I love my mom, but I can't stand her anymore.

[cyml]

My mom drives me crazy. She makes me feel bad about myself, mad, sad, and constantly makes me feel scared and threatened.

 

She doesn't beat me or anything, but honestly I think mental abuse is worse sometimes. She was severely beaten as a child, and she always told me that she wanted to make sure her kids would have the best childhood ever cause she never got hers. I don't know, but I think some of that abuse she had as a kid has translated into mental abuse that she now gives me.

 

For example, lately, she's constantly yelling at me for so many different things. Like my weight. I'm not exactly the thinnest girl out there, but I'm not overweight. The doctor tells me I'm at a healthy weight, but because I'm asian, and all asian girls are very thin - my mother is constantly making very mean and rude comments about my weight. We had some pictures taken the other day, and she told me that I looked fat and unattractive. Then today, she asked me if I ate all the crackers, and before I could answer, she said she was locking up all the food in the house because I couldn't control myself.

 

I told her that I do want to lose weight, but making comments about how ugly I've become every day isn't going to help me. She replied that only that was going to help me cause I needed reminders.

 

Also, everything I do, she complains about. Nothing I do can satisfy her. I got a part time job because she wanted me to. Instead of being content, she tells me I should get another job because I don't work enough hours.

 

I'm 17 years old. I'm not being a snob or anything, but I'd like to have time to hang out and stuff like that. Plus, I don't use her money anymore, and I don't need that much money. I don't need a second job, but if I don't get one, I'll hear about it everyday so I went and applied for a second job.

 

My parents are also divorced. She's got full custody of us, so whenever she's mad at me, she threatens to leave us. My dad works full time to support us. He bought her car despite the fact they're divorced. He couldn't take care of us even if he wanted. And I can't take care of two kids myself. Every time she threatens to leave us, it does scare me. I try to tell her this and how much it affects me when she says something like that, but she gets all mad and accuses me of calling her a bad mother.

 

Plus, she has this boyfriend. He's a nice guy and all, but I'm not exactly buddy-buddy with him. And she gets mad at that. She says that it's because I'm not happy for her and wishes that she stays unhappy forever. I try to tell her that she can't expect me to treat him like my father. I'm already 17, and no matter what, my father will always be my father. No one can replace that. But then she pulls the guilt trip on me again, and tells me that I'm selfish and spiteful cause I want everyone to be unhappy like me.

 

And then there are the times when she's talking bad about my dad. I don't say anything, because I can't argue with her. My dad might've been a bad husband and at times, not the greatest father ever, but he loves us, he supports us, and that's what I care about. He has his faults too, but I really don't want to listen to my mom going on and on about what a bastard he is. And I can't say anything about that, because my mom finishes all her speeches about my father with "Of course, I want you kids to love him because he's your father. I don't talk bad about him like other divorced parents do, because I understand that you guys are his kids."

 

Obviously, she doesn't.

 

One more year and I'm out of here. She thinks that I'm going to come back and visit and crap like that, but honestly, once I'm out - I'm out. I just don't know what to do with her and I'm sick and tired of her. She not only makes me feel mad, angry and sad towards her, she also makes me feel really, really, really bad about myself. And she wonders why I'm unhappy all the time. Oh... I don't know, maybe it's because my mother remarks how ugly I am every day.

[sally4sara]

Gosh, almost identical to my mother right down to the locking up food. It wasn't my weight though, just a weird punishment she came up with so I couldn't eat food I liked.

 

You're 17. Keep your head down, finish school, and get out of there. Keep tabs on your siblings though. You can help them adjust when they get old enough to escape too. I would advise waiting to burn bridges only if you have to for no reason other than she can make it difficult to check in on your siblings later.

 

Plan for your education. It is the key to never needing to come back before you're ready. Talk with your guidance counselor about your best odds for college and financial aid/grants.

 

You may never see a change in your mother but you can get through this and live a better life.

