Author keltin Posted July 8, 2009 Author Share Posted July 8, 2009 Just an update, the phone is currently in my name and I just got my phone bill and it was 422 for the past month all because of her! Our bill is usually 124. I just texted her and gave her a code from fido that she needs to change her phone over to her own account and I told her I was going to do mine on Friday and so she needed to do hers by then cause her phone will be cut off and all I said at the end was "bye". Link to post Share on other sites
SRV Posted July 8, 2009 Share Posted July 8, 2009 Just an update, the phone is currently in my name and I just got my phone bill and it was 422 for the past month all because of her! Our bill is usually 124. I just texted her and gave her a code from fido that she needs to change her phone over to her own account and I told her I was going to do mine on Friday and so she needed to do hers by then cause her phone will be cut off and all I said at the end was "bye". There is a lot of good advise here especially from the veterans; Owl, Chrome, Gunny amongst many others, please take heed. On the phone issue, you should not even have given her a heads up. You need to get her off your plan. She needs to feel the consequences of her actions. No consequences, means no motivation to change. Do you have children together? Human beings are creatures of habit, if she is doing this to you now, she might do it again if you reconcile, just something you might want to ponder. You are pretty young, personally, I would cut my loses especially if you have no children together. Make a list of pros and cons of your marriage, and chose a direction you want to pursue. Keep your contact with her to a bare minimum on only essential issues such as bills, mortgage et al. Get a support system around you, do not engage her in any arguments or idle chit chat. If she calls, if it really important, she will leave a message and then you decide when to respond. Keep posting, good luck! Link to post Share on other sites
lupa Posted July 8, 2009 Share Posted July 8, 2009 keltin, listen to these people. They know what they are talking about. Maybe you don't have to be as "extreme" or "solid" in your responses...but they are right. I didn't fully pull back, but I stopped giving info, and then she initiates. It is normally about mundane things, but then a couple of curveballs lately. I screwed up last night and called back (waited three hours) but I'm still learning. We're all in this together, brother. Link to post Share on other sites
Author keltin Posted July 9, 2009 Author Share Posted July 9, 2009 hey, Noticed a few people asked if we had kids, we do not. She texted me this morning and said "hey" then asked if I could fix her phone as her voice mail isn't working and she has been out looking for jobs. She also asked if I could email her resume. How should I deal with this one? I haven't contacted her yet. Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted July 9, 2009 Share Posted July 9, 2009 My wife started making noises yesterday about fence repairs, whilst I was installing new thresholds for her hardwood floors. My response was, precisely, "I don't do that for you anymore. Hire a contractor". I've become used to her being annoyed with my boundaries so didn't give it another thought. IMO, your wife can do such things for herself. If you must have contact with her, encourage her to call customer support for the phone VM issue and learn how to e-mail her own documents. Self-sufficiency is confidence-inspiring. Link to post Share on other sites
Gunny376 Posted July 9, 2009 Share Posted July 9, 2009 She's a big girl, she can take care of herself, and if she can't? Its high time she got busy learning how to do so! The sooner she learns its a hard cold cruel world and a lot of 'not so nice' people out there? The better. Why are you enabling her? If someone were to hang me? I'll be damned if I let them use my rope! More than likely she's never coming back. Once they leave they seldom do. You go complete NC ~ and I mean zilch, nadda, nothing~ for three months, and show her your not playing with silly @zz, she might get a big old cup of WTFU and come back around. But, why would want to be with someone like this flaky broad? "I'm not happy?" I bet you can say that only any given day too? Huh? But did you bail? Did you run off to another province? You haven't any children with her, your still young. Cut your losses and run! Link to post Share on other sites
LisaUk Posted July 9, 2009 Share Posted July 9, 2009 Just an update, the phone is currently in my name and I just got my phone bill and it was 422 for the past month all because of her! Our bill is usually 124. I just texted her and gave her a code from fido that she needs to change her phone over to her own account and I told her I was going to do mine on Friday and so she needed to do hers by then cause her phone will be cut off and all I said at the end was "bye". Keltin, your wife has left you to go have sex with other men, why in the world with you help her? You have to show her you mean buisness, tell her you are willing to resolve your marriage and if and when she is ready to do that to contact you, but until she is ready to do that you are not going to be in contact with her. She needs to learn what life will be like without your love and support, that means NO HELP AT ALL, let