wife and I seperated - whats the chance of getting her back?

[keltin]

Well I have stuck to the NC now for 2 + weeks and it has been tough. She has barely called/texted me either (once in the last 2 weeks) but I also found out that she hasn't been contacting anyone here and that includes her parents so not sure what is up with her. Her dad called her last night and got her on the phone but she said she was having dinner and would call back but she didn't. Is this a usual pattern for some one after causing a separation to pull away?

 

I leave to see her in a week and a half and am getting nervous about it. Ultimately in 3 weeks my life will be making a big change no matter the outcome.

 

My plan is to enjoy the first couple days with her and try to read her character and then start to dig into the situation at hand. I know many people say that I shouldn't be the one to go see her but at this time I can financially afford it and she can't and I just want to see her and get things hashed out.

 

Any tips for when I see her and things I should and shouldn't do are appreciated.

[imagine]

Hi Kelton.

 

I wish that you had stayed with Owl's suggestion to read "Surviving an Affair" by Dr Harley. I recommend the Plan A approach.

 

All that you have done is that you have turned away from her. You have not exposed her OM and her. And lastly, she has no clear barrier or good image of you as walked away. Bad approach for the Plan B copy that you are trying now.

 

Go back to study the articles at the Marriage Builder site. Post here!

[keltin]

Hi Kelton.

 

I wish that you had stayed with Owl's suggestion to read "Surviving an Affair" by Dr Harley. I recommend the Plan A approach.

 

All that you have done is that you have turned away from her. You have not exposed her OM and her. And lastly, she has no clear barrier or good image of you as walked away. Bad approach for the Plan B copy that you are trying now.

 

Go back to study the articles at the Marriage Builder site. Post here!

 

Hey,

 

Is there a place to read this online?

[Owl]

Keltin, what is your reasoning behind going to see her?

 

Frankly, she sounds like she's moving on with her affair and her completely seperated life.

 

The only further contact you should likely have with her would be to serve her divorce papers.

 

Given how she's completely withdrawn from you during this "nc phase", she's almost certainly not even considering reconciliation with you at this point.

 

What are you doing to take care of yourself now? Started working out to deal with the stress? Started a new hobby, resumed an old one? What kind of support do you have from your own friends and family to help you work through this?

 

Given that finances are now seperated, and there's been NC for this time...divorce should be relatively simple to push forward now I'd think. I know that might not be what you want...but its potentially your best bet at this point.

[Owl]

Hi Kelton.

 

I wish that you had stayed with Owl's suggestion to read "Surviving an Affair" by Dr Harley. I recommend the Plan A approach.

 

All that you have done is that you have turned away from her. You have not exposed her OM and her. And lastly, she has no clear barrier or good image of you as walked away. Bad approach for the Plan B copy that you are trying now.

 

Go back to study the articles at the Marriage Builder site. Post here!

 

They had already seperated and were living a good distance apart by the time Keltin posted here...very, very little opportunity to run any kind of useful "plan A" on her in that situation...hence my suggestion of "pulling back" (not a full plan B, more like a 180) at the beginning of this thread.

 

Keltin didn't have an opportunity for plan A given what was described...and his odds for recovery were definitely against him even when he first posted given the situation.

 

I don't think he did the wrong thing...he was just very limited in options.

[keltin]

Keltin, what is your reasoning behind going to see her?

 

Frankly, she sounds like she's moving on with her affair and her completely seperated life.

 

The only further contact you should likely have with her would be to serve her divorce papers.

 

Given how she's completely withdrawn from you during this "nc phase", she's almost certainly not even considering reconciliation with you at this point.

 

What are you doing to take care of yourself now? Started working out to deal with the stress? Started a new hobby, resumed an old one? What kind of support do you have from your own friends and family to help you work through this?

 

Given that finances are now seperated, and there's been NC for this time...divorce should be relatively simple to push forward now I'd think. I know that might not be what you want...but its potentially your best bet at this point.

 

Prior to her leaving we agreed that I would come up and see her and would see how things are going. In a way I want to go up there to at least save our friendship if anything, it hurts to think that things may be over and I have thought about the divorce papers. If things don't work out while I am up there I will probably tell her that I plan on doing up the papers in a short time.

 

I have been keeping myself busy with work, I run an online business so I have been focusing hard on these to try and get a decent income from this. I have an ok amount of resource of people I can talk to, I am a more homebody so I certainly am going to have to spark this up more should we not reconcile.

 

I started going to the gym a day after she left and haven't missed a workout day yet.

 

One other thing, I was thinking that by me going to see her it may make her see changes, make her remember etc.... perhaps try to reignite a spark?

[keltin]

uhhh....my heart has just been broken big time and I guess it is my fault. I just checked my wife email and checked the sent folder. In part of her email she had this:

 

"I met this really nice guy though but don't say anything I really don't want Mike or my parents to know."

 

My heart feels like it is in my feet.

[lkjh]

You shouldn't go see her. When was the email since?

