If a dumper wanted you back, wud they REALLY let you know?

[BCCA]

Change of plans I guess. I agree with you that she only wanted to be friends to feel less guilty about the breakup. I've been trying to initiate contact this last week and its obvious she's not really interested in me anymore. She's polite, but she's not really interested in talking. Pretty sure she thinks I'm trying to get with back with her like you said.

 

Truth be told, you are trying to get back with her. There is really no other reason someone would contact the person who dumped them.

 

Ive also been given the polite brush off before. Thing is, for her - its over, so she doesnt want to talk about anything anymore. She's probably not going to want much to do with you untill one or both of you start dating other people, and she knows you arent going to ask about your relationship.

 

I'm taking this as my cue to let go and go ahead and date other people. It wasn't really that hard of a decision

 

Thats a good start, but you should also take it as your que to stay NC. You made your best efforts, and she wasnt interested.

 

I have decided to reintiate our friendship when I get back though. I realize I'l have to put in most of the effort at first, but she'll come around and open up when she sees I'm not trying to get back with her and I have no ulterior motives.

 

I dont see what the point is. You want to put in most of the effort to re-initiate a friendship with someone who dumped you? Furthermore, you DO have alterior motives. Trust me, I can say this with 100% certainty, when you finally realize that she's never ever going to get back with you, you are not going to want to be her friend at all. Youre kind of looking to take whatever you can get right now, but eventually, when your head clears a bit (this is where NC helps tremendously) you'll realize how pointless and meaningless this friendship would be.

 

Here is my proof that you have alterior motives for this friendship...

 

After that, we'll see where everything goes. I know for a fact she is still very attracted to me physically so there's still a spark somewhere.

 

Where everything goes? Where are you expecting it to go? Seems pretty obvious that just forming this friendship is not your agenda, youre only doing it to win her back.

 

Thats completely counter productive. Your ONLY slim chance at her changing her mind is to stay completely out of her life in all ways, and stay that way until she makes contact with you. If/when this happens, evaluate what she says, and go from there, but being in her life on her terms and accepting a demotion in status are the last things you want to do. That only ensures she sees LESS value in you, because after all, no self respecting person would agree to such an arrangement. People who do end up as friends usually only do so after a very long time, and usually find eachother again randomly.

 

Also, look around - you see beautiful women with ogre looking guys all the time. Women are attracted to much more than looks, so even if she thinks youre a cute guy, she obviously thinks she can do just as good if not better. Shes not calling you for a lay, either. Im just saying, even if you think she still finds you attractive, its obviously not enough.

 

I'm still optimistic things will work themselves out, but its time for me to have some fun.

 

Just focus your mind on moving on and finding someone else. Its really your best bet for finding happiness, regardless of who its with.

[jmason2056]

Truth be told, you are trying to get back with her. There is really no other reason someone would contact the person who dumped them.

 

Ive also been given the polite brush off before. Thing is, for her - its over, so she doesnt want to talk about anything anymore. She's probably not going to want much to do with you untill one or both of you start dating other people, and she knows you arent going to ask about your relationship.

 

 

 

Thats a good start, but you should also take it as your que to stay NC. You made your best efforts, and she wasnt interested.

 

 

 

I dont see what the point is. You want to put in most of the effort to re-initiate a friendship with someone who dumped you? Furthermore, you DO have alterior motives. Trust me, I can say this with 100% certainty, when you finally realize that she's never ever going to get back with you, you are not going to want to be her friend at all. Youre kind of looking to take whatever you can get right now, but eventually, when your head clears a bit (this is where NC helps tremendously) you'll realize how pointless and meaningless this friendship would be.

 

Here is my proof that you have alterior motives for this friendship...

 

 

 

Where everything goes? Where are you expecting it to go? Seems pretty obvious that just forming this friendship is not your agenda, youre only doing it to win her back.

 

Thats completely counter productive. Your ONLY slim chance at her changing her mind is to stay completely out of her life in all ways, and stay that way until she makes contact with you. If/when this happens, evaluate what she says, and go from there, but being in her life on her terms and accepting a demotion in status are the last things you want to do. That only ensures she sees LESS value in you, because after all, no self respecting person would agree to such an arrangement. People who do end up as friends usually only do so after a very long time, and usually find eachother again randomly.

