I haven't met his friends or his family at all, is it normal to feel insecured?

[Monkey Princess]

I have been dating my boyfriend for a bit over a year. Before we got together we talked on the msn for about two years. Late last year I was in his town for a couples of times and again last month but after all these time, I haven't visited his place yet and I haven't met any of his friends and his family. I feel really insecured about this. I came from different country to see him but I feel like I don't know anything about him there and I also feel like he's hiding me from everybody though he said some friends knew about me. The reason I couldn't go to his place was that he said his sister family was there because they're fixing their house. They have been there for 9 months now. He says when they're at his place, he lives at his parents. We chat on web cam when he's at his place but never at his parents' cuz he says he doesn't feel good even though he has his own room and he's in his late 30s. I asked him many times to get on webcam at his parents' but he kept saying no.

 

Could he do anything to make me feel more secured? Does he act strangely or I imagine it myself as he likes to say I do? Or I should try to trust him more.

 

He also likes to go hang out 1-1 with his female frienda. Sometimes they go jog together or go to parties or just dinner and drinks. I hate to think about the two of them spending all the evening together. When I talk to him, he says they're friend and that he's gonna keep doing this. He even says I have no right to ask him to stop. Ok I get it, it's just something we don't really do that in my culture especiall one of his female friend is married but still comes hang out with him. That's something I won't do.

 

And now he's talking about his female friend spending a night at his place. Is it appropriate for him to let her stay at his place?

 

Thank you.

[Rollercoasterr]

I'll bet good money that he's seeing the "friend" and his family and friends know her as his girlfriend and not you. I'll even go so far as to say that NONE of his friends know about you.

 

It is NOT normal for someone to date a person for over a year, but yet not know their family and friends. Not normal at all. This guy is hiding you from them, sweetheart. He's playing with you, and he's playing you for a fool.

 

I wont tell you to end it, because usually OP's in this kind of situation hold on to the slimeballs they are dating with a deathgrip, but I hope that you wisen up and do it. You don't need this. You dont need to be his plaything.

[LDR]

Hmmm. . . why is she staying at his place? My boyfriend doesnt spend alone time with his female friends, its always in a group setting. If you told him that it bothers you and he wont change that, then he is not respecting your feelings, nor taking you into consideration. I also find it weird that he wont introduce you to his family. Has he met yours?

[Monkey Princess]

No, he hasn't met my parents also. But it's because he hasn't come here since we get together. I had chances to go see him more. The first couples of times we went on trips out of his town staying at hotels. Last month I went, we also stayed at a hotel because he said his sister family was still at his place.

 

He said he wanted to spend time with me alone and not with his friends. Plus he doesn't really have good friends in town anyways. But I do see him go hang out with lots of friends. About his family he said eventually I would meet his parents but now not a good time because it's stressful with them and his mom is on medication too. Those are all the reasons he gave me when I asked about what I really wanted to know.

 

I know him for 3 years now, a bit over a year being bfgf but really I haven't been to his place or met anyone. I don't feel good about it though I think he's a good guy and won't lie to me about not having no one else but me.

[LDR]

What reason did he give for his female friend to stay at his house? Why hotels outside of his town? I agree with Rollercoasterr, he is hiding you, and I think there is something going on with his friend as he told you he is going to keep doing that, not taking your feelings into consideration, as I mentioned in my previous post. Plus saying he doesnt have a lot of friends, but then goes hang out with them. Does he think you are stupid?

[Monkey Princess]

Hmmm. . . why is she staying at his place? My boyfriend doesnt spend alone time with his female friends, its always in a group setting. If you told him that it bothers you and he wont change that, then he is not respecting your feelings, nor taking you into consideration. I also find it weird that he wont introduce you to his family. Has he met yours?

 

 

He said she's coming in town to see her boyfriend who happened to be out of town. I asked why she's coming still, he said bought ticket already. They used to work together and are good friends. I told him now you're with me you should consider how I feel.

 

At the end he said he was thinking about giving her a sleeping bag and she could stay at a new house his parents just bought. No furniture though or she could get a hotel. But when I asked him at the begining that could he not let her stay at his place if she asked, he could tell her his sister's there but he said they moved out already and that she used to stay at his place all the time before. That doesn't sound like he plan on her getting a hotel or in a sleeping bag until I got mad. He even added why argued with him when she hadn't asked or he hadn't agree with her yet? At the end he asked why couldn't she stay too, like it's ok for her to stay. I just don't like having another female at my boyfriend even they're friends. Is that bad?

