Girlygal Posted July 9, 2009 Share Posted July 9, 2009 So i have known this guy for about a year now. (Matt). He works in the office downstairs from me, and from the moment we met we hhit it off. Such a big heart and have matching tattoos (our tattoos were done before we met total coincidence). But anyhow, we get along GREAT! I now know the entire family and we talk all the time. So about a week ago i FINALLY set up a Facebook account. and i was letting all of my friends know from myspace. And i said to Matt "hey you have a facebook page right?" And he looked at me and said "My facebook page is for personal perusing so you can't be my friend on there." I laughed, and figured that maybe it had something to do with the fact that he is gay and doesnt want people to see his dating habits, which i was totally OK with. But last night i was with a mutual friend of ours and i mentioned it to her in a "haha isnt that funny" kind of way. And she looked at me and said. "well most of the stuff on the page is about his gender reassignment surgeries and stuff" So now i am shocked. Not becuase he used to be a she. But because Matt didnt feel like that was something he could tell me. But then here is the real kicker. He MADE a movie about his transition and it is a PUBLIC film. So now i am a little upset, i don't understand why, if he made a movie about it, it is such an issue for him to tell me. In the last year not word one. To be honest, i didnt even believe my friend at first, but there it was on film, so i have to believe it. If you saw him or talked ot him, you would SWEAR he had ALLWAYS been a guy (which i know....is the point of the surgery) But this is the best damn transgender i have EVER seen. so here is the question i am asking: Do i say something to him to let him know i know and that it doesnt change my opinion of him (becuase it DOESNT) Or do i leave it alone and wait for him to say something to me???? Link to post Share on other sites
WTRanger Posted July 9, 2009 Share Posted July 9, 2009 He probably didn't see you as that close of a person to tell you about it, or he's really trying to keep his super-personal life away from his work environment. I'm not saying you'd blab to everyone in the office, but he might not want to even risk a slip up. Gender re-assignment probably isn't something he wants floating around the office. He was probably more comfortable making the movie because he knows that no one outside of the transgender community would ever see that film, so it felt like a safe, yet public in a sort of way, secret. I say let this go. You've stumbled onto something he obviously wants to keep away from you at this point. It could cost you your friendship, your mutual friendship and this guy's friendship with the mutual friend. If and when he finally feels comfortable he'll open up to you. Plus this isn't a, "Guess what I found out about you!" kind of funny topic to bring up. Even if you mention you saw the film, he'll inquire as to what in the world made you look at gender re-assignment films in the first place. Link to post Share on other sites
xpaperxcutx Posted July 9, 2009 Share Posted July 9, 2009 Gender reassignment is a sensitive issue for certain individuals. Sometimes its easier to talk to strangers about it than having personal friends know about one's personal affairs. Respect him and don't question him about it unless he wants to talk to you about it. I have a FB myself, but I don't have more than 20 friends on there because one I don't randomly give it out to people and two, I have an issue with letting just anyone know what I write on other's walls. It's about privacy, and it seems your friend would prefer certain people not know about it. It's not even about not being close to you ( since you already met his family), but for whatever reason, you shouldn't look too much into it, without causing any sort of a rift. Link to post Share on other sites
Ronni_W Posted July 9, 2009 Share Posted July 9, 2009 On the other hand, you now DO know. And keeping your knowledge a secret from him ALSO puts the relationship at risk. I'd suggest just do whatever your own intuition/gut instinct/inner voice is guiding you to do. Am I reading too much into all the question marks and exclamations in your thread title? Or is it possible that he was absolutely correct in his assessment that you would not have been able to handle this piece of very sensitive and very personal information well, if he had revealed it to you directly? Obviously he cares about and trusts you...or he would not have included you in his life in such a way that you could become close with his family. You could do something like, "Er...it's okay to let me be your FaceBook friend now," and then just follow his lead -- drop it if he refuses/doesn't ask a follow-up question. If you are going to be honest with him about what you know, perhaps also let him know that you're just as glad to have found out this way, because you would have hated to give a wrong impression just cos you might have been a bit stunned by all of it. And maybe also say something positive about the movie, and maybe also thank him for caring enough about his relationship with you to have gone to such lengths to protect it. (Given his care and trust, I'm betting that he's been wanting to tell you for a while -- he might be very relieved to know that you know...and that you're totally okay with it.) Link to post Share on other sites
Author Girlygal Posted July 9, 2009 Author Share Posted July 9, 2009 i appreciate the responses. I think the quatations in the thread is because i am in love with ????? and !!!! as i am an extremely expressive person. I think i am going to keep it to myself and let things unfold as if i had never known. Because at the end of the day i view matt as one of the best friends i could ever have. I think that i understand the not saying anything to me with this simple thought. The transition is over, he is no longer associating with the female side of things and lives his life as a male. So to bring up something that is no longer an issue for him or his life may just be a useless topic. A NON discussion as it were. Link to post Share on other sites
Ronni_W Posted July 9, 2009 Share Posted July 9, 2009 The transition is over, he is no longer associating with the female side of things and lives his life as a male. So to bring up something that is no longer an issue for him or his life may just be a useless topic. A NON discussion as it were. That totally feels right for me, too -- even though I don't know Matt or you!!! That's really excellent that you got to that place of understanding!!! (I kinda love exclamations, myself!!! It just was something that jumped at me at the time.) Matt is very luck to have a friend like you!!! Link to post Share on other sites
Author Girlygal Posted July 9, 2009 Author Share Posted July 9, 2009 Thanks Ronnie! Link to post Share on other sites
WTRanger Posted July 9, 2009 Share Posted July 9, 2009 I know you are making the right decision by not bringing it up. I think hit the nail square on the head with your statement: The transition is over, he is no longer associating with the female side of things and lives his life as a male. So to bring up something that is no longer an issue for him or his life may just be a useless topic. A NON discussion as it were. One last thing, it's not like you were snooping and found this out. It just sort of fell in your lap. I'm happy that you are just glad to have him as a friend and you can see past all of this to the person that he really is. He really is lucky to know you and to have you in his corner. Just practice on your, "Oh, this is the first time I've heard about this!" face for if in the future it comes up. Link to post Share on other sites
Island Girl Posted July 10, 2009 Share Posted July 10, 2009 I was going to say, after reading your initial post, the same thing. He is now on the outside who he always felt he has been. He probably wishes there was no "other self" because he doesn't identify with it or those memories of that other time. He probably hopes that he can now live as he is as any other person without having to go through the history or anything else. And that the people he meets and becomes friends with just know him as he is now. I am so glad you came to this conclusion already. I don't think it is a "slight" or that he doesn't feel he can tell you or anything like that. He probably just wants that chapter done and over with and to keep resurrecting the topic and telling people keeps it part of his life now. And I echo other's remarks when I say how lucky he is that he has found a true friend in you. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Girlygal Posted July 10, 2009 Author Share Posted July 10, 2009 Just practice on your, "Oh, this is the first time I've heard about this!" face for if in the future it comes up. LOL, yeah i really dont have a good "suprise" face at all. I willworkon it!!! THANKS ALL!!! Link to post Share on other sites
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