He actually left....now what!

[northernsun]

I am the other woman. We had the typically wild affair complete with incredible passion, emotional swings and depression each time he left me, non-productivity in every other area of my life....you know the drill. Finally, last summer with the help and support of a very good friend, I finally left him. It was the hardest thing I have ever done, to extract myself from the rollercoaster...because leaving was the only thing that I could do to survive. A few months later I started a new relationship and that is when he called me asking me to be with him again and once again promising me that he would take the necessary steps to be with me. By this time, I had really moved on and turned him down.

 

I nearly collapsed when he called me 6 months later to grab a pen to write down his new address! And now we are pursuing a legitimate relationship.

 

But holy, how do you get past your past? The trust issues. The feelings of abandonment, all still come back to me. I am trying to be rational but I keep falling back into those old patterns.

 

He keeps reassuring me by telling me that he left his W to be with me. That should be a pretty strong sign! But the doubt, the insecurity, the fear just ebbs back in...

 

He told his W, by the way when he left her. He wanted to clear the air...but now I will always be the OW. Ouch. Such double standards in our society. Even though I was the one to break it off, I get the label. He has somehow come out of this smelling like a rose.

 

...does anyone have some insight? Words of advice? Is a cheater always a cheater? Can this really work? What to do with the emotional baggage from our past?

[TheDiva]

I am the other woman. We had the typically wild affair complete with incredible passion, emotional swings and depression each time he left me, non-productivity in every other area of my life....you know the drill. Finally, last summer with the help and support of a very good friend, I finally left him. It was the hardest thing I have ever done, to extract myself from the rollercoaster...because leaving was the only thing that I could do to survive. A few months later I started a new relationship and that is when he called me asking me to be with him again and once again promising me that he would take the necessary steps to be with me. By this time, I had really moved on and turned him down.

 

I nearly collapsed when he called me 6 months later to grab a pen to write down his new address! And now we are pursuing a legitimate relationship.

 

But holy, how do you get past your past? The trust issues. The feelings of abandonment, all still come back to me. I am trying to be rational but I keep falling back into those old patterns.

 

He keeps reassuring me by telling me that he left his W to be with me. That should be a pretty strong sign! But the doubt, the insecurity, the fear just ebbs back in...

 

He told his W, by the way when he left her. He wanted to clear the air...but now I will always be the OW. Ouch. Such double standards in our society. Even though I was the one to break it off, I get the label. He has somehow come out of this smelling like a rose.

 

...does anyone have some insight? Words of advice? Is a cheater always a cheater? Can this really work? What to so with the emotional baggage from our past?

 

The bolded part is actually a bad sign. Now the pressure is all on you. Should things between you two become less than perfect, in his mind, you will be the one to blame. You will probably accept this blame because, after all, he left FOR YOU. It's a tricky slope to navigate.

 

He should have left for HIMSELF, because his marriage was not working for him and he didn't want to be there. Those that leave for another have major potential to run back to W. Proceed with caution if you want to be with him. You didn't mention divorce in the post. Is he just seperated?

[MistyK]

He keeps reassuring me by telling me that he left his W to be with me. That should be a pretty strong sign! But the doubt, the insecurity, the fear just ebbs back in...

 

Actually, that would disturb me. Ideally, someone leaves a marriage because the M is irrepairably broken. For him to suggest it was for you sounds nice on one hand, but could be construed as blame on the other - like to guilt you into coming back with him after you moved on.

 

He told his W, by the way when he left her. He wanted to clear the air...but now I will always be the OW. Ouch. Such double standards in our society. Even though I was the one to break it off, I get the label. He has somehow come out of this smelling like a rose.

 

Sounds like he is a coward. No need to identify you even if he felt compelled to tell his W the truth. But truly, if he was leaving her anyway, why tell her at all when it only hurts her? Sounds like maybe he was hoping she would kick him out to negate his responsibility for making a choice. Boy do I know that nonsense well

 

...does anyone have some insight? Words of advice? Is a cheater always a cheater? Can this really work? What to do with the emotional baggage from our past?