[Monkey Princess]

I myself really feel like he's hiding me. But when I told him about how I felt and why I felt that he only said I was imagining it and it's not true, that he didn't hide me and he's not married and there's no one else.

 

I have been stressed about this a lot and we fight constantly. But nothing else he did to make me feel better but saying only that I imagined it and gave me some reasons, like I can't meet his parents cuz it's stressful at home, I can't meet his friends cuz they're not really his friends, his good friends are not in town but he does go out a lot with different people whom he says friends. It's hard for me also that he goes hang out 1-1 with female friends too. He says they're friends for over 10 years so it's ok. So why can't I meet them when I was there? When he goes out drinking with guys then it's in a group.

 

Is it really my fault and that I should trust him more? I'm new here sorry if I talk a lot but I just found a place where I think I can ask questions. Thank you.

[LDR]

He is just blaming you, trying to make you feel guilty, so that you can accept his behaviour. I would not tolerate the way he is acting, and I am sure he would not be ok if you acted the way he does.

[Rollercoasterr]

Okay, if you've never been to his place either then that throws up a red flag to me that says he's got a live-in girlfriend, wife, or whatnot that thinks he's on a trip with his friends. And yes, that does happen. Every single day.

 

If now isn't a good time for you to meet his mother then I don't know when is. You've been together for over a year. It's time you met her, or you cut bait with this one. There is no excuse for you not meeting his family. What exactly does he think will happen with her? Is meeting you going to put her into some kind of deep sickness? I doubt it. If he truly loved you and was happy any mother would be ecstatic over it. He's lying.

 

He's playing you, and you're letting him play you. Open up your eyes and take a look at it from the point of view who isn't blindy in love with him. He isn't even a good liar! First he's going out with friends a lot, but then he doesn't have many friends in town? Which is it?

 

And how oh so convenient it is that EVERY time you're in town his sister is living with him, but when it's the other girl, they're gone. Really, honey. You can't see this?

[Monkey Princess]

I don't really know what to think anymore, that's why I came here. Half of me believe him for 3 years of knowing him. I don't think he's a liar type. Half of me think he's hiding me. But everytime he gives me same simple questions for everything I ask him and I try to think they're true. I don't know if it's really coinsidence or not.

 

It's been 9 months he says his sister family is there at his place and that he lives at his parents' place. He does go back to his place every week for some days that he says his sister family goes back to their house. He says their house almost done fixing and so they go back sometimes. We talk on webcam when he's at his place and it's really tidy and clean, doesn't look like a family with a little kid stay there at all. I don't know what to think. But when he's at his parents' place, he never ever gets on webcam so I don't see what his room looks like at all.

 

This past weekend he happened to say his sister started moving a lot of stuff out (when I asked what's a lot, I didn't see anywhere on webcam, he said closet) but didn't really say they actuall move out. But now his friend is coming, he says it's ok because they moved out. Eventhough at the end he said he would have her stayed at a hotel but he did talk like it's ok before, that's before I got upset.

 

About his mom, she just recovered from cancer a couples of months ago and still on medication. But I still think it's ok to meet her. He even said before she wanted him to have a family, so introducing me wouldn't make her feel better?

 

I'm trying to give all the details here. Am I just being a fool? He always says I have to trust him more and don't imagine it myself. And that we have to work harder. I just don't understand that eventhough we fight like every other day, he still calls me everyday (well, except the weekends). If he really has someone there, why bother staying with me fighting. I don't get this at all and don't know what to think.

[hoping2heal]

I don't really know what to think anymore, that's why I came here. Half of me believe him for 3 years of knowing him. I don't think he's a liar type. Half of me think he's hiding me. But everytime he gives me same simple questions for everything I ask him and I try to think they're true. I don't know if it's really coinsidence or not.

 

It's been 9 months he says his sister family is there at his place and that he lives at his parents' place. He does go back to his place every week for some days that he says his sister family goes back to their house. He says their house almost done fixing and so they go back sometimes. We talk on webcam when he's at his place and it's really tidy and clean, doesn't look like a family with a little kid stay there at all. I don't know what to think. But when he's at his parents' place, he never ever gets on webcam so I don't see what his room looks like at all.

