My Wife Lied to me....

[tami-chan]

I kind of fail to see what that matters. Once your married, you are married. Regardless of conversation you had before marraige.

 

wow....really? so all the things we agree on before tying the knot goes out the window! Interesting....no wonder there are cheaters and very unhappy married people.

[Gamine]

Sorry, I'm strictly 'old school'. If a man ever asked me to do a threesome I'd take it to mean he absolutely did not love me. Period. There could be no bigger turn off to me and I would be out the door no discussions and no questions asked. I'd say your wife was trying to at least be respectful of your 'fantasy' but may view it as you trying to degrade her... at least that is how I would see it.

[malcom5]

I find it strange that so many posters in this thread completely dismiss how he feels. Dismiss it, tell him to forget it, that how he feels basically doesn't matter. I promise you, if the roles were reversed, she damn sure wouldn't so easily let it go.

 

The fact that he's no longer interested at this point in his life, to me is a non-factor. Before they were married, before marriage was even a serious consideration, they had a discussion about their own sexual fantasies. Only to find out over a decade later that she was only lying to him. Saying she felt it was a deal breaker if she had told him the truth about her not wanting it.

 

As much as people on this board, and more than a few posters in this thread, preach on and on about honesty and communication in relationships and marriage, it's comical to read some of these things. Having a set of rules for one person and then another set of rules for another is BS. If he was honest enough with her way back then before he was even really invested in her and their relationship, she should have been honest with him in return.

 

If it was a deal breaker, then ****, you weren't going to make it anyway!

 

Sounds more like honesty only when it suits you.

 

I can completely understand where the OP is coming from. If she would lie about something this insignificant, who knows what else she would lie about. Something like that would make me question the entire relationship.

[Gamine]

I find it strange that so many posters in this thread completely dismiss how he feels. Dismiss it, tell him to forget it, that how he feels basically doesn't matter. I promise you, if the roles were reversed, she damn sure wouldn't so easily let it go.

 

The fact that he's no longer interested at this point in his life, to me is a non-factor. Before they were married, before marriage was even a serious consideration, they had a discussion about their own sexual fantasies. Only to find out over a decade later that she was only lying to him. Saying she felt it was a deal breaker if she had told him the truth about her not wanting it.

 

As much as people on this board, and more than a few posters in this thread, preach on and on about honesty and communication in relationships and marriage, it's comical to read some of these things. Having a set of rules for one person and then another set of rules for another is BS. If he was honest enough with her way back then before he was even really invested in her and their relationship, she should have been honest with him in return.

 

If it was a deal breaker, then ****, you weren't going to make it anyway!

 

Sounds more like honesty only when it suits you.

 

I can completely understand where the OP is coming from. If she would lie about something this insignificant, who knows what else she would lie about. Something like that would make me question the entire relationship.

 

 

If not getting a threesome is all this guy has to complain about I'd say he's come out ahead of the game. I don't know how men nowadays consider the traits of their spouses and the relative importance of morality in their equations. I would tend to think a man would prefer being with a woman who wasn't sexually twisted. And, if the OP finds her reluctance to sexually degrade herself for his pleasure 'under contract' then perhaps marriage isn't for him and he should select a wife from a local brothel.

[Thaddeus]

Look, here's the thing that is in danger of getting missed here.

 

He's got a legitimate beef. But many people get hung up on the idea that the conflict arose because of a suggested threesome. And that's not the issue at all.

 

If you 'll read the OPs posts in the thread, it's abundantly clear that it's not about the threesome - it's about the lying and the double-standard. That is, if he lied about something then she would hold it over his head for ages, maybe years... but if she lied about something, she expects him to just forgive and forget in a heartbeat.

 

That double-standard is pretty typical, I'm afraid. Women tend to have long memories and will bring up past mistakes over and over and over again, while men are expected to let bygones be bygones almost immediately.

 

Yes, it's unfair. It's also reality.

[Ppeterson]

I find it strange that so many posters in this thread completely dismiss how he feels. Dismiss it, tell him to forget it, that how he feels basically doesn't matter. I promise you, if the roles were reversed, she damn sure wouldn't so easily let it go.

