bodie124 Posted July 9, 2009 Share Posted July 9, 2009 I've been broken up with my ex for about a year now, and NC for about 9 months. I am actually in a new relationship, and it is going great. My SO is away for the summer, and I have quite a bit of free time aside from work. I've had a lot more time than usual to think, maybe too much time. I have no desire to get back with my ex. I am somewhat upset about how it all turned out in the end. She did not take the breakup well. She made it her point to convince her friends (which also encroached into my network of friends) that I wasn't worth speaking too. I honestly don't know what she told them, but it seems to have worked. Either way, I really am not all that mad about it, since I've moved on and established new friendships and solidified old ones. Yet lately I've been having this weird curiosity to "check up" on her. Like I said, I have no real desire to establish any kind of new friendship or relationship. Is it unhealthy or wrong to feel this way? One side of me says I'm just bored and trying to fill in the time until my SO comes back, another says that I am actually a bit curious about what my ex is up to. Either way, is this bad practice after NC? Link to post Share on other sites
Giha Posted July 9, 2009 Share Posted July 9, 2009 I think it is perfectly natural to wonder about people who were an important part of your life. I don't think thats strange in any way. I myself found myself in a situation similar to yours. I suggest you do not try to look up for information about her, let this curiosity pass and find another way to keep yourself busy during the summer. Personaly I see no positive outcome from checking up on her Link to post Share on other sites
traxN90s Posted July 9, 2009 Share Posted July 9, 2009 When I first broke up with my ex I would check up on her now and then. I still had feelings for her so it would hurt if I didn't like what I saw. Maybe they've got someone new or whatever. I stopped that though and even deleted my Myspace. All to get away from her and not be tempted to look her up. I think if you still have some emotional attachment then you should turn the other cheek when it comes to them. However if you have no emotional attachment to them or any feelings, then I guess you can explore your curiosity some. If it burns inside you that much to know what they're up to. Overall I'd say since you have someone new just leave it to the past. Your decision. Link to post Share on other sites
broken_promises Posted July 9, 2009 Share Posted July 9, 2009 Trust me, checking up on exes seems like a good idea (and can give a sense of relief to that "I wonder what they're doing" obsession or if you are seeking confirmation of who you thought they might have cheated with or been interested in) but it just makes it hurt worse most of the time! I just did this with my recent ex (together 3.5 years, broken up 2 weeks) and it has thrown me into a tailspin. And even with my prior ex, when I found out about how great of a life they were having, it just made me feel like I was such a loser that they could only get a great life once they were not with me. My goal right now is to focus on creating a great life for myself. I'm trying to do this FOR myself and not have to compare my life to what I check up on for theirs. Also, I want to figure out how to achieve my life goals without thinking about how my success would affect them if they decided to check up on me. (And, actually, when I have tried to "make them jealous" with info about my new life, it has often backfired on me because they were like "oh, that's great... I'm happy for you" and didn't express jealousy at all. Link to post Share on other sites
dxb Posted July 9, 2009 Share Posted July 9, 2009 Either way, is this bad practice after NC? Yes. There's obviously residual feelings there. I don't know how long you were with your ex but if it was for any reasonable amount of time, the feelings you had won't ever die, they're just suppressed. I'm not really convinced it's ever possible to fall out of love, it just gets filed away on a lower shelf in your brain as time passes. I'd say that your desire to see what your ex is doing comes from this - you're not trying to get back with her because how you feel with her has been moved down a few shelves. And that's where it needs to stay. Looking her up and seeing what she is doing will stir up those feelings all over again and will damage the relationship you now have. If she is still single and alone, you'll feel guilty. If she's with someone else and is happy, you'll feel jealous and maybe even angry. Either way, you'll mess up your head and you might end up messing up your SO's head too. Don't do it. It serves no practical or useful purpose. By the way, despite all that, I fully understand and sympathise with the urge buddy. But you've gotta be a rock, it's the only way to survive. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
asuman Posted July 9, 2009 Share Posted July 9, 2009 Yes. There's obviously residual feelings there. I don't know how long you were with your ex but if it was for any reasonable amount of time, the feelings you had won't ever die, they're just suppressed. I'm not really convinced it's ever possible to fall out of love, it just gets filed away on a lower shelf in your brain as time passes. I have to say that I disagree. I was in a serious relationship with a girl for 3 years, who broke up with me which broke my heart. I was devastated and it took me forever to get over her. But eventually I did get over her. After some time, we got back in contact, and we've been good platonic friends ever since. We broke up 8 years ago and neither of us have ever had any of these "residual feelings" for the other. We openly talk about our relationship issues with the other, and that's actually how we became friends with each other post-dating... we know each other so well in the relationship context that we could rely on the other for relationship advice. She doesn't live in my city anymore and a couple of years ago I actually flew out to visit her and spend time with her as a friend. It wasn't a big deal. We're just good, solid friends. The key question here is recognizing whether you are over someone or not. I wouldn't adopt a blanket rule against contacting ex's no matter what. But you have to know yourself well enough to know what your boundaries are. Any time you meet an ex, there's always that potential of something strange happening. (But then again, that's true any time you meet anybody, isn't it?) Link to post Share on other sites
Exit Posted July 9, 2009 Share Posted July 9, 2009 Leave it alone out of respect for the person you are currently seeing. Maybe you shouldn't even be seeing someone yet if there is baggage left over. Link to post Share on other sites
Author bodie124 Posted July 10, 2009 Author Share Posted July 10, 2009 That's the thing, I know i have the will power to just be friends with this person, but I have my doubts in her case. I'm beginning to think the best thing to do right now is to resist this temptation. I asked myself if I'd even consider doing it if my SO was around, and that pretty much answered it. I'd like to think that I've totally moved on in my life, but how can you help but think of someone you saw every day for four years? I know one thing is for sure, that I don't let this "baggage" encroach on my current relationship. Either way, the person I'm with now means alot to me and to give her the wrong idea over petty curiosity would be unwise. Link to post Share on other sites
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