Qs for those who are in long term, happy relationships

[Els]

As I was pondering about my future, I browsed the boards and marvelled how almost everytime anyone posts about a flaw of their SO or anything their SO did that wronged them, there would be at least one person who would immediately recommend breaking up, no questions asked.

 

But yet, I realize that my SO does have flaws; I am not under the delusion that he is perfect. But how do I know whether I'll be able to live with his flaws if we end up marrying? How do I know whether they will magnify and turn into dealbreakers, or I'll get better at dealing with them as I get to know him and myself better? Or perhaps they'll remain merely tolerable, as they are now?

 

So, to aid me in seeking my answers, I ask these questions of people who are in long term relationships (at least over a year, please, preferably more) or married:

 

1. What flaws does your partner have? Which parts of his/her personality cause trouble (or used to) between you two, what things does he do that you would change (if you were omnipotent)?

 

2. How do you deal with them? What made you decide that they weren't dealbreakers, but only a mere annoyance that you could live with? What makes you think that they won't turn into dealbreakers in the future?

[Thaddeus]

I'm not in a long-term relationship right now, but when my first wife and I were married we had a very happy and positive home. (She died, alas...) So I'll answer these in relation to that marriage:

1. What flaws does your partner have? Which parts of his/her personality cause trouble (or used to) between you two, what things does he do that you would change (if you were omnipotent)?

Always late. Takes far, far too long to get her hair ready, her makeup done and all the rest. It got to a point where I'd always say that we were expected 30 minutes before we actually were expected in order for us to show up on time. Drove me bananas.

 

One time - true story - she came downstairs after fussing for ages, announcing, "OK, I'm ready to go now!" I slid off my tie and trudged upstairs. "What are you doing? We have to go!"

 

"Not yet," I responded, "I gotta shave again."

 

Fortunately, she saw the humor in that.

 

I really miss her.

 

2. How do you deal with them? What made you decide that they weren't dealbreakers, but only a mere annoyance that you could live with? What makes you think that they won't turn into dealbreakers in the future?

Like I said, I just managed it in such a way by telling her we had to be there earlier than we did.

[girl68]

 

1. What flaws does your partner have? Which parts of his/her personality cause trouble (or used to) between you two, what things does he do that you would change (if you were omnipotent)?

 

2. How do you deal with them? What made you decide that they weren't dealbreakers, but only a mere annoyance that you could live with? What makes you think that they won't turn into dealbreakers in the future?

 

Wonderful thoughts and questions.

 

I am very happy in a long term relationship, going on 3 years and living together the whole time.

 

No, he's not perfect, but I certainly think we are meant to be together. And I'm perfectly aware that I have my fair share, probably more than my fair share of "faults" and imperfections. Anyways on to the questions.

 

1) Not so much a flaw, but something that causes problems is his habits to stay up late, and sleep in. He could be a normal person and sleep at 12, get up at 10 (if he works at noon-6) but instead he milks the hell out of it and stays up till 4 and wakes up at 1130. He knows I like to sleep with him, yet he'll still do this- regularly. It pisses me off each and every time. (And I don't know what the big fancy word means). This will not change.

 

Porn, I hate him watching, hiding, and keeping from me his porn watching habits. It is often each and every time he is at home alone, for a period of time he will watch. I think that is unecessay. I hate it, and that pisses me off more than all other issues, combined and multiplied by a thousand.

 

2) As for now, they are tolerable becasue I think that the good over weighs the bad. He's a wonderful man, and has compramised on many issues, including the issues I have listed.

 

For the sleeping problem: we will have sex (sometimes yes, that's why I'd like him to join me in bed), or I will pass out on the couch, he'll chill with me until I'm fast asleep then escape to the computer.

 

For the porn problem: after many long fights, I have stated this: no porn is to be watched while I'm home. There are 2 exceptions: one I'm on my period and can't screw him anyways and the other is I'm carrying his child... otherwise you horny you screw your gf not yourself.

 

These are our compramises and for now, I believe it to be enough for me to continue in the relationship and therefore not a dealbreaker.