 

The fact that he's no longer interested at this point in his life, to me is a non-factor. Before they were married, before marriage was even a serious consideration, they had a discussion about their own sexual fantasies. Only to find out over a decade later that she was only lying to him. Saying she felt it was a deal breaker if she had told him the truth about her not wanting it.

 

As much as people on this board, and more than a few posters in this thread, preach on and on about honesty and communication in relationships and marriage, it's comical to read some of these things. Having a set of rules for one person and then another set of rules for another is BS. If he was honest enough with her way back then before he was even really invested in her and their relationship, she should have been honest with him in return.

 

If it was a deal breaker, then ****, you weren't going to make it anyway!

 

Sounds more like honesty only when it suits you.

 

I can completely understand where the OP is coming from. If she would lie about something this insignificant, who knows what else she would lie about. Something like that would make me question the entire relationship.

 

You got it exactly. It wasn't a deal breaker, but the lying part is the biggy. And she would've held it over my head for years if the tables were turned. There's a complete double-standard. You can't have one set of rules for yourself, and a completely different set of rules for your spouse. It's not right.

[Ppeterson]

If not getting a threesome is all this guy has to complain about I'd say he's come out ahead of the game. I don't know how men nowadays consider the traits of their spouses and the relative importance of morality in their equations. I would tend to think a man would prefer being with a woman who wasn't sexually twisted. And, if the OP finds her reluctance to sexually degrade herself for his pleasure 'under contract' then perhaps marriage isn't for him and he should select a wife from a local brothel.

 

My that's a little harsh isn't it? You're missing the point. It's not about the threesome. It's the honesty factor. And the fact that she kept lying. And if I lied about something, suddenly I was this awful person (I forgot to add fabric softner during the right cycle, lied about it, and then admitted it later, and was duly chastised for a couple years over my inability to do the laundry correctly). She lies about this issue, rakes me over the coals for years about it, admits finally that she never intended to do it, and then says that I have to forgive her and get over it right away. Yeah, I shouldn't have wanted one. But at least I was up front about it and didn't lie or sneak behind her back to do it. If I had known she didn't want to do it from the start, I would have let it go. Just like I let go of the idea of skydiving. It's something that at one point in my life I thought I'd like to try. But now that I've grown up I realize that it's not worth all the risk that's involved.

[Ppeterson]

Look, here's the thing that is in danger of getting missed here.

 

He's got a legitimate beef. But many people get hung up on the idea that the conflict arose because of a suggested threesome. And that's not the issue at all.

 

If you 'll read the OPs posts in the thread, it's abundantly clear that it's not about the threesome - it's about the lying and the double-standard. That is, if he lied about something then she would hold it over his head for ages, maybe years... but if she lied about something, she expects him to just forgive and forget in a heartbeat.

 

That double-standard is pretty typical, I'm afraid. Women tend to have long memories and will bring up past mistakes over and over and over again, while men are expected to let bygones be bygones almost immediately.

 

Yes, it's unfair. It's also reality.

 

 

Exactly! And that's why I posted. Out of frustration at the double-standard. Even though I forgave her willingly, and would do the same again and again.

[malcom5]

If not getting a threesome is all this guy has to complain about I'd say he's come out ahead of the game. I don't know how men nowadays consider the traits of their spouses and the relative importance of morality in their equations. I would tend to think a man would prefer being with a woman who wasn't sexually twisted. And, if the OP finds her reluctance to sexually degrade herself for his pleasure 'under contract' then perhaps marriage isn't for him and he should select a wife from a local brothel.

 

That's not even the point. The threesome is a non-issue now. It's over and done, and according to the OP, for quite some time. The issue is the lying. So many people are quick to dismiss it. It's so insignificant, but it's the fact that for over a decade, she stuck to the same lie only to come clean now saying she never had any intention ever to go through with sometimes that she said she was completely willing to do.

 

If I was married and my wife would lie to me about something like this, my head would be spinning. I wouldn't know if I could ever believe anything she ever said again.

[Jersey Shortie]

You got it exactly. It wasn't a deal breaker, but the lying part is the biggy. And she would've held it over my head for years if the tables were turned. There's a complete double-standard. You can't have one set of rules for yourself, and a completely different set of rules for your spouse. It's not right.