 

This past weekend he happened to say his sister started moving a lot of stuff out (when I asked what's a lot, I didn't see anywhere on webcam, he said closet) but didn't really say they actuall move out. But now his friend is coming, he says it's ok because they moved out. Eventhough at the end he said he would have her stayed at a hotel but he did talk like it's ok before, that's before I got upset.

 

About his mom, she just recovered from cancer a couples of months ago and still on medication. But I still think it's ok to meet her. He even said before she wanted him to have a family, so introducing me wouldn't make her feel better?

 

I'm trying to give all the details here. Am I just being a fool? He always says I have to trust him more and don't imagine it myself. And that we have to work harder. I just don't understand that eventhough we fight like every other day, he still calls me everyday (well, except the weekends). If he really has someone there, why bother staying with me fighting. I don't get this at all and don't know what to think.

 

If what you're saying is the truth, then yes. I feel you are being very played. Why does he live with his parents when he's in his late 30s? That in itself doesn't make a lot of sense. I agree with Rollercoaster ; when you are in town there is an excuse. His mother is recovering from cancer so you can't meet her? Baloney. I worked in healthcare for years, and we had women on our floor recovering from types of cancer you don't want to think about. They welcomed visitors (volunteers, choirs etc.) They didn't need to come in wearing quarantine suits either. Believe me, some of these women were frail and a lot less time than a few months out from cancer recovery. He's feeding you a whole line of BS. If I was serious about someone, you're damn right my mother would know about them. There's no good excuse, as rollercoaster said ; he is playing you and you're allowing him too.

 

Seems like you are just being fed lie after lie. My mom has a very good friend I know, she was involved for more than a year with a man who was married and lying to her. To add insult to injury, three different times he arranged for a meet where he never intended to really show; giving her an excuse every time and one of those times? She happened to get into a very severe car accident. He had children speak to her, that weren't even his real kids. I mean the lies I've heard people tell are quite elaborate and out there, but if the other person believes in the person telling them enough, they actually get swallowed. I think it's quite evident that you don't know the whole truth about this guy, and he's stringing you along.

[Island Girl]

I don't know if it's really coinsidence or not.

 

One coincidence, maybe. Two coincidences, probably not. Three - more than likely not. Four - No possible way.

 

It's been 9 months he says his sister family is there at his place and that he lives at his parents' place.

 

So when you have gone to see him - his sister and her family have been at his house during that time, correct?

Then there is NO REASON why you shouldn't have met them.

But you didn't. He made no effort to rectify this.

 

You haven't met ANYONE to substantiate what you THINK you *know* about him.

How do we come to believe we know someone? Through their actions and words to us and others. It is in the consistency.

You only have his words and moments with him away from everyone else he knows and sees in his "real" life. He can pretend to be anyone. He can pretend he is single while he has a wife at home. That "home" could be where he webcams from but limits it ("because he doesn't live there") to only the times he is alone.

Convenient isn't it?

 

He says he lives somewhere else so that the majority of the time he can't be on webcam talking to you and saying the kinds of things I am sure he does -- it is because his wife or live in girlfriend is RIGHT THERE.

So he types instead.

 

All of these times he is on web cam at "his house" -- and his sister and her family have LIVED there for 9 months -- you have never seen her, her husband, their children.

They are ALWAYS conveniently gone.

Not a CHANCE that this is accurate. You'd have seen at least ONE of them -- and you certainly would have heard them. HE IS LYING.

 

He does go back to his place every week for some days that he says his sister family goes back to their house. He says their house almost done fixing and so they go back sometimes. We talk on webcam when he's at his place and it's really tidy and clean, doesn't look like a family with a little kid stay there at all. I don't know what to think. But when he's at his parents' place, he never ever gets on webcam so I don't see what his room looks like at all.

 

I am getting the impression MOST of the contact you have (if not ALL) is over the computer. When he is at "his parents house" (which is complete crap BTW) he is just chatting by typing.

And only when he goes to "his house" does he get on web cam -- so it is still computer contact.

So when that DOES happen isn't it amazing that his sister and the entire family is ALWAYS gone?

That no one is ever around - no family - no friends - but he sees these people ALL the time?

