wife and I seperated - whats the chance of getting her back?

[keltin]

Hi,

 

My wife and I just separated July 2 and she has moved to another province, the separation was in the works for the past 2 months.

 

She went on a trip to her friends wedding shower and then came back and all was different, I know she didn't physically cheat because of investigating I did through audio but I know she was there mentally.

 

The 2 months since she got back she was texting another man on a daily basis and she insisted that it was a was just a friend (i heard her admit this to her friend on audio) however I think she may have interest in a physical relation.

 

From over the past two months it came apparent to me that my wife and I got together to early ( I was 18 she 20) I married her when I was 26 and now I believe she has a sexual desire to be with other men.

 

It seemed to me that our relationship was good and our sex was good but from what I gathered on audio and from her ex-best friend she just has a sex drive that she wants to explore. She has been with only 2 other people before me.

 

During the time she was here prior to her leaving she told me she needed a break and wasn't in love with me but wanted to fix it but felt she needed her time without me. I plan to visit her in September so it will be about 2 months.

 

I plan to live single myself the next couple months considering she is doing it (seeing girls) but in the end I would love to get back together with my wife as I love her lots and missing her.

 

Since she has left (July 2) she hasn't made any effort to call or text me so is this a sign she is breaking her ties from me or is this just her wanting her space?

 

She is a very compassionate women and I was shocked to hear some of the things I did from her such as telling her friend about how she has her own hotel for after the wedding and that she plans not to go back to it alone.

 

I confronted her about this but she said she wasn't serious about it..... but I know this isn't true.

 

Anyhow when I see her in September do you feel it will work out in the long run if we both do our own things as singles? (btw I haven't had many sexual relationships either)

 

Thanks for some insight.

 

Is there any tips for how I can win her back?

 

Couple things I am already doing:

-working on getting financially better

-going to the gym and working on gain 15 - 20lbs of lean muscle.

[Owl]

check out marriagebuilders.com especially the "free information".

 

There's a book..."Surviving an Affair" by Dr Harley, who is the author of that same free inforamtion. Very, very useful for working through infidelity.

 

The fact that she's moved out and this is an "exit affair" does make it a lot more difficult to "win her back". But, you can still try. Read that site on plan A, plan B, emotional needs, and "the love bank". Start applying what you learn there about plan A.

 

Have you exposed her emotional affair, and her plans to be with this guy to her friends and family who support your marriage?

 

Affairs thrive in secrecy...they tend to die in the open light. Expose it, let her face the consequences of her cheating...and at the same time implement the changes in yourself that you need to make.

[LisaUk]

Hi, need to know some more info first. How long have you been married? How old are both of you now?

 

Also, just as a start I was with my ex 18 years, never been intimate with anyone else and was never a problem for me. Everyone is different I guess, but it makes me ask were you having any relationship problems in the lead up to this? Is this EA and possible PA a symptom rather than a cause?

 

One more point, if you plan to get back with your wife, it is not fair to another women to become involved, even if you tell a women it's casual, as a women I can tell you we always want more and we alsways emotionally invest, going by myself and my friends.

[keltin]

check out marriagebuilders.com especially the "free information".

 

There's a book..."Surviving an Affair" by Dr Harley, who is the author of that same free inforamtion. Very, very useful for working through infidelity.

 

The fact that she's moved out and this is an "exit affair" does make it a lot more difficult to "win her back". But, you can still try. Read that site on plan A, plan B, emotional needs, and "the love bank". Start applying what you learn there about plan A.

 

Have you exposed her emotional affair, and her plans to be with this guy to her friends and family who support your marriage?

 

Affairs thrive in secrecy...they tend to die in the open light. Expose it, let her face the consequences of her cheating...and at the same time implement the changes in yourself that you need to make.

 

Thank you for this info I will definitely check this out and also make her friends aware.

[keltin]

Hi, need to know some more info first. How long have you been married? How old are both of you now?

