If a dumper wanted you back, wud they REALLY let you know?

[NopeNah]

SRToZ i disagree. What is the point of making yourself look pathetic, by laying it all out on the line, to someone who isnt interested in you anymore. It could even cause the healing process to take even longer as your self esteem will be even more damaged. They broke up with you so anything you do will seem needy and pathetic to them - just let go, leave them be and move on.

 

NC really is the only and best way to go.

Exactly! My ex did come back to try again after NC. This lasted about 12 days before she said "it doesn't feel the same". Thats because she left our relationship in her mind long before doing it physicaly. Once the fires gone it's gone. I also wasn't "feeling" it this time myself..they and we are ex's for a reason. that reason will always be there!

[Beeotch]

OK, this is just something that has been nagging me. I am interested in people's opinions without being sure myself but...

 

...I have heard a lot of advice on this forum and the advice is brilliant, generally. However, I have read advice from people on so many occasions that says that if the dumper wants you back, they will do anything to tell you and try to get you back. This seems to be accepted wisdom and I think I would like to challenge it.

 

Imagine, you are in NC (I'm trying to be but my ex keeps contacting, mainly about the flat we shared together). We are told that the NC is for us to heal, and unless the dumper says "I made a mistake, I want you back" we should ignore them.

 

However, the situation is fraught and full of uncertainty. Uncertainty that the dumper too must surely be feeling.

 

Imagine again, the dumper feels guilty, maybe they made a mistake in dumping you. YOU, on the other hand, have disappeared off the face of the earth. They feel like you are angry with them and they feel that it is TOO LATE. Why would they contact you if they felt like this.

 

A dumped person may want their ex back MORE THAN ANYTHING, but are going NC and biting their tongue and trying really hard to not let their ex know. Could not the same happen to the dumper?

 

Also, people leave other people for loads of reasons. The spark has gone, they have found someone new. Fair enough, my point doesnt work in these instances.

 

But other relationship break downs maybe more vague.

 

Total NC advocates say that NC is to heal and MAYBE to get an ex back (certainly the best chance). But a dumper who has made a mistake or has second thoughts would surely feel that there is no way back when faced with NC from the dumped.

 

I probably could have written this in half as many words but I think I got my point across! Ha!

 

Interested in anyone's thoughts.

 

I often think about this too...

 

That in a perfect world or the logical thing is if you are the dumper then it is your responsibility to make things right...

 

But then I think...life is NOT perfect, and sometimes, in fact many times...the logical thing is not the thing done.

 

I suppose it boils down to: SOMEONE making the 1st move or no one ever does and both go to their graves wanting that other person and neither of them ever knowing...

[Trialbyfire]

taucher, do what feels right for you. I'm not a stick to it until you die, advocate of NC. I do strongly believe in it, though.

 

I think NC is marvelous for the first 3 or 4 months, to strengthen yourself. After that, when people have their feet under them, if they break NC, the greatest percentage of time, contact with their exes makes them glad they went NC in the first place. It's like a reality check of WTF was I thinking, to break NC?

 

Unless both parties are willing and able to put their 50% of energy, back into the relationship, including adding 100% commitment to changing what didn't work the last time, second chances are usually a bust. BTDT, won't do it again. An ex is an ex for good reason.

 

An uncommitted ex who comes back, is a recipe for disaster.

[Beeotch]

I understand that, but if someone has already burned you once, dont you think you should be a LITTLE more leery the second time around? The point is that you make it harder, not impossible, to come back so as to weed out half hearted attempts. This way, even though you could very well be burned again, you at least know they made an effort for you.

 

 

 

 

Come on now, you know as well as I do, whoever dumped the other person is in the high seat. They walked away from YOU, your thought about their worth is irrelevant. YOU are not worth the effort any longer, all you can do by staying in touch with them is further prove them right by allowing yourself to be socially demoted, from bf/gf to friend, and even at that - you'll hardly get a friendship.

 

Here is pretty much all you need to know about value, if you got dumped - you dont have a lot to the person who dumped you. People dont dump people they see as a great partner or someone they want to make an effort for. They best thing to do is walk away when someone says you arent what theyre looking for, its the only way to keep your dignity and not settle for second best. Staying in touch accomplishes nothing.

 

NOTHING you can say to someone who dumped you is going to help at all.

 

I think the last section is sort of narrow minded...in that you are not taking into account the VARIOUS reasons for break ups. Which do not always include you simply being wrong for this person. That is not why my ex and I broke up....