It doesn't add up does it. No it doesn't. He is yanking your chain. HE IS LYING.

 

This past weekend he happened to say his sister started moving a lot of stuff out (when I asked what's a lot, I didn't see anywhere on webcam, he said closet) but didn't really say they actuall move out. But now his friend is coming, he says it's ok because they moved out. Eventhough at the end he said he would have her stayed at a hotel but he did talk like it's ok before, that's before I got upset.

 

So he is back at "his house" permanently now, right?

 

No more excuses about getting on webcam.

No excuses about being on the phone and talking to you?

 

You haven't written about that -- the phone. Can you call him? Does he answer? Does he talk to you for any real length of time?

 

AND YES -- the girl staying at his house is something that would wreak havoc on my relationship if my husband were to pull that crap. I'd be LIVID. Angry just isn't a strong enough word.

 

About his mom, she just recovered from cancer a couples of months ago and still on medication. But I still think it's ok to meet her. He even said before she wanted him to have a family, so introducing me wouldn't make her feel better?

 

There are so many holes in his stories we really don't even need to make this a point of interest. Let's let the mom issue go for now.

 

I'm trying to give all the details here.

 

Thank you for that.

 

Am I just being a fool?

 

I understand you WANT to believe he is being honest.

 

I appreciate you giving the detail you have.

 

I think you will need to push the point (issue an ultimatum) to make him prove himself. If he loves you, and is being honest, then he will do whatever it takes (and what it takes isn't very hard).

If he DOESN'T prove it - then you MUST walk away.

In fact you should issue the ultimatum and shut down communication EXCEPT for getting that proof.

 

Now if the proof doesn't happen -- and you still accept excuse after excuse in the face of all reason and STAY -- well then, yes, I am sorry but you are a fool and will be very VERY hurt in the end of this mess. AND you will have wasted even more time than you have already on a cheating jackass loser liar.

 

He always says I have to trust him more and don't imagine it myself. And that we have to work harder.

 

Oooooooo. This just takes the cake.

 

HE has given you NO REASON TO TRUST HIM.

 

In fact quite the opposite. He has given you PLENTY of reason NOT to trust him.

 

AND that "we just have to work harder" -- that is just too idiotic! YOU are the one who has to accept all of these ridiculous excuses with NO proof to back it up.

What is he doing as far as "WORK"?

Oh yeah, it must be tough to keep spinning these lies and trying to keep his LYING BUTT covered.

 

It is time for HIM to do some actual WORK.

 

Tell him he has to produce his sister (who should very much know about you!) on web cam immediately.

Tell him you expect to talk to his friends when he is with them next (and again that should happen IMMEDIATELY).

Tell him you expect him to prove his side of this fable and HE has to figure out what that entails.

 

THEN go NC. DO NOT contact him to find out his progress. DO NOT send him e-mails or chats telling him you miss him, etc.

And DO NOT accept anything less than all of the above AND MORE.

 

If you do -- you really will be a fool.

 

 

I just don't understand that eventhough we fight like every other day, he still calls me everyday (well, except the weekends). If he really has someone there, why bother staying with me fighting. I don't get this at all and don't know what to think.

 

Because he very conveniently has the ability to have an affair going on with reduced possibility of getting caught.

 

I am sorry to have to put it this way but not many women would accept these lame lies he throws out. They'd have expected meeting people in his circle already -- a lot earlier than this.

He found one that he can string along - which is difficult - and so he is going to keep doing it AS LONG AS YOU ALLOW HIM TO.

 

You say HE calls YOU. What happens when you call him?

What if you call in the middle of the night or early morning when he is up getting ready for work?

[Monkey Princess]

Island Girl - thank you for taking time to analyz everything I said here. I appreciate that.

 

Also thanks to everyone else too. Sometimes I think I force myself to try to trust him. It's just I always know nice people who never dec me and he doesn't look like a liar type. I know so many things are suspicious but I try to see it as what he explains. I try to give it sometimes and eventually I should know everything. I don't know how long will it take for the long distance relationship. I went out with a lot of guys before but never comitted to be be their girlfriend. I feel like this is a serious one for me and I want to try hard to make it work. But you guys really helped me see other layers. I just didn't know what to do before...to trust him and wait til it's the right time or he should do something for me too?

 

 

So when you have gone to see him - his sister and her family have been at his house during that time, correct?

