Confused4Now Posted July 14, 2009 Share Posted July 14, 2009 Thanks. I understand what you are saying. If she did pull the rug out from under me... I would be hurt, for sure. What you describe about your trip has already happened to me... after our first trip together. She really pulled back afterwards... but that was before her D-Day with hubby and before I broke it off with her (although that turned out to be a very short break-up... about a week.) I think she is in a very different place right now than she was back then. I just keep reminding myself that there are no guarantees. Trust me you will save yourself a lot of grief if you don't babysit her through all of this. It's a roller coaster for sure so you say you are in control which I said. You can say all the words....but the fact is you want this woman so bad you are afraid of losing her. The only way you can do this is pull way back...or completely out. As long as the husband knows you are in the picture he will try to control her. Let her decide what she wants without you there. If she truly loves you she will do what she has to....I missed how long you've been with this MW...mine was 3 1/2 years before I went NC. Link to post Share on other sites
Author spiraling downward Posted July 14, 2009 Author Share Posted July 14, 2009 Trust me you will save yourself a lot of grief if you don't babysit her through all of this. It's a roller coaster for sure so you say you are in control which I said. You can say all the words....but the fact is you want this woman so bad you are afraid of losing her. The only way you can do this is pull way back...or completely out. As long as the husband knows you are in the picture he will try to control her. Let her decide what she wants without you there. If she truly loves you she will do what she has to....I missed how long you've been with this MW...mine was 3 1/2 years before I went NC. That's already happened as well... he had her under control fairly damn well... I had virtually no access to her. If he would have played his cards right, he probably could have broke us up for good. He kept calling her C*** and Wh*** every third sentence though and pretty much forced her to sleep with him... that probably went on for about two weeks after D-Day. About that time... she told me that she had to give him another chance... I figured we were done. So I did pull back from her.... told her to give him the chance, grieved the relationship and moved on. After about a week, she came after me very hard... told me she wanted me back. I wanted her as well, so we got back together. This episode is what led up to her finally filing for divorce. I believe that her husband has now accepted the reality of the impending divorce and she is in my arms... that's where it stands at the moment. As far as whether she is or is not sleeping with him right now... well, she was with me the last 4 nights so I can tell you he wasn't there for sure. Sex right now, really isn't the issue though. Link to post Share on other sites
Confused4Now Posted July 14, 2009 Share Posted July 14, 2009 told her to give him the chance, grieved the relationship and moved on. After about a week One week is not enough time to grieve the death of a marriage. Just my opinion. I've been removed from my loveless marriage 17 months and I'm now divorce. I can assure you I still grieve from it...... Link to post Share on other sites
GreenEyedLady Posted July 14, 2009 Share Posted July 14, 2009 One week is not enough time to grieve the death of a marriage. Just my opinion. I've been removed from my loveless marriage 17 months and I'm now divorce. I can assure you I still grieve from it...... You know everyone is different... I grieved the death of my M when I was married. It was no surprise that I left my XH. I made my plan in advance of leaving (1.5 years) so by the time I left, the grief was gone and I was ready to move on. I was free and happy to be free! Usually the people who need to grieve are the ones who were left and felt they had little choice in the decision. Some people's M's are just so bad that they're happy when they're done. I'm not saying this is the case here, but it seems that when D is discussed it's such a bad option. Sometimes it's the best option and it doesn't always have to be negative. My children and I not only survived, but thrived. GEL Link to post Share on other sites
Confused4Now Posted July 14, 2009 Share Posted July 14, 2009 You know everyone is different... I grieved the death of my M when I was married. It was no surprise that I left my XH. I made my plan in advance of leaving (1.5 years) so by the time I left, the grief was gone and I was ready to move on. I was free and happy to be free! Usually the people who need to grieve are the ones who were left and felt they had little choice in the decision. Some people's M's are just so bad that they're happy when they're done. I'm not saying this is the case here, but it seems that when D is discussed it's such a bad option. Sometimes it's the best option and it doesn't always have to be negative. My children and I not only survived, but thrived. GELWell for me it wasn't the wife and I relationship part it was the In Laws which I was very close to neices and nephews full family get together's my kids relationship with their cousins that part of it. My relationship with my exWife was long over. But I'm just putting it out there for Spiral.... Link to post Share on other sites
Author spiraling downward Posted July 14, 2009 Author Share Posted July 14, 2009 One week is not enough time to grieve the death of a marriage. Just my opinion. I've been removed from my loveless marriage 17 months and I'm now divorce. I can assure you I still grieve from it...... I was saying that I grieved my affair relationship with the MW when I broke it off. As for my divorce... I have absolutely zero feelings about that relationship. Link to post Share on other sites
Confused4Now Posted July 15, 2009 Share Posted July 15, 2009 I was saying that I grieved my affair relationship with the MW when I broke it off. As for my divorce... I have absolutely zero feelings about that relationship.Again I say... you actually grieved for one week with your MW. Damn I wish I could do that. Truly amazing!! Link to post Share on other sites
fooled once Posted July 15, 2009 Share Posted July 15, 2009 Yes, in time...except that many take too long...they just wallow in it and revel in their "victim status"... Well...maybe not directly...there are warring couples who USE their children to hurt each other and in effect hurt the kids....like trashing and continually talking bad about the former SO... Yes too many MEN and WOMEN wallow in their victim status and rewrite history And you are correct. I have met many men who tell their new girlfriends/wives how horrid their ex wife is and the stepmom then takes it upon herself to cause issues, start problems, etc. I firmly believe that the raising of the children is between the 2 biological parents. Remarry, live with someone - whatever; but keep your new SO in check and tell them to get over it when you have to speak to your ex (the ugly jealousy displayed by so many women towards the ex wife is horrible and only HURTS the children). Women are each others worst enemies. Link to post Share on other sites
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