 

As to the weight thing....

I've noticed that the friends I have that are Asian and their family members seem way more matter of fact, often seeming rude, about weight. One of them absolutely adores her sister, but still refers to her as her "fatty sister" and the girl is what I would consider edging to plump. It might just be a cultural thing and not intended to be so hurtful.

 

Keep your eyes on the prize girl.

[In_Repair]

I have a couple of younger siblings that still live at home with my parents... who are downright impossible to deal with when they have something to hold over your head. My advice to them: Just shut up and deal with it until you can make a better life for yourself. How much rent are you paying? How many of the groceries are you paying for? Who pays for all of the supplies to stock the house? Exactly, so until you can say you that you honestly pay your fair share... respect them for providing for you, and use that as motivation to bite your lip.

 

My relationship with my parents completely changed once I got out of the house. They didn't dislike me, they were just frustrated and misguided in their attempts to make me a better person.

[NotKelly]

Unfortunately (especially in America) we are stuck in a fakey Hallmark Card culture that constantly tells us that our parents are 100% loving and giving and that we should honor and cherish them because "we'll miss them when they're gone."

 

Millions of people whose parents are drug addicts, abusive, manipulative or immature don't exactly feel that way, but they're never allowed to say how they honestly feel, not even to a friend.

 

You're supposed to feel guilty if you feel disappointed by your parents. You're not supposed to say anything. So, we don't say anything... we hold it in... and then we go off and have our own kids, and screw them up while we play out our own psychodramas with our parents' bad parenting.

 

Then the cycle repeats through the generations.

 

It's one of the reasons why I'm glad I never had children. If your parents didn't give you much material to work with, or weren't good role models, what are the odds you're going to be a successful parent? Not high.

[cyml]

So things haven't gotten better. She got mad at me again today because she wants me to find a second job. She insists that she knows people my age who have three jobs and since we aren't the richest family out there - I should get two jobs at least.

 

The thing is I don't need two jobs unless I'm living by myself. I have enough spending money. And two jobs would just be too much. I'd be working six days a week and on top of that - school. I can't do that. I don't want to do that.

 

So I've worked it out. I have enough money in my account to move out for a couple of months and if I keep working I can continue paying for rent. It'll be hard, but at least she can't hold that over me anymore.

 

She's always asking me if I pay the mortgage, gas, bills and food. And obviously I don't. I can't stand having her hold it over me.

 

And after the fight today, I don't know if we can just go by and act like nothing happened. She never listens to me but then she insists she does. If she listened she would realize that I have enough spending money and she has no reason to ask me to get another job.

 

I'm just never good enough for her. And I can't do that anymore. It hurts when your own mother isn't proud of your achievements especially since I did a lot of it cause I thought she would be. I got into AP classes cause she wanted me to. I played piano for 10 years cause she wanted me to. I know they all sound like great things and it's probably because of her that I ended up doing it, but the thing is after I do it, she's not happy and she just wants more more and more.

 

I guess what I'm trying to ask if I should move out. It'd probably damage our relationship forever, but it really sucks. I feel so embarassed and humiliated when we get into fights because I rely on her for so much and because of that I feel like I have no choices. It's either do as she says or suffer.

 

Maybe it's my ego talking. I don't know.

[cyml]

Okay. I thought about it and perhaps this is all my fault. I did say some rude things. When she pointed out that she had to work twice as hard to raise us, I retorted (probably not the wisest or most respectful thing) that I wasn't the one who got knocked up three times and thus I don't have to work twice as hard.

 

But I just feel like this fight was the final straw. Like I can't go back to the prior calm before the fight or go back to anything our relationship was like before. She was crying and I feel so bad about that.

 

And the thing is when she's mad at me and I apologize, she doesn't just take it. She'll give me a cool stare and ignore me for another couple days and during that time I feel so bad and so terrible and so humiliated.

