jasminetea Posted July 7, 2009 Share Posted July 7, 2009 As I've mentioned in other posts, I have had major problems expressing my anger in non-destructive ways all my life. As a result my relationships have suffered greatly. This issue has been very much at the forefront of my mind as I recently got married and I don't want to screw this one up, he's far too special to lose. So, in another thread, Taramere recommended I get a book - 'The Dance of Anger' by Harriet Goldhor Lerner. I received it yesterday and I just can't put it down. I wish I could express myself well enough to convey how its helping me and why, but all I can say is if you're a woman who has an unhealthy expression or repression of anger, its so worth reading. Infact, if you're a woman its probably worth reading whatever. Thanks so much Taramere I have also been looking at a couple of websites Ronni W recommended to me, and they are also very insightful. I understand more about my core beliefs now and how detrimental they are when they aren't positive. As well as that, I'm seeing a counsellor to address these issues. She's got me to keep a journal of my feelings and she's asked me to examine the feelings and their roots when writing about them. Its actually quite hard to set aside time to do this, but when I have, I've found it a good way to let go of negative thoughts. So, my thoughts and feelings seem to be improving and I feel that I'm becoming emotionally healthy at last. I think it may largely be due to the fact that I'm finally motivated to work on myself because I finally have something to work for. What do you think? What are your experiences with your own anger and its control or otherwise? Link to post Share on other sites
Taramere Posted July 7, 2009 Share Posted July 7, 2009 As I've mentioned in other posts, I have had major problems expressing my anger in non-destructive ways all my life. As a result my relationships have suffered greatly. This issue has been very much at the forefront of my mind as I recently got married and I don't want to screw this one up, he's far too special to lose. So, in another thread, Taramere recommended I get a book - 'The Dance of Anger' by Harriet Goldhor Lerner. I received it yesterday and I just can't put it down. I wish I could express myself well enough to convey how its helping me and why, but all I can say is if you're a woman who has an unhealthy expression or repression of anger, its so worth reading. Infact, if you're a woman its probably worth reading whatever. Thanks so much Taramere Yay! Funnily enough, I spotted that book when I was tidying up a couple of days ago. I thought of you, and wondered if you'd started reading it. It's been about 15 years since I read it, and I can barely remember what it said - but I do recall thinking it was excellent, and I've recommended it a few times. Link to post Share on other sites
Author jasminetea Posted July 7, 2009 Author Share Posted July 7, 2009 You can't remember what it said??? I hope that's down to senile dementia rather than a criticism Seriously, its a huge relief to feel that I'm not on my own and I don't have to feel guilty for not being what a woman is 'supposed' to be. I can't help feeling that its no bloody wonder I and others like me, have felt so damn angry and not been able to express it in a constructive way when we've been taught such detrimental beliefs. Anyway.... read it again! Link to post Share on other sites
Taramere Posted July 7, 2009 Share Posted July 7, 2009 You can't remember what it said??? I hope that's down to senile dementia rather than a criticism Seriously, its a huge relief to feel that I'm not on my own and I don't have to feel guilty for not being what a woman is 'supposed' to be. I can't help feeling that its no bloody wonder I and others like me, have felt so damn angry and not been able to express it in a constructive way when we've been taught such detrimental beliefs. Anyway.... read it again! Haha. I think it had such a huge impact on me at the time that it changed the way I dealt with a lot of things. What I do distinctly recall is the message that anger is not, in itself, a shameful thing for a woman to experience (although we're generally taught that it is). It's the out of control behaviour it can lead to which is the problem. When you feel anger, it's a sign that something's wrong, and you shouldn't automatically respond by simply trying to deny it or cover it up with a cheery or martyrish demeanour....as, I think, we're sometimes encouraged to do or rewarded for doing. Link to post Share on other sites
Author jasminetea Posted July 7, 2009 Author Share Posted July 7, 2009 Yes, absolutely. She says the venting of the anger isn't going to solve the problem the anger itself signifies - that's a huge relief, not least as its stopped me feeling my anger is invalid. It really makes me want to have a daughter to teach her how to be angry and also how not to deny her sense of self in a relationship. I feel like crying with relief! Those brief sentiments you've outlined, cover such a (I believe) significant subject. I would dearly love to see some properly funded research done on it; its so important - I can see their effect in many, many of the posts on LS even and not just what some (many) women post, but some (many?) of the men too. As you can probably tell, I'm feeling quite fired up about it. Link to post Share on other sites
