My Wife Lied to me....

[Ppeterson]

[FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3]When we first started dating my girlfriend (now my wife) and I had a very frank talk about what sexual fantasies we would like to fulfill before settling down. She had none. I had a big one. I wanted to do a threesome. I was half-expecting her to leave, but I really loved her and wanted to be upfront about how I felt. She said that she understood, and that for me to please let her know in the future if this was something I felt I had to do. She didn’t want to be left out, and she didn’t want me to feel that I had to go someplace else to fulfill this wish.[/sIZE][/FONT]

 

[FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3]Fast forward 14 years. We’re married and I no longer want to do a threesome. However for the first 5 years of our relationship this topic would come up again and again. She was always resistant to it. She said that me continually asking for this at the beginning of our relationship caused a great deal of pain. I finally stopped asking in year 5 understanding that it was never going to happen.[/sIZE][/FONT]

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[FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3]However, in year 12-13 of our relationship she finally comes clean and tells me that she never had any intention of doing a threesome, and that the only reason she said that she would was to find out when I was getting bored with her. So now I’m obviously pissed-off. Not only do I feel like I was setup for failure, but she held her hurt feelings over my head for years. Anytime I asked her why she was holding back, she would bring up my pressuring her to do a threesome as the root cause. Mind you, the same threesome she agreed to do. Now her response to all of this is, “I’m really sorry, but you’re going to have to forgive me so that we can move forward.”[/sIZE][/FONT]

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[FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3]I know my anger is justified, and I’m not going to leave her, and I still don’t want to do a threesome anymore. I just SUCK! So why am I writing this……BECAUSE I’VE BEEN WRONGED! AND I’M POWERLESS TO DO ANYTHING BUT SHAKE MY FIST IN THE AIR DISGUST AND THEN FORGIVE HER![/sIZE][/FONT]

[Thaddeus]

A few things come to mind (and, if you can, please fix the formatting, it makes the post hard to read):

 

• Threesomes are a nice fantasy, but the reality isn't all it's cracked up to be. Too many knees and elbows flying around. Trust me on this, k?
  
• On one hand, you are to be commended for your honesty by telling her this fantasy. But on the other hand, what's commendable about honesty in a relationship is not always the smartest thing to do. For instance, the age-old question, "Do I look fat in these pants?" is NO time to be harshly honest. ("Well, dear, the pants don't have anything to do with it.)
  
• Yes, she should have been clear, right up-front, that it wasn't anything she wanted to do. A man should not be expected to read his wife's mind. That said, I'm a bit surprised that it took 5 years to "get it" that she wasn't interested in a threesome. Continually asking about it wouldn't get her to change her mind. She probably felt something like, "I should be enough for him, there shouldn't be any need to introduce another party into our intimate time" or something of the sort.
  
• So yes, you feel betrayed and put out. She wasn't clear with you and she should have been. But that's clearly now in the past and she wants to move forward.
  

Best advice I could give, FWIW, is to do exactly as she requests: Forgive her. Build upon what you have.

 

Shake your fist all you want (at a wall, at a tree, but NOT AT HER) and forgive her. Hold her in your arms, tell her you love her, tell her you're sorry for disrespecting her (because that's probably what she feels like), lift her up, carry her into the bedroom and make sweet love to her. Gently. Carefully. Slowly.

[2sure]

Hey, you know, we all lie.

 

That aside: In all likelihood the threesome was never going to happen anyway and she knew it. So, although she didnt think it would ever really interest her she didnt feel like it was a potential deal breaker. Because every guy has this fantasy and we hear it all the time. But thats where it stays.

 

Why are you no longer interested in having a threesome?

[Ppeterson]

I now believe it's wrong, and the disease factor makes is something best left in the fantasy realm. However, the lying part of the equation is what still burns me up. She took years to get over that, and now she expects me to just let it go overnight. Not fair! But that's what I'll do. If the shoe was on the other foot, it would be a whole different ballgame, let-me-tell-ya! She holds onto grudges for years.