her miss you! My ex had the cheek to text me one night after he left and ask me to make a repair to the front door that he had been putting off fixing for a year. Now, bear in mind he just jilted me, gave me no warning, would not try to work anything out with me and was in the process of the legals in which he bought me out of the house. Why In God's name would I fix a door, that wasn't even going to be mine anymore, why in the world he would think I would help him is beyond me. On the other side of the coin, intially when he left I became a doormat. He went to a hotel, then a week later said he was coming by for more clothes to take to his brothers, he asked if he had clean underwear and like an IDIOT I did his laundry for him! Has he come back to me? It's been 4 months, NO he's still out partying having his midlife, commitment phobic breakdown. DO NOT HELP HER IN ANY WAY. Link to post Share on other sites
Author keltin Posted July 12, 2009 Author Share Posted July 12, 2009 Hey everyone, Just got an email from the wife, in her email she apologized to me for some of the things she has said about me to people prior to her leaving and that making me out to be a bad person was never her intention. She said she is going to be going to counselling and she said she is working on changing. She told me that see missed me and the dog "sooooo much" She asked me to text her tonight if I'd like for her to call. Her mom also just told me she called her and during the convo she told her mom she couldn't wait to see me in Sept. This past week since talking with you guys I have stuck to my guns and ignored her and done my own thing. Is this what happens? I may text in her in about four or 5 hours. Link to post Share on other sites
NopeNah Posted July 12, 2009 Share Posted July 12, 2009 I may text in her in about four or 5 hours. Think long and hard before doing this. Link to post Share on other sites
Author keltin Posted July 12, 2009 Author Share Posted July 12, 2009 Think long and hard before doing this. Will do, is there anything I should expect? Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted July 13, 2009 Share Posted July 13, 2009 Go NC with her mother too. Hemoglobin sticks together. Translation: Do not trust her family. You are not their blood and can become irrelevant in the blink of an eye. I'd counsel total NC until she shows up in person at your door making proactive statements about rebuilding your marriage. In your free time, read Gunny's posts. I think you'll find a lot of experience and wisdom in his prose. Link to post Share on other sites
NopeNah Posted July 13, 2009 Share Posted July 13, 2009 Will do, is there anything I should expect? I don't know her personaly so I can't say. I said to "think long and hard" just meaning you need to put yourself ahead of her in anything right now. IMO she needs to hop down off that pedastal and start showing some actions herself for this to work. She seems like a very "self serving" person. i.e:What will this get me?type..like I said, I don't know her but, look out for yourself here..flip the script and be selfish yourself for a change. Link to post Share on other sites
Owl Posted July 13, 2009 Share Posted July 13, 2009 Do you want to let her back into your life without setting some CHANGES into motion on her part? If so...go ahead and resume contact. From my perspective, the MOST you should send back to her would be a very minimal response. "Hey, just wanted to let you know that I saw your email. I'll send a real reply when I get the chance...on my way out the door right now, but wanted to let you know that I got your email. Have a great week, and talk to you when I can!" Then take at least a few days before you respond. Give her the impression that you're living a life without her. Don't appear needy/clingy. Let her seek you out. When she's really talking about trying to resume some kind of interaction...set out some requirements on your part to make that happen. Marriage counseling, boundary changes on her part, etc... The trick here is to make her come after you...not you chasing her. Link to post Share on other sites
Author keltin Posted July 22, 2009 Author Share Posted July 22, 2009 Just wanted to post an update since my last post, My pay day went by last week and I put my cheque in my own account and I was certain to hear from her about it, to my surprise I didn't. She called me a couple times after that day to see how things were and like you suggested I kept it to a very minimal. She actually never even mentioned about my cheque. Is there any way I can judge by her voice, tone etc... that she has cheated? I was hoping to be able to pick up a sign but I couldn't. Is this just one of those gut instincts? She finally got a job there and has registered for schooling in the new province, so I was happy for her. When she talks about the future with her schooling its always with a "I" rather than "we" so is this her settle ways of saying she doesn't want to reconcile? I will see her in person in just over a month. Link to post Share on other sites
LisaUk Posted July 23, 2009 Share Posted July 23, 2009 Keltin, what exactly is the state of play here? Has she said she wants a divorce, as far as I knew from your previous posts she has gone off to have sex with other men? What's going on? Link to post Share on other sites
