Now what?

[HsMomma]

I have to admit I don't "know" as many of the posters on this thread as on others I've been more actively involved on, so this is kind of different for me.

 

Situation in a nutshell: my husband is suffering (and I mean that QUITE literally) with 2 bulging disks & a compressed sciatic nerve in his back. This has been going on since Memorial weekend. We've tried so many things - doctors' visits, ER visits, chiropractic, acupuncture & a myriad of prescriptions.

 

Some of the medications prescribed to him gave him HORRIBLE reactions & he is no longer taking anything other than Aleve.

 

Here's the problem: my husband is the kindest, gentlest being God ever put on this earth. Since these problems started, he has morphed into a "monster" I don't even recognize. Please don't tell me, "It's the pain speaking...it's the meds..." Intellectually, I KNOW this isn't him or his choosing, but his reaction to what his body is going through. Emotionally, though, I'm broken.

 

I have always maintained a very, very strong faith in God & that faith has seen me through some pretty horrific times. However, right now, I'm so angry with God & feel that the "Benevolent" God I always trusted in doesn't listen/care and that maybe "malevolent" would be a better description.

 

Here's my other issue: without my faith, I truly don't know who I am. I feel like there's a shell on the outside that everyone else can see, but there's NOTHING left inside me other than anger/disillusionment and grief.

 

Somebody help!!

[GorillaTheater]

I wish I could help. I wish I could give you a (strictly platonic) hug and make you feel better.

 

I have faith, but I can't say it's a very strong faith. I don't know what to say on that point other than I imagine you have a pastor and Christian friends in which you can confide. But that's probably more of an outlet than a solution.

 

I'd like to think that regardless of whatever pain I was in, I wouldn't lash out at my wife and make her life miserable. I'm very sorry that's not the case for you. I know you've talked to him about what he's doing to you, I thought he'd gotten the picture.

[Eve]

I have a very strong faith but can identify with being angry with God back in the early formation of my faith.

 

Now, the release of anger is very important. Anger can actually cause illnesses in the first place. IDK, I have heard that the sort of pain you have described is unbearable. A neighbour of mine suffered from a simular thing to your Husband and he was the most unpleasant man to even look at, never mind talk too. Once the discs were removed, he was totally different. He had the problem for a long time though. Then I have my sister in law who has recently had her back broken and her spine re-aligned. That woman doesnt even moan and was out of hospital within days! I would have to be sectioned or something if that was me! Forget that.. childbirth was bad enough.

 

.. I suppose you just have to tell him how you feel. He probably feels useless. If I was him I would dose up on morphine and get them to remove the disks. But I dont really know the ins and outs of what is possible.

 

But, the emptiness you feel can be filled by God.. and it may be that where you are at now is a catalyst for such an event? I only know my own faith and so cannot say much more. I do know that I now realise that God is closer than we often think and at those times it is important to really speak from the soul about what you need and expect God to answer. Lean on those who know you and love you. Be definate in what you ask of God and keep opening the doors for things which could allieviate the pain that is being experienced.

 

Thinking about you and yours. In fact I will light a candle you and for those who over the last week have shared their personal pains and challenges here on LS.

 

I will ask God to help you.

 

Take care,

Eve xx

[HsMomma]

Thank you both so much for your kind words & sympathy/empathy. I feel like such a whiner! I have indeed spoken with my minister and he keeps assuring me that I am loved by both God & my husband, and that this too shall pass.

 

I can use all the platonic/online hugs I can get right now, Gorilla!

 

I am leaving my office for today so won't be back on here til tomorrow, but again thank you both.

 

I appreciate your caring and prayers more than you could know!

[Eve]

HS - whine on. Whining is important!

 

Look after yourself Hun.

 

take care,

Eve xx

[dunstable]

I'm sorry for your predicament but as an atheist I probably can't answer your religious question in a way you would find helpful. Have you tried googling "when god doesn't answer prayers"? There are pages and pages of ideas from people who are religious.

 

Someone spoke in this thread about growth coming out of suffering. I think that can be true whether one is religious or not.

 

I make my next point hesitantly because I don't want to add to your distress. Another aspect of growth might be growing out of religion when it no longer makes sense to the person concerned.

[Moose]

However, right now, I'm so angry with God & feel that the "Benevolent" God I always trusted in doesn't listen/care and that maybe "malevolent" would be a better description.

Let's not get carried away....I'll give you my thoughts and opinions as a Southern Baptist..

 

Whenever we're suffering trials like these, we must keep our faith in God that He does have a purpose, and plan.

 

I look at this way, (being in the engineering for manufacturering field).....

 

When Gold is purified, it is heated to its melting point, this allows the unpure substances float to the top called, "dross". Once the process is completed....you have PURE gold....

 

What you're witnessing is the, "dross" resulting from your husbands physical pain(s).

 

Now I can't judge you or your husband, what I can do is tell you there are several reasons God allows suffering.