 

I am not completely confident I will accept these compramises years down the road. I can not predict the future.

 

I do believe that one can not be 100% completely content with absolutely everything their partner does or is. That to me is an impossible absolute. But as stated earlier... the good of "us" is more than enough to have me accept our compramises.

[GorillaTheater]

Married 25 years.

 

My wife has a tendency to get defensive when I bring up something she's doing that's bothering me. I deal with it by prefacing as gently as I can. Or not bring it up at all to begin with.

 

And yeah, like Thad's late wife, mine couldn't be on time to save her life.

 

But the hell with her flaws, just think of what she has to put up with.

[Els]

Thanks for the insight, guys. Omnipotent means all-powerful.

 

So basically the main reason why most of you decided they weren't dealbreakers was because the good outweighed the bad, and the main reason you decided it was okay was because you realized that you had flaws as well?

[girl68]

Thanks for the insight, guys. Omnipotent means all-powerful.

 

So basically the main reason why most of you decided they weren't dealbreakers was because the good outweighed the bad, and the main reason you decided it was okay was because you realized that you had flaws as well?

 

 

LOL basically!

 

I mean as much as I like to think I AM THE BOMB (I am), but I can blow up in a nasty a$$ mess, to cause a huge rucus from time to time. And he's still with me

 

If I could change him... well well well I'm not going to go there

[GorillaTheater]

Thanks for the insight, guys. Omnipotent means all-powerful.

 

So basically the main reason why most of you decided they weren't dealbreakers was because the good outweighed the bad, and the main reason you decided it was okay was because you realized that you had flaws as well?

 

That's not a bad summary, but I'd need to think about it some. The idea of a "dealbreaker" is pretty personal. It could be cumulative or a one-time event. It depends on the spouse's willingness to change behavior that could be dealbreaking. It depends on the level of love, commitment and compatibility (and all three had better be present in large measure for a relationship to last). It depends on whether our expectations are objectively reasonable.

 

And yeah, it takes recognition that we're all human and all have flaws.

[silktricks]

1. What flaws does your partner have? Which parts of his/her personality cause trouble (or used to) between you two, what things does he do that you would change (if you were omnipotent)?

he is always and eternally late - for everything. That drove me crazy as I had a tendency to be early to everything. 30 years later - we've both adapted somewhat he's not continually underestimating how long it will take to get somewhere and I'm no longer worried if we're a few minutes late (except to the symphony where they won't let you in if you aren't on time!)

 

The almost deal breaker for us though was money. He came from a wealthy family, I did not. As far as I was concerned, he spent far too much and saved far too little. We've adapted by having separate accounts. I manage all the bills as I'm neurotic about them.

2. How do you deal with them? What made you decide that they weren't dealbreakers, but only a mere annoyance that you could live with? What makes you think that they won't turn into dealbreakers in the future?

They won't turn into deal breakers because we've wrked through them. How did I decide? I knew his good points and valued them, we had a lot of similarities and he could laugh with me. He didn't judge and I knew that I probably drove him crazy, too.

[sally4sara]

5 years and going

 

1. What flaws does your partner have? Which parts of his/her personality cause trouble (or used to) between you two, what things does he do that you would change (if you were omnipotent)?

 

Because he is a problem solving kind of guy, he has a habit of paying too much attention to the task at hand and not enough to the motivations of the person he is doing it for. He has regretted helping some of the people he has worked for. It drove me up a wall to see him go out of his way for someone who is clearly a slimeball or someone who has no appreciation for his efforts to help them. He would not want to hear me when I would tell him what I saw or heard. Then he would expect me to rag on him about it when he had to realize it on his own and act bratty for the night.

His other bad flaw was little white lie crap to avoid a disagreement.

Oh, and he is loud. He is far more likely to start yelling.

 

2. How do you deal with them? What made you decide that they weren't dealbreakers, but only a mere annoyance that you could live with? What makes you think that they won't turn into dealbreakers in the future?

 

Over time, he just accepted that I'm better at reading people. He has also become better at it himself. Now he asks my opinion on this kind of thing. I guess I dealt with it by giving it time.