[Thaddeus]

She took years to get over that, and now she expects me to just let it go overnight. Not fair!

Of course it's not fair. Fairness doesn't enter into it.

She holds onto grudges for years.

Pretty standard, unfortunately. My ex was famous for that, she'd remember something I said off-the-cuff for years - decades, even - hold it over my head and bring it up at the worst possible time.

 

That, too, was not fair. But it's reality.

 

Fortunately, now she's making someone else's life a living hell right now. Better him than me! He wanted her, he now has her. (Moral: Be careful what you wish for, because you just might get it.)

[2sure]

I now believe it's wrong, and the disease factor makes is something best left in the fantasy realm.

 

She did . She lied. She lied to protect you from yourself. She lied knowing that eventually your good sense would prevail and you would come around. She lied like a mother lies to a little boy when he says he wants to be King: "Maybe someday". Yes, its a lie . But she knows he'll grow out of it. Your wife became frustrated that as time went by, it took you longer to grow out of it than she had anticpated.

[Ppeterson]

Yes I'm actually am glad now that I did not have one. However, it sucks that she didn't think enough of me to tell me the truth. I think we're getting hung up on the act and not the lie part. If she had been straight with me, we never would have come to this point. It's one thing to say something to protect someone, but it's something completely different when you string someone along promising them something you know you'll never give them. That's the part that really stinks!

[GorillaTheater]

Yes I'm actually am glad now that I did not have one. However, it sucks that she didn't think enough of me to tell me the truth. I think we're getting hung up on the act and not the lie part. If she had been straight with me, we never would have come to this point. It's one thing to say something to protect someone, but it's something completely different when you string someone along promising them something you know you'll never give them. That's the part that really stinks!

 

I've got to tell you, I'm less than sympathetic.

 

I think you're acting like a little boy who's pissed off that he didn't, in fact, become king.

 

You're better than that, so do you and your wife a favor and knock it off.

[Adunaphel]

Look at it this way:

she lied.

she spent years worrying that you might really insist on having a threesome, feeling bad and wondering whether you got bored of the relationship every single time the subject was mentioned.

that's a relatively high price to pay for a lie.

 

I'm glad to hear you are still together and I have no doubt you'll move on.

[stuckinoz]

I've got to tell you, I'm less than sympathetic.

 

I think you're acting like a little boy who's pissed off that he didn't, in fact, become king.

 

You're better than that, so do you and your wife a favor and knock it off.

 

I was just thinking this as I was reading. Exactly this.

Don't marriages have enough challenges these days than for you to be all pissed off at her because she never intended to fulfill your fantasy? Sheesh.

ESPECIALLY...since you say now, you're not even interested. Then what's your point posting here??

[Ppeterson]

Sheesh! If I wanted the abuse, I would just go home! I posted my comment because I'm venting my frustration at there being two vastly different sets of rules in our marriage. One for her, and the other for me. What would you do if you found out that your wife was lying to you for years?

[GorillaTheater]

Sheesh! If I wanted the abuse, I would just go home! I posted my comment because I'm venting my frustration at there being two vastly different sets of rules in our marriage. One for her, and the other for me. What would you do if you found out that your wife was lying to you for years?

 

Relax, I gave you same friendly swat on the back of your head that I'd give any of my friends who came to me with the same issue.

 

I'm having trouble seeing this lie, given the topic and context, as being a big deal. You want to tell me that you've never lied to her? About anything?

[Ppeterson]

Of course I've lied, but never about anything so big, so constant or so long. The thing that happened is that she continually has pointed to this incident as the reason for why she's reserved with me. She constantly brings up the fact that because I asked her for this (and she agreed), that this is the reason why she doesn't want to be more adventurous, or open, or anything. It's always my fault for asking and being honest.

 

So when she finally told me the truth, it kinda put everything in a different light. Suddenly I wasn't the jerk, she was. And then she quickly turns around and says that I have to get over it, when she was allowed to stew and make my life uncomfortable for years. It also makes me wonder, what else she isn't being truthful about.

