Is marriage always like this at some point?

[Leana]

I have been married to my husband for 3 years. Before that we had dated for 1 1/2 years but were friends back in high school, 10 years ago. We also have a 10 month old. I was his 1st serious relationship & he was my 2nd. We got married at 21 & 22.

 

I have felt for some time that something is missing in our relationship & that his personality just doesn't go with mine as much as I'd want/need anymore. I am the social, humorous extrovert & he is more introverted, serious & brainy. Examples: I like to go out & have a fun time (dancing etc) & he's not into that. I like to let loose on occasion & it's just never fun when he does come along. I rather go out with friends w/o him. Typing this it sounds childish & ridiculous but it's more than that. People say we balance eachother out but I don't know. I know when to be serious & take care of responsibilities but he can NEVER let loose & enjoy life. Something always weighs on his mind.

 

He is always worried about something, overly worried. Over so many tiny things & he can never just let them go & relax. They are on his mind constantly. It makes being with him difficult sometimes because that's all he can focus on. I do try to help him get over his being so worried but it doesn't help much. If it's not one thing it's another.

 

I can't help but feel like I want someone else. Someone with more of a personality. I know that sounds horrible of me, doesn't it? He is a wonderful guy; he takes great care of me & our baby, he's kind, respectful & would do anything for us. I guess you could say I love him but I'm not in love with him. I just don't know anymore. I could stay in this marriage & be okay but I wouldn't be as happy as I think I could be. I think there is someone better suited for me. I also want him to be as happy as he could possibly be because he deserves a wife who loves & adores him 100% & I just don't know if I am that person. I'd think we'd make great friends. And having a baby complicated things.

 

Maybe I am just having a quarter-life crisis? None of our friends are married, several of mine have children. Part of what could be fueling this is that I have a hard time feeling tied down & now being married & with a baby it makes me feel like I have no freedom whatsoever. I adore our baby & take great care of him but I am still having a hard time adjusting to all the changes. Couple that with my husband's personality.....

 

The thought of divorce terrifies me, more so because it's such a big lifechanging thing, we have a baby involved & what my very religious family would think. I think we have enough respect for eachother that it would never get ugly or nasty, we'd remain friendly. Part of me does think it's silly to even be talking about divorce over what I am posting about but it does go deeper. I'd have to type a lot more & I'm not quite sure how to put it all into words.

 

Sorry if this is a bit all over the place. But I'd love to get others points of view on this. I am sure my post seems a bit shallow & selfish the way it was written but there is more to it. I don't think I could put into words my exact feelings. Any input would be appreciated.

 

Thanks for taking the time to read my post!

[seibert253]

1st and most important question. Have you discussed this with your H and told him how you feel?

 

If not, why?

 

Inspite of what many women think, we men cannot read minds. We do not instinctively know how women are feeling. I'm not saying this to be mean or a smartazz, but really that's what many women think. We cannot fix what we do not know is broken.

 

I know at times, my wife gets frustrated and upset because I don't "know" what or how she's feeling about something.

 

Finally I had to sit her down one day and say; honey maybe it's me, maybe I am an idiot at times, (that statement surely rings true), but your "hinting" doesn't always work. If I do something you don't like, or you wish me to do things a certain way, or want me to do X, Y, or Z, you need to tell me. I cannot read minds.

 

If your husband truely loves you, he will compromise, he will adapt to try and please you. I've been there and done that. Any husband who doesn't, will not stay married long.

But, on the other hand you must do the same.

 

Sure marriages get "stale" and boredom and routine set in. That's why you need to communicate this and work to fix it.

 

Most marriages die because of lack of communication.

 

Your very young, and "missed" out on things. But there's no reason why you and your husband cannot experience them together.

 

I would strongly suggest you tell him exactly what you've told us, then seek out professional counseling. I bet you'll find out soon how much you truely do love him, even though he's different.

 

Look at it this way, if he was exactly like you he would be too predictable.

[asireen]

He is a wonderful guy; he takes great care of me & our baby, he's kind, respectful & would do anything for us. I guess you could say I love him but I'm not in love with him. I just don't know anymore. I could stay in this marriage & be okay but I wouldn't be as happy as I think I could be. I think there is someone better suited for me. I also want him to be as happy as he could possibly be because he deserves a wife who loves & adores him 100% & I just don't know if I am that person. I'd think we'd make great friends. And having a baby complicated things.

 

Did you notice how many times you used 'I'? It seems everything is about you, your happiness, your fun, your wants, etc.

The guy is kind, respectful and takes great care of YOU AND YOUR CHILD, and from what you say he will continue to do so. A young, but very responsible father.

You got married too early, and had a child on top of that. So, till the child is 18 years old, suck it up and bring up the child in a loving, two parent environment. And as far as showing love to your good husband, fake it if you have to.