 

So when the double-standard worked for you, that was okay. Such as suggesting a threesome with another woman and not offering her something in equal terms of you getting to bed two women at once. How down would you have been with having a threesome with another man and your wife? How many men do you know would be willing, happy or pleased to give their wife/gf such a delightful fullfilled fantasy? If your woman wanted a threesome herself, would you have happily given it to her?

 

I agree with Gamine on the comments. What the heck do you men want? You want commitment from that special lady but you also want her to be all a twitter when you talk about wanting to sexually bed other women on top of already having her? No offense but sometimes you men rather women play up to your fantaties then really caring about learning what our real fantasties are. And you men spend so much time looking at porn, you got every guy and his brother thinking he needs to have a threesome to be fullfilled as a man. Again, you want to talk about double standards. Well you guys have plenty of those yourself and usually alot of them have to do with sex and sexuality and the rules you want for women and the rules you want for yourselves.

 

You should count yourself lucky that you had a girl that cared that much about you that she played into your little fantasy. Why? BECAUSE SHE CLEARLY LOVES YOU. You don't indulge a man's fantasy when you don't care about him.

 

You put her in a tough spot. You don't understand what it can be like for women. When we fall in love, we want the man that loves us to want us. Not feel like he needs threesomes and pornstars to be happy. But we also know that's exactly what makes men happy on some level. She didn't want to take that away from you. She wasn't lying to you to cheat you out of something. She played along with you because she didn't want to take something away from you.

[malcom5]

Now he's lucky that a woman cared enough to lie to him for so long because she cared about his ego? lol.. well then lets tell everyone man and woman that's been cheated on by their spouse or significant other that it's okay that they were betrayed and lied to. They were only trying to protect their feelings and ego by not telling them they were ****ing someone else on the side, so that makes it okay!

 

Don't ask for honesty if you really don't want honesty. He asked his then g/f for honesty, and what did she do? Placate him instead of being honest and saying no, I don't want to be a part of a threesome.

 

It's the simple fact of saying what you mean and meaning what you say. If you have no intention of being apart of a threesome, then don't tell someone that. If you say yes to a threesome, don't be surprised when the person wanting it tries to make it happen!

 

I don't understand why it's even something worth lying about, and that's why it's such a big deal. Something as small as a threesome snowballs into this.

[Ppeterson]

How down would you have been with having a threesome with another man and your wife? How many men do you know would be willing, happy or pleased to give their wife/gf such a delightful fullfilled fantasy? If your woman wanted a threesome herself, would you have happily given it to her?

 

I agree with Gamine on the comments. What the heck do you men want? You want commitment from that special lady but you also want her to be all a twitter when you talk about wanting to sexually bed other women on top of already having her? No offense but sometimes you men rather women play up to your fantaties then really caring about learning what our real fantasties are. And you men spend so much time looking at porn, you got every guy and his brother thinking he needs to have a threesome to be fullfilled as a man. Again, you want to talk about double standards. Well you guys have plenty of those yourself and usually alot of them have to do with sex and sexuality and the rules you want for women and the rules you want for yourselves.

 

Please read the entire thread before going on the attack. I offered that to her as well. I'm totally straight, but I offered that in an attempt to be fair. And to be totally honest, thinking that maybe if she saw that I was willing to do that for her, that she would be less picky over who the other lady would be.

All I keep hearing is, "You Men, You Men, You Men!" I didn't force her to do anything she didn't agree to of her own free will. I didn't threaten, I didn't lie, I was completely up front about what I wanted and why. And what did I get for my efforts? Lies!

 

And I asked her repeatedly over the years about what her fantasies might be. And she has none. It's been that way from the start. I asked her if there's anything she wanted me to do for her. Man, please read all of the thread before posting.

[Heroic]

OK, try this on for size, what if he had wanted kids and she lied about wanting kids......

 

The threesome thing is window dressing on the issue and everyone is getting hung up on that.

 

She held back on him because he suggested something, agreed to it when she didn't want to and strung him along for years.

 

Let's say she had said she wanted kids and had kept secretly on birth control for years or with held intimacy because he wanted children and she didn't.

 

Ya'll gettin hung up in the semantics and not looking at the issue.

 

It shows a HUGE lack of courage, respect and honesty.

[Jersey Shortie]

She didn't lie about kids. That doesn't have anything to do with the discussion. Had she, this would be a different conversation. Not all lies are created equal. No one here has never not lied in their life. She lied about a lame threesome fantasy. Ridiculous that the OP is going to hold it over her head. I think this issue runs deeper then the lie itself. Some unresolved resentment issues he has for his female partner.