 

Not all break ups are because of character flaws or them not thinking you are good enough etc. But some are actually based on circumstances or outside issues or that individual's personal issues that are not making a relationship possible etc.

 

I just thought I'd add that perspective because how you were viewing it was very one dimensional as if there are not other reasons.

 

Which is what also determines reconciliation. It is not to say that if you broke up for the reasons I added, that means you're going to get back together. Chances are you might not as lots of times what happens during the break also affects a reconciliation. You might have genuinely been on a break or some such and then during the break you realized you didnt ant to be together, or you found someone else etc. However, it is more likely that if the person broke up with you not because of who you are, but because of circumstance or things they have to deal with...then if those things change a reconciliation is likely.

[CaliGuy]

However, it is more likely that if the person broke up with you not because of who you are, but because of circumstance or things they have to deal with...then if those things change a reconciliation is likely.

 

That's kind of a chicken-bleep way of dealing with life in general, isn't it?

 

"Let's break up because my circumstances right now aren't good and I can't handle life and a relationship at the same time...". If someone said that to me then they would NEVER get a second chance.

 

I can understand breaking up due to distance. That's not really a relationship IMHO. But I can't really think of any circumstances or things you'd have to deal with that would dictate breaking up with someone you love. On the contrary, situations or circumstances where you are under extreme pressure are those in which your significant other can/should play a very supportive role.

 

I think if you truly love someone and want to be with them you CHANGE the circumstances to be with them instead of taking the "easy" road out. If you're chasing a dream (career, etc) and you can't bring the one you love, are you really love?

 

My guess: Not.

[borbiusle]

That's kind of a chicken-bleep way of dealing with life in general, isn't it?

 

"Let's break up because my circumstances right now aren't good and I can't handle life and a relationship at the same time...". If someone said that to me then they would NEVER get a second chance.

 

I can understand breaking up due to distance. That's not really a relationship IMHO. But I can't really think of any circumstances or things you'd have to deal with that would dictate breaking up with someone you love. On the contrary, situations or circumstances where you are under extreme pressure are those in which your significant other can/should play a very supportive role.

 

I think if you truly love someone and want to be with them you CHANGE the circumstances to be with them instead of taking the "easy" road out. If you're chasing a dream (career, etc) and you can't bring the one you love, are you really love?

 

My guess: Not.

 

Hmmm, that's the conclusion I also came to with my ex-girlfriend. Her dad has been dying of cancer for the past 5 years. For the 6 months we dated, whenever it bothered her, and she would always come to me to talk about it. Then one day, out of nowhere, she calls me crying about her situation and "being confused". The next day, I visit her, she gives me the "lets just be friends" line, and kind of just leaves me hanging, hardly a peep from her again besides lame "Hi, what's up?" txt messages which I don't respond to.

 

Her situation is brutal but ultimately, I feel she threw that out there as a really good excuse to dump me, despite me being there for her most bothersome troubles and issues during the relationship .

[Lisalisa2]

what if the one who left is trying to keep in contact. Is discovering how things might have been from the other's perspective and is apologising....but is seeing someone else. Is it just them easing their guilt?

[Beeotch]

That's kind of a chicken-bleep way of dealing with life in general, isn't it?

 

"Let's break up because my circumstances right now aren't good and I can't handle life and a relationship at the same time...". If someone said that to me then they would NEVER get a second chance.

 

I can understand breaking up due to distance. That's not really a relationship IMHO. But I can't really think of any circumstances or things you'd have to deal with that would dictate breaking up with someone you love. On the contrary, situations or circumstances where you are under extreme pressure are those in which your significant other can/should play a very supportive role.

 

I think if you truly love someone and want to be with them you CHANGE the circumstances to be with them instead of taking the "easy" road out. If you're chasing a dream (career, etc) and you can't bring the one you love, are you really love?

 

My guess: Not.

 

That would make sense if everyone was emotionally mature, emotionally intelligent, didn't have issues,were always rational/logical etc.

 

But from my experience...people aren't always like that.

 

All types of people fall inlove and unfortunately that means that not everyone does the seemingly logical thing, some of these people are not good at handling stress, are not good at communicating, have issues of avoidance and commitment and things of that nature that makes them act in contrary ways.

 

That is one issue I have: people putting up this perfect view of life when in reality it doesn't work like that.