 

Also, just as a start I was with my ex 18 years, never been intimate with anyone else and was never a problem for me. Everyone is different I guess, but it makes me ask were you having any relationship problems in the lead up to this? Is this EA and possible PA a symptom rather than a cause?

 

One more point, if you plan to get back with your wife, it is not fair to another women to become involved, even if you tell a women it's casual, as a women I can tell you we always want more and we alsways emotionally invest, going by myself and my friends.

 

Hi,

 

We would have been married 3yrs this September.

She is 30 turning 31 in Sept. and I am 28.

 

I just recently found out from one of her best friends that she was unhappy for some time but she never told me about it although my wife told her best friend that she did.

 

Sorry what does EA and PA mean?

 

thanks for the help.

[LisaUk]

Hi,

 

We would have been married 3yrs this September.

She is 30 turning 31 in Sept. and I am 28.

 

I just recently found out from one of her best friends that she was unhappy for some time but she never told me about it although my wife told her best friend that she did.

 

Sorry what does EA and PA mean?

 

thanks for the help.

 

Hi,

EA = emotional affair

PA= physical affair

The first thing I would do is have a look on the web for red flags. What you are telling me is that she says she has been unhappy for a long time, but she was a good actress because you didn't see it. Now either she is re-writing history to justify her behaviour or she really was unhappy. If she really has been unhappy, there will be clear signs of this when you look back at your relationship, no one can act that well. Goggle signs of gradual deteriation of long term relationship. There are lots of relationship sites that will tell you the classic signs that a relationship is breaking down that because they happen so gradually, you may have missed, such as loss of affection/sex, avoidance etc. Have a look, have a rethink. Then you will be in a better position to see what is going on here.

[carhill]

File for divorce and have her served. Reality check

[keltin]

Hi,

EA = emotional affair

PA= physical affair

The first thing I would do is have a look on the web for red flags. What you are telling me is that she says she has been unhappy for a long time, but she was a good actress because you didn't see it. Now either she is re-writing history to justify her behaviour or she really was unhappy. If she really has been unhappy, there will be clear signs of this when you look back at your relationship, no one can act that well. Goggle signs of gradual deteriation of long term relationship. There are lots of relationship sites that will tell you the classic signs that a relationship is breaking down that because they happen so gradually, you may have missed, such as loss of affection/sex, avoidance etc. Have a look, have a rethink. Then you will be in a better position to see what is going on here.

 

Hi,

 

Thanks for the info, there is definitely emotional involved and I guess now it is converting to physical. She is more of an outgoing person and I am more of a homebody although I certainly want to change this about myself. The sad part about this is she never communicated her thoughts to me. I just truly hope things will work out in the end and we are back together.

 

It just seems now that she is gone she is avoiding contact with me and last night we were texting and I said I will talk you later and she responded with the same and I told her I lover her after that and got no response back.

 

Should I just leave her alone for a while or should I try and keep the communication line going like calling her once a day or every other day?

[LisaUk]

Hi,

 

Thanks for the info, there is definitely emotional involved and I guess now it is converting to physical. She is more of an outgoing person and I am more of a homebody although I certainly want to change this about myself. The sad part about this is she never communicated her thoughts to me. I just truly hope things will work out in the end and we are back together.

 

It just seems now that she is gone she is avoiding contact with me and last night we were texting and I said I will talk you later and she responded with the same and I told her I lover her after that and got no response back.

 

Should I just leave her alone for a while or should I try and keep the communication line going like calling her once a day or every other day?

 

Hi

From what I have learnt on this site, best thing to do at this stage is to have a look at some of the other threads. In particular Lupa's, Tojaz, Derek12b, and MrmayI. They will get you in the know. The thing is your wife has had a while to get her mind made up about this, now you are playing catch up and you have got to do it real quick! Also, have a look at the 180 posted on MayI's thread, it is taken from a book called "Divorce Busting", which is probably also a good place to start (I've read the first chapter free online, looks helpful to me, although is too late for me with my ex- see my threda I get it if you want more details, but is different situation to yours).

