cant forget him!

[lostcrow22]

well where do i begin.... man my life has been a total mess since i met him.... well when i was in high school i had this friend and one day she said her uncle had seen me and he thought i was cute!!!

but she always told me that he would never want anything with me except sex!!

so i never got to excited to meet him!!

later on that year..... she called me and said her uncle wanted to hang out! so we did... he bought us some booze.. i didnt think he was gonna try something with me... later that night we were on our way to his homies house and he made a pit stop for some gum!! my friend said .." its ok if u make out with him.... i can tell he wants to"

so when the night came to an end we went into the laundry room of his friend's house and then we made out and he hugged me so gently... i couldn't stop thinking about him for days.... he called me 2 times after that night.... then he totally disappeared... i asked my friend and she said he does that all the time... so i completely forgot about him... then one day i left my house and moved in with my friend.... so one morning he showed up with his girl and was waiting for his parole officer... he saw me...and spanked me in the butt and said dam .... u look good!!

so for Christmas and new years i came home...to be with the family.....at that time he was moving back in with his mom which was where i was staying!!!

so when i came back i was all shy and happy!!

but my friend said...i don't want you to do anything with him.... i told her that she was okay with it before and she said she still didn't want me to mess around with him... so he kept playing around with me... she would get so mad.....so i told him what she had said!!

he said to forget her!!!

well one day he said he really liked me so i believed him and i started to fall for him really bad.... to the point that i came back home to be with him....because my friend said that if i wanted to be with him i had to leave her house!!

so we tried being together while i was home.... but he wasn't liking it to much.... so he said move in with me... so i sneaked out of my house and never came back...... my friend saw me at her house... which technically was her grandmas..my bf mom's house.... well time went by and i was living with him and i would ignore his niece(my friend)

well one day i got really scared because he accused me of being a lesbian and making out with his friend that he had left in the car with me while he picked up....well that night if his mom wouldn't have shown up ...i think he would have beat the **** out of me.....well time went on and i would go home and then leave with him again.... while i was with him.... it was non stop party and non stop smoking and non stop sex... there would be times when i wouldn't want to so it and he would force me because he supposedly he was a nymph.

well that was nothing compared to all the mean things he would call me or the unbearable beatings he would give me...... he said i was the 1st girl hes ever hit... but that he did it because he loved me so much he didnt want to loose me..... well i figured that after seeing his father do it so much to his mom... he thought it was the way to keep a relationship right....... but anyway...... he did so many psycho things.... i think it was all the drugs he took..... he use to smoke crystal all the time.... i think it had made him paranoid and it also made him hallucinate..... well we lived in the garage.... he put a lock on the back door.... and he also made a special lock to the front door of the garage.... some nights he would do me and leave for the whole night and lock me in there so i wouldn't leave..... he would come back at 6 or 7 in the morning and beat me up saying someone was in there and that i had left or that i was doing his dad... or his nephew..... man it was just so much that by the time it was November again i left him for 3 months and during those 3 months he would call me and say that he missed me and that he realized wat he had and all these great things.... well the night of new years i left with him again..... it was all just worse.... but i had so many good times with him as well as bad times..... he made my self esteem go up so much... just to bring it down more than what it was at the beginning.... well the point is that one day he told me... i wanna change.... i wanna stop everything that is bad.... and get my life together....please help me.... so we had made plans of moving to Miami with his brother and sister and then getting our own place and having a baby.....thats wat he really wanted.... a baby... a new beginning. so that night we made love...and we hoped for a baby....i was scared.... that everything would turn out the way it is now.... he always asked me if i would wait for him if he got locked up and i would say of course baby..... but now hes in prison....hes been there for a yr now...our baby is 1 and 1 month and i still havent got courage to write to him or contact his family... well i did at the beginning but they dont look for my son so i dont see y i should go after them..... i mean they got my number my address and my email so i dont see wats stopping them.... i really want to write to him... wat should i do.... i feel like im never gonna stop loving him.. with this intensity that i do......man i need help......i miss the good times with him!!!

help!

[GorillaTheater]

I'm thinking that you probably shouldn't write him, but I'm pretty cautious about these things.

[2sure]

You really have to think here. And you are going to have to be selfish for your child.

 

What you miss about him doesnt matter. What you miss about the lifestyle you had with him doesnt matter.

 

There is a question you have to ask yourself every time you make a decision, every time you meet someone, every time you go someplace:

 

Is this what is best for my child? What does this contact DO for my child.

If the answer no or nothing...walk away.

 

It seems selfish, but it isnt being selfish for you - its being selfish for your child. Its protection.