[Ppeterson]

She didn't lie about kids. That doesn't have anything to do with the discussion. Had she, this would be a different conversation. Not all lies are created equal. No one here has never not lied in their life. She lied about a lame threesome fantasy. Ridiculous that the OP is going to hold it over her head. I think this issue runs deeper then the lie itself. Some unresolved resentment issues he has for his female partner.

 

If you had read the whole thread, or post 32, 36, or 45 to name a few, you would see that the whole thing is about the lie. Not the act. There is no unresolved resentment. She's been forgiven. And that is something that she has not done for me in the past. I'm not the one holding things over her head, in fact I mentioned earlier (if you do recall) she has a habit of holding mistakes I've made over my head, all the while expecting me to forgive her immediately.

Yes some lies are bigger than others, but they are all lies. You can't whitewash it because you feel the lie was about something that was insignificant. It's a double-standard and you know it.

Please don't reply to this thread again since you obviously are going to beat the same drum without reading the post.

[HsMomma]

If you had read the whole thread, or post 32, 36, or 45 to name a few, you would see that the whole thing is about the lie. Not the act. There is no unresolved resentment. She's been forgiven. And that is something that she has not done for me in the past. I'm not the one holding things over her head, in fact I mentioned earlier (if you do recall) she has a habit of holding mistakes I've made over my head, all the while expecting me to forgive her immediately.

Yes some lies are bigger than others, but they are all lies. You can't whitewash it because you feel the lie was about something that was insignificant. It's a double-standard and you know it.

Please don't reply to this thread again since you obviously are going to beat the same drum without reading the post.

 

I'm going to beat the same drum I beat WAYYYYY back on this thread...

 

OP, did it ever occur to you that maybe she has changed her mind? I mean, in the beginning, she might've thought, "Well, ok...not something I'm dying to do, but I guess I can try being open to it." Then, as time went on, she started feeling less than thrilled at the prospect, BUT thinking that it wasn't REALLY gonna happen, didn't want to upset you.

 

Does that make it a lie? Well, yes & no...no in that, at the beginning, maybe she didn't really WANT to participate, but said ok (for your sake)...yes, in that she continued the charade long after.

 

I guess it boils down to this, OP - IF you've truly forgiven her (which you have stated over & over & over again), why bring it up in this forum?

 

I mean, if you've moved on (which is what forgiveness MEANS by the way - I didn't say FORGETTING - I said FORGIVING), then why are you continuing to hang on to this? Either you let it go completely or you don't, but if, as you say, you have, then just DO it! Let it go & move on with your life together.

[Ppeterson]

I'm going to beat the same drum I beat WAYYYYY back on this thread...

 

OP, did it ever occur to you that maybe she has changed her mind? I mean, in the beginning, she might've thought, "Well, ok...not something I'm dying to do, but I guess I can try being open to it." Then, as time went on, she started feeling less than thrilled at the prospect, BUT thinking that it wasn't REALLY gonna happen, didn't want to upset you. Actually she admitted to the fact that she never intended to do it. Not that she changed her mind. That would've been completely different

 

Does that make it a lie? Well, yes & no...no in that, at the beginning, maybe she didn't really WANT to participate, but said ok (for your sake)...yes, in that she continued the charade long after. I just makes me think about, what else she may not have been truthful about. That's the concern. I'm hoping this is the only thing, but you really can't bring that up without going through this whole ordeal again, which is the last thing I want to do.

 

I guess it boils down to this, OP - IF you've truly forgiven her (which you have stated over & over & over again), why bring it up in this forum? Just venting. I wanted to know if I should be upset that she can expect me to forgive her right away while she gets to hold things over my head for years.

 

I mean, if you've moved on (which is what forgiveness MEANS by the way - I didn't say FORGETTING - I said FORGIVING), then why are you continuing to hang on to this? Either you let it go completely or you don't, but if, as you say, you have, then just DO it! Let it go & move on with your life together.

It's the lie part and the double-standard that I've had trouble letting go. I haven't brought it up to her because I told her that I forgave her. I'm want to do the forgive and forget, but the only thing that I haven't been able to let go of is, "what else might she not be telling the truth about?"