[Owl]

Sorry to hear this man...but it's very clear she's completely checked out at this point. All I can suggest is let her crash and burn on her own, completely without you.

[keltin]

Yep, I guess at this point it is a done deal. I was truly hoping we could fix this. I am in utter shock cause I never thought someone like her would do this in this way.

 

Think I should let her know about the email? I was thinking of telling her she accidentally cc'd it to me so she doesn't know I went into her email.

 

She sent that email last night.

 

This line was in the email also:

 

"Mike has backed off but I have talked to him once I wanted to see how my dog was doing cause I miss her sooooo much:(:("

[SRV]

Yep, I guess at this point it is a done deal. I was truly hoping we could fix this. I am in utter shock cause I never thought someone like her would do this in this way.

 

Think I should let her know about the email? I was thinking of telling her she occidentally cc'd it to me so she doesn't know I went into her email.

 

She sent that email last night.

 

This line was in the email:

 

"Mike has backed off but I have talked to him once I wanted to see how my dog was doing cause I miss her sooooo much:(:("

 

To save yourself the mental anguish, I would suggest you even stop reading her emails, checking her calls and do not go to see her.

 

You will be better off in the long run, but you have to start the healing process by totally disengaging from her. You now know that kind of person she truly is, would you want to be with her if she is blatantly disregarding and deceiving you?

 

You will be fine, its just a matter of time. Good luck!

[MrMayI]

To save yourself the mental anguish, I would suggest you even stop reading her emails, checking her calls and do not go to see her.

 

You will be better off in the long run, but you have to start the healing process by totally disengaging from her. You now know that kind of person she truly is, would you want to be with her if she is blatantly disregarding and deceiving you?

 

You will be fine, its just a matter of time. Good luck!

 

this is solid advice. i didn't even begin to become better until i disengaged from my wife. granted, today has me in an uproar, but no contact, visits, nothing.

[keltin]

ya, you guys are right. It is sure a tough pill to swallow. I am still in disbelief. This truly sucks!

[imagine]

Hey,

 

Is there a place to read this online?

 

Yes. Google Marriage Builders. Go to "Articles". Read everything.

 

Now you need to read up about Plan A and Plan B.

 

The knowledge their is invaluable to any married person. A lot of folk on this site know about MB. This where I was sent from Loveshack to do research.

[konasexone]

Totally hide from her, do not tell her you love or need her, get a new life pronto and make sure she isn't near it. Close your Facebook page, do volunteer work, join a gym, avoid the b...th at all cost. Get call display and don't answer her calls. Make sure your gone when she drops off the kids. Get a girlfriend. Forget about her and take care of yourself the way you did when you were single. Let her rot in hell. You were the good one but you're not putting yourself on the cross for that loser. Winners stay and work on their projects. Losers walk, remember that. You will soon start feeling great. She will start exiting her honeymoon phase and bad things will start for her. Life sucks and payback is for bitches.

[keltin]

Hello,

 

Well last night the now ex-wife and I ended up talking on the phone and we officially ended our relationship. It was a peaceful talk and of course deep down it wasn't the end result I wanted but I personally don't want to be with someone that doesn't want to be with me.

 

She really wanted me to still come and see her next week in the other province and initially I agreed to still come but then overnight I decided that in my best interest that I don't go and I informed her of that.

 

We talked about dating others etc... and she sounded right excited about it for me which was very awkward. She even mentioned that when I came to see her she would take me to the strip club etc.... and to here that coming out of her mouth was very strange because prior to all of this she was right against stuff like that.

 

I was really upset when I informed my parents and just even thinking about it, but as the night went on I started feeling better and now I am trying to think of the positives.

 

I now have to find a place to live and do the dreaded packing and sorting of her stuff and mine, my only concern right now is financial as i recently got a brand new car and have another loan but I am sure I can get through that.

 

I just want to thank everyone on here for their support during this time, I will continue to post any updates and I will also come back and see if I can help others. All I can say is in the past 4 1/2 months since everything started I learned allot about myself and know what I need to work on personally.

 

Life certainly feels strange right now and I look forward to when I am at a further stage of healing.

 

Well, time to take that trip money and do something for myself.

[Owl]

Sorry to hear this, man. Have you informed her that you're not coming? What's your 'plan' for filing/working through divorce? (don't know the laws and customs of your area, so I have no idea what steps you need to take)

[keltin]

Sorry to hear this, man. Have you informed her that you're not coming? What's your 'plan' for filing/working through divorce? (don't know the laws and customs of your area, so I have no idea what steps you need to take)

 

 

Yep, sent her a text message but she hasn't responded. In regards to the divorce I am not 100% sure how this works, we have been officially separated since July 2 and I think we may have to wait a year. I am just going to hold off on this in case things in the future change. It would pretty much be uncontested so it would go very quickly.

 

Now I got lots of decisions to make.