 

My best friend and her long-term boyfriend have lingering issues, 3 years and a baby later because of him being a cheater (even though it was with her). She occasionally has nightmares about it. And they took a break for several months in there - which prompted him to really decide to divorce, but he judges her for dating during the break. I went through a similar situation, and a year and half later was not able to live it down that I went on one date while he was still playing house with his W. So many issues and insecurities...

 

No way to tell how it may work for you and your boyfriend, but rest assured that staying together is going to require a lot of extra work because of the history. Good luck.

[northernsun]

You are right, I certainly feel pressure. To his credit, he has also said that he left because his marriage was 'over' several years ago but he was staying because of his kids. He also reminds me constantly (because I need reminding) that he has a very good track record. 18 years faithful until he met me. He made a huge mistake in being infidelous and never wants to do that mistake again.

 

But there inlies the doubt, guilt, insecurity on my part.

[northernsun]

His separation documents are being drawn up. Divorce wont happen until next year.

[2sure]

Although he says he left for you...you were for all purposes already gone when he finally made the break...so thats a good thing!

 

He f'd up. Then he manned up. What more can you ask than that?

 

Once a cheater, always a cheater? Well. My H cheated on me and I dont think he will do it again because he has changed, his thinking has changed. He took steps to become the man he wanted to be.

What changes has this man made in himself other than his partner and location? I guess only you can know that.

 

Have you changed? As you have probably realized by now...usually when a woman becomes an OW it is because she is vulnerable in some way or at a vulnerable point in her life. Are you still vulnerable??

 

As to trust. Yes, I think you can build it. But you both have a comfort level with infidelity that many other people have not experienced. I would address that.

[TheDiva]

His separation documents are being drawn up. Divorce wont happen until next year.

 

IMHO it would be best to wait until the ink is dry to get re-involved with him on a romantic level. Seperation can be retracted very easily.

 

You have baggage from your previous experience with him. It has to be worked through if you are to have a chance at a relationship with him. He has double the baggage. Mourning his marriage (no matter how ready he was to leave it), his previous relationship with you, and to compound that children.

 

You are right, I certainly feel pressure. To his credit, he has also said that he left because his marriage was 'over' several years ago but he was staying because of his kids. He also reminds me constantly (because I need reminding) that he has a very good track record. 18 years faithful until he met me. He made a huge mistake in being infidelous and never wants to do that mistake again.

 

But there inlies the doubt, guilt, insecurity on my part.

 

He sounds like a manipulator. A big red flag to me reminding you he was faithful for 18 years. Sure, that's a long time and an acomplishment. BUT he was STILL UNFAITHFUL. He has it in him to cheat, period. You know this first hand. That, to me, erases that "very good track record". Honestly, how can you be sure that you are the only A other than his word? HIS WORD, the word of someone who did cheat. He said that to you because

 

1: He don't look as bad if it was "Just this once."

2: "YOU are special, I did this just for YOU and only YOU."

 

You could probably have a wonderful relationship with him. If you are willing to put in the hard work of putting the past behind you. Working through issues you and he have seperately and your issues caused by the A. It won't be the passionate wild relationship you had with him previously.

 

I get the feeling that you have many reservations about a relationship with him. Trust your gut. It rarely leads you down the wrong path.

[Mino]

His separation documents are being drawn up. Divorce wont happen until next year.

hi, Has he gone to any type of counceling? Obviously he does not handle problems well, or he would not have had an A, but dealt with his M instead. These charactor traits are still part of him. He needs to go to IC and deal with these issues or I have the feeling that when times get tough for you two, he will do as he has in the past and cheat again. I would insist IC...Good Luck:)

[Adunaphel]

I agree with the other posters that the "he left her to be with you" part could be a bad sign.

 

How long did the affair last? (I'm asking because I believe it does make a difference)

Did he ever mention/promise that he'd leave his W?

How did he talk about his marriage?

You talked about feelings of abandonement... was the A discovered? did he leave before but changed his mind? Care to tell us more?

 

Also... are you 100% positive that he is *actually* going for a divorce?

 

And... did you truly believe he'd actually leave?

 

What is it that is worrying you the most?

[Teslacoil]

He keeps reassuring me by telling me that he left his W to be with me. That should be a pretty strong sign! But the doubt, the insecurity, the fear just ebbs back in...

 

TheDiva has it completely right, and I second everything she says.