 

Also, look around - you see beautiful women with ogre looking guys all the time. Women are attracted to much more than looks, so even if she thinks youre a cute guy, she obviously thinks she can do just as good if not better. Shes not calling you for a lay, either. Im just saying, even if you think she still finds you attractive, its obviously not enough.

 

 

 

Just focus your mind on moving on and finding someone else. Its really your best bet for finding happiness, regardless of who its with.

 

I agree with everything you said. Yesterday was a bad day and I'd like to have my previous post stricken from the record. I woke up this morning and felt like a complete dumb@ss for thinking that.

[HisLove]

Think of NC as a way to protect yourself from any more hurt. If you don't initiate contact (at least for a good while) then you can't be rejected and suffer the pain and soul destruction that comes with that.

 

Use it as a self-protective mechanism, not as some push-pull game or reverse psychology. Do it for YOU. It will give you strength and dignity. The side benefits are that it will make you proud of yourself and certain, and those are attractive traits in a person.

 

As the dumper myself, if we think we have made a mistake, we will not stop trying to rectify it or make amends - no ifs', and's or but's about it. There have been times (months and months) when I've used NC for myself too. It was to regroup and stop myself falling into hopelessness.

[runner]

Women are notorious bet-hedger's. They usually only bail once theyve officially gotten over you, and at the least have another outlet for getting attention/laid. In almost every situation Ive seen personally, the girl leaves a guy and is either intimate with or dating another guy within a week. Cant blame people for not wanting to dwell, but its a cold reality for some guys hoping for a second chance.

 

some people should go into detention after school and write this on the chalk board fifty times. it might have helped me at one point, too

 

BCCA is spot on, and i'm not just referring to this quote above.

 

kudos.

[Taramere]

I feel certain I didn't "make" my ex leave. I worked hard to give him love, compassion, and encouragement. I adored him and let him know that. I was always willing to work on any problems we had and listen to his side of things. I made a conscious effort not to nag or pick fights. He told me on several occasions that I treated him better than any of his girlfriends ever had. But that didn't stop him from waking up one day and giving me a lame excuse and walking out the door never to be seen again. He knew without a doubt that I was open to discussing any issues in a rational and loving manner.

 

It's possible that he chose to regard the two of you as incompatible -even if you perceived many reasons for the two of you to work out together well, in the long term. If that's how he elected to see things "she's a great girl, but we're not compatible" then no amount of Perfect Girlfriending on your part would change that.

 

I think I remember you from a while back, Sedgewick. From what I recall, you're a very talented woman who has had a book she wrote published. He's a struggling musician with a penchant for folksy women who play the fiddle and let their body hair grow wild and free. Is that the same guy? If so, the fact that you weren't really his type doesn't seem like something you need to lose sleep over. The guy I recall you posting about seemed to have a pretty specific and narrow definition of "ideal girlfriend" - which the majority of women might not be too interested in slotting into.

 

The world is not completely insane. There are men out there who will respond far less negatively to your talent, your attention to grooming matters and the investment you're prepared to put in to making a relationship with them work out. They're probably just waiting for you to get over Mr Fiddle-me-happy.

[BCCA]

I agree with everything you said. Yesterday was a bad day and I'd like to have my previous post stricken from the record. I woke up this morning and felt like a complete dumb@ss for thinking that.

 

Listen, youre not dumb at all, youre perfectly normal. Your thoughts, rationalizations, and feelins are ALL pefectly normal for someone suffering from a lost love. I felt the EXACT same way, thats why I mentioned my posts from about a year ago. After a while, it all kind of makes sense, but initially, youre too flustered with emotions to think straight.

 

Dont feel dumb, feel happy that you're on the road to recovery. No one is perfect, but realizing your mistakes is what allows you to grow.