[GorillaTheater]

It was "big" to you, not her. It sounds like it made her pretty uncomfortable. Yeah, maybe she should have gave you a flat-out "no", but she probably didn't know how to deal with it because she was afraid of losing you. And having a threesome is not even "big" to you anymore.

 

It was "constant" and "long" because you hung on to it with a deathgrip. You probably made the poor woman crazy.

 

You're obsessing. You're not being rational about this. Let it go. And consider apologizing for being a big, constant, long-term jerk about it.

[WARREN86]

Quick question man. What if she was the one wanting a threesome and it involved a another dude, how would that make you feel? You know you love her, but you probably wouldn't want that knowing that you gonna be having sex with her with some other dude screwing her too.

 

As far as your fantasy, maybe you should've gotten that done with before you married her...just to get it out of your system. I wouldn't want to ask this of my future wife bc it's degrading.

[stuckinoz]

Sheesh! If I wanted the abuse, I would just go home! I posted my comment because I'm venting my frustration at there being two vastly different sets of rules in our marriage. One for her, and the other for me. What would you do if you found out that your wife was lying to you for years?

 

This is hardly abuse. We're just calling it like we see it.

Venting or not - You sound as if you are making this WAY bigger than it really is.

And you say you've lied too....But not about anything THIS big? So, what have you lied about?

 

As far as your fantasy, maybe you should've gotten that done with before you married her...just to get it out of your system. I wouldn't want to ask this of my future wife bc it's degrading.

 

EXACTLY!!!

Maybe you should ask a few out there that HAVE had this fantasy fulfilled. I'm sure they will share a story or two about how their marriage fell apart after such things happened. Hell, I could tell you stories myself about my husband's OBSESSION about my being with another man/threesome. It's a GREAT idea in Theory...But the Reality of any of it - is very dangerous. She quite possibly saved you from a lot of heartache.

[silktricks]

So for 5 years you were after her to have a threesome - and then finally figured out that it was never going to happen.... now, because she told you she never DID want to have a threesome you have finally come to the conclusion that she lied about it in the beginning.... Didn't it cross your mind once in awhile during those 5 years that you wanted it and she resisted that she had lied about being willing to do this with you - not even once???

 

Boy, I bet those first 5 years were a real joy for your wife.... she must have felt like she was never really good enough for you.. and now she's dealing with your anger about it, she probably feels the same thing all over again.

 

How did it come up 8 years after you had "given up" on it?

 

Anyway, from this woman's point of view... I could see myself telling a soon to be husband that I'd be willing to do a threesome at some point - hoping like hell that he'd never actually WANT to do it. That I'd be enough. I wouldn't (at the time at least) feel like I was lying, because I'd be thinking that I'd try to go through with it for him. But when push came to shove, I doubt I'd be able to do it.... In retrospect - if I was feeling particularly introspective AND particularly safe in my marriage - I may be able to admit both to myself and my husband that I hadn't been particularly truthful. That I never truly wanted to do a threesome.

 

I don't know if that was the story for your lady, but I wouldn't be surprised.

 

Anyway, I hope you get past your anger.

[Adunaphel]

So why am I writing this……BECAUSE I’VE BEEN WRONGED! AND I’M POWERLESS TO DO ANYTHING BUT SHAKE MY FIST IN THE AIR DISGUST AND THEN FORGIVE HER![/sIZE][/FONT]

 

I was re-reading your post.... *why* do you feel wronged and disgusted, if I may ask?

Is it because of the lack of honesty in itself?

Because had she told you the truth things would have gone differently and you'd not be together?

Because what she said sounded to you more like an accusation than like an apology?

Because you would not have insisted had you known the truth sparing both of you some pain or frustation?

Because you feel she pretended to be into a lifestyle she is not?

Because you feel like she played games?

Do you take as a personal thing the fact that she lied?

Why?