 

He left his wife because of you? Well what is to stop him from leaving YOU for the next best thing that comes along? You'll be a lot easier to dump than his wife, that's for sure. Plus then he doesn't have to deal with his kids and his wife knowing that he's still seeing the "Other Woman". He can start over fresh with someone new. That's a lot easier than staying with you.

 

"I left her to be with YOU" is the WORST reason to stay with this guy.

 

You did the right thing before. You got out. You moved on. You started a new relationship. Don't jump off that track now. Stay away. FAR away.

[northernsun]

I agree with the other posters that the "he left her to be with you" part could be a bad sign.

 

How long did the affair last? (I'm asking because I believe it does make a difference)

Did he ever mention/promise that he'd leave his W?

How did he talk about his marriage?

You talked about feelings of abandonement... was the A discovered? did he leave before but changed his mind? Care to tell us more?

 

Also... are you 100% positive that he is *actually* going for a divorce?

 

And... did you truly believe he'd actually leave?

 

What is it that is worrying you the most?

The affair began in March 06 with a few brief, unorganized, intense encounters. Then no contact until January 07 when he took me for lunch and said that he had very strong feelings for me and wanted to know if I felt the same. I did. It became very intense from then onward with the emails, txt, phone calls, secret meetings, travel, frustrating business meetings, etc. Summer 08 I pulled the pin on the A, although we did have contact during this period. January 09 he moved out.

 

We have been trying to sort things out between us but it has been very emotional and trying.

 

In the beginning of our relationship, he used to say that there were two women who 'Rocked his world." Then within a few months, those words disappeared and he kept saying that he had never loved her (his W) like this, never loved anyone this much. Never chased anyone like this. He promised to leave his wife beginning in the summer of 07. Promises and dates lapsed, time and time again. I believed it at first but finally came to the conclusion that he never would. Which is why I finally got out. That is why I was so surprised when he did. And he said that he would have left even if things did not work out with me, which at the time he had no indication that they would.

 

He never refers to her by name. Just says 'she' or 'her' even now. His M was one of convenience. No affection. They did not do anything together on their own. He travels quite a bit for work and gets a lot of 'him' time. His exW always suspected the A with me even before it started! She even called me his girlfriend at one point years ago. He told her that she was correct when he left her this past January.

 

Abandonment...I felt discarded every time he would leave and go back to his family and I was left on my own. I am divorced with 3 kids of my own.

 

He has been discussing some details of his separation agreement so I think that it is really moving forward. I am suddenly left wondering, however, why they are not getting a divorce yet. If there is infidelity, you don't have to wait a year. And he has clearly admitted that already. Something I think I need to find out about from him. I believe that he will go through with the divorce. He has already made this public to everyone. His A with me and our relationship with me now.

 

I just have this sinking feeling. I feel very insecure about this relationship. Like he might leave anytime.

 

I am also worried that he will fall into his old patterns of a relationship that he had. But what I want is someone who is engaged and involved with me. Not just a convenience.

[Adunaphel]

In the beginning of our relationship, he used to say that there were two women who 'Rocked his world."

 

This is what bothers me the most... I assume he was not considering separating at the time, nor he was having big marriage problems...he does not sound like someone who could not stand his partner anymore either...

 

did he ever explain to you why he pursued you?

(I am for the "he could cheat on you too if the very same circumstances presented theirselves" theory)

 

I am also wondering why he left 6 months after the A ended.

If he realized he could not be anymore with his W after cheating on her and he no longer wanted to live a lie, is one thing... if his W found out by herself about the A and problems started... it's very different.

[NOTSURE7]

so let me get this straight, the mm leaves his wife and tells you he did it for you and now your unhappy?, did you not want this?, you should be ecstatic..did he have kids?

 

ok ok now i am done with the sarcasm, i too am a mm who is in an A with a mw, we talk about being together forever and all the same things that happen in these Affairs, but i have never left my W and she has never left her H and i know that if i did it would be for myself and not because of ow.

 

other important questions are why did he leave w?, did he man-up and admit things or did she catch him?..very important to know

 

unfortunately for you i think that in time if you take this guy in that you will end up being in the same position as his W was when you were the ow, this dosent sound very sincere, it sounds more like he left his W and now that he is free he would like you to join him but in reality he probably is enjoying his new found freedom and only wants you to help fill the voids left when he left his W...i would be careful on this one.