hoping2heal Posted July 8, 2009 Share Posted July 8, 2009 I could probably benefit from that as well. I have A LOT of repressed anger, and I know I do. I've been through every kind of abuse, and the atitude towards it all has been or less paw-pawed at for as long as I can remember. When I was being physically abused, to the point of fractured bones; my parents way of dealing with it was sending my away to my aunts for the summer. No less, this was the aunt who's son had been molesting me in my younger years. Now, my parents didn't know this of course, but the point is, I've learned to "keep quiet" and that what I go through isn't valid. I've learned to repress my anger as a way of dealing with the hurt that has been caused to me so many times. Now that I'm in counselling for the sexual abuse, I can see how I have just as many issues and anger with the physical and mental abuse I went through all the time also. I have definately expressed it unhealthily albeit not many times. But I have had violent outbursts. Only 1 so far, but 1 is enough. I know violence really is not okay, even if it was towards someone who once abused me. But yeah sounds good, I think I will check it out . I really love books. Link to post Share on other sites
Author jasminetea Posted July 8, 2009 Author Share Posted July 8, 2009 Oh I hope you do get it. I'd love to hear what you think of it. Are you finding your counselling helpful? Link to post Share on other sites
hoping2heal Posted July 9, 2009 Share Posted July 9, 2009 Counselling is very helpful. To be honest, I think the reason it's helpful is because I feel comfortable with my therapist, but she listens to me. I never had that experience growing up. No one just sat and listened to my thoughts or feelings, or made me feel like they were valid. If anything, I think that has been the most therapeutic part of therapy. If I try talking to my mother about the abuse I've been through, she finds a way to put her guilt on me. She makes it about herself, where as my therapist makes it about ME. I just need that. Link to post Share on other sites
Author jasminetea Posted July 14, 2009 Author Share Posted July 14, 2009 It seems perverse that invalidating a feeling makes that feeling more powerful and conversely - valididating it, takes its power away. Infact, it seems that life is one huge perversion and only by doing the opposite of what one thinks one should do, will get the healthiest outcome. Link to post Share on other sites
Taramere Posted July 14, 2009 Share Posted July 14, 2009 It seems perverse that invalidating a feeling makes that feeling more powerful and conversely - validating it, takes its power away. Infact, it seems that life is one huge perversion and only by doing the opposite of what one thinks one should do, will get the healthiest outcome. I think the crux of it is that emotions are okay and normal....but that we demonstrate strength and character by controlling our emotions rather than have them control us. So, for instance, if someone knows how to press your buttons and get an angry/distressed/fearful response from you, then your behaviour is being dictated by your emotions. Worse still, another person is is manipulating those emotions that dictate your behaviour. So the knee-jerk response is to deny having the emotion altogether, rather than to focus on preventing it from dictating your behaviour. "Oh please. Of course I'm not angry. I'm just amused by all this!" "Me, afraid of something like that? Hey, I can handle anything that comes my way. Bring it on!" "I'm not embarrassed. Why should I be embarrassed? I'm the one who...." And it leads to those endless arguments as people try harder and harder to force us to admit to feeling whatever emotion it was they hoped to incite. It can turn crazy, as two people who are normally friends/genuinely care about eachother will stop at almost nothing to elicit whatever emotion it is they want to witness in the other person. So often the best way to short-circuit all that is for one person to admit to having a particular emotion....and the moment they do, those involved in the dispute will probably demonstrate some acceptance that it's part of the human condition to have negative feelings sometimes, as well as positive ones. Link to post Share on other sites
Trialbyfire Posted July 14, 2009 Share Posted July 14, 2009 Anger can be useful if the energy is redirected towards getting a positive result. There won't be a "winning" result for everytime you get angry but it's a matter of picking your battles wisely. Beyond that, try to let it go or it can consume you. This doesn't mean you repress it. Accept and acknowledge to yourself that you ARE angry and why. While I can't always do this in every instance, it gets easier, the more I practice it. Also, don't beat yourself up if you slip up. As long as it's within reason, it's okay to mess up here and there, and for that matter, if you show your fangs and claws once in awhile, it will put others on notice that you're not easy meat. Link to post Share on other sites
Author jasminetea Posted July 15, 2009 Author Share Posted July 15, 2009 The other thing I've been thinking about recently is the difference between shame and guilt. Shame locks one (me) into anger but guilt allows one (me) to not be angry. I think its to do with feeling either that I am a bad person, which is the shame bit; or that my actions are bad, which is the guilt bit. If I believe that I'm an evil person then it becomes pointless to alter my behaviour, because it'll just be a facade and I'll always remain bad underneath. But if I as a person am actually ok and its my actions that are destructive, then its possible to behave differently. Hope is a great thing! Which leads me onto arrogance. Arrogance I believe, is the flip side to shame. Both are destructive because both mean one doesn't change one's negative behaviours. Arrogance leads to the thought that there is no need to change and shame leads to the thought that its impossible to change. And with both, there is an absence of hope. And that was a stream of consciousness! Link to post Share on other sites
GrayClouds Posted August 7, 2009 Share Posted August 7, 2009 Which leads me onto arrogance. Arrogance I believe, is the flip side to shame. Both are destructive because both mean one doesn't change one's negative behaviours. Arrogance leads to the thought that there is no need to change and shame leads to the thought that its impossible to change. And with both, there is an absence of hope. And that was a stream of consciousness! Nice point Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts