Author Ppeterson Posted July 7, 2009 Author Share Posted July 7, 2009 I was re-reading your post.... *why* do you feel wronged and disgusted, if I may ask? Is it because of the lack of honesty in itself? (BINGO) Because had she told you the truth things would have gone differently and you'd not be together? (Who knows) Because what she said sounded to you more like an accusation than like an apology? (Nope) Because you would not have insisted had you known the truth sparing both of you some pain or frustation? (Exactly. I would have saved myself a lot of unnecessary frustration) Because you feel she pretended to be into a lifestyle she is not? (She pretended to be a completely different person. She admits this too. And all she can say is, "Whoops, sorry") Because you feel like she played games? (Yep) Do you take as a personal thing the fact that she lied? (Yeah, It makes me feel stupid for having believed her). Why? I basically alienated my whole family to be with her. My mom just passed away a couple months ago. She was really against us being together (she came around later). I think that I'm going through a lot of re-examining of my life right now. And this keeps rearing it's head. I guess I feel that she's not as committed to me as I thought. Link to post Share on other sites
sally4sara Posted July 7, 2009 Share Posted July 7, 2009 Of course I've lied, but never about anything so big, so constant or so long. The thing that happened is that she continually has pointed to this incident as the reason for why she's reserved with me. She constantly brings up the fact that because I asked her for this (and she agreed), that this is the reason why she doesn't want to be more adventurous, or open, or anything. It's always my fault for asking and being honest. So when she finally told me the truth, it kinda put everything in a different light. Suddenly I wasn't the jerk, she was. And then she quickly turns around and says that I have to get over it, when she was allowed to stew and make my life uncomfortable for years. It also makes me wonder, what else she isn't being truthful about. She DIDN'T just bring this up after 12 years. If she had, there would be no claim by him that she constantly or continually tosses this in his face. The only new thing is, she finally admitted she never intended to have a threesome with him. It is a no brainer. He already said that when he initially told her of his fantasy, they were already in an established relationship. OF COURSE she is going to say "hey honey, if it is something you really must experience, I really must insist I be a part of it rather than you go do it on your own." She said this so the guy she was already invested in didn't go out and get a threesome alone if she told him honestly that she wasn't interested in do it with him. She was worried that if she let him know she would never do this, he would go do it without her and she would have to leave the relationship or eat her emotions over him going outside of their relationship. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Ppeterson Posted July 7, 2009 Author Share Posted July 7, 2009 What I do not get is why his W waited 12 years to mention that she was never interested in a threesome. She felt bad everytime he mentioned it... but she could have laid her cards on the table in those occasions...and apparently chose not to. She thought I would leave. No doubt about it. Which doesn't give me a lot of credit. I guess I can understand her point of view reading some of the posts. It just make me feel like I can't trust her word. Link to post Share on other sites
GorillaTheater Posted July 7, 2009 Share Posted July 7, 2009 She thought I would leave. No doubt about it. Which doesn't give me a lot of credit. I guess I can understand her point of view reading some of the posts. It just make me feel like I can't trust her word. She lied to you because she was scared of losing you. It's tough for me to think of any purer motivation than that. Have I mentioned letting it go? Let it go. Link to post Share on other sites
Kasan Posted July 7, 2009 Share Posted July 7, 2009 What I do not get is why his W waited 12 years to mention that she was never interested in a threesome. She felt bad everytime he mentioned it... but she could have laid her cards on the table in those occasions...and apparently chose not to. She thought I would leave. No doubt about it. Which doesn't give me a lot of credit. I guess I can understand her point of view reading some of the posts. It just make me feel like I can't trust her word. Has she been a good wife and a mother? Has she ever given you a reason to doubt her? Has the marriage been a good marriage? You have had twelve good years with this woman, let it go, and be thankful this is all that you have to be p*ssed off about. I can't believe that you question her commitment to you. We all have fantasies, but most of us never act upon them. That's why they are called fantasies. Link to post Share on other sites