Then there is NO REASON why you shouldn't have met them.

But you didn't. He made no effort to rectify this.

 

His place is a one bedroom condo. He said 3 people are there so there's no room for me and him. So he didn't take me to his condo at all. Haven't met the sister family in person or even seen them on webcam.

 

 

You haven't met ANYONE to substantiate what you THINK you *know* about him. How do we come to believe we know someone? Through their actions and words to us and others. It is in the consistency.

You only have his words and moments with him away from everyone else he knows and sees in his "real" life.

 

That's why I want to meet every one in his life, not just him. But when I went there, he said we only had limited time together (3-5 days at a time) and he didn't want to spend it with other people, plus those people he hung out with were not good friends of his.

 

He says he lives somewhere else so that the majority of the time he can't be on webcam talking to you and saying the kinds of things I am sure he does -- it is because his wife or live in girlfriend is RIGHT THERE.

So he types instead.

 

Yes, most of the time he's at his parent's house in his own room while the sis family is at his condo. But when they go back to their house for a night or two, he will go stay there at his condo and that's when he gets on webcam with me. But never at his parents'. I have his parents' address though and found a phone number. I called that house once (I realized after I did that that I didn't trust him at all), and his mom picked up the phone. I knew it's his mom cuz I heard her on the phone with him many times before. Anyway, it still doesn't prove or show me where he actually lives cuz he never gets on cam with me when he says he's at the parents'.

 

 

All of these times he is on web cam at "his house" -- and his sister and her family have LIVED there for 9 months -- you have never seen her, her husband, their children.They are ALWAYS conveniently gone.

 

He says they go back to their house which is almost done fixing, after 9 months! So it's only him I see on webcam, and the condo is really neat, no girly stuff but well, a girl friend can be there too for some nights.

 

 

I am getting the impression MOST of the contact you have (if not ALL) is over the computer. When he is at "his parents house" (which is complete crap BTW) he is just chatting by typing.And only when he goes to "his house" does he get on web cam -- so it is still computer contact.

 

Right. Well, he also calls me every morning while DRIVING to work. So how long we talk depends on when he start calling, like right after he leaves home or drive for a while. Then he has to hang up when he gets to work. Sometimes he calls again after he gets off work, still while driving somewhere. Only once in a while that he calls when he's at home/condo. I don't get to call him much cuz I will wait for him to call his morning. I used to call sometimes in the evening, but he didn't really pick up the phone. He said after work, he usually had the phone on silent or he's out and didn't hear it. So I stopped calling for so long until last month after I came back, I called more often and he picked up more than before.

 

Besides the short phone call, we talk longer on msn, while he's at work or sometimes for a short while when he gets home. And yes, only at his condo that he gets on webcam. He says he doesn't have a webcam at his parents' but he never seems to want to take the came there.

 

 

So he is back at "his house" permanently now, right?

 

He does't really say that. He says his stuff still at his parents'. But past two days he's at the condo.

 

 

You haven't written about that -- the phone. Can you call him? Does he answer? Does he talk to you for any real length of time?

 

The longest we talk would be around half an hour. Most of the time it's in his car, only sometimes when he's at his place. He says he doesn't like to talk much on the phone as well ,so we use msn a lot too.

 

 

AND YES -- the girl staying at his house is something that would wreak havoc on my relationship if my husband were to pull that crap. I'd be LIVID. Angry just isn't a strong enough word.

 

Today he called saying he never meant for her to stay at his condo. But when I mentioned yesterday about I didn't want her to stay, he asked why not, the sister was not there and she used to come stay at his place before when they worked together in some other town a while back. Seemed to me like he thought it's ok and he would have her there, so I was really mad. Now he said he would help her find a hotel or let her borrow a sleeping bag and she can sleep at the new house the family bought. With nothing in the house but sleeping bag? Yeah right, like he really planned for that.

 

 

I think you will need to push the point (issue an ultimatum) to make him prove himself. If he loves you, and is being honest, then he will do whatever it takes (and what it takes isn't very hard).

If he DOESN'T prove it - then you MUST walk away.

In fact you should issue the ultimatum and shut down communication EXCEPT for getting that proof.

