5 year relationship... Sorry for the length.

[Mermaid151]

I am currently in a very confusing situation and could use some outside advice. This is my situation. I am 22 years old. I started dating my ex boyfriend in high school and he was my first real relationship and only serious relationship. We had known each other since middle school and been friends for a long time, though not close friends. He didn't have a lot of friends because he was a little bit emotionally unstable. I was very shy and also did not have a lot of friends. We started dating our junior year. We became very close and though none of my friends or family liked him and they believed he was rude to others besides me as well as a little strange, I always just felt like no one understood him the way that I did.

 

After awhile, though, things did get out of hand. This was the first and only relationship for both of us and he wanted more of a physical relationship than I felt comfortable with (making out). I ended up breaking up with him. That summer we got back together, but it didn't last long and we broke up very shorty afterwards, again it was my decision. I still had so many uncertaintities and I was young and didn't know how to handle them. Once I had a better understanding I apologized and we got back together and promised never to break up again. Throughout the rest of high school we dated with no further major problems. We became very very close and had agreed on a set of boundaries. Kissing was all we did, as I do not want to have premarital sex. We both agreed to that, and he said he strongly supported it. He was a real gentlemen and didn't make any moves. Still, my family refused to accept him and I had to hide the relationship from my father. It was stressful on both of us, and I still feel terrible about asking him to sneak around.

 

After we graduated, we went to different colleges that were about a three hour drive apart. We didn't see each other much at all and stayed in contact through the Internet. When he did visit he began to put pressure on me to start a sexual relationship. Before dropping me off one night, he told me that he had had traumatic experiences as a child and needed a positive sexual experience in order to heal. I said that I couldn't do it. He told me he might have to break up with me if I wouldn't, but I still had to say no because I have really strong beliefs and really didn't want to do it. The next day I got an email from him breaking up with me. It didn't mention the conversation the night before and it said it was because he was an artist and had to do nude drawings which I would probaby not understand and because he is a giver and all I do is take and take and take. Well, I was pretty upset and I apologized and said I wanted to fight for the relationship. He refused and soon after I cut off contact completely. I blocked him from everything, and then even deleted my email account so he couldn't contact me from any other email accounts either. This lasted for 6 months until one day my brother went missing and I unblocked him on MSN messenger to ask if he had any information since they were still contacts, which he didn't. (My brother was fine by the way. Just stayed at a friend's overnight without telling anyone.) Anyway, we got to talking and we became friends. We got pretty close again and talked a lot. We even still hung out during the times he was home from school.

 

Eventually, we were dating again. At that point, our relationship was pretty much exclusively online. We chatted on MSN for hours every day and he was the person I was closest to. We told each other everything, and I always felt really comfortable with him. I have never had that with anyone besides him. He had told me that he had been drinking and smoking while we were broken up, but it was a mistake and he quit. I thought everything was great, though none of my famiy or friends liked him still. We dated three years from that point without problems, but as I said most contact was online. I really only saw him in person maybe 3 or 4 times a year. Still, we were really in love. We did have some problems with his mental illnesses. He suffered from depression and claimed to have multiple personalities that tried to ruin his life. Also, there was my pretty extreme perfectionism. I held to the no sex thing and he agreed saying that he wanted that too, he was glad we were waiting for marriage, we were being smart, and we were working on a loving relationship and not a physical one. On top of that, I have never had alcohol, smoked, or anything like that and am a vegetarian. When he turned 21, I asked him not to drink. He said that was ok, though I knew he felt differently about it than I did.

 

Next, I graduated with my associates and transferred to another college. This put another hour between us, but it seemed like a good thing because I was on my own and we woudn't have to sneak around anymore. We could also have phone conversations, which was something we couldn't do before. It was going pretty well and our fifth anniversary came around. I worked really hard making an art book with a bunch of sketches of us together since he was an art major. I am not so it took a very long time. When he came he asked me to pay for the gas. I agreed to this in advance, so it was ok. Then we planned to go to the jewelry store to get my finger measured as we planned to get married. However, he got lost and continued to drive around lost for an hour. Then I asked him to stop and ask for directions. He refused saying that men don't do that. I was a little upset since I was paying for the gas. Then we found a Subway, stopped there to eat, and then drove around lost for another hour or so. When we got back, I gave him the gift and he didn't say too much about it. My mom called to ask him about it that evening and he said, "Oh...it was ok" very flatly. I was really worried then because my mom really didn't like him and I knew she would be upset about that. There was a lot of tension between us that day, but I was still sad to see him go.