 

You will need to figure out in addition where and what things have gone wrong, so start with those signs I talked about.

 

I know this is all a lot of info, espically when you are upset and in pain, but the quicker you get up to speed the quicker you can get on the right path. See, you shouldn't plead, try and get her to see sense, tell her she's wrong to feel what she feels, tell her you can fix this, tell her you love her! etc. We all do it, I did, but all is does is push them further away. You will find that to stand a chance of saving your marriage you are going to have to do evreything that feels unnaturel and the opposite of what you really feel and want to do.

[LisaUk]

Also, the Owl is wise! He reconcilled with his wife and they are still HAPPILY married.

[Owl]

Read that stuff I suggested.

 

One thing you might consider...pull back from her now.

 

Stop contacting her. Stop trying to engage her. STOP TELLING HER THAT YOU LOVE HER.

 

Instead of you reaching out to her...STOP THAT.

 

See what happens when you pull back.

 

You'll probably see something you didn't expect...she'll start contacting you.

 

It's pretty common.

 

If you keep trying to engage her, she'll pull away. But if YOU pull away...she'll try to close the gap between you and start trying to engage you.

 

By pushing her, by telling her that you love her when she's doing this, it makes you seem very needy. That's not attractive to women. It won't accomplish your goals.

 

Pull back.

 

At the same time, I'd seriously suggest you let her live ENTIRELY on her own. Don't fund her seperation...don't support her during her "single life". Cut her off from your bank account/credit cards/etc... Don't pay HER bills...let HER cover them.

 

If her car breaks down...let HER fix it.

 

When she starts to see how tough it is on her own...she starts to miss having someone to share the burdens with. Odds are, OM (other man) isn't going to be able to fill that void like you can.

[Owl]

Also, the Owl is wise! He reconcilled with his wife and they are still HAPPILY married.

 

Thanks Lisa...but I'm not all that "wise". More lucky perhaps...but wise...not.

[keltin]

 

Have you exposed her emotional affair, and her plans to be with this guy to her friends and family who support your marriage?

 

 

Sorry I missed your question here, yes I exposed her with this. I let her listen to the audio that I got of her.

[keltin]

Hi

From what I have learnt on this site, best thing to do at this stage is to have a look at some of the other threads. In particular Lupa's, Tojaz, Derek12b, and MrmayI. They will get you in the know. The thing is your wife has had a while to get her mind made up about this, now you are playing catch up and you have got to do it real quick! Also, have a look at the 180 posted on MayI's thread, it is taken from a book called "Divorce Busting", which is probably also a good place to start (I've read the first chapter free online, looks helpful to me, although is too late for me with my ex- see my threda I get it if you want more details, but is different situation to yours).

 

You will need to figure out in addition where and what things have gone wrong, so start with those signs I talked about.

 

I know this is all a lot of info, espically when you are upset and in pain, but the quicker you get up to speed the quicker you can get on the right path. See, you shouldn't plead, try and get her to see sense, tell her she's wrong to feel what she feels, tell her you can fix this, tell her you love her! etc. We all do it, I did, but all is does is push them further away. You will find that to stand a chance of saving your marriage you are going to have to do evreything that feels unnaturel and the opposite of what you really feel and want to do.

 

Ok thank you for the input it truly does help. I will look into other peoples post. I just can't believe this has happened and how quick it happened.

 

Read that stuff I suggested.

 

One thing you might consider...pull back from her now.

 

Stop contacting her. Stop trying to engage her. STOP TELLING HER THAT YOU LOVE HER.

 

Instead of you reaching out to her...STOP THAT.

 

See what happens when you pull back.

 

You'll probably see something you didn't expect...she'll start contacting you.

 

It's pretty common.