[keltin]

Hey Everyone,

 

Well since we officially ended it a couple weeks ago I haven't talked on the phone with the wife since and we have only talked via text message briefly on September 2 (our suppose to be 3rd year anniversary) nothing was mentioned about it.

 

Any how it was more about her asking how my camping trip was etc...

 

Well to be honest I haven't been thinking about her much at all recently but the last couple I have briefly, I was questioning myself, would I take her back if she asked. At this point I honestly don't think I would, matter of fact I don't even think I would even consider it for 3 or 4 months if it ever were to happen.

 

Any how the reason I am posting is because it is her birthday tomorrow and if it were you guys would you wish her a happy birthday?

 

I have been throwing it up in the air the past few days but I can't make my mind up. What would you do?

 

I also wanted to mention that I have been spending lots of time with a girl (with intimacy) and recently she told me she has feelings for me. She knows of my situation and I explained to her that I am not ready to be in a relationship and that I would rather keep it the way it was and she seemed very ok with it. The sad part about it is she does alot of things that make me feel good that the wife never did but at this point in time I'd rather not be in a committed relationship. I just hope because of this I am not passing up some thing good.

[Chrome Barracuda]

i aint saying its abad thing todate, but get yourdivorce first process that in your head and your heart first and formost.

 

Count your lucky blessings because it sounds to me like she was never ready to be married, and it was a short marriage at that.

 

Dont dwell on thinking about taking her back, just live for you. and ignore her. Have you contacted a lawyer and filed yet?

[keltin]

i aint saying its abad thing todate, but get yourdivorce first process that in your head and your heart first and formost.

 

Count your lucky blessings because it sounds to me like she was never ready to be married, and it was a short marriage at that.

 

Dont dwell on thinking about taking her back, just live for you. and ignore her. Have you contacted a lawyer and filed yet?

 

Hi Chrome and others,

 

Sorry I didn't respond sooner, I didn't realize there were posts.

 

Well, on December 2nd it will be 5 months to the date I watched my now ex wife drive away.

 

To date I am doing good, I am still seeing the girl I originally met, I told her that I am still not prepared to say we are dating nor do I feel like it. She is a super girl but for some reason I just can't move forward. I am enjoying the sense of no attachments. I haven't filed for divorce yet but will in July of 2010. This will make it a full year of being apart and should make it easier to process.

 

I do agree with you chrome, she was not ready to be married. I have heard many stories about her since all this went down, mainly from her ex best friend.

 

Any how since my last post which was a while ago, things got a bit dicey for a while. Her dad (mostly) and her were talking about getting a lawyer and going after me for more $$ etc... I told him straight up, I got my separation agreements and I am ready to also get a lawyer.

I called the ex who moved to another province for those that didn't know, and hashed things out with her and now things have settled.

 

I rarely talk to the wife and when I do it is her calling me, and she talks about how things are going but it seems she also calls when she needs something. The last 2 or 3 times I have turned her away. I never call her nor text her. I may hear from her once a month.

 

She has also told me that her friend whom she is living with (got married in the summer) has been cheating on her husband already with many men including his best man! (what a slut) She ended up getting pregnant and had an abortion. Her husband to this date doesn't know and currently she has a boyfriend on the side. The reason I brought this up is because it makes me now wonder how much of an influence was she on my ex to leave me??

The ex told me this and she feels so bad for the husband but is in a cross road on what to do, but quite frankly I don't care.

 

Any how, onto myself. I am doing much much better now inside, I still have a few days in a row where the ex comes to mind and it brings me down. I just think of certain things I enjoyed with her and now Xmas is coming up and things will certainly be weird this year. It was the day I proposed to the wife. We used to cook huge feast and have all the family over at our place for years.

 

This year I won't be hosting the dinner and just not having her there will make this xmas a weird one.

 

I will probably spend it with the new girl I am seeing but right now it doesn't feel right.

 

When you guys went through this also did you get these empty feels months later and find it harder to commit?

[2.50 a gallon]

keltin

 

You are doing just fine, maintain NC, she has killed the magic that you once had.

 

I was once in your shoes. Though my story was a lot different, I was much older, mid 30's and had been a player until I met my XW and she loved me into changing. I caught her cheating, and I immediately went back to dating. By the time the holidays rolled around, I think I was already on my second girl friend, but with a number of ONS, in short, I had lots of female companionship. The new girl friends helped me out of the pit, but there was still an emptiness that they never could fill. I liked them, I was attracted to them and I had a great sex life, but there was no love. With dating and marriage, the XW and I had spent 3 Christmas's together, and we had already developed a number of traditions, that I missed. It just wasn't the same.

 

But on the other hand I did have someone to share the holidays with. "If you can't be with the one you love, love the one your with" And it beat being totally alone at a vulnerable time.

 

Harder to commit, I made up my mind to harden my heart and never fall in love again, I did not want to take the chance of ever being that hurt again. I spent the next 10 years running.

 

You are still young yet. In time you will heal, you will love again and the magic will come back with some one new. Please do not do as I did and harden your heart, when love knocks answer