[darknightie]

The idea behind NC is to heal - every time you speak to an ex, its resetting the "heal" button on your heart and you are back at square one. Them missing you is your only real "hope" of getting back together, and in the mean time you will be working on yourself. Sometimes, when they come back, you dont even want them anymore. You are clouded by emotion when you are involved with someone. Objective point of view is gained by taking steps away and seeing the whole picture (ie: NC).

 

Also, NC allows them to wonder about you. Mystery is a funny thing, and if you know how to do it, can work favorably in your life.

 

Finally: if the dumper does decide s/he wants him/her back, they will say so. I know, because I am there. I have been on both sides of this fence, and NC actually DID get them to come back to me. However I wasnt interested by then.

[selena_cat]

Psychological behavior isn't an exact science but there are general patterns in relationships that can be categorized similarly. You are quite correct here.

 

 

 

Yup. Doesn't always happen in the same exact way but ultimately the results are the same.

 

 

 

He hasn't graduated from the "School of Hard Knocks" yet so, like many people in his position, he is going to have to learn the hard way first. People want to hang on to hope when there is little to no sign of hope anywhere, expecting their situation to unique and different from everyone else's. We know that's never the case but he'll have to learn it on his own.

 

Admittedly, it's very hard to take advice when your heart is making decisions your brain really should be making. It takes a lot of self-respect and discipline to listen to and HEED the advice and experience of others.

 

 

 

Right. This is called a WIN/LOSE situation. She WINS because she relieves her guilt ("Oh he's my friend so I don't have to feel guilty!") and he loses because he's being fed breadcrumbs thinking there is some hope of reconciliation. He needs to turn this into a win/win situation and that can only be accomplished through NO CONTACT. With NC, she wins because she gets to miss him and WONDER what he is up to and how he is doing (instead of him being her "buddy" and never letting her wonder) and he win because he gets time and space away from her to get his life back in order and rebuild his confidence and self-esteem.

 

 

 

I'm not sure of the exact odds but I would say that if you break up and reconcile within 6 months the odds are pretty good. After 6 months the odds of a reconciliation are very, very slim. However, I do think that with a lot of time apart (more than a year) and people growing and maturing there COULD be a chance the reconciliation would work if the problems that caused the breakup in the first place are resolved.

 

 

 

Amen to this one. Women start pulling away from a man long before they actually do the "deed" and normally have someone lined up. The pulling-away (red flags) help them emotionally detach so they a) are able to break things off cleanly and b) open to meeting someone new. In fact, the sooner they meet someone the faster the detachment happens. They need someone to fill the void (loneliness). Men do this too but it's usually spur of the moment and ends up as a cheating situation.

 

The sooner one accepts that the reationship is truly over the sooner the healing begins and a NEW relationship can start.

 

Now i know Cali guy and BCCA u don't mean all women do this pull away after i've been cryin on your shoulder's aboutthis mess, but Kudo's to your responses,its speaks nothing but the truth when it comes to reconciliation.

[georgia girl]

I agree that someone has to really make the effort to win you back. It's not just about him anymore, but me, too. First, I know my ex and it's exactly like you said, if he has to work for it, he'll value it. I think it was easy for him to break up with me because I don't think he really thought it would be over. I think he thought he could just "take a break" from being committed to me and he could revisit the decision again later. Since I know he wasn't/isn't dating anyone else, I also know in his mind that he's thinking, "I haven't done anything that would cross the line with her. If I want to get back together with her, she'd probably do it." That's why no contact as a method of setting boundaries is good for him. Now, he will eventually get it (the man still texts/emails) that this isn't a swinging door.

 

On the other hand, no contact was also good for me. When I was still in contact with him after we initially broke up, I broke all of the rules. I never texted/called first, but I always responded and I was always upbeat and cheerful, easily agreeing to everything he wanted (except sex). I also kept to the "friends" line, which made it so easy for him to move in. In the meantime, I started living for those phone calls and texts. I shut myself down into my grief when he wasn't around and just came alive when he was. When I realized what this was doing to me, I went hard core no contact. If I couldn't find a way to be happy by myself, I wasn't going to let him anywhere near me.