 

If you are qualified for a job it would make sense you would get it right? No...not necessarily.

 

If you care about your grades in school you will always do your homework right? No not really.

 

If alcoholism runs in your family you would stay away from drinks right? No not true.

 

There are lots of ought-to, what should-be, what seems sensible then there is reality.

 

I think it is very absurd to believe that if someone loves you they will somehow always know the right things to do and say etc. That is not true. We do the best we can with what we have. Which is why compassion, understanding and forgiveness are necessary. If one has the belief that if someone loves you they will ALWAYS do the right thing...lets just all not get into relationships, because that will never happen.

 

I feel such assertions are coming from an unrealistic fairy-tale place...that does not exist.

 

Love is not about never having to say sorry...it is about saying sorry, because people WILL mess up.

 

Some of us are better at emotions, stress, communicating, showing love than other people are. That's a fact. People do not always act in ways that are logical...which is why psychology, therapy etc exist to understand and uncover behavior that seems illogical.

 

In many instances it is apparent this person does not love you or care etc but I am just saying that you sometimes try to present this absolute view when in reality there are no absolutes. And in some instances what people present on the outside, how they act and what seems to be the case is not the case and we have all done it on some scale or other. I do not always say what I mean and act how it seems I should act...and especially when dealing with someone else who is a different person from you and who interprets actions/words differently and has different expectations and understandings of certain things, my behavior, words etc are not going to always reflect what I want them to reflect based on who is looking...and sometimes I myself have to wonder why did I just do xyz?

 

So for me...a bit of understanding is essential and yes we should take some things at face value but with humans not everything can be taken at face value...and I think that should be atleast acknowledged as a possibility instead of some of these absolute "laws of life" people often present here as immutable and infallible.

[Girlygirl1977]

That would make sense if everyone was emotionally mature, emotionally intelligent, didn't have issues,were always rational/logical etc.

 

But from my experience...people aren't always like that.

 

All types of people fall inlove and unfortunately that means that not everyone does the seemingly logical thing, some of these people are not good at handling stress, are not good at communicating, have issues of avoidance and commitment and things of that nature that makes them act in contrary ways.

 

That is one issue I have: people putting up this perfect view of life when in reality it doesn't work like that.

 

If you are qualified for a job it would make sense you would get it right? No...not necessarily.

 

If you care about your grades in school you will always do your homework right? No not really.

 

If alcoholism runs in your family you would stay away from drinks right? No not true.

 

There are lots of ought-to, what should-be, what seems sensible then there is reality.

 

I think it is very absurd to believe that if someone loves you they will somehow always know the right things to do and say etc. That is not true. We do the best we can with what we have. Which is why compassion, understanding and forgiveness are necessary. If one has the belief that if someone loves you they will ALWAYS do the right thing...lets just all not get into relationships, because that will never happen.

 

I feel such assertions are coming from an unrealistic fairy-tale place...that does not exist.

 

Love is not about never having to say sorry...it is about saying sorry, because people WILL mess up.

 

Some of us are better at emotions, stress, communicating, showing love than other people are. That's a fact. People do not always act in ways that are logical...which is why psychology, therapy etc exist to understand and uncover behavior that seems illogical.

 

In many instances it is apparent this person does not love you or care etc but I am just saying that you sometimes try to present this absolute view when in reality there are no absolutes. And in some instances what people present on the outside, how they act and what seems to be the case is not the case and we have all done it on some scale or other. I do not always say what I mean and act how it seems I should act...and especially when dealing with someone else who is a different person from you and who interprets actions/words differently and has different expectations and understandings of certain things, my behavior, words etc are not going to always reflect what I want them to reflect based on who is looking...and sometimes I myself have to wonder why did I just do xyz?

 

So for me...a bit of understanding is essential and yes we should take some things at face value but with humans not everything can be taken at face value...and I think that should be atleast acknowledged as a possibility instead of some of these absolute "laws of life" people often present here as immutable and infallible.

 

Well said and agreed.

[ab30]

I think this is a valid point. It's far too easy on these forums to comfort the dumped party and make villans out of the dumpers. Not everything in life is clean cut or black and white.

 

We are all human and we all make mistakes. We can all be victims of circumstances and being unable to rationalise a given situation. We over react, panic, and can't see the wood for the trees. I'm sure there are plenty of situations when the dumper has bolted only to regret it later. Does that make them a bad person? or does it just make them as human as the rest of us?