We talked about pointless lies and that it takes trust to be trustworthy. Sometimes we just will not agree on something and it doesn't have to be the end of the world but it will be the end of us if we can't expect the truth out of each other.

I just accept that sometimes he is going to admit he lost an argument in the unpleasant manner of last ditch effort yelling.

It's okay, I have flaws too.

 

I don't know they won't turn into deal breakers in the future.

Life is scary like that!

[seibert253]

My wife can be very tempermental and emotional. When she gets angry she will verbalize this immediately often saying things she later regrets.

 

How do I react? I let her blow off her steam, then after she calms down she will always "try and make it right", by coming to me and hugging, kissing, and loving on me. Many times she will verbally say she's sorry, but even when she doesn't the physicalness she shows, is her way of saying she's sorry.

 

When I get angry or upset, I'm the opposite. I clam up and become silent. She recognizes this and leaves me alone. I will then reach out to her. We've been married long enough that we can recognize this in each other.

[Mr. Lucky]

he is always and eternally late - for everything. That drove me crazy as I had a tendency to be early to everything. 30 years later - we've both adapted somewhat he's not continually underestimating how long it will take to get somewhere and I'm no longer worried if we're a few minutes late (except to the symphony where they won't let you in if you aren't on time!)

Ah, my wife too. I joke that if she dies before me, on her deathbed I'll tell her that her 2:00 pm funeral is at 1:30 so she'll be on time. As a chronic earlybird, I've adapted by bringing a book with me so I have something to do until she gets there. She's not going to change so I've had to.

 

I guess I value her "oppositeness" to me. I'm a methodical planner and worrier, she's a free spirit. It would be boring to be married to someone that mirrors my personality and flaws and I've learned to enjoy our differences. Giving your partner the space to be their own unique self - even if it means leading separate lives in some areas - is one key to a lasting relationship...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Stung]

I am not sure you ever do know for sure which flaws will turn into dealbreakers for you and which you will learn to work with/around...this is why I am an advocate for living together before marriage, although I have noticed that is not a popular stance on these boards. I have lived with prior boyfriends and it taught me a LOT about what I could live with/not live with, and how to work through issues. Trial and error. I shudder at the thought that I might have married one of them out of the gate instead of living with them first and learning what I did about them.

 

I have been living with my partner for three years now, together for four. We are getting married in a few months; the first marriage for both of us, although we each have oodles of relationship experience and are in our thirties. We have a baby together and are also co-parenting his child from a previous relationship, so we consider our relationship to be beyond that of bf/gf or even fiances, at this point.

 

We both have flaws. He has a certain blind spot in his perceptions that has been known to drive me a little cuckoo, it's like he's tone deaf to emotional interactions at times and can't always hear me. He's an engineering type, that kind of thing often goes with the territory.The thing is, I have learned that he can't help it, and I know that it isn't that he doesn't care about my feelings because he makes it clear in multiple other ways that he does, so I'm still learning and devising ways to work around it. Because he is definitely worth it.

 

I've been out there and seen the competition, so I know what he brings to the table. My partner has a true and beautiful character, which is rare and worth its weight in gold. He's a good match for me in many ways, in terms of our sexualities, our goals and ideals, our strengths vs. weaknesses. He's a good father (which I fortunately got a chance to know before we had our own child together). And he has proven that he's committed to rolling up his sleeves and working with/around the flaws in me, too.

 

We are still figuring things out, as relationships are always a work in progress...but I feel pretty confident that he's the one I want to keep figuring these things out with, as we grow old together.

[Thornton]

The guy I am dating at present has a tendency to over-think everything and jump to the worst possible conclusions. Like if I don't text all day he assumes I'm angry instead of just busy. He is also excessively tidy and clean, and he's overly hygienic and washes his hands a lot. The excessive hygiene annoys me a little, but I just ignore it and go about my business as normal. When he jumps to conclusions I just tell him he's being silly, and usually he can see that.