reservoirdog1 Posted July 7, 2009 Share Posted July 7, 2009 Yes, she lied to you. No, she shouldn't have. But... look at what she lied about, and why. She lied to keep you from leaving her, because she loved you and didn't want to "share" you with another woman. She just hoped you'd grow out of it, which eventually you did. In the grand scheme of lies one spouse could tell the other to prevent them from leaving (e.g. "I've never cheated on you" -- I got that one), this seems minor. And, difficult though it may be to see it through your anger, I think her motives were actually pretty good. As long as you have no reason to think there are other, more important things she's been lying about, my advice is simple: get mad, then get over it. From what you've written, it sounds like in all other respects, you have a loving and devoted partner. For god's sake, don't fyck that up over something that, at the end of the day, is pretty unimportant. Life's too short. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Ppeterson Posted July 7, 2009 Author Share Posted July 7, 2009 She lied to you because she was scared of losing you. It's tough for me to think of any purer motivation than that. Have I mentioned letting it go? Let it go. I know. I already told her that I forgave her (thus letting her off the hook). I don't want to keep bringing it up with her because what good will that do. The anger will subside. I know forgiveness isn't a one-time thing and that you have to keep reminding yourself that you forgave her. I'm trying real hard to let it go...it just keeps coming back at me like a homing pidgeon. Link to post Share on other sites
GorillaTheater Posted July 7, 2009 Share Posted July 7, 2009 I know. I already told her that I forgave her (thus letting her off the hook). I don't want to keep bringing it up with her because what good will that do. The anger will subside. I know forgiveness isn't a one-time thing and that you have to keep reminding yourself that you forgave her. I'm trying real hard to let it go...it just keeps coming back at me like a homing pidgeon. Yeah, that's big of you. Maybe you should take as hard of a look at yourself as you're giving her. Link to post Share on other sites
Adunaphel Posted July 7, 2009 Share Posted July 7, 2009 I basically alienated my whole family to be with her. My mom just passed away a couple months ago. She was really against us being together (she came around later). I think that I'm going through a lot of re-examining of my life right now. And this keeps rearing it's head. I guess I feel that she's not as committed to me as I thought.[/QUote] I am sorry that you are going trough a rough spot in your life, but please keep in mind that stress usually puts an extra strain on relationship, and makes people react worse than they usually would to relationship issues, making molehills look like mountains. Keep in mind that she did not lie to make a fool of you, but she lied because she wanted to be with you. It is a *huge* difference. Also... it was not a real promise, was it? It was not a vow, either. And you did not say that not having a threesome was a deal breaker for you, did you? And she did not actually lie to cover something she should not have done, or to damage you. And... you love her, you have been together for long, she loves you... you are not interested in a threesome anymore... it is an excellent result for a lie. (I usually look at the intentions, but... sometimes lies are not malicious and have good consequences ) I suggest that you have a calm discussion with your W -with the intention of working this issue out. She surely understood you are hurt - explaining why to her can do no harm - as she lied because she loves you, and you feel hurt because you love her! If you let her know that you understand her point of view she might be happy to make your worries fade away. Keep in mind she is the very same person you fell in love with! Link to post Share on other sites
2sure Posted July 7, 2009 Share Posted July 7, 2009 Lies?? You want to talk about lies?? I told my H I would never get fat. Promised him really. Its the ONLY thing he asked of me. And you know what?? Ive gained weight. I mean, I'm not fat...not yet . But I'm on way. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Ppeterson Posted July 7, 2009 Author Share Posted July 7, 2009 So for 5 years you were after her to have a threesome - and then finally figured out that it was never going to happen.... now, because she told you she never DID want to have a threesome you have finally come to the conclusion that she lied about it in the beginning.... Didn't it cross your mind once in awhile during those 5 years that you wanted it and she resisted that she had lied about being willing to do this with you - not even once??? In Hindsight it should have, but she was so emphatic when she said she would and we talked about it quite a bit too. I just believed what I wanted to believe. Boy, I bet those first 5 years were a real joy for your wife.... she must have felt like she was never really good enough for you.. and now she's dealing with your anger about it, she probably feels the same thing all over again. Looking at it honestly, no it probably wasn't a good time for her. But hey, I never told her she had to. She volunteered. I was actually quite surprised and happy when she said she would. So, yes I feel bad bringing it up during that time, but if she had told me the truth we both could have been saved a lot of turmoil. How did it come up 8 years after you had "given up" on it? She actually admitted it as part of another conversation. I think it actually caught her by surprise when she said it because she had that look on her face like, "oh,oh the cat's out of the bag." Anyway, from this woman's point of view... I could see myself