 

I'm happy to say that I'm learning to be happy by myself. I still wish he would come back and say all of the right things, but I think I'd be very cautious at the same time. I know I wouldn't accept less than what I deserve this time - and I would have before no contact. I also know that I would be willing to walk away a second time because I know I can survive. Therefore, if he did come back, we would be meeting as equals, I think. Anything else just wouldn't work for me.

 

As for the idea that they are tentatively reaching out to see what kind of response they get? I say that the response they get is measured against the gesture they lead with. It's just not enough for me. I'm not being mean but he does know me. He knows that I would never be deliberately mean (we didn't even say mean things when we broke up with each other). Therefore, he knows that I may say no, but I would be kind. That's not too intimidating, I don't think.

[smookie]

I have to say this is one of the best posts I have read in years on here!!!

[love_confusion]

I broke up with my boyfriend and realized I made a huge mistake with just ending things before I talked to him about what was bothering me. I realized that about 6 hrs after the whole thing took place. And, yes, I let him know that I made a mistake and wanted to try and work things out with him. He was really the first guy I fell in love with and I haven't been the same since I met him. He didn't want me in his life, which was understandable, and I probably should've just let him be. However, I knew if I didn't try to fix things, I'd end up regretting that just as much as breaking up with him.

 

So, for several months, I told him I was sorry for what I did and how immature I was for handling things the way I did. He didn't care. Finally, after several months of hardly any communication on his part, he came around. Sad to say, our second chance together really isn't working. He knows I want to be with him, but he will not tell me whether he ever wants to get back together with me. He's basically left me hanging...and I'm still there. I guess his not telling me is my answer and I can't force him to take me back, but for some reason I need to hear it from him.

 

Based on my experience, if someone really wants you back, they will let you know. Nothing will stop them from trying...nothing stopped me. I was just reading through some of the e-mails I sent him the other day and I practically cringe at what I wrote. Honestly, if someone did that to me I probably would've been completely turned off. However, knowing that I tried makes me feel a tiny bit better about everything.

[CaliGuy]

Based on my experience, if someone really wants you back, they will let you know. Nothing will stop them from trying...nothing stopped me. I was just reading through some of the e-mails I sent him the other day and I practically cringe at what I wrote. Honestly, if someone did that to me I probably would've been completely turned off. However, knowing that I tried makes me feel a tiny bit better about everything.

 

See, this is why I am so adamant about NC. I've said it a million times, that if someone REALLY wants to be with you, nothing -- neither hell nor high water -- will stop them from finding you.

 

NC is a WIN/WIN situation for YOU.

1. If they track you down and you want them back, WIN.

2. If they never track you down or contact you, WIN -- because you'll heal faster and move on to a BETTER relationship.

 

CONTACT is a LOSE/LOSE situation. They win, you lose.

1. They gain contant validation from you at the expense of your self-esteem, LOSS.

2. You heal much slower than you should have and miss out on many NEW opportunities, LOSS.

 

If there has ever been a greater reason to stick to NC, I can't think of any...

[SCooke]

This is a fantastic thread. It's basically the convo that goes on between my heart and head on a daily basis. My brain knows that there is very little chance that me and my ex will ever get back together (been apart 7 months), but my heart just keeps hoping. I know I'm wrong and it's stupid, but I just can't stop that thought. It seems like I'm reaching to find small clues here and there to convince myself that there's still a chance. people say that hope is a beautiful thing, but right now, I beg to differ, it seems pretty cruel to me. NC is the way to go. I recently contacted my ex to wish her happy bday and she wrote back saying that she cares about me and wants to "keep in touch.". I tried to spin that so many ways, thought about it for so long and tried to convince myself that its her way of reaching out and wanting to get back. But the reality is it's just a nice thing to say before you end an email, nothing else. She prob thought about that for a second...Stupid, stay NC until you're completely over the other person. then, whatever, you might not care what happens either way.

[screwedup&regretful]

I am a regretful dumper and I did try for about 4 weeks to let me ex know how stupid and regretful I was and that I wanted her back and wanted us back together. It was very soon after the breakup (which I did in a very cowardly way by mail) that I knew I had made a HUGE mistake and my ex wanted nothing to do with my apologies or my explanations.