 

I think the sooner you understand exactly why you feel upset, the sooner the upset feeling will fade away, as even in your first post you sound happy with your relationship.

[sally4sara]

A good portion of a woman's ability to be open and willing to explore new thing sexually hangs on how much trust she has in her partner.

 

Everything you've typed clearly says to me that your interest in having a threesome made her doubt how much trust she could give you.

 

Yeah, she should've communicated this, but she wouldn't be the first person to lack good communication skills. And hey, being comfortable with communicating one's feeling is ALSO effected by how much they trust the person they are trying to communicate with. If you want to be mad and stay mad, at least be mad about things you can do something about. Why don't you both go see a counselor to help you work on trust and communication?

 

Who knows.....it might help your sex life in ways a threesome never could.

[Jersey Shortie]

As a woman, we sometimes get stuck in a hard place when it comes to sexual things our men want. On one hand, yes we want to make you happy. On the other, sometimes men fantasies are pretty threatening to the things we ourselves want out of life. Considering all the lables women get from whore to prude, we are can easily be on a type-rope.

 

I can actually understand a woman "lying" about being interested in a threesome. Alot of men put so much stock in threesomes. If I was a woman trying to make my man happy but balancing it out with what I wanted as well, I *might* tell him "oh yeah a threesome sounds so great!". But seriously, OP, the last thing most women want to hear is about how a man doesn't want just you sexually but also wants other women. And sometimes it's an insult to *some* women when they want their wife/gf to just be another one of the heard to cater to his sexual whims.

 

You admit that you have lied about other things. May I ask what things you have lied about to your wife?

[Ppeterson]

Yeah, I put the fabric softner in during the correct cycle

I'll do the dishes before I go to bed

 

I'm basically a very honest guy. Mainly because I don't want to spend the time to try and remember what lies I've told. And when push comes to shove, I would cave like a house of cards under cross-examination. I just don't like lying.

 

The getting it out of my system is why I brought it up in the first place.

 

Oh she also let me know that she was just trying to act like one of the 'flirty girls' she always wanted to be. And that I just got caught up in the game. Oops sorry, thanks for playing. So the whole thing was an act. I guess I should've mentioned that earlier...

[Jersey Shortie]

Sometimes women also get caught up in trying to act like one of the "flithy girls" they know their men want them to be even if they don't really feel good about being just that. Usually because there is a stereotype about what is "sexy" and alot of women striving to act like that even if it doesn't really corresponde to their own sexual desires. We know what turns men on. And sometimes I think alot of women fear that if they don't live up to the standard and fantasy alot of men pick up on now-a-days, that their men will turn to other outlets to fullfill that. Cut the woman a break.

[stuckinoz]

I think the last few posters hit the nail on the head with some of the things they said. Women will say things out of insecurity, to make their men happy. Whether they say "I MIGHT try it" or "I WILL do it". What would have happened if she had said NO WAY...right up front? What would be different?

 

Did you REALLY want a threesome SOOO badly, that you are willing to just stay pissed at her for this?

[Ppeterson]

How did it come up 8 years after you had "given up" on it?

 

She was raking me over the coals about it and she let it slip that she never intended to do this.

[Adunaphel]

What I do not get is why his W waited 12 years to mention that she was never interested in a threesome.

She felt bad everytime he mentioned it... but she could have laid her cards on the table in those occasions...and apparently chose not to.

 

I know this is only as a side of the story... no idea about the other side... yet I am trying to put myself in the OP's shoes (not easy as I could never be with someone who was interested in a threesome) and I have to admit that in a similar situation (I pressured my partner for something I thought he was okay with) I'd be angry and thinking "why you never told me? you could have been clear, every single time the subject was brought up, instead of not saying anything and harboring bad feelings toward me!". I'd be wondering if my partner thinks poorly of me ("so he thought I'd leave him for this? he does not know me at all!").

 

Ppeterson, if you knew for sure that the only reason she lied about the threesome thing is that she did not want to lose you, would it make any difference in the way you feel?