 

So after that we started to have a lot of problems because he had lost his medical and was off of his medication. His episodes of different personalities were more frequent and we got into some minor arguments. Then one day he randomly unblocked my brother from MSN (they didn't get along) and started to harrass him saying he was a gay atheist priest who wanted to have sex with little boys and hitting on my brother. He meant it as a joke, but it made my brother very uncomfortable and I didn't think it was funny. We got into a huge argument, he blamed it on his other personalities, saying they were crazy and one of them was making plans to kill me because it didn't want him to be happy. I lost it then and broke up with him. It was very hard and devastating because I love him and I never wanted to hurt him and I never wanted to break up. It just seemed like what I was supposed to do and like I needed to do it. Then I told my brother, who told my mom, who called the police. They wanted my to press charges, I refused. I knew he wasn't serious and he was just speaking out of his lack of medication. The police still insisted on contacting him and he was not very happy.

 

We still talked for about a week after that. I asked him if it would be easier for my to stay away, and he said no, he couldn't bear not talking to me. We were also like best friends. Then a few days later he emailed me saying he didn't love me anymore, he blocked me on everything, and I should leave him alone. I understood and I did not write again. Then he started posting things on the Internet calling me a nun and saying he hoped I was hurting. I was very upset, but I didn't do anything. I tried to let it go. 3 months later I got an email from him blaming the entire thing on me, saying I turned him into a 22-year-old virgin, and I am the worst thing to ever happen to him. The majority of the thing was about us being virgins. It also said that he told me everything when he had a problem. I was pretty offended since that was the first I heard about the sex thing in the past three years that we had been back together and he had actually been telling me he wanted to wait too.

 

However, eventually over the next few months I started to feel pretty guilty because I realized he probably felt he couldn't talk to me because of my extreme perfectionism and views, not to mention all of the pressure I put on him to be "pure" and "moral." I felt pretty bad for pushing my own beliefs on him and I really wanted to apologize to find closure. I contacted him over the Internet asking if we could meet, and he sent me a very angry email reminding me of the previous email. I was pretty much expecting that, so I sent my apology for all of that and saying my final goodbye. He once again responded very angrily, but that was ok. I was prepared to move on. I burned all of his stuff that I still had, considered my plans for my future, and was pretty certain I knew where I stood in life...until Monday.

 

I got an email from him apologizing for the way he responded and saying that if I still wanted closure we could meet and talk. I agreed to do it, still really missing him and wanting to understand what really happened between us. So, I met him today and it really didn't take long to see that it was not a closure meeting. I don't even know what it was, but it left me more confused than before the meeting. Basically, we ended up talking just like nothing had ever happened, like best friends, for almost 5 hours. During a few points he came very close to kissing me, but didn't. He admitted he wasn't thinking with his heart, but sexually. He said all of his friends thought I was like a nun, but that I was hot. I wasn't comfortable with that line of conversation, but the rest of the meeting went very well and we still had the same comfortableness and caring as always. But he admitted he thought I should be less uptight and that he was still thinking he wanted sex but wasn't sure if he would leave afterwards or not. Also, after I apologized he said it felt good to be right, I should feel bad about being angry at him at any point during the breakup, and that he felt he had absolutely nothing to apologize for and so he wouldn't. I feel kind of bad, but I don't know what to do. I still have feelings for him and I miss being with him like it was before, but it seems like maybe he only wants sex and I still don't. I still want to save myself for marriage. But I love him. At the end, we hugged a lot and he said he didn't feel closure from the meeting and he may or may not contact me again to have another meeting. So I have no idea what is going on, and I don't know what to do.

 

I want to keep my moral beliefs and stick to them like I have always done, but it hurts so much to lose someone I loved for 5 years who I almost married. He may not contact me, but he might. What should I do? Should I try to make this work? I don't want to hurt him again.

 

Sorry this is so long. I thought it was important to include all of the information.

[NopeNah]

I'm not going to be alot of help here but, WOW!!! Why the hell are you even thinking of wanting to work this out? Sure you were with this nut-job for 5 years but, damn! I can see why your parents don't like this unstable dude. If my daughter was to bring a guy like that home, then I found out some of this 'ish' was going on. He'd be a dead man! No offense but, I seriously hope this is some kinda joke! RUN!!!!!

[guitarplayer1234]

You need to move on, seriously. This guy is not good for you at all. He has way too many issues, has made way too many mistakes and he can't even own up to his mistakes. He keeps mentioning sex and he seems way too focused on it, do you really want someone like that especially when you wanting to wait? Trust me there are plenty more guys out there willing to wait to have sex, and there are those who have the same beliefs and want to wait to have sex until marriage also. Block all contact with him, he's just no good.