We broke up....we're still connected intimately....do we try to get back together?

[jugifruit]

My boyfriend and I dated for 5.5 months and broke up about 3 weeks ago. It was amazing in the beginning (we were in lust) and everything happened so fast. We talked about marriage, family, and moving away together. Our biggest issue was my lack of trust and faith in the relationship. As I look back on it, I can see where it may have just gotten to be too much to handle. When we broke up it we were both in a "rage" and said some pretty awful things to eachother. I waited 3 days to call him and "check-in". We were both considerate on the phone and I could feel that although things were so hurtful just a couple of days prior, the love was still there.

 

We decided to hang out that week but we've only really spent 3 days together in the past 3 weeks. All of which have been GREAT! We have a connection that is like no other. We just "get" eachother. I gave him the whole story about not being able to be friends, needing to move on, etc. etc. He seemed accepting of this but didn't it felt more or less like he was just trying to be understanding of my position. I've continued to give him his space and when he calls I'm elated! However, finding the balance between being at his beccon call (because I miss him so much) and playing "unavailable" is very difficult. I know he loves me "a lot" as he has said this on many occassion since our break-up. When we're together, it just feels right.

 

Two days ago we met to "study" and I was fine until about 3 hours into it. We were eating lunch and I just couldn't do anything to hold back the tears. He asked if he should just leave and I said yes....then no....then yes. Finally, we decided to go back to my place to talk. We held eachother and talked about the night we broke up and how we were both so angry that we said things we didn't mean. I then just flat out asked him if he truly wanted to end this relationship. I told him I wanted to take things slow and focus on all of the good between us. I wanted to be close to him again. He told me he "really didn't want it to be over" but he's scared that he won't be able to give me what I need. I'm an attention hog and have some work to do with regard to trust and insecurity but I am willing to do this for I truly believe that we have all of the variables to make a wonderful future together. He's got things he needs to work on as well and he's communicated that he still needs his space.

 

My questions are this: How will I know if he's taking advantage of this situation? How do I protect myself against being used? Do you think it's important to give him his space (while neglecting my own needs for affection and intimate time together)? Am I overlooking important messages from his actions/words that point out his intentions are different than what he professes?

[ArdeaCandidissima]

If he wants space, give it to him. There is no dignified, legal way to keep him from taking it anyhow. You need to have a life before you call really share it with someone. Work on yourself and your own head, and you will find it a lot easier to answer questions like

 

How will I know if he's taking advantage of this situation? How do I protect myself against being used?

 

by yourself.

 

And rather than

 

being at his beccon call

 

let's use

 

being at his beck and call

.

[broken2]

I'm going through the same thing right now. My plan is to just try and let it go for a while until my feelings calm down and I'm able to think more clearly about this. Something that helps is writing a letter to my GF telling her how I feel but never sending it to her. I also try to hang out with my friends (girls and boys) and study/work as much as possible, staying busy helps. I'm just taking it one day at a time and making a goal of a couple weeks to not talk to her and take it from there. I believe you will find when you get some distance and time to spend on yourself that the anxieties you have become more lucid.

 

Ray

[Arabess]

It seems as though you are looking for a relationship on a deeper level than he is. After being intimate with a guy....alot of females just assume the relationship has moved to a more committed phase.

 

HOWEVER, and this is a big HOWEVER, having the "expectation" conversation after the fact just won't fix it.

 

Don't become his "door mat sex toy" just to try to keep him in your life. Tell him how you feel....if he doesn't feel the same way (and it appears he doesn't).....you may have to move on without him. It's tough to feel somewhat used after sex....I refer to it as the 'hump and dump' routine. It's hard to accept...but it happens.

 

Give him some space....and see where it leads.

 

PS: I'm sorry you are going thru this though. I know it is painful.

[sberg126]

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Dear Heart broken,

I know. It feels so hard to be apart from him.

 

Yet it hurts

once you've been with him,

and you have to leave him.

Again

and Again.

Yet you go back and become more hurt

by having to leave him again.

You'll ask yourself though... Where is this leading

"YOU."

 

Friendship is the key,

my little smurfling.

Time is the key.

Take a long Rest from him.

think of it like a nap when you are extremely

exhausted. Then eventually

you will wake up refreshed.

Better:)

There is a life for him beyond what once was.

Believe me or not,

there is one for You.

Remeber, His life won't never ever ever be the same without important little ol' you.

 

You've got to believe that you're are special enough-

you are strong enough-

and there ARE people around you that would make just as big a sacrifice as he would.

Hell, perhaps even bigger.

For You.

Simplybecause they do love you. Wether Family or - sometimes more importantly friends( good one's at least). Uncondicionally!