telling a soon to be husband that I'd be willing to do a threesome at some point - hoping like hell that he'd never actually WANT to do it. That I'd be enough. I wouldn't (at the time at least) feel like I was lying, because I'd be thinking that I'd try to go through with it for him. But when push came to shove, I doubt I'd be able to do it.... In retrospect - if I was feeling particularly introspective AND particularly safe in my marriage - I may be able to admit both to myself and my husband that I hadn't been particularly truthful. That I never truly wanted to do a threesome. I don't know if that was the story for your lady, but I wouldn't be surprised. This actually sounds pretty close. Anyway, I hope you get past your anger. That's why I'm out here. I don't want to keep bringing it up at home again. Something like this isn't worth getting divorced over. I just needed someplace to let it out so that it doesn't fester. So thanks for listening. Link to post Share on other sites
Jersey Shortie Posted July 8, 2009 Share Posted July 8, 2009 So, yes I feel bad bringing it up during that time, but if she had told me the truth we both could have been saved a lot of turmoil. Or possibly not because believe it not, women and your wife dont want to suck the soul out of a man. If she told you no on your "Fantasy" she would have felt like she was the reason for closing the book on something you wanted, denying you something you want. Do you know what a committed woman wants to do less then a threesome with the man she loves (most at least)? They don't want to deny their man something he wants thus being the cause of him not getting what he wants and maybe being a sorce of resentment. They don't want to be the boring wife. If you men took your head out of the porn world for a change and figured out that no, most women don't want to do a threesome with you for your pleasure, and stopped having it as some sort of expectations which alot of men today do seem to feel entitled to the "threesome", you might actually learn something about relationships. Link to post Share on other sites
Thaddeus Posted July 8, 2009 Share Posted July 8, 2009 If you men took your head out of the porn world for a change and figured out that no, most women don't want to do a threesome with you for your pleasure, and stopped having it as some sort of expectations which alot of men today do seem to feel entitled to the "threesome", you might actually learn something about relationships. oh my god Jersey, I like your writing style, but I gotta tell ya, your generalizing and misandrist bent is getting tiresome. Link to post Share on other sites
Deanster Posted July 8, 2009 Share Posted July 8, 2009 I'm with Thaddeus on this on. I wasn't going to reply to this thread, but Jersey Shortie, that's damned insulting. Perhaps if you'd get your head out of your romance novel world, you'd figure out that most men don't want to be stuck with one woman for the rest of their sexual lives, and give up on that expectation of monogamy which you seem to feel 'entitled to', you'd actually learn something about relationships. Men aren't 'broken women', who just need to 'grow up' to realize that we've been doing it/thinking/wanting the wrong things all our lives. We are what we are, and it's not always pretty, but it is often very sexual, and multi-partner oriented. Not for every guy, and not all the time, but you might just take a moment to consider that this is common for a reason. OP - my wife also is big on the double standards, and gives me a really hard time about things that if she were the one at 'fault', she'd tell me to get over it, as it's a small thing. There's no solution, no reasoning, just try to release your frustration, and accept that that's how she thinks... Finally, you're very concerned about her 'word', and being able to take it in the future... over the course of many years, things change. Damned hard to hold people to promises like that over the course of decades. You might cut her some slack on that part, IMHO. Link to post Share on other sites
Jersey Shortie Posted July 8, 2009 Share Posted July 8, 2009 oh my god Jersey, I like your writing style, but I gotta tell ya, your generalizing and misandrist bent is getting tiresome. As is your misogonistic one. Perhaps if you'd get your head out of your romance novel world, you'd figure out that most men don't want to be stuck with one woman for the rest of their sexual lives, and give up on that expectation of monogamy which you seem to feel 'entitled to', you'd actually learn something about relationships. I have no problem with a man not wanting to be monogmous. But I don't understand why men get in relationships only to cry foul afterwards. If a man makes a choice to be in a relationship, then he has a responsibilty. If a man wants to sleep around please do. But stop trying to have your cake and eat it too at the expense of the woman that cares for you. I think most women realize that men find women pretty replacable and not worthy of being treated with respect anyway. And I think less women live in some idealistic world or romance then men do about having porn lives. Funny thing is that most women don't ask their man to dress up like some cowboy with soulfull eyes to sweep her off her feet. Most women don't ask their men play out some romance fulled fancy. How many men ask their women to do something in porn or dress up like a woman they saw in porn? How many more women do you think cater to that desire then men do to the reverse? Link to post Share on other sites
