Newlywed husband in sexual distress

[dazedandconfised]

Hello everyone. I am new to this posting stuff. It is hard for me to share with outsiders, because I am a very private person. I am a newlywed, only about 1 month. I hate that I have to complain but before me and my wife got married, she wasn't very interested in sex. She said that premarital sex made her feel like she failed God. While my body didn't want to accept this, my mind, body and soul made me understand and I was able to accept this. She promised a grand change. I loved her so I accepted this. We waited to we were married, which brings me to now.

 

I love and adore my wife, she has been the love of my life for since I was 14 and I am 29 now. But I have needs and as of yet they are being neglected. Men, well I won't speak for all men, but this man loves to kiss, caress, be affectionate and loving but I also have a desire like anyone would, man or woman, to make love to my spouse. I have never cheated on her and don't plan on it, but where do I get satisfaction. In the month that we have been married, we have had sex five times, including our honeymoon. This is what I waited for. Excuse after excuse, promises about it getting better.

 

Sometimes I feel hurt, sometimes I feel betrayed, and most of the time I'm just frustrated. I try to satisfy every need that she has. Not only her needs but her desires also. I don't know what else too do. Talking doesn't solve anything. I've tried repeatedly. I am afraid that my frustration will become intolerable and I love her too much to ever think of looking to others to satisfy me.

 

 

Please help.

[ArdeaCandidissima]

Hello dazed, this is a very painful and difficult problem. I understand your anguish and also your well-cloaked anger. First of all, I wouldn't bother talking too much or asking for promises or excuses - this can feel like nagging. Nagging and good sex just don't go together. You've probably done as much as you can on your own for now.

 

Secondly, you have a very BIG problem. It sounds as if your wife has a major sexual dysfunction. You need professional help, and seriously, now. If it's too expensive to get therapy or counseling, then go borrow money, sell your cars, take the bus, mortgage your house, get another job, raid your 401k, max out your credit cards, same as you would if you or your wife had a serious illness and no insurance, because this problem is that huge. It may be treatable with medications or cognitive/behavioral therapy.

 

The alternatives to treatment are: 1) living with a low sex/low affection marriage (miserable), 2) divorce (miserable for a while), 3) affairs and their complications and pain (miserable).

 

By the way, you are right. Healthy adults in loving relationships generally love to share physical affection of all types. This is the essence of normalcy and requires no explanation or excuse.

 

Last word...there are many other people out there suffering in low sex/low affection marriages, so you will find many of us who understand and grieve for you.

[cindy0039]

Originally posted by ArdeaCandidissima

Secondly, you have a very BIG problem. It sounds as if your wife has a major sexual dysfunction. You need professional help, and seriously, now. If it's too expensive to get therapy or counseling, then go borrow money, sell your cars, take the bus, mortgage your house, get another job, raid your 401k, max out your credit cards, same as you would if you or your wife had a serious illness and no insurance, because this problem is that huge. It may be treatable with medications or cognitive/behavioral therapy.

 

The alternatives to treatment are: 1) living with a low sex/low affection marriage (miserable), 2) divorce (miserable for a while), 3) affairs and their complications and pain (miserable).

 

By the way, you are right. Healthy adults in loving relationships generally love to share physical affection of all types. This is the essence of normalcy and requires no explanation or excuse.

 

Last word...there are many other people out there suffering in low sex/low affection marriages, so you will find many of us who understand and grieve for you.

Wait a minute, ArdeaCandidissima. I've read your other posts on this forum and I have to ask: Could you possibly be doing a little projecting here based on your own experiences? I don't see that this couple has a problem of the magnitude you're describing if they've indeed had sex 5 times in a month. But you're right; if this is a problem for one of the two now, it's not going to get better without some work.

 

dazedandconfused - How often do you think would be reasonable? Perhaps since this is all new to your wife it will just take some getting used to for her and some negotiation or compromise should be reached. There are some good books out there that address this subject. Do a search on the internet or even on Amazon.com.

[ArdeaCandidissima]

Perhaps. I was responding to the hurt, frustration, anger and sense of neglect and betrayal that was expressed by dazedandconfused. The absolute frequency of intercourse is not so much the issue, rather it is one partner's feelings about it...but I do think once per six days is unusually low for newlyweds in their twenties who have abstained until their wedding night. It is additionally worrying that the wife's religious feelings may be constraining her sexually and causing her lack of interest. This kind of switch is typically not easy to toggle.

 

I still maintain that this couple has a BIG problem that, left untreated, will likely destroy their marital happiness. I have a sense that the poster would agree with me.

 

And you're right, I have big problems of my own.

[SarahGirl]

Sounds to me like you really love your wife. She sounds as though she is a very religious person. She obviously is not comfortable with expressing herself sexually. It's funny that she would apologize for not being good in bed. I mean, she doesn't sound as if she has had a lot of experience which might be making her extremely anxious. Lets face it, sex isn't good when you're nervous. Also keep in mind that you just got married one month ago. She has not really had enough time to adjust to the idea that sex is okay now that she is married. Her whole life she has told herself 'wait until marriage'. Now that it has come, maybe she does not know what to do. Also, if she knows that you are sexually experienced or are more confident about your sexuality, she might feel as though she cannot perform at your level. I think you are really concerned so early on because you are questioning the outlook of your sex life down the road. I think she needs time for adjusting. Next time you make love to her, boost her confidence. Make her feel as if she is the sexiest woman in the whole world. I think that she will really loosen up when she feels more confident about her own sexuality.