 

As hard as we find it to try and find the best way to 'win them back', they may also be going through the same situation. Is it so wrong for them to not be this brave, valliant soul who moves heaven and hell to beg for your forgiveness? Is it wrong to read between the lines of their messages and perhaps see that they are saying one thing but meaning another? (only you would know this as the person who knows what they are like) Would it do any harm to try and encourage them to take more steps forward without going OTT?

 

Couples break up, there's never any guarentees but should all relationships be deemed a disaster because you split at some point?

[Beeotch]

I think this is a valid point. It's far too easy on these forums to comfort the dumped party and make villans out of the dumpers. Not everything in life is clean cut or black and white.

 

We are all human and we all make mistakes. We can all be victims of circumstances and being unable to rationalise a given situation. We over react, panic, and can't see the wood for the trees. I'm sure there are plenty of situations when the dumper has bolted only to regret it later. Does that make them a bad person? or does it just make them as human as the rest of us?

 

As hard as we find it to try and find the best way to 'win them back', they may also be going through the same situation. Is it so wrong for them to not be this brave, valliant soul who moves heaven and hell to beg for your forgiveness? Is it wrong to read between the lines of their messages and perhaps see that they are saying one thing but meaning another? (only you would know this as the person who knows what they are like) Would it do any harm to try and encourage them to take more steps forward without going OTT?

 

Couples break up, there's never any guarentees but should all relationships be deemed a disaster because you split at some point?

 

 

Precisely...

 

In truth dumpers and dumpees are not two different breeds of people. The roles change throughout life.

 

Sometimes we will be the dumper and sometimes we will be the dumpee...but we are still who we are.

 

On the forums sometimes people make the dumper seem like it is a personality or character in and of itself and that only certain people in life are dumpers and they are villains and they should have done this that and the 3rd. And it is absurd really. I think it comes from a place of hurt and it makes you feel better to demonize these people, but unfortunately we too could be placed in that position where we have to break someone's heart...would we be any different? What would our ex's say about us? What judgment call would people on LS make about us?

 

As I get farther away from the break up I KNOW I am healing and I have learned a lot because I can see my ex as a person with flaws and all but a human who did what he knew how. He has different flaws than I do and I am stronger than he is in many ways....but no more righteous and perfect. I may not have made the same mistakes he made but who knows the ones I will make in the future?

 

All we can do is try to understand and exercise patience and compassion and not these stringent black and white standards that in truth are fallacious and at best hypocritical...as put under the same microscope we would probably fare no better.

[Lisalisa2]

what if the one who left is trying to keep in contact. Is discovering how things might have been from the other's perspective and is apologising....but is seeing someone else. Is it just them easing their guilt?

 

 

what do you think? anyone?

[bluestraps]

I have experence in this. If you know that your EX does not have a new boy/girlfriend the whole thing may be easier to fix .The NC rule should work for a while but how long is too long , a week, ... two weeks. If there is a new person involved it gets complicated. You must feel out the situation . They say stay away so they can miss you , they may want to see how you are doing only if they think you are hurting. For instance my breakup happened two weeks ago and ive heard nothing ,And thats becausesomeone else is in the picture, but it may not last ( rebound relationship). I think you need to do some proding of the other person alittle. Dont beg, dont cry, dont threaten. but use your rational thought to state your case. If another person is involved prod and see if the other person has serious intentions towards them

[4givrnt4gtr]

I was going thru this thread and I am appaled at the generalizations regarding women....good god!

 

99% of women who break up have someone on the wings??? really? does that make me the 1%??? Cuz i broke up with my last two boyfriends and I definitely did not have anyone waiting on the wings.

 

Women who break up with you dont care for you at all and if they wanted to be with you they would be??? Not always. I love loooovee my ex. I do. But i cannot be with him. I cant be with him because he needs to get his head straight. He was putting everything EVERYTHING before us, and as much as I talked to him about this, he didnt budge. I couldnt ask him to put me before his school and work, and he didnt want to make the time necessary for us, yet he didnt want me to go. Something had to give. I knew that staying with him, hanging on to a thread of....well nothing really, was gonna do nothing. He needs to face life the way it is and make a decision about whether life without me is good. If it is, then good, if not then we need to make some changes. But by sticking onto an ailing relationship he wouldnt be able to see whats what. Thats why i ended it.

