Nanalinda Posted July 8, 2009 Share Posted July 8, 2009 Hello, My ex just broke with me two week ago, we still maintain contact, well he do at least, he calls me when he need help with his cats, I am a vet, but I dont know if wants me only as his vet or as more, so I will tell him I wont take care of his cats anymore, I think i have to take care of my self, and everytime he calls im waiting for an invitation, and i never get one, maybe the cats are a way to stay in contact with me, but that is not the kind of contact I want, I really want him back, but not under his terms, he told me he didnt want any commitments so he will have to find another "Friend,VET, Girlfriend?". This is really hard for me, but i think is for the best, I feel im begging for crumbles everytime I go to his home and help him with the cats, like im waiting for something to come up, very sad if i was looking from outside, I think the NC rule will be a truly NC rule in all sense, I really really miss him, I hope and think that if he really wants me back he will try to get to me in any other way but the cats, well thank you for listening to me!!!!! Link to post Share on other sites
Leveller Posted July 8, 2009 Share Posted July 8, 2009 Simply tell him to find another vet. Clearly state your his ex-girlfriend but if he wants to talk about you and him so to speak keep the lines of communication open but do not get 'friend zoned'. I am sure you'll be alright. Link to post Share on other sites
BCCA Posted July 8, 2009 Share Posted July 8, 2009 I'm sorry youre going through this. I know how rough it is when youre fresh out of a breakup, and everything just seems so cruel. Hang in there. As far as him calling you, you need to start screening your calls. If he leaves a message, see what he says. If its some crap about cats, ignore it and pretend like he never called. If he doesnt even leave a message, pretend he never called. The reason he is doing this is that he wants you in his life on his terms, and doesnt care how it effects you. You dont need that, you just have to stay away, and stay out of contact. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Nanalinda Posted July 8, 2009 Author Share Posted July 8, 2009 I just feel better when i read your replies, thank you very much, I will tell him todays that im very sorry but i can not be his vet, and wish him well, it is nice to see poeple who cares like you!!!, thank you very much!!!! Link to post Share on other sites
Author Nanalinda Posted July 9, 2009 Author Share Posted July 9, 2009 Ok!!!, this was very hard!, I told him i din't want to be his vet and he almost hung on me, but before I also told him that i think he didnt behave well with me, he said "ok, ok, ok " and the we hanged. I feel like a maybe kill any chance for us being together, I just don't know if I did the right thing, OMG!!!!!, maybe I just needed to play the game a little more, I really dont know!, i just miss that i wont probably hear from him anymore, and I love him so much!!!!!!!!!!!!!!, right now I just Dont kno what is right or what is wrong!!!!!, please HELP ME!!!!!! Link to post Share on other sites
gorgio Posted July 9, 2009 Share Posted July 9, 2009 Ok!!!, this was very hard!, I told him i din't want to be his vet and he almost hung on me, but before I also told him that i think he didnt behave well with me, he said "ok, ok, ok " and the we hanged. I feel like a maybe kill any chance for us being together, I just don't know if I did the right thing, OMG!!!!!, maybe I just needed to play the game a little more, I really dont know!, i just miss that i wont probably hear from him anymore, and I love him so much!!!!!!!!!!!!!!, right now I just Dont kno what is right or what is wrong!!!!!, please HELP ME!!!!!! Nanalinda, you can't play the game right now, you might be able to later and you might find out that you don't want him at all! I know it might seem strange now (I was there before too and could not see my life without her) but you have to step back and deal with yourself first. When I did just that I realized that I didn't want her at all. Read this again: You might realize that he is not the one for you and that there are better people out there if you take a little time and reflect on things when you are not in contact with him. Read this again and again, because right now it seems improbable, but it might become reality down the road. If he calls you / contacts you again write him an email that you need time to yourself. There is no use telling him to 'find another vet' etc. because you are being confrontational. Write something explaining to him that you need time for yourself and that you can not stay in contact with him right now. Then go full NC. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Nanalinda Posted July 9, 2009 Author Share Posted July 9, 2009 I just can't stop thinking that I just blew it!!!, now it is late to tell him that I just need it space, because i already told him i didn't want to be his VET!!!, is to late!, I just miss him a lot, i know you are right, but in this moment I dont know what I should do, I feel that I can't breath!!!, why this happened to me!, I love so much, why he can see that???, why he used me???, right know I really don't think I'll fall im love again!, He is very proud, so Im afraid he will never contact me again, ever!!!!!!, if I could just kiss him one more time, or hug him, gooshhhh i miss him so much!!, thank you for your word!!!, but this really hurts!!! Link to post Share on other sites
