Would You Trust Him?

[Carolyn]

Hi all, just needing some opinions/advice, thanks .

 

Met this guy online 17 months ago and we are 2 hours apart. In that 17 months, we met only a handful of times and some of the journeys he made, I'd paid for and because he lost his job. I didn't mind paying and because I'd wanted to see him and because it wasn't that expensive for him to get here.

 

4 months ago we split due to some argument and we didn't speak for just over 2 months. He finally contacted me and for the past 5 weeks, contact with him has been sporadic. No mention of getting back together. I'd asked him 4 weeks ago, if he ever intended coming back to see me and he'd said he didn't know. He'd also said I was too far away.

 

For the past 3 weeks, I've heard nothing at all from him. So Im thinking, perhaps I should just move on and I rejoin the dating site. Few days later he spots me on there and same night, called me on phone. This time, he asks if I have met anyone else and I say 'no'. He then mentions he has had his car taxed and insured and he'd like to come and see me....but that I would have to pay the travel expenses and through his bank and before he came here.

 

Why am I getting this strong 'gut feeling', that if I put this money in his bank, he won't show up and make some excuse as to why he cant get here? Why do I get the feeling he is out to con me, of this money? Because if this was a guy who genuinely cared for me, why no contact for 3 weeks?

 

Im unsure whether to trust or not....

[boogieboy]

HELL no dont pay for shyte. Tell him you'll pay him back only when he shows up. He only called you because he thought he was gonna lose you to another guy. You shouldve said yes, you were seeing someone else because he disappeared.

 

A knucklehead with no job gets a woman to wait for him, for 4 months, from two hours away, wants to pay for his trip, and I cant get any replies on stupid Plentyoffish.com and OKC?? I really should put a ***kin bullit in my head.

[2sunny]

the gut feeling is dead on! there is a reason for it... he's using you!

 

i watched an acquantance do this to multiple women for years - he was a huge drug user! used women for any dollar he could get from them - they gave it to him because he told them what they wanted to hear... then he always disappeared... until he needed another 5 or 10 bucks...

 

women always said yes because he was so attractive... the gut never lies.

[Hi.P.O'Crit]

Why am I getting this strong 'gut feeling', that if I put this money in his bank, he won't show up and make some excuse as to why he cant get here? Why do I get the feeling he is out to con me, of this money? Because if this was a guy who genuinely cared for me, why no contact for 3 weeks?

 

Because you're a smart girl.

[Carolyn]

WOW!! I feel so proud of myself now and for managing to get something RIGHT for once!! lol....

[Carolyn]

the gut feeling is dead on! there is a reason for it... he's using you!

 

i watched an acquantance do this to multiple women for years - he was a huge drug user! used women for any dollar he could get from them - they gave it to him because he told them what they wanted to hear... then he always disappeared... until he needed another 5 or 10 bucks...

 

women always said yes because he was so attractive... the gut never lies.

 

Exactly and this what I was thinking. He's telling me what he thinks I want to hear and to get this money.

 

If this was a guy who was genuinely into me, he'd have been up weeks ago and he wouldn't have ignored me for past three weeks either...

 

Obviously I aint as dumb as he likes to think....

[Hi.P.O'Crit]

Yup, look at a man's actions not his words. And listen to your gut. You'll be a lot happier. Hopefully.

[Island Girl]

For the past 3 weeks, I've heard nothing at all from him.

 

Even if there was no prior break up and bullshyte - THIS alone would end it for me.

 

I wouldn't even waste my time communicating with some jerk that just disappears for 3 weeks.

ESPECIALLY one that - after disappearing - suddenly pops up saying he wants to come see me but he needs me to send him money to do that.

FORGET IT!!!!

 

There is NO WAY I'd ever talk to him, want to see him, or think of him as relationship material in any capacity.

[Carolyn]

Even if there was no prior break up and bullshyte - THIS alone would end it for me.

 

I wouldn't even waste my time communicating with some jerk that just disappears for 3 weeks.

ESPECIALLY one that - after disappearing - suddenly pops up saying he wants to come see me but he needs me to send him money to do that.

FORGET IT!!!!

 

There is NO WAY I'd ever talk to him, want to see him, or think of him as relationship material in any capacity.

 

Yes but prior to the breakup, he was always ontacting me daily and sometimes 3 and 4 times a day. The breakup was also my fault ....he was in no way to blame for it.

 

He contacted me first, but his contact has only been sporadic and since the breakup and for the past five weeks. Some exes do decide to get back in touch after a breakup ...I never contact him at all.

 

But as I said, for past 3 weeks I didnt hear anything. Then he calls, as soon as Im back on this dating site. At first I was thinking maybe it was a case of 'he doesnt want me, but he doesnt want anyone else to have me either'....but after hed said hed come up and mentioned me paying and because he didnt have cash to get here....that kinda did it for me.