 

Now...will i make contact with him??? again, this is where every relationship is different REGARDLESS of how we are wired as humans.

Given that although I ended the relationship, it was failing because of his lack of commitment, I fully expect him to make a move. Many moves in fact, if he wants to win me back ever. (take heed if you're in this situation)

 

I have been in contact with him here and there..however I realized I have to go NC, not because I want him back and want him to realize what is life without me but also because I need my own time and space.

 

So there you go. Not everyone fits a mold neatly....I know you guys are holding on firmly to those absolute thoughts because its easier to move on that way. (same as the whole he's just not that into you for girls....i must say I LOVE that movie....its such a great "move on please!!" movie). Either way, if you choose to go the "forget you!" and move on, go for it. But dont place all of us in one category cuz thats just not true

[001bh]

Interesting. I was in a similar situation with my ex. She was always putting herself and her school work before me. Not that I wasn't busy myself but I tried so hard to hang on to the thread that I had and eventually she cut the thread instead. I've never felt this kind of emotional torment in my life but I suppose I was weak and perhaps should have been the one to make the break first. Lot's of empty promises, her constant always tired state. I still got the "let's be friends part." and am not sure what to think of it. Sometimes I feel like that's what I've got to do in order to not lose her and sometimes I feel the complete opposite and just wish I had never met her.

 

I've gone NC and it's been almost a month but she never tried to contact me. I try not to think of this very much anymore. If she ever contacted me about the subject, I wouldn't know what to say.

[JaggedRoad]

Interesting. I was in a similar situation with my ex. She was always putting herself and her school work before me. Not that I wasn't busy myself but I tried so hard to hang on to the thread that I had and eventually she cut the thread instead. I've never felt this kind of emotional torment in my life but I suppose I was weak and perhaps should have been the one to make the break first. Lot's of empty promises, her constant always tired state. I still got the "let's be friends part." and am not sure what to think of it. Sometimes I feel like that's what I've got to do in order to not lose her and sometimes I feel the complete opposite and just wish I had never met her.

 

I've gone NC and it's been almost a month but she never tried to contact me. I try not to think of this very much anymore. If she ever contacted me about the subject, I wouldn't know what to say.

 

Same here... I'm 2 weeks away from where you are in NC though.

[CaliGuy]

I was going thru this thread and I am appaled at the generalizations regarding women....good god!

 

99% of women who break up have someone on the wings??? really? does that make me the 1%??? Cuz i broke up with my last two boyfriends and I definitely did not have anyone waiting on the wings.

 

Women who break up with you dont care for you at all and if they wanted to be with you they would be??? Not always. I love loooovee my ex. I do. But i cannot be with him. I cant be with him because he needs to get his head straight. He was putting everything EVERYTHING before us, and as much as I talked to him about this, he didnt budge. I couldnt ask him to put me before his school and work, and he didnt want to make the time necessary for us, yet he didnt want me to go. Something had to give. I knew that staying with him, hanging on to a thread of....well nothing really, was gonna do nothing. He needs to face life the way it is and make a decision about whether life without me is good. If it is, then good, if not then we need to make some changes. But by sticking onto an ailing relationship he wouldnt be able to see whats what. Thats why i ended it.

 

Ok, so he didn't love you the way you wanted to be loved, so you left. He shouldn't have any problem understanding why you left. I'm quite sure you communicated your reasons for leaving -- more than once. Odds are he isn't going to come to LS and complain that he doesn't understand why his ex left him.

 

See, the reason why so many men complain about their exes leaving them is because their ex never really communicated why they were leaving. If their ex loved them enough, they would make the effort to work things out with them. But the fact is, a lot of women do meet another guy and lose their feelings for their current B/F and end up pulling away slowly so that by the time they do pull the trigger, their now ex B/F has been blindsided.

 

And usually when that is the case, the now "dumpee" had no clue it was coming. He's always the last to know.

 

Now...will i make contact with him??? again, this is where every relationship is different REGARDLESS of how we are wired as humans.

Given that although I ended the relationship, it was failing because of his lack of commitment, I fully expect him to make a move. Many moves in fact, if he wants to win me back ever. (take heed if you're in this situation)

 

The difference is you are a dumper who wants the dumpee back. We're talking about cases where the dumper does NOT want their ex back and is not making any efforts to do so (mainly because they have someone new). Yes, you are in the 1% bracket.