BCCA Posted July 9, 2009 Share Posted July 9, 2009 I just can't stop thinking that I just blew it!!!, now it is late to tell him that I just need it space, because i already told him i didn't want to be his VET!!!, is to late!, I just miss him a lot, i know you are right, but in this moment I dont know what I should do, I feel that I can't breath!!!, why this happened to me!, I love so much, why he can see that???, why he used me???, right know I really don't think I'll fall im love again!, He is very proud, so Im afraid he will never contact me again, ever!!!!!!, if I could just kiss him one more time, or hug him, gooshhhh i miss him so much!!, thank you for your word!!!, but this really hurts!!! It really hurts, I can certainly sympathize with you there. Its the worst kind of pain, too, it just wont go away. But what you did is yank the knife out of your heart now, instead of letting it tear away at you indefinitely. You did what had to be done, now or later, and the sooner the better. Listen to me, nothing you said on the phone changed anything at all. I can promise you that, you did the best possible thing you could. You cant be his vet anymore, he should understand. Hes only mad because he cant have his cake and eat it too. I can also PROMISE you that if he really cared enough about coming back, he would throw his pride aside and do it. Youre convincing yourself that you need to be in his life to hold any hope of getting him back, when youre actually being counter-productive. The more he gets to see you on his terms, the less likely he's going to be to reconsider your relationship. Why should he? By doing whats good for YOU, you tell him that youre strong enough to go on just fine without him. No one wants to feel like someone is throwing themselves at their feet, or being otherwise pathetic. You did the right thing! Stay strong, it will get better! I promise you that you'll be very glad with this decision later on! Link to post Share on other sites
gorgio Posted July 9, 2009 Share Posted July 9, 2009 You didn't blow it. Be easy on yourself, if he contacts you again then you can tell him that you need space. Right now you need time for yourself to see if you really want him back and trust me on this. Maybe you will realize that you don't want him at all. Link to post Share on other sites
Ronni_W Posted July 9, 2009 Share Posted July 9, 2009 I just can't stop thinking that I just blew it!!!, Nanalinda, If you blew anything, it was only the chance to be his cats' vet. He almost hung-up on you when you set your boundaries around not being the vet...that shows where his "interest" lies. He didn't at all care to listen when you wanted to talk about his behaviour/how he treated you...that shows what he is NOT interested in. Yes, it does hurt. Unfortunately it is going to hurt much worse and for much longer if you continue to think about hugging and kissing him -- right now, those are just self-torturing thoughts. As others have suggested -- be kind to, and gentle with, yourself. Keep a safe distance so that you can grow calmer, stronger and less in need/fear. Sending hugs, and healing. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Nanalinda Posted July 9, 2009 Author Share Posted July 9, 2009 All your words really make me feel better!, and feeling that some people care is like warm water to my frozen heart, I really really appreciate all of you taking the time to support me!!!, this is a very hard day, and all of you really are making it better!!!, so thank you again!!!!!!!! Link to post Share on other sites
Author Nanalinda Posted July 9, 2009 Author Share Posted July 9, 2009 Hello everybody, today I feel sad but more assured that I did the right thing, I hope I feel like this the whole day, what really surprise me is how disposable we can become to other people, and it is harder when you give them your heart, your trust, I always tried to avoid relationships, because I was afraid of being hurt, well, my first time in a long time and this happened, but I guess this is part of living, and if i want to get back in the game I will have to be strong enough to deal with this and more, Thank you everybody!!!!, thank you very much!!!!! Link to post Share on other sites
Ronni_W Posted July 9, 2009 Share Posted July 9, 2009 Hey Nanalinda. Glad to hear you're feeling more confident about your decision! You stood up for your own wants and needs, and that is always a good thing. Plus, you totally deserve to be treated well ALL the time, and to have happy, encouraging and uplifting relationships in which your partner CARES enough to learn, and treat you, how you want and expect to be treated. Yes, the sadness (and other emotions) will be there, and then will come and go. Self-love and compassion will help to get you through it...and posting here, of course Wishing you continued strength, and many good things to come. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Nanalinda Posted July 9, 2009 Author Share Posted July 9, 2009 Thanks Ronni_W, But dont worry I will also post the good things that happen in my life!!!, but talking to all of you is a highlight in my day!!!, you really makes me feel stronger!!!, Now I have to stop eating junk food!!! LOL!!! and start doing exercise again!!!, I have to put everything in order again!!!, im a little scared because I will have to see him next week, in a event (bicycle), well i will try not to worry until then!!!!, best wishes to you Ronni and to the rest!!!!!! Link to post Share on other sites