 

Yes, I feel like I realy want a proof so I can give up on this and move on. There're some other guys who show interest in me but I'm still his girlfriend and, like I said, I try to make it work and not to cheat on him when I still call him my boyfriend. Just don't know how can I know for sure he has someone there or it he doesn't do anything for me, I should call it quit too?

 

 

THEN go NC. DO NOT contact him to find out his progress. DO NOT send him e-mails or chats telling him you miss him, etc.

 

What does go NC. mean?

 

 

 

I am sorry to have to put it this way but not many women would accept these lame lies he throws out. They'd have expected meeting people in his circle already -- a lot earlier than this.

He found one that he can string along - which is difficult - and so he is going to keep doing it AS LONG AS YOU ALLOW HIM TO.

 

I have asked to meet his friends after 6 months with him before I went there again. I'm wolrd apart from him and we don't get to see often. So when there's an opportunity for me to go to his town, I would love to meet as many as I can because I don't know when I could be back again.

 

There's one time we went out of town on a trip and I met his 'good friend' there. But still it's not someone he hangs out with a lot. He doesn't meet that friend much too. So I kept asking to meet people he hangs out with in everyday's life but the excuses are what I said before.

 

 

You say HE calls YOU. What happens when you call him?

What if you call in the middle of the night or early morning when he is up getting ready for work?

 

Phone is off when he goes to bed and on when he leaves his place and that's when he calls me.

 

Thank you guys. I think I want some time to rethink about the whole thing. I appreciate all your comments.

[Island Girl]

Okay. Let me first say that I am very familiar with communication from one country to another/time differeces, etc.

My (now) husband and I are in different countries and have a 3 or 4 hour time difference depending upon whether Daylight Savings Time is being observed here in the US or not.

 

That said I can tell you that no matter WHEN I call his phone is on and charged.

There has always been a clear understanding of the level of trust involved in an LDR and we both know it is best for each of us to keep insecurities satisfied.

 

I have called when he is literally hanging in the open doorway of a moving bus and he answers the phone. I have caught him in the shower or in the restroom and again - he ANSWERS the phone.

 

There have been times over the years where he has stepped away from the range of the phone.

Other people answer and immediately say "Oh! Hello Mrs. Island! Hang on, hang on! He went ________ we get him for you!" -- and while I am holding there are always the considerate questions, "How are you? We love you and Miss You So Much."

 

Three or four times his cell has broken/been lost/ or stolen.

On these occasions he has called me immediately with alternate phone numbers either because he has borrowed a family members phone or a house nearby to where he is.

When I have had to call someone else's house they know exactly who I am and they will tell me to call back in 5 minutes so they can run and get him for me.

 

I have been there to visit twice. Both times there was a production made of a meet and greet with relatives so they could finally get to meet the woman he constantly talks about.

The second time I was there I was stopped by strangers on the street who said "Are you Mrs. Island? We hear you are here to visit and we are so happy you have come! He must be so happy."

 

His mother and two sisters live in NZ and flew to his country when I visited just so they could meet me on my first visit there.

 

At this moment I have approximately 30 phone numbers of relatives and others that I met or had to call. I can track him down wherever he is if need be (an emergency) and they all KNOW exactly who I am when I call. I don't even have to say my name. They hear me say "hello" and they know. --- I have had to do this twice before. Once when there was an 8.1 earthquake and another time when he was hospitalized for severe injuries.

 

 

NOW.

I have illustrated all of this to you so that you can fully understand where there is a will there is a way.

 

If you have a true relationship with this man then his family and friends would know all about you and WANT to meet you just as much as he'd be beaming with pride to introduce you.

 

You have been there MANY more times than I have been to my husbands country. Yet I have met most everyone at this point and you have met NO ONE.

 

BIG RED FLAG THAT HE IS BEING DECEITFUL.

 

He has been to his house while his sister and her family have been living there over the last 9 months.

Yet they are always gone when he talks to you.

ALL OF THEM. EVERY TIME.

 

BIG RED FLAG THAT HE IS BEING DECEITFUL.

 

Nearly every time you mention he calls you - he is calling from the privacy of his car when there is no one around.

Your main phone conversations happen only before and after work - when he is commuting.

 

And he only calls OCCASIONALLY in the evening.

 

He turns his phone off or on vibrate in the evenings or when he is sleeping.

***** No one does this. The cell is the phone anyone would use in an emergency. His mother having cancer and being on meds -- no way. He'd leave it on.