 

I have been in contact with him here and there..however I realized I have to go NC, not because I want him back and want him to realize what is life without me but also because I need my own time and space.

 

So there you go. Not everyone fits a mold neatly....I know you guys are holding on firmly to those absolute thoughts because its easier to move on that way. (same as the whole he's just not that into you for girls....i must say I LOVE that movie....its such a great "move on please!!" movie). Either way, if you choose to go the "forget you!" and move on, go for it. But dont place all of us in one category cuz thats just not true

 

Great. So you love and respect yourself enough to walk away from someone who wasn't treating you right. That's exactly as it should be and yes, I think you're a rare case here. When I was dumped -- by the girl who brought me to LS many years ago, it wasn't because I didn't love her, didn't make the effort to listen or try really hard. It was simply that she wasn't nearly as into me as I was her. And in the process, she met someone she liked better than me.

 

Oh well. Feces happens. In hindsight, it's probably one of the best things to happen to me because it really caused me to go through a metamorphosis of major proportions. I just wish this had happened to me when I was 21 and not 36 but the benefits are still real and will last the rest of my life.

 

Nobody is saying what you went through is unusual. It's just here on LS most of the time if MEN are posting on a forum like this, they felt they were doing all the right things to keep their S/O around and got dumped from out of nowhere.

[4givrnt4gtr]

Odds are he isn't going to come to LS and complain that he doesn't understand why his ex left him.

But he is posting sad songs about losing the love he wanted because he couldnt handle his past, and how I gave up on us....still not doing anything to fix things though, even if he does know that its mostly his fault.

 

See, the reason why so many men complain about their exes leaving them is because their ex never really communicated why they were leaving. If their ex loved them enough, they would make the effort to work things out with them.

Well, from the other posts i read here the gf often did communicate what was wrong....but the guys didnt think much of it until the girls left. Now they are asking why. Again, not all guys, as I said noone is the same. Im sure some girls do leave just cuz....after all there are bi*ches out there, just as there are a**holes. But its unfair to say that ALL girls who leave are this way.

 

The difference is you are a dumper who wants the dumpee back. We're talking about cases where the dumper does NOT want their ex back and is not making any efforts to do so

I thought we were talking about all dumpers...not just the ones that want their exs back...after all, how would you know which is which?? My ex for sure doesnt know I want him back as I dont let him know how much i miss him or that Im waiting for him to man up. All he knows is that Im friendly and have no hatred towards him at all. Honestly If i were him I would think I wouldnt want me back after all that has happened. You just dont know that kind of stuff unless the dumper acts desperate and clingy...which admittedly, if they left you, are probably not going to do.

 

 

 

Yes, you are in the 1% bracket.

As much as Id like to think Im that special...Im not....and thats the danger of saying that 99% women act a certain way....we are all very very different. I know a lot of women like me that would give their right arm to have the man they left man up and get their ish together. As well as women who did leave their ex because they were done...heck ive been in both positions!! So no, its not about being a woman...its about the situation we find ourselves in.

 

 

 

When I was dumped -- by the girl who brought me to LS many years ago, it wasn't because I didn't love her, didn't make the effort to listen or try really hard. It was simply that she wasn't nearly as into me as I was her. And in the process, she met someone she liked better than me.

But just because SHE did it, doesnt mean ALL women do it. I think a lot of people have difficulty understanding this. My ex had this same problem...just because this excuse for a woman cheated on him, he thought we all would do it.....I had to pay for her sins despite me being the complete opposite of her. Look where that landed us. Its a dangerous mindset I tell you.

 

 

Nobody is saying what you went through is unusual. It's just here on LS most of the time if MEN are posting on a forum like this, they felt they were doing all the right things to keep their S/O around and got dumped from out of nowhere.

OFten...but not always....sometimes people like to play victims. "ohhh i did all i could! sure Id leave her alone to go play with the boys after we made plans...but she should have been more understanding!!" Again im not saying you did this...or even that the men that post here did...but it happens.

 

My point on this whole thing DO NOT GENERALIZE IN ANY WAY its just not fair. The dumpers get the stigma, the dumpees get the victim crown

[Dream Brother]

The dumpers get the stigma, the dumpees get the victim crown

 

That has to be the ****tiest crown in all history.

[4givrnt4gtr]

That has to be the ****tiest crown in all history.

 

Totally agree...thats why you cant hide behind it

[Von]

But he is posting sad songs about losing the love he wanted because he couldnt handle his past, and how I gave up on us....still not doing anything to fix things though, even if he does know that its mostly his fault.