[northernsun]

"

This is what bothers me the most... I assume he was not considering separating at the time, nor he was having big marriage problems...he does not sound like someone who could not stand his partner anymore either..."

 

"did he ever explain to you why he pursued you?

(I am for the "he could cheat on you too if the very same circumstances presented theirselves" theory)"

 

"I am also wondering why he left 6 months after the A ended.

If he realized he could not be anymore with his W after cheating on her and he no longer wanted to live a lie, is one thing... if his W found out by herself about the A and problems started... it's very different.

"

 

He had started to question if the relationship he had with his W was 'it' some time before our A even started. Never did anything about it. When he met me and things transpired the way that they did he realized that he wanted to be with me and that I was what he was looking for.

 

He says that his marriage was comfortable. A convenience. They got along and everything was OK. But he never fell in love before. They were friends and companions (I am paraphrasing).

 

He left her proactively because he realized that I was gone, and that he could never be with me if I didn't leave. I had told him not to call me unless he had a new address (i.e. moved out). When he realized that I was never coming back to the A, he finally made a decision and moved out. He told his W about the A a few weeks after he left.

[bentnotbroken]

He didn't leave her proactively, he had an A first. Aren't you dancing and singing in the streets. Just hang on for the ride. He left her for you, what happens when he sees another new toy he wants, does he leave you too? Maybe you should consider leaving this mess alone.

[fooled once]

The affair began in March 06 with a few brief, unorganized, intense encounters. Then no contact until January 07 when he took me for lunch and said that he had very strong feelings for me and wanted to know if I felt the same. I did. It became very intense from then onward with the emails, txt, phone calls, secret meetings, travel, frustrating business meetings, etc. Summer 08 I pulled the pin on the A, although we did have contact during this period. January 09 he moved out.

 

We have been trying to sort things out between us but it has been very emotional and trying.

 

In the beginning of our relationship, he used to say that there were two women who 'Rocked his world." Then within a few months, those words disappeared and he kept saying that he had never loved her (his W) like this, never loved anyone this much. Never chased anyone like this. He promised to leave his wife beginning in the summer of 07. Promises and dates lapsed, time and time again. I believed it at first but finally came to the conclusion that he never would. Which is why I finally got out. That is why I was so surprised when he did. And he said that he would have left even if things did not work out with me, which at the time he had no indication that they would.

 

He never refers to her by name. Just says 'she' or 'her' even now. His M was one of convenience. No affection. They did not do anything together on their own. He travels quite a bit for work and gets a lot of 'him' time. His exW always suspected the A with me even before it started! She even called me his girlfriend at one point years ago. He told her that she was correct when he left her this past January.

 

Abandonment...I felt discarded every time he would leave and go back to his family and I was left on my own. I am divorced with 3 kids of my own.

 

He has been discussing some details of his separation agreement so I think that it is really moving forward. I am suddenly left wondering, however, why they are not getting a divorce yet. If there is infidelity, you don't have to wait a year. And he has clearly admitted that already. Something I think I need to find out about from him. I believe that he will go through with the divorce. He has already made this public to everyone. His A with me and our relationship with me now.

 

I just have this sinking feeling. I feel very insecure about this relationship. Like he might leave anytime.

 

I am also worried that he will fall into his old patterns of a relationship that he had. But what I want is someone who is engaged and involved with me. Not just a convenience.

 

Regarding the bolded parts -- I call utter bullsh*t. Do you think married men who are cheating on their spouses say they are in love with them, the sex is fantastic, she is the woman of his dreams, etc. etc. etc?

 

As for infidelity as a 'cause' for divorce, many states require SOLID CONCRETE proof - ie a video - for that to go through.

 

Why the rush for him to get divorced? So what if it takes a year? Are you planning on moving you and your kids in with him? Do you realize how much your kids are going to be affected, especially once his kids start telling your kids how you were screwing him and caused their family to break up? Do you honestly think his kids are going to open their arms to you?

 

Like everyone else, the fact that he tells you he left his marriage FOR you is a huge red flag and no way, no how would I get involved with him UNTIL the divorce is final and he has had some counseling.