 

I also have some significant faults, which I am fully aware of. I am very untidy, perpetually late, I'm a bit of a hypochondriac, I get lost in my own little world, and I have an annoying laugh. My bf says he doesn't mind my untidiness since he's happy to do dishes and laundry etc, and he likes looking after me when I feel under the weather. He tells me it's later than it actually is in order to get me ready on time, and usually he doesn't complain about my lateness. He doesn't even complain about me drifting off with the fairies: he's learned to make sure he definitely has my attention before he says anything important. And he says he likes my annoying laugh, because when I laugh he knows I'm happy.

 

I don't know if these things would end up becoming deal-breakers over time, but these issues don't bother me so much at present and I have no expectation of them becoming deal-breakers. I dunno how he copes with me though, because I couldn't handle a moany person who is perpetually late and laughs like a strangled cat.

[giotto]

1. very reserved... I call her "the fridge".

2. I'm divorcing her...

 

(only joking... )

[HsMomma]

Hi Elswyth,

 

We've been together 11 years, the last 3 of which (as of yesterday:)) we've been married.

 

I believe the everyone has their own "faults", "foibles," "irritating habits," whatever you want to label them...none of us is perfect. Any time you have two people in a relationship, there are going to be things that "bug".

 

Before we married (we didn't live together prior to marriage, as it was a personal choice for me, having at the time we began seeing each other, a 4-year-old daughter), our minister asked us what would be a dealbreaker for us. Both of us have been married before & both of us had spouses who cheated on us. For us, the ONLY dealbreaker was (and remains) infidelity...neither of us has ANY tolerance for it.

 

Other than that one item, anything else life throws at us (and if you look at some of my recent posts, you'll see life has thrown some pretty major sh*t at us recently), we WILL survive. We are friends, we are lovers, we are parents to my daughter (ours, though her father does remain in the picture in her life), but mostly we are partners. What one deals with, we both deal with.

 

As to his annoying traits, well...yeah, there are a couple (he smacks food when he eats, which drives this born & bred Southern Belle insane!)...but would I, if I could, change anything? Nope! He is who he is & who he is is a phenomenal man. I knew who he was when we married & I accept him, flaws & all (and it IS reciprocated).

[Lauriebell82]

 

So, to aid me in seeking my answers, I ask these questions of people who are in long term relationships (at least over a year, please, preferably more) or married:

 

1. What flaws does your partner have? Which parts of his/her personality cause trouble (or used to) between you two, what things does he do that you would change (if you were omnipotent)?

 

2. How do you deal with them? What made you decide that they weren't dealbreakers, but only a mere annoyance that you could live with? What makes you think that they won't turn into dealbreakers in the future?

 

I am engaged, together almost 3 years (living together for 1)

 

1. My fiance can be a bit of a control freak. Not hard core controlling, but he has his little "freak out" moments, mostly about cleaning. We have had some arguments over this issue, as I am very messy and hate cleaning. We have talked about it and we have realized that when he gets upset and all "Gary Poppins" (that's what I call him) it makes me upset, therefore we start debating and arguing over it. We have decided that we will split the chores and do heavy cleaning on the weekend. In the morning he cleans up bc I work early. When I get home I try to keep things neat and not mess up. He sometimes sees that I do and asks me (nicely) to clean up and I automatically go do it. So we have both tried to compromise and understand the other person's behavior.

 

2.I could do without the control freakish behavior sometimes, but I try to just let it roll of my back and compromise, as it is not worth arguing over. I know I have faults, I get real anxious and overreact, and he doesn't like that. So again we have tried to work it out and when he sees that I am getting anxious he talks me down and I am able to calm down. It has helped, I have actually calmed down a lot. We love each other and I know he is a great guy, therefore I deal with his faults because I don't want to be without him.

 

IMO what makes a great relationship/marriage is one in which you are able to sit down and talk about issues that come up and compromise. You also have to let the little things slide without getting extremely pissed off. "Forgive and forget" is sometimes a good moto instead of dwell on fights. No marriage is happy 24/7 therefore you have to learn to take the bad with the good because you love each other.