[HsMomma]

It's the lie part and the double-standard that I've had trouble letting go. I haven't brought it up to her because I told her that I forgave her. I'm want to do the forgive and forget, but the only thing that I haven't been able to let go of is, "what else might she not be telling the truth about?"

 

I understand - I really do...but for YOUR sake (and hers, but YOURS especially), you have to let it go & move forward. Have you never told her a lie about anything in your relationship (even a "little white lie" such as, "No, Honey, those pants DON'T make your butt look big!";))? I mean, I understand that she's got a history of throwing things back at you, but my only advice as this point is...take the high road - put your $ where your mouth is & truly forgive her. Let it go. You'd LOVE not to have anything else thrown up in your face again, right? Maybe show by example how you'd like things to be.

[Ppeterson]

I don't want to discuss it anymore because I can't move past it if I'm drudging it up here. Who knows, maybe she will learn from my example? I never thought of that. Thanks to those of you who gave advice on how to move forward. However, PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE let's end this thread. It's not going to help anyone if we keep replying and replying and defending and defending.

[HsMomma]

I don't want to discuss it anymore because I can't move past it if I'm drudging it up here. Who knows, maybe she will learn from my example? I never thought of that. Thanks to those of you who gave advice on how to move forward. However, PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE let's end this thread. It's not going to help anyone if we keep replying and replying and defending and defending.

 

I'm proud of you!

[stuckinoz]

It's the lie part and the double-standard that I've had trouble letting go. I haven't brought it up to her because I told her that I forgave her. I'm want to do the forgive and forget, but the only thing that I haven't been able to let go of is,

 

"what else might she not be telling the truth about?"

 

I think you're SERIOUSLY grasping at something to be pissed AT her about.

Be serious for a second........If there has been NOTHING else in your marriage to prompt this last sentance...Then WHY keep beating a dead horse? Why is this SO important to you that you cannot let it go.

You honestly have NOT forgiven her if you are still here asking for guidence.

[malcom5]

She didn't lie about kids. That doesn't have anything to do with the discussion. Had she, this would be a different conversation. Not all lies are created equal. No one here has never not lied in their life. She lied about a lame threesome fantasy. Ridiculous that the OP is going to hold it over her head. I think this issue runs deeper then the lie itself. Some unresolved resentment issues he has for his female partner.

 

The same way she secretly held it over him? And suddenly it's his problem when is wife is the one who lied? WTF?

[hotgurl]

I don't think this post is really about a threesome or a lie.

 

At first glance it may look like it yes.

 

But I think it could have been any other lie.

 

I think the OP is tired of having things held over his head and stored up for future ammo.

 

I think he is tired of a double standard of behavior.

 

If that is the case he needs to address those things without bringing up the threesome.

[moo]

I was in a relationship with a jerk some years ago, who told me if I loved him, I would sleep with another woman and let him watch. I never did it. He could kiss my )(

[taylor]

OK, very naive here...

 

Two types of threesomes:

 

WMW - where a man has sex with two women AND the two women have sex with each other? Is that correct? Or is it the two women have sex and the man just watches but doesn't have sex?

 

MFM - where a woman has sex with two men AND the two men have sex with each other? Is that correct? Or is it the two men have sex and the woman just watches but doesn't have sex?

 

Enlightenment please.

 

OP, if you think it is wrong to have a threesome now..what would you do if your wife changed her mind and said she wanted a threesome?

 

If you told her no, it's wrong, couldn't she conceivably think you lied to her because you led her to believe you were into threesomes when you were dating?

 

You changed your mind about threesomes...maybe she did too some time ago...and was afraid to tell you because you were still into it and she knew it would disappoint you.

 

In the end, be glad your wife had the moral compass to reject threesomes, even while you were pushing for one. You probably would have regretted it, especially now that you consider them wrong.

 

People who are dating tell little white lies to each other all the time to make themselves appear smarter, braver, sexier, more easy going, more confident, more successful, more experienced, more talented, more popular, etc. than they really are.

 

It's called putting your best foot forward.

 

Perhaps deep down your wife wishes she had it in her to be more uninhibited, but she just isn't.

 

Bottom line: Be glad you have a wife who has not had a threesome, rather than one who has had a dozen of them and is hiding that fact from you.