[Island Girl]

Yes but prior to the breakup, he was always ontacting me daily and sometimes 3 and 4 times a day. The breakup was also my fault ....he was in no way to blame for it.

 

So he WAS doing what should be done when you are interested in someone -- so we already know he is able to and knows how to.

 

The break up makes no difference.

 

He contacted me first, but his contact has only been sporadic and since the breakup and for the past five weeks. Some exes do decide to get back in touch after a breakup ...I never contact him at all.

 

Yes. Some exes do decide they'd like to try again.

And then their best foot is put forward again just as it should be - as it is in the beginning of a relationship.

If someone wants you back then they shouldn't be half-azzing it.

 

He has shown he can be attentive. Then he decides he wants to try the relationship again but he doesn't have to put in any effort?

I wouldn't waste my time on it.

 

But as I said, for past 3 weeks I didnt hear anything.

 

Yeah, the contacting sporadically and then nothing for 3 weeks.

 

As I said before I wouldn't even give him a thought. Just the no contact for 3 weeks and he'd be crossed out as far as having the opportunity to have any kind of relationship with me.

 

My friends don't do that or act that way.

And a guy that I am dating should be treating me better than that.

 

 

Then he calls, as soon as Im back on this dating site. At first I was thinking maybe it was a case of 'he doesnt want me, but he doesnt want anyone else to have me either'....but after hed said hed come up and mentioned me paying and because he didnt have cash to get here....that kinda did it for me.

 

If that kind of did it for you -- then I am glad something did.

 

Seriously. If a guy drops off the planet for 3 weeks and the resurrects himself -- you need to tell him good-bye immediately.

 

There are too many other guys out there who'll appreciate you. Don't waste your time on someone like this jackass.

[Carolyn]

I know how he treats people who are special to him....and because I was special to him once upon a time.

 

And it is because I know how I was treated, as compared to how I am treated now, that made me suspect an ulterior motive. What else could he want, when he so obviously doesn't want me?

 

It didn't take much figuring out...

 

Thanks IG, just needed to see all of what you say, said out loud...

[Island Girl]

You are welcome.

 

I am so glad you see and KNOW you can do so much better!

 

You know how he treated you in the beginning? Make sure ANYONE you date or spend time with treats you like THAT.

And if they start out that way and change...then address it and if it doesn't change then move on. Don't ever stay around hoping it will change.

[2sure]

Is this man your little brother??

 

Then dont give him money to come see you.

[Taramere]

Hi all, just needing some opinions/advice, thanks .

 

Met this guy online 17 months ago and we are 2 hours apart. In that 17 months, we met only a handful of times and some of the journeys he made, I'd paid for and because he lost his job. I didn't mind paying and because I'd wanted to see him and because it wasn't that expensive for him to get here.

 

4 months ago we split due to some argument and we didn't speak for just over 2 months. He finally contacted me and for the past 5 weeks, contact with him has been sporadic. No mention of getting back together. I'd asked him 4 weeks ago, if he ever intended coming back to see me and he'd said he didn't know. He'd also said I was too far away.

 

A couch potato of a man who never does a minute's exercise will get off his backside and walk 5 miles to see you if he really wants you. A guy who's broke will sell stuff/do someone's garden in order to get the bus or train fare to get to you if he really wants you.

 

Don't make excuses for this one. It's a waste of your time and imagination.

 

Few days later he spots me on there and same night, called me on phone. This time, he asks if I have met anyone else and I say 'no'. He then mentions he has had his car taxed and insured and he'd like to come and see me....but that I would have to pay the travel expenses and through his bank and before he came here.

 

Saying no actually uses fewer facial muscles than saying yes. It takes less effort, probably gives you fewer wrinkles - and in this case it will also save you money, disappointment and the sense of embarrassment that comes from being ripped off.

 

Why am I getting this strong 'gut feeling', that if I put this money in his bank, he won't show up and make some excuse as to why he cant get here? Why do I get the feeling he is out to con me, of this money? Because if this was a guy who genuinely cared for me, why no contact for 3 weeks?

 

Because he couldn't be arsed contacting you. Then suddenly he saw a reason to. $$$ and possibly sex thrown in too.

 

I know how he treats people who are special to him....and because I was special to him once upon a time

 

Perhaps you were. I don't want to cast a gloomy cloud over whatever past you had with him. But now? It sounds to me as though he's out to squeeze what he can out of you, in the way that you squeeze the last drops out of a tube of moisturiser before you throw it away. Don't let him do it to you.

 

Compose yourself, tell him that it was lovely to think of you but that you wouldn't want him to go to all that effort of driving all the way to see you and then on top of that having to repay the money you loaned him (with interest at 8% per annum) for petrol. Then spend the money you saved on something nice for yourself.