 

Sometimes we deserve it,

 

sometimes we need a wake up call because we're drifting away from Him,

 

and sometimes it is to edify or lift others up once we've been through our trial(s).

 

Remember Job? Remember what his wife said? Remember his wife's consequences for what she said? Remember Job's outcome? (Re-read Job...you think we have it bad??)

 

Build your husband up. Encourage him, remind him of the things that you respect him for, not for the condition he's in right now.

Here's my other issue: without my faith, I truly don't know who I am. I feel like there's a shell on the outside that everyone else can see, but there's NOTHING left inside me other than anger/disillusionment and grief.

As it should be. Without your faith, you are nothing. BUT, with your faith, you are a daughter of God. You are on a branch that belongs to the highest of high family tree. God has a distinct purpose for your life. Seek His consultation as to what that may be, and be serious about doing it.

 

(sorry about the typos, hope this helps)

[AgentD]

I want to re-assure all who post in this section that I'm keeping a good eye here.

 

The last two posts, (that most of you have already saw) were deleted.

 

The reason being is NOT because of what they believe. It was for the lack of explaining WHY they believe and were posted as "fact" rather than, "opinion" or "contemplation"....

 

AGAIN, be sure not to go off stating what you feel are "facts" as the end all, be all.

 

RATHER, be sure to state why you believe what you believe and adhere to the ORIGINAL question at hand.

 

Many Thanks!

[dunstable]

Without your faith, you are nothing.

Moose: In my opinion, that is not a fact but just an assertion, made without justification.

[Moose]

Moose: In my opinion, that is not a fact but just an assertion, made without justification.

I based my response on this:

I have always maintained a very, very strong faith in God & that faith has seen me through some pretty horrific times.

I made it clear that I am speaking from a Southern Baptist POV.

 

Have a good night....

[disgracian]

Without your faith, you are nothing.

Fine. Speaking as a non-theist, I cannot agree with this. The OP is a human being, and their existence has instrinsic value and meaning, just like everything that lives and breathes. Take away faith, and they are still a living being, a being that can hope, feel joy and pain, gather knowledge and wisdom and try to pass that onto others.

 

Not believing in a god does not make people without value.

 

Here's my other issue: without my faith, I truly don't know who I am. I feel like there's a shell on the outside that everyone else can see, but there's NOTHING left inside me other than anger/disillusionment and grief.

To the OP, faith is just one of many things that defines a person. If hypothetically you lost your faith tomorrow, this does not make you nothing, or nobody. It means, at most, that you would have to go on some journey of self discovery until you are able to redefine yourself. You might not know who you are now, but you would figure it out. But it would give you an opportunity to fill yourself with something other than anger, disillusionment and grief.

 

Cheers,

D.

[HsMomma]

Good morning all,

 

I was out of range yesterday traveling the state on business, so was unable to read any of your posts until now.

 

First, let me thank each of you for taking the time & caring enough to respond. It means a great deal to me.

 

Since I originally posted a few days ago, things have come full circle -it began with this:

 

I received this from my minister & believe it truly began the healing process for me:

 

"I think our faith journey goes through seasons, up times and down times. Obviously this is a down time for you, and for good reason. The way I look at these things is what I have seen many times during a memorial service. The family is choked up with grief and they simply cannot sing.

That is when the congregation, their brothers and sisters, sing for them. Now is the time we pray for you even if right now you cannot pray. Think of us as singing for you."

 

That evening, my husband's pain level FINALLY began to drop to a very manageable level for the first time in what seems forever...as I went downstairs to close up the house for the night, halfway down the stairs, without ANY conscious thought on my part, I said (out loud), "Thank you, God!" I believe at that point, I realized my faith had NOT left me - I had turned my back on it, yes, but it was still there.

 

Since, I have prayed, asked for forgiveness for my anger, my doubts, my turning away, and MOST of all for all of the people who cared enough about me to carry me (sing for me) when I couldn't carry myself.

 

My husband's road to recovery is still a work in progress & may be for some time to come, but having returned myself to the 'fold' so to speak, I feel hope again for the first time in weeks.

 

For those posters who don't know much of anything about me, I am an almost 45 year old woman who plays in a men's softball league (I have played ball since I was 8 years old)...what does this have to do with my original post? Well, night before last, when I felt SO empty, so weak, and so lost, I went to the batting cages for the first time in literally years. I stood there & hit 140 pitches (I think those around me thought I might just be demented, as I stood there swinging 140 times in 95 degree weather!!). As I made contact each time, I could FEEL the release of negativity throughout. The strangest phenomenon then occurred - I could FEEL strength returning to me, little by little. That was the evening I came home drenched with sweat, skin torn off my left hand from hitting so many balls (without a batting glove - dummy me!), and then a bit later, found myself thanking God for my husband's feeling better.

 

I realize this is an extraordinarily long post & I apologize for that, but I wanted to let each of you who took the time, effort & caring to respond to me, that the faith journey continues for me (and for my husband, and for our marriage). This, too, shall pass.

 

I feel the strength of your prayers & the outpouring of your caring - may God bless each of you (even those of you who took the time to answer but don't necessarily share my religious beliefs ).

 

My best goes out to you all!

ML aka HsMomma

[GorillaTheater]

Great news HS/ML!

 

Dark times in our lives always pass. That's when I appreciate the good times even more.

 

Here's wishing your H a full and speedy recovery.

[HsMomma]

What I got from that extraordinarily long post;) was that you received what you need, exactly when you needed it. Not in your time, our time, but God's time. And you know what it was right on time. Just when you were feeling abandoned and losing your grip. He stepped right in by using others to help you hold on until it was time to gently let you down. How much did you change and grow during this time? Your testimony here is powerful, will you share it with others IRW? Faith is hard to maintain, explain and understand. Just as you said, when you least expect it, the Holy Spirit hits you and let's you know, you where just ignoring that he was there to comfort and support. I am so happy for you. Please keep us posted about your H's condition. Thank you for that testimony this morning. It is most needed today.

 

You're absolutely spot-on, BNB - I did receive exactly what I needed when I needed it. One of the hardest lessons I've tried to learn (am STILL, obviously, working on) is to understand that just because it (whatever IT is that we need) isn't NOW, doesn't mean that IT isn't. Just another way of looking at what you said about things happening in God's time, not ours. It's always been difficult for me to give over all my burdens - I have this nasty little habit of taking them back, one at a time because I'm cocky enough to think I should be able to handle them. I think this was a true wake-up call for me, in that my trust level needed some serious shoring up!

 

Oh yes, I will most assuredly share this testimony IRL - I do children's sermons at my church and have many, many people with whom I speak about our faith journeys on a regular basis. I will share it with anyone willing to listen! I think it's important for all of us to realize that we're in this life together & if our struggles and the subsequent passing of same, help make another's life even a breath easier, it is well-worth the sharing of the pain we experienced. After all, so many have been willing to lift me up - if I can then lift someone else up, it's my obligation as a believer to do so.

 

I'm glad sharing with you helped today, BNB - sounds like you mighta needed it. Big hugs to you!

 

I'll definitely keep y'all updated as to my wonderful husband's road to recovery. Tonight, though, we're going out to a nice "grown up" dinner (no kid) to celebrate our anniversary.

 

Have a blessed day, all!

~ML

[HsMomma]

I too have the jacked up habit of thinking I know more about my needs than God does. Patience isn't a virtue for me. But he is teaching me to by showing me my big girl panties don't mean a whole heck of a lot to him. :laugh:I am hard headed and stubborn and he shows me what happens when the mule won't due what it is told to do. My mother used to tell me a hard head makes a soft behind. The harder the head, the more spankings you need to get the message.

 

Your momma was SO right! I used to jokingly say, "Patience is a virtue...but I never claimed to be virtuous";) I have to say, I'm sorely lacking in that department, but boy am I learning fast! Yeah, I have on my fridge at home "When life gets tough, put on your big girl panties and DEAL." Have to say, that hasn't served me too well this last several weeks!

 

I am reading a book right now by Max Lucado titled "Traveling Light: Releasing the Burdens You Were Never Intended to Bear." It's based on the 23rd Psalm...don't know if you've read much by him, BNB, but he's incredible! This book was EXACTLY what I needed in my life right now. Might be worth your checking it out...

 

Have a great day!

~ML

[disgracian]

Since, I have prayed, asked for forgiveness for my anger, my doubts, my turning away, and MOST of all for all of the people who cared enough about me to carry me (sing for me) when I couldn't carry myself.

Just on this, I don't think anyone should feel guilty for having honest doubts. Not even Jesus accepted his lot with unflinching stoicism (Mat 27:46), so take heart. Doubts are normal and healthy; they prevent you from being led astray and believing anything.

 

Glad to hear things are turning around for you too.

 

Cheers,

D.

[HsMomma]

Good morning all,

 

Just wanted to say that yes, I realize that having doubts is most certainly normal, but it made me feel very guilty that I had had them. Normal doesn't always feel so good, you know?

 

We had another fairly rough night last night (not much sleep in my household), but we're taking it one day at a time - sort of our own little 12-step program . He has an appointment at the end of the month (yeah, docs, let's not RUSH anything!) with a surgeon for a consult to see where we need to go from here. I'm really, REALLY not thrilled with the idea of back surgery, so will take whatever the dr. says with a grain of salt, but we have to know what we're dealing with in terms of recovery.

 

Please, if you think about it, keep us in your thoughts/prayers this weekend. I'm hoping we can relax & just enjoy some peaceful time. My daughter is traveling with her father until Aug 1 (boy, do I miss her!!!), so it's just the two of us at home right now - well, plus the cat!