you think?

 

When someone tells me that I won't be able to emotionally cope with ultimately being alone, I say that person has no clue as to what they know about me. I believe this poster was projecting from their own experience which seemed to be steeped in bitterness.

 

It's really amazing how some of you "moralists" think you understand us "cheaters" better than we know ourselves. You do not know. You can only apply generalizations.