UNLESS he has another land line phone at home.

IF that is the case then why don't you have that number?

 

ALL OF THESE ARE BIG RED FLAGS THAT HE IS BEING DECEITFUL.

 

He refuses to introduce you to his friends because they are not his good friends.

 

But he sees them on a regular basis and spends a fair amount of time with them.

 

So if these AREN'T his good friends then who are his good friends and why haven't you met THEM??

 

It doesn't add up does it.

 

Because HE IS LYING.

 

And finally, he tells you there is another woman coming to see her boyfriend - but has to stay at his place.

Why?? Because HER boyfriend is going out of town -- even though she apparently is LD and this was a planned trip.

Yes. Her boyfriend is going to be out of town -- so she is going to spend that time with YOUR boyfriend instead.

That makes a lot of sense right?? NO. IT MAKES NO SENSE.

And IF it was true - which it isn't - then HER boyfriend would be having major issues with that don't you think??

And then finding a hotel room for her becomes your boyfriends problem to solve because... oh yeah. There is NO REASON why it would be his problem.

 

 

ALL OF THIS MAKES NO SENSE AT ALL WHATSOEVER.

 

 

I am afraid for you. I am afraid of the hurt his lies will cause you.

 

I think you are a kind person. I think your are generous and want so much to believe the best in people especially him. But your trust is misplaced.

He has shown you no reason to trust him and in fact has given you many many reasons NOT to.

You say you have other men there that are interested in you that you could be interested in as well.

 

You need to quit wasting your time.

 

Tell him to put up and you want him to leave you alone until he does.

If he never does - well then. You know there are REASONS why he can't.

Those reasons can ONLY be a WIFE or a GIRLFRIEND.

 

Tell him you want him to step it up and prove your faith in him has NOT been misplaced and that you will be going No Contact until he does.

 

And don't wait around for him to prove it.

 

Start living your life there in the meantime.

 

If he has nothing to hide and wants to maintain the relationship with you he will show you what you need to see immediately.

 

If he doesn't, then you know not to waste any more of your valuable time on someone who was using the LD situation as way to deceive you and the other people in his life.

You will be well rid of him.

[bean1]

I'm sorry this has happened to you, but this man clearly has a wife or long-term female partner at home. I don't think you stated where he lives, but I suggest you take his full name and city and start doing a bit of detective work. I think both you and her - whoever she is - deserves to know the truth.

[Monkey Princess]

Thanks guys! You almost made me cry there Island Girl:) Yes, I defintely want someone who would introduce me to everybody around him like your hubby did. My boyfriend is just not that one.

 

He says he doesn't really care about the phone much after work. That's him. He's been like this forever that he puts the phone everywhere or on silent and doesn't hear it. Nothing's gonna change.

 

With other guys I went out with before I knew all their friends and family. But this one is the first one that everything started from LD and I never get to meet anybody.

 

Deep down I want to believe him for he looked me in the eye saying he had no wife and I was the only one he had. I just can't understand why he would want to deceive me with all these lies. What would he get from me?

[Rollercoasterr]

Excuse me, but if my mother had cancer and if she was in such a frail state that I didn't want my fiance to meet her, I'd be damned if I'd turn my cell phone on silent. His stories don't match up, and no matter what we say you're not going to listen to the facts and get your head straight. You keep dancing around this whole "well I want to believe him crap", but you know what? He hasn't EARNED your trust. The only thing you are to him right now is a LD booty call. And yes, it would be more convenient to have an LD mistress because you wouldn't have to worry about people knowing that person, or getting caught as much. This way he can arrange to have his girlfriend or wife sent away to a spa, to her parents, to his parents, or with her friends while he's with you.

 

And of course he wouldn't want to take you to his home. Do you honestly think that he'd risk his neighbors or anyone seeing you with him and then running back and telling his girlfriend? Wake up and open your eyes.

 

So you really don't know what he would get from you out of lying? The same thing all cheaters get out of their mistresses. Sex, and no strings. He can leave you anytime he's done using you as a plaything.

[Monkey Princess]

 

And of course he wouldn't want to take you to his home. Do you honestly think that he'd risk his neighbors or anyone seeing you with him and then running back and telling his girlfriend? Wake up and open your eyes.