Chrome Barracuda Posted July 8, 2009 Share Posted July 8, 2009 That's the only reason you want a divorce, is because she lied to you about wanting to have a threesome!?!? Seriously WTF!!! Link to post Share on other sites
stuckinoz Posted July 8, 2009 Share Posted July 8, 2009 [quote=Ppeterson;2260934 But hey, I never told her she had to. She volunteered. - . She volunteered?????........out of the blue? So, which is it - after being 'bugged' by you - she said OK....OR.....She was the one that came up with the idea & is now backing out:o Funny thing is that most women don't ask their man to dress up like some cowboy with soulfull eyes to sweep her off her feet. Most women don't ask their men play out some romance fulled fancy. How many men ask their women to do something in porn or dress up like a woman they saw in porn? How many more women do you think cater to that desire then men do to the reverse? I LOVE this very realistic point of view. Good, Bad or Indifferent... How true it is!!!!! Link to post Share on other sites
stuckinoz Posted July 8, 2009 Share Posted July 8, 2009 That's the only reason you want a divorce, is because she lied to you about wanting to have a threesome!?!? Seriously WTF!!! YEAH?WTF What an interesting conversation at the family reunion this story would be..... Link to post Share on other sites
Lyssa Posted July 8, 2009 Share Posted July 8, 2009 Lies?? You want to talk about lies?? I told my H I would never get fat. Promised him really. Its the ONLY thing he asked of me. And you know what?? Ive gained weight. I mean, I'm not fat...not yet . But I'm on way. You're not fat.. you're beautiful! That's the only reason you want a divorce, is because she lied to you about wanting to have a threesome!?!? Seriously WTF!!! Seriously, WTF??! I read this thread but didn't bother to post in the beginning cause it was just ridiculous. If she lied about sleeping with someone then yeah, I'd get why you'd want to divorce her but for not really wanting a threesome?! Get real! Link to post Share on other sites
Author Ppeterson Posted July 8, 2009 Author Share Posted July 8, 2009 That's the only reason you want a divorce, is because she lied to you about wanting to have a threesome!?!? Seriously WTF!!! I never told her I wanted a divorce. I already forgave her. I was upset about being lied to. Since I already forgave her I was venting about the fact that if I had lied like that, she wouldn't get over it for years, but I was asked to get over it right away. Link to post Share on other sites
Lyssa Posted July 8, 2009 Share Posted July 8, 2009 I know. I already told her that I forgave her (thus letting her off the hook) Letting her off the hook for lying about having a threesome? Okayyy. Are things better between you both now? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Ppeterson Posted July 8, 2009 Author Share Posted July 8, 2009 She volunteered?????........out of the blue? So, which is it - after being 'bugged' by you - she said OK....OR.....She was the one that came up with the idea & is now backing out:o She volunteered when I told her that this was something I wanted to do. It was all my idea. She did not bring it up. She volunteered to be part of it. I kept bugging her about it and found out years later that she never had any intention of going through with it when she first volunteered. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Ppeterson Posted July 8, 2009 Author Share Posted July 8, 2009 Are things better between you both now? they have to be better. I don't give up. I gave her my word "Until death do we part and I meant it. BTW, when I first brought this up, we had only been dating for a couple of months. She was obviously trying to please me. I guess I kinda put it in the, "Hey I have a really cool girlfriend because she's willing to do this with me!" When I found out that was not the case, I just felt kinda stupid. It's my own fault. If she had gone through with it we might be in a whole different hell dealing with the aftermath. I just wish she had been upfront. I just have to forget it and move on, or it eat away at me. Link to post Share on other sites
stuckinoz Posted July 8, 2009 Share Posted July 8, 2009 I just have to forget it and move on, or it eat away at me. If you let this eat at you - you surely have your marital priorities mixed up. I'm sure there are at the very least, a few women out there that have been asked that same question...."Hey Honey, Would you have a threesome?"....I would bet my paycheck that 90% of those women said SURE....just to turn the guy on! Cuz I'm guessing that IF HE is ballsey enough to ASK ~~ then it would definitely turn him on instantly if she said Yes. (especially when only dating for a few months) - Then she's ballsey enough to get you off & say SURE! You keep calling this a "Lie"...I don't think that many of us are in agreement with you that it is an actual lie. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Ppeterson Posted July 8, 2009 Author Share Posted July 8, 2009 You keep calling this a "Lie"...I don't think that many of us are in agreement with you that it is an actual lie. I see that. But what would you call it? Link to post Share on other sites
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