Author keltin Posted August 1, 2009 Author Share Posted August 1, 2009 Keltin, what exactly is the state of play here? Has she said she wants a divorce, as far as I knew from your previous posts she has gone off to have sex with other men? What's going on? Hi, Well there are a few things in play here, basically the 2 months prior to her leaving she flirted with OM in the other province via text and calling (where she now lives). She met this OM while there for 10 days to help with her friends wedding. Other things that made me aware she had plans to cheat what I caught her telling one of her friends that she plans to bring a guy back to her hotel the night of the wedding. I confronted her on this but she said she wasn't serious. I also talked to her ex best friend whom told me that my wife told her she felt like she missed out. Basically there were allot of tell tail signs that she wanted out to see other men. She now lives with her friend in this province. (the one who's getting married) I also just recently got my phone bill and seen that she called OM the moment she got onto the ferry as well she contacted him the evening she made it to the province twice around 11:30pm. Originally we had plan for her to leave for a couple months and I'd visit her then and talk if there was chance of reconciliation but after I talked to a counselor she insisted I do a legal separation which I ended up doing. It has now been a month since she left and I spoke with her on the phone today and the talk was positive but when I asked her how she felt about us working on things she said she didn't know yet but is trying. She said she's been busy working on herself. Every time though I begin to talk about this I notice she tries to change the topic as I asked her about it over a week ago as well. She also told me today that her friends husband (the one getting married) is buying her a new cell phone etc.... but I am beginning to wonder why would he be buying her a phone. Is she possibly using this as an excuse but perhaps the OM is getting it for her? Another thing I notice she does allot is she tells me about how she goes to the bar and "ALWAYS" tells me a guy hit on her etc... Why would she do this? I really don't need to know this so is she possibly trying to make me jealous or trying to make me not want to get back with her? So far she hasn't officially said she doesn't want to reconcile and so far it appears she wants to see me at the end of August so I guess I will be left in limbo until then. I am not a very good communicator when it comes to writing and I apologize but I hope the above helps out to some degree with the situation. Link to post Share on other sites
mark982 Posted August 1, 2009 Share Posted August 1, 2009 keltin,why in gods name are you subjecting yourself to more of her bull crap? go totally nc, you go visit her and what's going to happen is she's going to be constantly texting this other guy,or just disapearing for odd amounts of time. just more head games. you'll never get yourself together until you break free. personally i'd just send her divorce papers and get this over with. Link to post Share on other sites
Gunny376 Posted August 1, 2009 Share Posted August 1, 2009 keltin,why in gods name are you subjecting yourself to more of her bull crap? go totally nc, you go visit her and what's going to happen is she's going to be constantly texting this other guy,or just disapearing for odd amounts of time. just more head games. you'll never get yourself together until you break free. personally i'd just send her divorce papers and get this over with. What your doing is nothing more than self multation! STOP THAT! Link to post Share on other sites
seibert253 Posted August 1, 2009 Share Posted August 1, 2009 keltin,why in gods name are you subjecting yourself to more of her bull crap? go totally nc, you go visit her and what's going to happen is she's going to be constantly texting this other guy,or just disapearing for odd amounts of time. just more head games. you'll never get yourself together until you break free. personally i'd just send her divorce papers and get this over with. Right on the mark. NC, contact an attorney, file for D, have her served. One of two things will happen. 1. You will be totally free from her crap (because based upon what she's been doing and putting you through, I feel she needs to be kicked to the curb) 2. She will have a "Oh sh#t, he means business" moment and she come running back. Then you can get back together on YOUR terms. NC with OM, MC, transparency, yada yada. Link to post Share on other sites
Author keltin Posted August 6, 2009 Author Share Posted August 6, 2009 Hi guys, Thanks for the info I know what you are saying about the "nc" sometimes it is just hard but I fully understand what you are saying. Since that post I haven't talked to her since, she called the other day and I seen it on the caller id so I ignored it, she left a message and she asked me to text within 20 minutes if I'd like her to call back before she left to work but as hard as it was I never texted her nor have I yet or plan to. I do still plan on going up to see her in September and of course of all days I expect to get there will be our 3rd year anniversary. I have been throwing the idea up of bringing divorce papers with me depending on how things go. I am going to force a decision out of her and at the same time I may decide she or I have changed