Author Nanalinda Posted July 9, 2009 Author Share Posted July 9, 2009 Ok, I have to take this out of my chest, this guy was my first one you know!!!, Im not that young sooo, I am in my late 20s', i try to wait for the right one and all that stuff, my dad is from the stone age and all, so sex is kind o a tabu in my home, my Dad was telling that boy now a days leave girls because they are sluts that sleep with them!, that why would any normal man stay with a woman after he slept with her, and that my cousin was a slut because she slept with her boyfriend and got pregnant and thats why she was dumped, that it was her fault!!, that is our fault that men leave us, so i just can't stop thiking that maybe this guy left me because we became intimate, that maybe if I waited longer, or I dont know (he is in his 40s'), maybe I did all this, maybe I rush things, I just can't stop crying I feel so bad, i know him for almost 5 month, and i thought I knew him, we kind of date seriously a few week after he told me he like me, but the entire time I knew he like it, because we spend tons of time together, movies dinner, sports, all those months, but maybe I had to wait more, and now i feel like damage good, I feel like no man will love never again, I feel that that was the only thing I had to offer!, and i lost it with this jerk!, I feel desperate..... Link to post Share on other sites
Ronni_W Posted July 9, 2009 Share Posted July 9, 2009 Hugs, NL. Intellectually you KNOW that your dad is totally messed up in his thinking about that! You just have to keep reminding yourself of that. It is NOT because you had sex with your b/f that he left. It's because he is a jerk, or a moron, or took you for granted or some other reason. If you feel that maybe you rushed things...that's a different matter. My guess is that you didn't, though -- my guess is that you were totally ready to have sex, and it was a choice that you made for yourself, given your own thoughts, feelings, needs, desires, perceptions, etc. It sounds like you made a wise decision for where you were in your own life, your own sexual development, etc. That's not even your dad's business. It is NOT why your ex left! Your dad is living in the stone age about this. You KNOW that. Don't let your dad's archaic beliefs mess with your head -- getting over the break-up is going to be hard enough. Lots and lots of hugs, Ronni Link to post Share on other sites
Leveller Posted July 9, 2009 Share Posted July 9, 2009 I can only echo Ronni's words. Please do not feel down on yourself for what are a perfectly natural and normal set of circumstances. Life and love are never perfect but you have done nothing wrong. Be proud and strong about who you are. Take good care. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Nanalinda Posted July 9, 2009 Author Share Posted July 9, 2009 Thabk you Ronni, thats how I feel, that is bad enough dealing with this and now my dad call me (indirectly) a slut, I really thought he was the one, I really loved him and still love him, he new it was my first time, and he didn't care to brake my heart, I think thats way I feel used, I wanned the my first time to be special, and this is what I got, it is sad when you wait all this years for someone special, and you have the same result you woulded have with a one night stand 7 years ago. Im not the girl that do one night stands, or chance relationships like pants, I try to take care of myself. I just can't stop asking my self, why me???? I feel like im hanging with my nails from a cliff. Thanks Ronni_W for your words, I really need them right now. Thanks leveller, I really appreciate it!!!! Link to post Share on other sites
BCCA Posted July 9, 2009 Share Posted July 9, 2009 I just can't stop asking my self, why me???? It happens to just about everyone at least a couple times. Even people who seem like they should never have to deal with it, do. I know how you feel, but trust me - almost EVERYONE on this board answering you has been dumped at least once. Im in my mid twenties and every serious girlfriend ive had has dumped me and been a complete douche about it. On top of that, I never hear from them again. Bad things happen to good people, its an unfortunate part of life. Realize that not everything happens because you deserve it, but everybody plays the fool one time or another. Im sure your ex has either been dumped before or will be someday. At the end of the day, he wasnt the one for you. If he was, you wouldnt be here. So, he did you a favor, now you can find someone who loves you and doesnt make you feel this way. I know, right now this sounds like some hippy crap that you dont want to hear, but one day youll realize how true it is. And dads are the worst for relationship advice. Its either everything is your fault, or everyone else in the world is not good enough. I talk to my mom or sister, NEVER my dad lol Link to post Share on other sites