[HokeyReligions]

Hi Dazed. I can tell you that coming from a background where premarital sex was a sin, the ingrained guilt over even feeling romantic does not instantly stop when we say "I Do." There is no magic formula in those words that suddenly negate all the guilt and shame she may have felt before marriage when her body was telling her one thing and her mind & religious training another. That is not something to easily overcome.

 

Actually, 5 times in a month does not sound so bad at all, unless it has been emotionally unsatisfying for either or both of you.

 

You need to have patience and understanding. Know that just because she doesn't feel about sex the same way you do, does not make her wrong or mean that she is the one who needs 'fixing.'

 

Having said that, you may seriously want to go to couples counseling. There are faith-based counselors that may help your wife more than a secular counselor will - but I tend to thing that both would be of the most help for your situation.

 

It's not so unheard of that couples go through this -- you can't expect to be on the same page all the time, especially with sex. Learning to understand each other and learning to understand yourselves is very important. Open communication is vital. My husband still gets embarassed if I talk frankly about sex. We had an 'intimacy crisis' early in our marriage. We even separated a couple of times and sex was the key reason. My own marriage is not main-stream. My husband and I have been celibate for over a decade now. His choice - not mine. I had to make a choice a long time ago - stay with him and accept this, stay with him and continue to get help and hope that he will change, or leave. I chose to stay and hope, and then I chose to stay and accept it - which in the long run was perfect because he is disabled now and not able to have sex.

 

That doesn't mean that it will be like that for the two of you. I'll wager that with counseling and patience and understanding you two will be able to make a very fulfilling sex life together. A book that helped us communicate may also help you. Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus. I know, trite and cliche now -- but still some valuable information and insights in the book. My husband tried to tell me things that I just didn't "get" until I read it and it was like "Is THAT what you've been trying to tell me?" and it really, really helped us.

 

there was something on our local news last night - I saw it advertised, but didn't see the news story - about the Bible and sex and how following some things in the Bible might help rekindle that flame. You might even look for something like this on the 'net.

[Lanapalace]

Hi there - I didn't read everyone's posts, so this is strictly my opinion. You were with this girl for 15 years without having sex - and you waited that long, and married her, and so yeah, I think 5 times a month is NOT enough for newlyweds who have waited so long to be together sexually.

 

I think there are a few things going on here:

1) I think your wife needs to know for sure that it is not sinful to enjoy having sex with her husband. There is plenty of Christian literature out there that will tell you that God wants a husband and wife to really enjoy being together sexually. Find it and read it with her!

2) I think she probably feels very pressured to perform, and she really doesn't know how. After all, this is all new to her (and you?). It's probably not very comfortable or all that enjoyable to her yet. So once you have her believing it's okay and even a good thing to have sex with her husband, you need to back off. Also, I have always kind of said, "No" to my husband when I really just wanted him to pursue me a little more. Make it fun, joke around, and don't expect her to do anything too bold for a while. Hold and caress her and then go to sleep and leave her wondering why you didn't try for anything further. You have to use some tactics here!

 

Once she truly believes that it is a beautiful gift from God to have sex with her husband, your wife will start to relax more. And Heaven help you when she gets to her 30s. You better save up some energy!

 

I think it will all work out for you, but I do understand your frustration. You sound like a great guy! Don't give up!

[val]

I AM A WIFE WITH 2 KIDS MARRIED 9 YEARS, I AM CURRENTLY 29 YEARS OLD. MY HUSBAND AND I BEFORE MARRIED WOULD HAVE SEX BASICALLY EVERY DAY. I WAS A VIRGIN AND SO WAS HE, OR SO HE SAYS, AND DONT REALLY BELIEVE IT BUT I GUESS ILL NEVER KNOW, BECAUSE I COULDNT TELL. ANYWAYS, THE PROBLEM I HAVE IS THAT MY HUSBAND IS NOT PASSIONATE WITH ME, WHEN WE START HAVING SEX IT JUST SEEMS LIKE SAME ROUTINE, AND I HATE IT. ALSO WE HAVE SEX ABOUT 2 TIMES A WEEK, AND SOMETIMES WHILE HAVING SEX HIS PENIS WILL GO DOWN , COULD SOMEONE HELP ME TO UNDERSTAND WHY? IS HE NOT ATTRACTED TO ME OR WHAT DO I TURN HIM OFF. HOW CAN I TELL?

[Faerie Princess]

When someone is new to sex, it can be challenging and confusing. There are a lot of things that go through the mind when you're engaging in sex, especially if you've developed fears or misconceptions about it.

 

I'd advise a sex manual. There are many out there. Heck, you're Christians, you said? Check out:

 

http://www.dougbrittonbooks.com/books/mbb8.asp

 

I've not read it myself, I confess, but I've had other friends reccommend it, and it's sposed'ly very good.

 

Take time to play with each other. Foreplay is VERY important. Try kissing for half an hour, gently touching each other. Try exploring each other's bodies. Keep finding new ways to touch and delight each other. Sex is fun, and if you let go and let yourselves enjoy it, it will really help cement one of the bonds in your marriage.

[Arabess]

To come in from another angle.....maybe a full physical checkup isn't a bad idea either. She may need some harmone therapy or they may another correctable dysfunction. Granted.....young men are insatiable....but once every 5-6 days for a newlywed couple is a pretty low number.

 

If, indeed, it is a biblically based psychological hold up.....then some counseling with your pastor sounds like a good idea. From there, you two can decide if you need serious marriage counseling. It's possible there may be something in her past which is causing her to shy away from sex. Maybe even something she has never shared with you or even hidden from her conscious memory.