 

So you really don't know what he would get from you out of lying? The same thing all cheaters get out of their mistresses. Sex, and no strings. He can leave you anytime he's done using you as a plaything.

 

Rollercoasterr...what I meant was I wanted to believe him all along even though I could see from the begining that too many things didn't add up. I just thought he wouldn't lie. I wasn't happy but still tried to reason with his excuses. But talking to you guys helps me see more that what I suspected was right. It's really no hope to try to trust him and I shouldn't give him longer time to prove it. I didn't mean that I still wanted to believe him after all these talks. Instead I should do something now and forget what I tried to believe before.

 

Maybe I wanted someone to back me up that half of what I thought was right and so I could go on with what I had in mind...that's to stop talking to him, to break it off unless he proves me more. And that's why I said thank you to you guys. Thanks again for the straight forward talks.

[Rollercoasterr]

Sorry if I come off a little harsh sometimes, but I don't believe in sugar-coating things when it comes to love. Anytime you sugar-coat in a situation when you know you shouldn't, bad things are bound to happen.

 

I don't want to see you or anyone else get hurt. I've been hurt plenty of times in my life to know that no one should ever feel that pain.

 

Good luck and do the right thing. You're a sweet girl, you don't need his lies.

[Island Girl]

YES MONKEY PRINCESS!! You are a sweet soul and you deserve BETTER.

 

He is a liar and a slime ball.

 

NOTHING matches up to what he tells you.

 

You really want to believe in someone -- believe in YOURSELF.

Believe that you deserve to be treated like a PRINCESS and do not let anyone treat you like this ever again.

 

We are behind you. We are here if you feel alone.

 

There are plenty of men out there who will appreciate you and your dedication. But you MUST require the same dedication in return.

[Monkey Princess]

Sorry if I come off a little harsh sometimes, but I don't believe in sugar-coating things when it comes to love. Anytime you sugar-coat in a situation when you know you shouldn't, bad things are bound to happen.

 

I don't want to see you or anyone else get hurt. I've been hurt plenty of times in my life to know that no one should ever feel that pain.

 

Good luck and do the right thing. You're a sweet girl, you don't need his lies.

 

 

Thanks.

I wanted to ask something but it didn't show in the reply up there. I think I didn't use the quote thing right. It might sound stupid to you but you did mention sex. To tell you the truth, I haven't been deceived before by any guy. So really, I thought about it before if it's really just sex that he wanted and that he had to call me almost every day, faught with me on the phone, took me on a trip when I got there and paid for everything. He said this's serious relationship. But now I don't really see it is.

 

Anyways, I just got off the phone with him. We broke up. We did. I hope I can move on fast.

[bean1]

Thanks.

I wanted to ask something but it didn't show in the reply up there. I think I didn't use the quote thing right. It might sound stupid to you but you did mention sex. To tell you the truth, I haven't been deceived before by any guy. So really, I thought about it before if it's really just sex that he wanted and that he had to call me almost every day, faught with me on the phone, took me on a trip when I got there and paid for everything. He said this's serious relationship. But now I don't really see it is.

 

Anyways, I just got off the phone with him. We broke up. We did. I hope I can move on fast.

 

Wow, I'm proud of you. Don't ever give your heart to someone who doesn't deserve it. Walk proud and find the man that will treat you like a queen! You will do just fine.

[LDR]

Well done! You are a strong person and you will get over him, and will find someone who deserves you. You will see how right it feels when it happens!

[Bearandsue]

Well done princess. Now all you have to do is stick to it. Delete his numbers, his emails, everything that reminds you of him.

 

I can imagine how hurt you are right now. He really doesnt deserve you and I believe he is either in a relationship or married.

 

What a slime ball!

 

Stay strong and come back here for support when you need it.

[Rollercoasterr]

That's how they usually get you, sweetness. They'll court you, they'll do nice things, and they'll make you feel like you are the whole world to them just so they can keep you around. It's really unfair and hurtful to be the person on the other side of that.

 

I'm glad that you ended it. You didn't need his crap. I know it doesnt sound like much coming from strangers because we aren't the ones feeling like our hearts have been stepped on, but I can assure you that we are ALL here for you if you need us. We're good listeners and even though some of us might be a little testy sometimes, we do care.

 

Now go out, have a drink, and flirt with a really cute guy for no reason at all.