Does he care and will he want more?

[gobain]

Hi there. Hoping for some advice here. I'm new to this, so bear with me.

 

I've been dating a guy for four months now. I've fallen completely in love with him. He's everything that I never thought that I would find. We had a talk about 2 weeks ago and established that we weren't seeing anyone else but each other. He did express that "if I were his girlfriend" he would have expect me to call him every night and all that because that's what he's used to. I said that we were both busy people and that I wasn't going to do that - it didn't mean that I didn't want to talk to him, I just wasn't going to smother him. He said that this would be an adjustment, but that it was okay, he kind of liked the idea of a woman that wasn't going to smother him.

He also reminded me that I was the one who said that I wanted to take it slow.

 

But now I'm getting mixed signals. Neither of us is very good at talking about how we feel, and we haven't said the "L" word yet. I want to spend more time w/ him and don't know how to ask w/out seeming pushy. I would hope that he would want to spend more time w/ me but for some reason I'm scared.

 

We had our first "tiff" this weekend. I was upset at the way he left on Friday and called him to tell him that. This was Sat morning. I left another message for him later on Sat and another on Sunday. He didn't even call me back when he knew I was upset. He finally called Monday and said he didn't know what he did to upset me but that he was sorry for whatever he did. At this point I was more angry that he blew me off when he knew I was upset.

 

So I guess my question is this: Is this a sign that he doesn't really care about me? Should I even ask for more at this point? I'm so terrible at all this! I am so confused.

[Amberlyn]

I wouldn't interpret his behavior over the weekend as not caring or not wanting to be with you. You said that was your first tiff - I can't speak for anyone else, but the first actual argument in a relationship is always weird because no matter how well you may know the person, you don't always know how they are going to react when the two of you are in conflict. Maybe he deals with that kind of situation by withdrawing from you. Not that that's right or wrong, maybe it's just his coping mechanism.

 

You won't have any way of knowing what's happening in his head unless you ask him. Talking about this stuff is not easy, especially early on in the relationship, but if you don't learn to do it, you probably won't make it as far as I think you'd like to. One of you has to take the plunge and start the conversation, then it's up to both of you to keep it going and keep the lines of communication open. That's something I've had to work on in my current relationship - I tend to steer clear of arguments, because I really don't know how to have a "good" argument. But it's something I'm trying to teach myself, and maybe he's in the same situation. Bottom line, you just have to talk to him.

[gobain]

Thanks for responding.

 

I think you may be right. I never really thought about how strange a first tiff can be. He probably just doesn't know how to deal with me in these situations.

 

I know that I have to talk to him and tell him how I feel but its just so scary. I've always kept my distance - I have trouble taking the chance - but I want it to work w/ him more than anything. At this point I think that he's just as confused as I am.

 

Thanks again.