 

If you keep trying to engage her, she'll pull away. But if YOU pull away...she'll try to close the gap between you and start trying to engage you.

 

By pushing her, by telling her that you love her when she's doing this, it makes you seem very needy. That's not attractive to women. It won't accomplish your goals.

 

Pull back.

 

At the same time, I'd seriously suggest you let her live ENTIRELY on her own. Don't fund her seperation...don't support her during her "single life". Cut her off from your bank account/credit cards/etc... Don't pay HER bills...let HER cover them.

 

If her car breaks down...let HER fix it.

 

When she starts to see how tough it is on her own...she starts to miss having someone to share the burdens with. Odds are, OM (other man) isn't going to be able to fill that void like you can.

 

Thank you very much for this, I will give this idea a try in regards to not contacting her. I already have gone ahead with the funds part and I asked her parents not to support her and they have agreed. (hopefully)

 

I tried ordering the book you suggested just waiting for the company to call me back.

 

Thanks again I hope things turn around soon....

[keltin]

Well got an update already:

 

The wife contacted me tonight and we had a good chat for about 15 minutes, she basically let me know what she has been doing the past few days and how her girl friend and soon to be husband where she is staying is treating her good etc... any how every thing was good in the conversation then all of a sudden she asked if I could help pay on 2 of her credit cards (115 each). I told her I'd have to think about it and then reinforced to her that she has to take care of stuff like this herself now. After she asked this within minutes she had to go.

 

So now I don't know if she called and talked a bit about other things sort of a way to play me in some sorts to get me to want to pay those bills for her?

 

Is this a usual pattern?

[carhill]

It's a 'user' pattern. FWIW, my wife has never done this since we've separated. She did have minor failings in the area prior, when she wanted her new house real bad. Some people are users. It's gender-neutral. Sometimes they're people we love. Set your boundary and enforce it. Get those finances separated and get the divorce started. She ain't coming back, at least not on terms that you can fathom right now.

[keltin]

It's a 'user' pattern. FWIW, my wife has never done this since we've separated. She did have minor failings in the area prior, when she wanted her new house real bad. Some people are users. It's gender-neutral. Sometimes they're people we love. Set your boundary and enforce it. Get those finances separated and get the divorce started. She ain't coming back, at least not on terms that you can fathom right now.

 

Ya, thats what I was thinking... she is good at manipulating to. I canceled her access to my accounts and I haven't decided if I am going to pay those two yet but I did let her know that she is on her own. She is also aware that I get paid in the next few days and I think she is anticipating me to put it in our account but she is going to be in for a rude awakening.

[LisaUk]

Ya, thats what I was thinking... she is good at manipulating to. I canceled her access to my accounts and I haven't decided if I am going to pay those two yet but I did let her know that she is on her own. She is also aware that I get paid in the next few days and I think she is anticipating me to put it in our account but she is going to be in for a rude awakening.

 

I'd say if she's only nice to you when she wants something, then that's why she is being nice. I can't stress enough how important it is that you get up to speed with what has happened in your marriage. If this is something your wife has been feeling for a long time and you missed the signs, you have go to figure it out and quick. Also, to see the process of what is likely to happen read Lupas thread "Apart and Shaken", it's long I know, will take you about an hour to read, but I think you will find it a real eye opener and it will stop you from making the wrong moves, like that 15min phone call last night!

 

It is a sad thing when it is necessary to have a game plan with regards to your own spouse and particularly when it feels so unnatural, but from my experience and the experience of others on here, it's the only way to go.

[NopeNah]

Don't pay those for her if you're not on the cards. Let her know "you reap what you sew". Now's the time to make a stand for yourself and let her realize you mean buisness! I take it you guy's don't have kids? If so, that's a huge plus in any divorce situation.

[tojaz]

Don't pay those for her if you're not on the cards. Let her know "you reap what you sew". Now's the time to make a stand for yourself and let her realize you mean buisness! I take it you guy's don't have kids? If so, that's a huge plus in any divorce situation.