 

All he is doing is jumping from one bed to another without finding out who HE is. He is going to expect you to pick up right where his wife left off - cooking for him, doing his laundry, handling stuff so he can go ---- travel perhaps (and will you ever trust that he isn't possibly getting too friendly with someone else?)

 

Please do not involve your children in all this until the dust settles. Please do not subject them to this man until he gets some help to figure out what he wants.

 

Ugh...I do not see this ending well at all.

[fooled once]

And one more question -- as a mother of 3, why in the world did you have an affair with a married man?

[northernsun]

Neither mine nor his kids are involved and we are keeping it that way until the dust settles, as you put it. The funny thing is that through all of this, he is crystal clear on what he wants...to build a life with me. I think this relationship would be wonderful for so many reasons...if I could just get over the way that it all began. That is what I am trying to work through. Trust is a tough one as many of you pointed out...I know first hand that he is capable of cheating. And as anyone who has been in a love affair knows, the emotional 'crashes' are brutal every time he leaves to go back to his family. Listen to the song 'Stay' by Sugarland. It was my theme song for 2 years.

 

Yes, you are also right. I should be dancing in the streets. I am just scared that I will let go again to him and he will hurt me again. Last time by empty promises to leave...this time by the opposite.

 

I just have to get over the past. Love is messy and there are no guarantees. I just thought someone else might have been in this situation and found a way to work around it. There are so many sites about resolving the hurt of an A but never from this angle.

[jj33]

Northern there are a number of people who married the person they had an affair with. OWoman GEL and a few others. If they see your thread they may be able to give you more insight.

[northernsun]

Thanks jj33. OWoman's profile has her blog on it. It is very encouraging to read.

http://the-other-woman-xxx.blogspot.com/

[whichwayisup]

Give eachother time and space. Allow him to grieve his marriage (it is still a loss even though he is the one who ended it and walked away), be alone and heal. You don't want him 'right now'. It is not healthy for someone to end a long marriage, then instantly head straight into another relationship so soon. Obviously people do it, but the relationship isn't a healthy one.

 

IF you two are going to give this a go, take it slow. Date and get to know him again. BOTH of you need to get out of the 'affair mode', again, time and space will help.

 

Trust IS going to be an issue, I can't see how it won't be, but if you two are willing to maybe do come couples therapy, communicate and be honest, it could work. It won't be easy, but it can work.

 

Obviously with the kids involved, this is not going picnic. Under the circumstances, each of you are going to ALWAYS have to deal with your ex's, and how you two got together, that will affect the kids as they find out (and they will somehow).

 

Good luck.

[whichwayisup]

One more thing, please don't minimize their marriage or what he felt for her. Obviously he loved her enough to marry her, have children with her and create a life together. Maybe he fell out of love with her, but to say (assume) that he NEVER loved her isn't good in the long run. SHE WILL be a part of YOUR life because of THEIR kids, so it's best not to make her into the devil. Have some respect for her as the kids' mom.

 

Just my 2 cents.

[northernsun]

Thanks. That is good advice. Time is a great healer for everything.

 

About his exW, I have never demonized her. She doesn't see me in the same light, for obvious reasons but at some point in the future, when she is ready, I hope that we will be able to work through this, for the kids if nothing else. She has been pretty nasty toward me in our small community over the past 2 years even before she knew but just suspected. While I understand anger and other emotions that she must be feeling surrounding this (been in her shoes, too) I will not tolerate abuse, verbal or otherwise. I recently established those boundaries. If anyone out there (even the exW) has anything to add on how to bridge this gap over time, I would be grateful for comments. I realize that it is far too soon, but in time.....

 

Everyone involved is trying to keep the kids out of it...

[bentnotbroken]

Though it wasn't the case for me, Mr. Messy and OW didn't end up together, I would have to say there would have been no way that she would have been allowed around my children. I would have had it stipulated in the custody agreement. Though my children were older and could make up their own minds, if they had been younger, I would have fought tooth and nail to keep them away from her, based solely on her actions, not all the owomen out there.

[northernsun]

what on earth did she do, bentnotbroken? Something that I obviously want to avoid....

 

If it had worked out with them, is there ANYTHING she could have done right? To make things better (assuming that she would be inclined to making it better)