to much to even go forward. Any how on a lighter and more positive note, my wife's cousin and her husband separated/started divorce over a year ago. (they owned the beautiful home where the wife and I married) He ended up cheating on her with the nanny/house cleaner etc.... and anyhow it was pretty much thought to be set in stone that they were getting a divorce. About a month and a bit a go she got a back boned and called him and said she didn't want nothing more to do with him, she no longer wanted to help him with things such as watching his dogs or even wanted him coming around the home. Last Friday they went to the lawyers to start heckling things over and finalizing things and the lawyer asked both if there was any chance of reconciliation, he turned to the lawyer and her and said I made the biggest mistake of my life, no women has matched up to her and I wish I could have my old life back. She was deep down very happy to hear this and they are now back together working on fixing things and now plan to renew their vows there next anniversary! Just felt I should share this to at least have some positivity. Not sure if the same will happen with my wife and I but I guess they thought the same. Link to post Share on other sites
LisaUk Posted August 6, 2009 Share Posted August 6, 2009 Hi Keltin People do reconcile, you are right, some people reconcile even after years of being divorced, but sadly many don't. I know you want to hope for the best right now and I don't want to rain on your parade, BUT, I also don't want you to set yourself up for a big fall. A few months back when I joined LS I would have been all about the hope, all about the, lets look for positives, now I know better. That doesn't mean I've become jaded, I still beleive if a marriage can be saved, save it. It just means I have seen it happen so many times, right here on this board, I think it will turn out she is cake eating. Sorry to put it so bluntly, she is testing out her life with the OM and keeping you on the hook as a back up plan. I'm glad you have gone NC, because the only hope you have here is to pull a complete 180 or NC. Your w needs to see you moving on without her (even though you aren't, she doesn't need to know that), only then may she think about what she is losing. If she knows she has you on the hook, she is going to run a muck until she decides she has had enough, either the OM is great and she goes or suddenly, the OM is dumped and she is back to you. Do you really want someone who thinks of you as second best? What happens next time her head is turned? The only way forward through this is 180 all the way, if she comes back, great, but it has to be on your terms, not hers, changes have to be made so you know you are her first choice and that this will never happen again. Link to post Share on other sites
Author keltin Posted August 8, 2009 Author Share Posted August 8, 2009 Hi Keltin I'm glad you have gone NC, because the only hope you have here is to pull a complete 180 or NC. Your w needs to see you moving on without her (even though you aren't, she doesn't need to know that), only then may she think about what she is losing. If she knows she has you on the hook, she is going to run a muck until she decides she has had enough, either the OM is great and she goes or suddenly, the OM is dumped and she is back to you. Do you really want someone who thinks of you as second best? What happens next time her head is turned? The only way forward through this is 180 all the way, if she comes back, great, but it has to be on your terms, not hers, changes have to be made so you know you are her first choice and that this will never happen again. Hi Lisa, Thanks for your hand through this time, I definitely don't want to be second best and I sure have a lot to think about. Our plan before I left was that I would go and see her at the end of this month, do you guys think this a good plan to stick with? One thing I certainly don't want to happen is she texting another man while I am there with her but if I did find that out I would just leave and cut my loss. Last time I talked to her the trip came up and she seemed excited about it. I haven't heard from her in over a week and a bit now. thanks for everyone help during this time! If you were all close by I'd fire up the bbq and have you all over for an awesome dinner and beer! Link to post Share on other sites
lkjh Posted August 9, 2009 Share Posted August 9, 2009 Just my thoughts......don't visit her, especially while she has a new bf. Stay NC and make her see what she is loosing Link to post Share on other sites
WTFO Posted August 9, 2009 Share Posted August 9, 2009 ... The only way forward through this is 180 all the way, if she comes back, great, but it has to be on your terms, not hers, changes have to be made so you know you are her first choice and that this will never happen again. Whats to stop her from looking at somebody else though? If she did it once,she could do it again... How does one know when to really trust them again,and you WILL be the one and only for her?? Link to post Share on other sites
Author keltin Posted August 9, 2009 Author Share Posted August 9, 2009 I just got "stop your divorce" by Homer McDonald. Just finished chapter 1 and it is pretty good and making lots of sense. Link to post Share on other sites
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