[Untouchable_Fire]

Maybe I am just having a quarter-life crisis? None of our friends are married, several of mine have children. Part of what could be fueling this is that I have a hard time feeling tied down & now being married & with a baby it makes me feel like I have no freedom whatsoever. I adore our baby & take great care of him but I am still having a hard time adjusting to all the changes. Couple that with my husband's personality.....

 

Ummm... I can understand where your coming from. I have often caught myself in a relationship thinking that the grass will be greener on the other side. Especially since your young, probably have not had a ton of experience at this stuff. Plus your hormones are probably going crazy since you had a child recently.

 

Here is what I can tell you for sure... the grass is not always greener.

 

I got divorced... and I have done a good chunk of dating since, and although my wife used to drive me nuts... It means something that I have not remarried.

 

In the end its all going to be your choice... Don't make a mistake, because once you break it... you can never put it back together again.

 

Good Luck

[LakesideDream]

Wow. Three years and you are bored already. I truely feel sorry for your husband. In your own words you describe him as a good man, good father. You have no complaints about his behavior.

 

What you have said is that you are bored and dissatisfied and are looking for a rich, handsome prince to sweep you away to live in never never land.

 

Divorce the poor man. Leaving him now is less destructive than leaving him later. Please, I know of what I speak.

[Touche]

Another classic case of someone marrying too young and ready to sow her wild oats now. Too late, dear. You married and brought a child into the world. You knew who your husband was before you married him didn't you?

 

Spare the details, really. It won't make a difference in your story. You married WAY too young. You don't have any idea what it takes to have a happy marriage. You need years and years alone and dating to appreciate what you now have.

 

What a shame.

[Leana]

Thank you for all your replies. And I can't say I disagree with you all on a lot of what you said.

 

I have told him how I feel, we had a long talk about it. He wants to stay married & from what he said he basically wants to sweep this under the rug, so to speak, & hope it gets better. Which just won't work. I need to talk to him about my issues again so we can figure out what would be best for our family.

 

Yes, we were very young & obviously he is more mature than me. I know that. And yes, he is an amazing father, loves us very much & I know how lucky I am that a man like him wants me. And I wish being a good father & a good man was enough. Is that selfish of me? Could very well be but it's the truth. And I agree that I feel that I have "missed" out. I started feeling like that when we became pregnant.

 

I'm not looking for a rich, handsome man to come in to sweep me off my feet. All I know is that what I feel for my husband isn't what I believe it should be in a marriage. And I honestly wish it was. The way my husband is, it's just his nature. Part of his personality & I highly doubt he'd be able to change it. He has said how he would love to be able to relax & just forget about all those things that he worries about but he just can't. I encourage him to go out with his friends & enjoy himself, not to worry etc. but it always comes back to the same thing. I wish I could help him relax more.

 

"You don't have any idea what it takes to have a happy marriage. You need years and years alone and dating to appreciate what you now have."

 

^^These 2 sentences are too true. You are exactly right. I just don't know how to make our marriage better NOW. I know the problems are mainly mine & I need to work through them. I just wish I knew how. I want to be the best wife for him, I am just afraid I can't be.

 

I will talk with him again & try to come up with some ideas.

Thank you all for your posts, I really do appreciate them.

[SansSouci]

Are you attracted to your husband? What is your sex life like?

 

You mention in your OP, - 'I'd think we'd make great friends & 'I guess you could say I love him but I'm not in love with him'.

[dgiirl]

Are you sure you are not confusing your dislike for your husband with your own feelings of unhappiness with life in general? Many people who are thinking about divorce very often are unhappy with their lives in general, and instead of taking actions to fix that, they quickly point the blame at their SO and believe they are not happy because of THEM. Once they get rid of the SO, they soon realize they are STILL unhappy and that it was always their problem from the beginning.

 

Since you guys do have a child together, I think before even contemplating a divorce, truly reflect on your life and ask yourself if you are happy, and what YOU can do TODAY to make it better? You got married and pregnant way too young. You cant change that. And that can cause a LOT of pressure in your life. It will not change once you are divorced. Instead, you'll be a divorced mom at the age of 24. It's not like you'll have even more freedom to sow your oats once you are living alone raising your child. So I think in the best interest of you and your child, you owe it to take this time to improve your life in other ways.

 

I also suggest stop thinking of your husband with "issues". Accept that he is a worry wart. Stop thinking of it as a negative. Stop thinking that you have to fix it or show him a better way. This way of thinking allows you to elevate yourself higher than him, to take on a parent role in the relationship, and to take your husband for granted. And when you take someone for granted, or start to think of them negatively, those loving feelings will disappear. If you want to keep the spark alive, you have to nuture loving feelings, you have to think of him in loving ways, and you have to think of him in romantic ways. Reflect on how you USE to feel about your husband before you got married. Has he really changed that much? Or are you just focusing more on the negative now?

[asireen]

What happens when you become unhappy with husband #2 after a few short years? Move on to husband #3? Hope you don't bring more children into this world.

If you divorce your current good man, no doubt you will be back in the dating scene. But you will be a single mom, and therefore, several notches below single women your age who do not have children. Why would a man want a woman with kids? Most would not, except for sex.