 

She insisted that I not be in contact with her, and, aside from 1 attempted phone call 4 months ago, I have obliged her request. We have run into one another once in public and she bolted the other direction without us having any words.

 

I STILL want her back and know how much of a mistake I made, but her having NC with me tells me that she does not want us back together, at least not anytime soon.

 

If she ever heals from the hurt I caused and how I handled things and is able to see me as the person I am and not as the mistake I made, then there is a chance, but that is WAY far out of my control.

 

I would say, though, that if she even so much as gave me a phone call and said "hey, I was thinking about you" or "wondering how you're doing", then she would absolutely get me back if she wanted me back.

 

So....from that vantage point, I am saying to dumpee's who go No Contact but still want their ex back that they need to consider having an open door to communication, even if it is just a little bit ajar.

 

I can absolutely say that, even after all of this time, I know that she is the most incredible person I ever loved and would do just about ANYTHING for her to give me another chance. The lessons I have learned have totally shown me the error of my ways.

 

Right now, what I have is a whole lot of amazing memories and a lesson in my life that has changed my entire outlook on love, relationships and on holding on to wonderful things that come into your life.

 

If you are the dumpee and your ex contacts you and WANT to give it another try and feel that the relationship is worth it and could work, DON'T stick to No Contact. You could be missing out on a chance...the same chance that I have been hoping would come my way for the past 7.5 months.

[CaliGuy]

If you are the dumpee and your ex contacts you and WANT to give it another try and feel that the relationship is worth it and could work, DON'T stick to No Contact. You could be missing out on a chance...the same chance that I have been hoping would come my way for the past 7.5 months.

 

 

Not unless they're beating down your door. Otherwise, an adamant NO! Sticking to NC allows you to heal and them to miss you. If they REALLY want you back -- they will make it clear.

 

No beating around the bush.

No minor chit chat about nothing.

No crumbs.

No fishing lines.

 

It will be a full frontal assault. Trust me.

[love_confusion]

It will be a full frontal assault. Trust me.

 

Very true! My quest for a second chance over the past several months has been anything but subtle. I'm at the point where I'm thinking about giving up, though. I can't keep going on in life not knowing if he'll ever take me back. If he's not going to take me back, why won't he just tell me that it's never going to happen? He doesn't even tell me to leave him alone. In fact, whenever I do hint at the fact that I won't be chasing him anymore, he finds dumb reasons to talk to me. I had another opportunity to date someone else and turned down that person because I thought my ex was going to get back together with me. So, I asked him for the 100th time if it was ever going to happen and he simply won't give me an answer. We talk frequently, but I can't force him to answer me if he doesn't want to. I broke up with him, so I have only myself to balme for this situation. Maybe it is time to throw in the towel.

[CaliGuy]

Very true! My quest for a second chance over the past several months has been anything but subtle. I'm at the point where I'm thinking about giving up, though. I can't keep going on in life not knowing if he'll ever take me back. If he's not going to take me back, why won't he just tell me that it's never going to happen? He doesn't even tell me to leave him alone. In fact, whenever I do hint at the fact that I won't be chasing him anymore, he finds dumb reasons to talk to me. I had another opportunity to date someone else and turned down that person because I thought my ex was going to get back together with me. So, I asked him for the 100th time if it was ever going to happen and he simply won't give me an answer. We talk frequently, but I can't force him to answer me if he doesn't want to. I broke up with him, so I have only myself to balme for this situation. Maybe it is time to throw in the towel.

 

Now that he knows you want him, he's gaining validation each time you contact him. You made a full "frontal assault" and he decided he either wasn't ready or willing to accept.

 

At that point you say "I'm done" and you move on with your life. You're torturing yourself with "wondering" if he will change his mind. Actions speak much louder than words ever can. He hasn't changed his mind and at this point I don't think he will.

 

Move on to someone new a better for YOU Give someone else a chance. Your ex is hurt and well, sometimes all they want is a boost to their self esteem. To know they are worthy. And you've done that 10 fold.