 

Well, from the other posts i read here the gf often did communicate what was wrong....but the guys didnt think much of it until the girls left. Now they are asking why. Again, not all guys, as I said noone is the same. Im sure some girls do leave just cuz....after all there are bi*ches out there, just as there are a**holes. But its unfair to say that ALL girls who leave are this way.

 

I thought we were talking about all dumpers...not just the ones that want their exs back...after all, how would you know which is which?? My ex for sure doesnt know I want him back as I dont let him know how much i miss him or that Im waiting for him to man up. All he knows is that Im friendly and have no hatred towards him at all. Honestly If i were him I would think I wouldnt want me back after all that has happened. You just dont know that kind of stuff unless the dumper acts desperate and clingy...which admittedly, if they left you, are probably not going to do.

 

 

 

As much as Id like to think Im that special...Im not....and thats the danger of saying that 99% women act a certain way....we are all very very different. I know a lot of women like me that would give their right arm to have the man they left man up and get their ish together. As well as women who did leave their ex because they were done...heck ive been in both positions!! So no, its not about being a woman...its about the situation we find ourselves in.

 

 

 

But just because SHE did it, doesnt mean ALL women do it. I think a lot of people have difficulty understanding this. My ex had this same problem...just because this excuse for a woman cheated on him, he thought we all would do it.....I had to pay for her sins despite me being the complete opposite of her. Look where that landed us. Its a dangerous mindset I tell you.

 

 

OFten...but not always....sometimes people like to play victims. "ohhh i did all i could! sure Id leave her alone to go play with the boys after we made plans...but she should have been more understanding!!" Again im not saying you did this...or even that the men that post here did...but it happens.

 

My point on this whole thing DO NOT GENERALIZE IN ANY WAY its just not fair. The dumpers get the stigma, the dumpees get the victim crown

 

I don't think you understand a man's pride. Especially after they have healed from being dumped. He's not going to "man up" without some clues or hints from you. And what do you mean by that exactly? You want him to come begging you to take him back? That's not gunna happen if he's not desperate or needy. So you might be waiting forever. Why don't you do him a favor and tell him how you feel and be straight about it, instead of playing games. If he takes it positively and decides to show you he's serious about making things work good, if not I say let him be so he can move on.

[luvflower]

...Great. So you love and respect yourself enough to walk away from someone who wasn't treating you right. That's exactly as it should be...

 

hi Caliguy...pls tell me this. did you coin "NC"? if not who did? and how long ago?

 

one more question. what if you go NC for a few weeks.you end up getting so wrapped in your everday life or whatever you're doing that when your ex calls you answer by mistake and have to carry on a conversation, short of course.but that almost opens up the door for more communication.what to do then?

[caramel c]

hi Caliguy...pls tell me this. did you coin "NC"? if not who did? and how long ago?

 

one more question. what if you go NC for a few weeks.you end up getting so wrapped in your everday life or whatever you're doing that when your ex calls you answer by mistake and have to carry on a conversation, short of course.but that almost opens up the door for more communication.what to do then?

 

What are the chances that you answer your phone by MISTAKE, and to top it off it happens to be your ex calling? I mean, really, how likely is this? If you answer, you are in contact by choice. If you are serious about NC then you hang up as soon as you hear their voice. Believe me, if there is something THEY HAVE TO TELL YOU then they will find another way, and then another and another and another. You get the point.

[luvflower]

What are the chances that you answer your phone by MISTAKE, and to top it off it happens to be your ex calling? I mean, really, how likely is this? If you answer, you are in contact by choice. If you are serious about NC then you hang up as soon as you hear their voice. Believe me, if there is something THEY HAVE TO TELL YOU then they will find another way, and then another and another and another. You get the point.

 

shucks caramel...you got me. can't get anything past you ha? thanks for keeping it real. but doesn't that almost sound like a game? once you actually hear the voice you would think you could at least say, "i'm sorry i have to go, busy.hope all is well.take care.bye"

[caramel c]

shucks caramel...you got me. can't get anything past you ha? thanks for keeping it real. but doesn't that almost sound like a game? once you actually hear the voice you would think you could at least say, "i'm sorry i have to go, busy.hope all is well.take care.bye"

 

lol, NO, because you will not answer by mistake! This is not 1965, you see who is calling before you answer.