[Leana]

Are you attracted to your husband? What is your sex life like?

 

You mention in your OP, - 'I'd think we'd make great friends & 'I guess you could say I love him but I'm not in love with him'.

 

I am attracted to him. Our sex life isn't too bad, it could be better but it could be worse. We do have sex often enough.

 

I tried talking to him last night but it was late & he kept falling asleep on & off so it didn't go too well. I'm going to bring it up again when he gets home today. But from what we did talk about last night he wants me to go out wth my friends & have the "fun' I want to have. I told him I want to have fun out with my husband, he didn't really know what to say to that.

 

I am actually pretty happy with my life besides this relatively small problem. I have a great family that lives nearby & a few close frends. Our son is amazing. I recently lost weight & am enjoying this lifestyle SO much more. Overall I can't really complain. And I know complaining about this seems silly & trivial to some. I know I have maturing to do when it comes to this.

 

I'd love to work everything out with my husband. I think I was probably a bit hasty & emotional in my 1st post, & looking at the OVERALL picture, divorce does seem a bit ridiculous. Dgiirl, you gave some great things for me to think about. I will take that all to heart, thank you.

 

Thanks to all that responded, you all have helped me a great deal.

[HsMomma]

What happens when you become unhappy with husband #2 after a few short years? Move on to husband #3? Hope you don't bring more children into this world.

If you divorce your current good man, no doubt you will be back in the dating scene. But you will be a single mom, and therefore, several notches below single women your age who do not have children. Why would a man want a woman with kids? Most would not, except for sex.[/QUOTE]

 

Asireen - you've sung this song before & it doesn't fly any better now than it did the last time. I will undoubtedly earn an infraction for this, but you are a misanthropic jerk when it comes to single mothers & their value. If you don't want to be involved with one & Lord knows I hope you don't EVER get involved with one, that's your right. But to say that they should be valued less than single women without children is a neanderthal's view & you are even farther down the food chain than that for saying & thinking it!:mad:

[asireen]

Asireen - you've sung this song before & it doesn't fly any better now than it did the last time. I will undoubtedly earn an infraction for this, but you are a misanthropic jerk when it comes to single mothers & their value. If you don't want to be involved with one & Lord knows I hope you don't EVER get involved with one, that's your right. But to say that they should be valued less than single women without children is a neanderthal's view & you are even farther down the food chain than that for saying & thinking it!:mad:

 

I have nothing against single mothers, I would date them too, and have dated more than one, but would never marry one. It is my opinion, and that of many men. I would hope you take my opinions in a sporting manner. I do express them very bluntly and directly and I understand that some people may get offended. I presume most people posting on this forum are adults, and are looking for different opinions/feedback, some of which they may not like.

[lawton teacher]

Leana

 

Please do not be so hard on yourself. You are not selfish or mean for having the thoughts that you have. If I were to put myself in your shoes at your age (I'm 33) I would be feeling a little restless too. You have a beautiful daughter, but your life is different than those of your friends. You may feel like you're missing out on being young and free.

 

I think the answer to some of your problems lies in this passage...

 

Maybe I am just having a quarter-life crisis? None of our friends are married, several of mine have children. Part of what could be fueling this is that I have a hard time feeling tied down & now being married & with a baby it makes me feel like I have no freedom whatsoever. I adore our baby & take great care of him but I am still having a hard time adjusting to all the changes. Couple that with my husband's personality.....

 

You are having trouble adjusting to this new phase of life as a mother. It is scary, and very normal to have a feeling of being "tied down". You have responcibilities now and people that are relying on you. Your freedom to come and go as you please and live for yourself is gone. This is a HUGE adjustment for most people. These feelings are not a reflection of your daughter or your husband, this is something that you're going to have to come to terms with.

 

All of that being said, I believe IMHO that you are projecting these feelings of restlessness onto your husband rather than dealing with them and making changes in your life to make yourself feel better. At the heart of your feelings is a sense of feeling "tied down". Do you think you wouldn't feel tied down if only your husband were extroverted? Would a more talkative person change that fact that your friends are not settled down yet and living the carefree lifestyle that you're missing? No. You are blaming your unhappiness on your husband's personality traits instead of getting to the root of your issues. What is it that makes you so uneasy about settling down? Why did you make the choice to marry and have a child when you really want to be free? These are some issues that counceling may help you explore.

 

You have been married for three years. I imagine that this is the first set of real problems that have come up in your marriage. Now is the time to rise up and face these problems together, not dump your partner when things get tough. You need to communicate with your husband.What could your husband do to help you? What could you do to help yourself feel differently? For example, could your husband agree to watch your child one night a week so you could unwind with your friends and recharge? Could you find other mothers and join a play group? It sounds to me like you are missing out on connecting with others. This may be why your husband's introversion bothers you so much now, and not before, because you are relying more on him for more of your social needs. Do you spend a lot of time alone with your child?

 

Explore some of these feelings before you decide to end your marriage.