 

Now I say "Leave him be." No more contact.

[caramel c]

What a great thread. I registered just now because of this thread. Carry on.

[Soul Bear]

Yeah its true. They would let you know.

Its only that shred of hope that keeps people from sticking to NC unless it's made CRYSTAL CLEAR why they are contacting you...i.e roconciliation and those magic words you wanted to hear for so long.

 

CG- im loving my NC 2 months now

[love_confusion]

Now that he knows you want him, he's gaining validation each time you contact him. You made a full "frontal assault" and he decided he either wasn't ready or willing to accept.

 

At that point you say "I'm done" and you move on with your life. You're torturing yourself with "wondering" if he will change his mind. Actions speak much louder than words ever can. He hasn't changed his mind and at this point I don't think he will.

 

Move on to someone new a better for YOU Give someone else a chance. Your ex is hurt and well, sometimes all they want is a boost to their self esteem. To know they are worthy. And you've done that 10 fold.

 

Now I say "Leave him be." No more contact.

 

I think you're right. He knows I want him back and if he decides to take me back, he knows where to find me. However, by the time he makes his mind up, it might be a little too late. He can't have me waiting off to the side forever. It'll be difficult to let go, but hopefully each day should get a little better.

[angel09]

Yes because I did. I broke off with my boyfriend thinking I wouldn't miss him and it would be easy to get over him. We argued a lot. Well surprise, surprise, I really did miss him in every way possible. It hurt so much and I shed tears. Therefore, I wrote to him and told him exactly how I felt. He was surprised too because he thought I wasn't that bothered.

 

He came round to see me a couple of times. We sat and talk about general things at first then on his second visit, we talked about getting back together. We agreed to take it easy and I know I will give this relationship everything I have. I don't believe in couples who regularly split up and get back together, I think once is enough!

 

Don't play games if you want your ex back, just lay it on the line and tell them how you feel. If it works - excellent but if it doesn't, at least you've tried. Life is too short for regrets. Good luck to those who want their exes back.

[SRTtoZ]

NC Is NOT a way to get a girlfriend back. If you effed up in a relationship and you got dumbed, you NEED to change your ways. We all werent born perfect...we were all raised differently...there are many things we could do to change ourselves if for the right reasons. The only way to get an ex gf back is to better yourself and show them that you bettered yourself. You cant just say "ill change OMG i love you", you need to show and that starts with NC...getting your head on straight and getting a reality check to see what went wrong. Change what you did and your actions whether its for HER or for the next girl you meet. I was one of these guys who was very clingy and let myself go during my relationship...and that did nothing but push her away. I now realize this and im doing everything I can to change it. If my ex sees it and wants me back one day, great...if not, I'll be a better boyfriend for my next girlfriend. THAT is a win/win.

 

NC is for the weak who cant get past their ex's. Grow some *cough* balls* and/or confidence.

 

EDIT: ANgel09!! Perfect quote...

 

"Don't play games if you want your ex back, just lay it on the line and tell them how you feel. If it works - excellent but if it doesn't, at least you've tried. Life is too short for regrets. Good luck to those who want their exes back. "

 

You need to take risks in life. If you can deal with the rejection then do it...but why wouldnt you at least try!! Even when meeting someone new ANYWHERE in life, you have to prepare to be rejected.

[Soul Bear]

NC is not for the weak... it takes balls to do NC, and a lot of hard work. I resent your statement about that.

[SRTtoZ]

I understand what you're saying but what I really meant was it takes more balls to actually take the plunge and break NC and talk to them without beggin, pleading etc. Work things out like adults...If its no then at least you can say you've tried. If you just go NC and never ever ever ever try something again, what have you risked? nothing. Did you really want them back that bad to begin with? EXACTLY.

[ATR]

SRToZ i disagree. What is the point of making yourself look pathetic, by laying it all out on the line, to someone who isnt interested in you anymore. It could even cause the healing process to take even longer as your self esteem will be even more damaged. They broke up with you so anything you do will seem needy and pathetic to them - just let go, leave them be and move on.

 

NC really is the only and best way to go.