Ronni_W Posted July 10, 2009 Share Posted July 10, 2009 NL, you did the VERY BEST that you could, to take care of yourself. You made decisions based on what you knew at the time and how you felt at the time. There is nothing "bad/wrong" with staying true to your Self, which is exactly what you did. You actually can be proud of that! I felt the same way you do, after my heart was broken by my 'first love'. He was also older, and I'd also "waited" longer than my girlfriends. At the end, I just wished I'd never met him at all. A good part about having an older guy for your first is that they know what they're doing better than some of the less experienced ones . For me, I had to take comfort in that cos, at the time, there was blessed little else about any of it that offered solace. Of course it's not JUST you -- every 'first time lover' gets her or his heart broken in exactly the same way. It is ALL of us non-virgins...we have ALL been there. Because of the number of shattered dreams and "lost forevers" it is the worst one, IME. There is just so much to grieve. So, do your best to keep practicing self-love and compassion, and not let the ignoramuses like your dad get into your 'bubble of protection'...just keep that wrapped around you at all times. There's nothing else you can do about stuff like that. Sending angels and rainbows. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Nanalinda Posted July 10, 2009 Author Share Posted July 10, 2009 Ohhhhh!!! I promise you all!, that the next time I will be much more careful, I will develop eyes in my back!!!, maybe this will happen again to me, I don't know!!!, but be sure that I will try my best to this one be my last!!!!. I wont even try dating for at least six months, I have to bild up my self esteem stronger that ever, and everything else in my life, I will try very hard to fall in love with myself very deeply, so the next time a guy like this one come, I will kick him away right from the beging. For now I just wish to stop crying, and get a hold on my self, I feel everythig is out of order right now. Thanks Ronni, Thanks BCCA, I just can feel every word you right!, and it is not hippy talk!!!, I hope what you say will come true, I really do. Its sad to hear that this things also happend to you, but you telling me all this really lets me know that you really really really understand me right now. Thanks!!!! Link to post Share on other sites
Author Nanalinda Posted July 10, 2009 Author Share Posted July 10, 2009 Ok! I Thought this was impossible!!!!!, todays I feel much worst!!!!!, I just want everything be like before, I really miss him, and he is probably having fun around, I thought I would be better by now!!!, I don't feel very happy with my life right now, I dont have many friend, and most of them were his so it is probably the best for me not to contact them, I feel very lonely, he activate his facebook account, almost a month ago, and never add me as a friend, but add my brother (he doen't know what happend), I just find out today!, I should know better, that he was a player, or something, and he never meant to take me seriuos, I am very stupid, Today I feel sick, my stomach hurts a lot!, I can't see the future today, I don't know if i can take this Link to post Share on other sites
Ronni_W Posted July 10, 2009 Share Posted July 10, 2009 Hi NL. Yep...it is like that: it can get worse...but it will also get better. Right now it's still fresh and raw. It will take some time for the 'scab' to form and that's when the real healing starts to happen. I also felt stupid...like I was the biggest sucker on the planet (and he was the biggest jerk.) But we're not really stupid...when we're hurting, it just can feel as if we are (but they still are jerks! ) Probably it's not that he was just messing around with you, though. Like BCCA said, it's just that things didn't work out (for EITHER of you) and that you weren't meant to be together. That doesn't mean that he never took you seriously, or always intended to hurt you like this. I think it's probably better that you're not his FaceBook friend, don't you? -- he actually did you a huge favour about that, even if he thought he was being 'mean' to you. If you developed your own friendships with some of the people he introduced you to, then certainly you can reach out to them. If you're unsure, just ask if they're "taking sides" or if they feel that they can give you unbiased, objective support. Some of them might surprise you. The only caution of course is that they likely will also maintain their connections with him...that can get tricky but it depends how you decide to handle your end of things. Try to have a (non-alcoholic) drink of whatever settles your stomach. If you did want to lose weight anyway, that's another bonus. If, on the other hand, you need to watch to not get under-weight...then please do make sure that you're getting as much nourishment as possible. I know that's hard, though -- I felt mostly nauseous for a good few months. I know it sounds impossible and like just a bunch of crap, but it really does get better. Here's the link to the free, on-line version of 'How To Survive The Loss Of A Love': http://www.mcwilliams.com/books/sur/srtoc.htm ~ Perhaps you'll find something helpful. Of course, wishing that you'll feel better soon Link to post Share on other sites
Author Nanalinda Posted July 10, 2009 Author Share Posted July 10, 2009 Thanks Ronni, thanks for helping me. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Nanalinda Posted July 10, 2009 Author Share Posted July 10, 2009 I just can't belive all this is happening!!!!!! Link to post Share on other sites
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