 

AGREED!, she made the decision to go it alone, let her learn what alone is all about. Don't finance her leaving you, that just makes it easier for her, and she's already holding all the cards. Read the NC guide "The long Walk" at the bottom of Carhills post, that will break it down for you.

TOJAZ

[mark982]

did you expose her to all your friends and family? gotta tell them,especially her family. also don't give her a dime,nudda---nothing.are you paying for that cell phone she's texting on? if so--gotta go.

[seibert253]

Cancel all dual accounts, joint checking, savings, etc. Open new ones in your name only. Let her experience her financial freedom as well as physical freedom.

 

One thing I didn't see, or maybe I missed it, do you have children? Doesn't sound like it or maybe I'm wrong.

If you don't have children I would go NC. Don't answer her calls, don't call her. Let her leave VM messages. If you decide to call her back, keep your conversations short and to the point. DO NOT end with "I love you, I'll call you later" yada yada. Pretty simple " OK, goodbye" then hang up. Eventually she will get mad and frustrated and try to blame everything on you. You'll get the "why are you doing this to me"? Your response should be that you've done nothing, it is she whose moved out of the house and gave up on your marriage.

 

She needs to see you're moving on and not playing her games. Dude, she's stringing you along so she can sow her wild oats and see if the grass is greener. With you playing second string, she can then later call you off the bench and return home. You do not deserve this, this is the upmost disrespect to you.

[Owl]

Well got an update already:

 

The wife contacted me tonight and we had a good chat for about 15 minutes, she basically let me know what she has been doing the past few days and how her girl friend and soon to be husband where she is staying is treating her good etc... any how every thing was good in the conversation then all of a sudden she asked if I could help pay on 2 of her credit cards (115 each). I told her I'd have to think about it and then reinforced to her that she has to take care of stuff like this herself now. After she asked this within minutes she had to go.

 

So now I don't know if she called and talked a bit about other things sort of a way to play me in some sorts to get me to want to pay those bills for her?

 

Is this a usual pattern?

 

You missed your first opportunity to 'pull back'.

 

You could have simply let the phone ring...gone for a walk, got some ice cream...something...and just not answered.

 

She'd be wondering like crazy where in the heck you'd be, instead of finding you at home right where she expected.

 

Then, in a few days, answer the call. When she asks where you've been...be vague. "Oh, I'm sorry, I've just been really busy these last few nights..." but don't tell her ANYTHING. Rush her off the phone "Hey, I'd love to chat, but I've got this "thing" going on tonite...gotta run...chow!".

 

Stop letting her get her emotional need for conversation filled whenever she wants it.

 

Let her start to MISS you.

 

THEN see what happens.

[keltin]

Hey guys!

 

Thank you so much for all your tips and info I am going to reread everything you guys have posted and put a plan in place. I will not answer her next phone call nor will I get a hold of her!

 

I wish i never answered the phone now! Anyhow I will keep this thread updated on the progress and I will get a plan in action.

 

To be honest the last few days I have been feeling good, not as negative and when I am in thinking mode I for some reason don't get as upset.

 

I basically talk to anyone that wants to listen to my story and not sure if this is what is helping me but your guys info etc.... is really also helping me!

[keltin]

I'd say if she's only nice to you when she wants something, then that's why she is being nice. I can't stress enough how important it is that you get up to speed with what has happened in your marriage. If this is something your wife has been feeling for a long time and you missed the signs, you have go to figure it out and quick. Also, to see the process of what is likely to happen read Lupas thread "Apart and Shaken", it's long I know, will take you about an hour to read, but I think you will find it a real eye opener and it will stop you from making the wrong moves, like that 15min phone call last night!

 

It is a sad thing when it is necessary to have a game plan with regards to your own spouse and particularly when it feels so unnatural, but from my experience and the experience of others on here, it's the only way to go.

 

I will definitely read this tonight.