 

I'm afraid if I apologize she won't take it. And if she doesn't than I'd be really scared. It's easier to be mad, you know. It's harder to feel guilty.

 

I'm just really, really scared. Like maybe this time I really screwed it up.

[whichwayisup]

The silent treatment is awful ... It's a form of emotional abuse and to me, is one of the intentional cruelest thing one person can do to another, especially a parent doing that to their own flesh and blood.

 

Do you have an aunt, or another woman close relative you can talk to?

 

Not all this is your fault and please, don't let your mom make you feel like crap. At the end of the day what matters most is what YOU think and feel..Anyone else's opinion shouldn't really count. It's your life and you work really hard. Don't let her make you feel bad!

 

Keep in mind she has her own issues and it seems she takes it out on you, reacting with her emotional baggage. Chances are, this anger and whatever she's throwing your way is more about HER than it is you.

 

Give this time and give her some space..She is your mom, she does love you and when shes' ready she'll talk to you again..

 

Think about family counseling (if she's willing?) it could help the dynamtic get better between you two.

[Eve]

From what you have said I would say that it may be good to try a couple of new approaches with Mom. Firstly put pen to paper and write her a poem. Within the poem state how you want things to pan out in either an abstract or direct form. Abstract may be better because I would say that Mom has been subject to becoming an object through being abused within her past. In total, the abuse has made her overly aware of problems and she has poor coping mechanisms when faced with problems she cannot directly fix.

 

My second suggestion would be to somehow pass on information to a helpline such as 'Parentline'. Parentline are funded by the (UK) government to support parents through every aspect of parenting and the workers are also parents themselves. I hope you can locate a simular service where you live. Mom needs to stop trying to cope with things on her own. Now, most parents will admit to wanting to run away at some point but verbalising this to ones children is not at all helpful. She needs to take away the shame within such a feeling. Facing this will enable her to view other ways of problem solving. At its base, what she is experiencing is a build up of tension which can be resolved with a bit of work.

 

Dont feel over burdened. Cycles of abuse can be stopped.

 

What I see is a woman who was unable to challenge her own care givers and now cannot empathise with her own childrens struggles. You have a voice but are using it in an semi abusive pattern also. For most Moms such behaviours are tolerated to a certain extent but combined with Moms lack of empathy towards you this is a combination that presently cannot work. Both of you need to start preparing for more adult interactions. She may be ok once such a pattern is established between the both of you, then again she may not.

 

Study hard, try the poem idea and see if she is willing to speak with another parent. When I have found it difficult to communicate with my girls I have taken them to my friends house and they have talked to her instead. They love her and she loves them and she always has good advice/just listens. Plus she is a really good cook. This is not a failing. I think that we are supposed to share parenting but Mom has no such outlet. No excuses though, she does need to wake up and smell the coffee and realise that she could loose you - her precious, precious baby girl if she does not make some immediate advances towards change.

 

Chin up girl. Please dont blame yourself. I would say that that savvy quality that you have needs to be fine tuned yet more in a way that Mom can listen and not project her **** onto you. BUT be aware that you may have inherited some of her qualities and thus you two could simply be winding each other up. BTW, well done for getting a job. Mom needs to praise you more rather than look at potential pitfalls. I totally agree that getting a second job is a stupid idea.

 

Regarding the weight, I too tell my girls to watch what they eat. I think most parents do. Mostly they listen and have saturdays as the day for eating junk. Thankfully being young means that you will have a high metabolism so you should be ok to be slightly over your BMI but please dont play with this. It is important to stay healthy. Gosh, Mom needs to not be so forceful t'is all. Its not helpful for Mom to project onto you that you can be so easily damaged. Really she needs to let go of the past and love you for who you are... but still watch what you eat etc.

 

I hope Mom wakes up soon. Many would be proud to have a daughter such as yourself.

 

*Hugs*

 

Take care,

Eve xx

[You'reasian]

My mom drives me crazy. She makes me feel bad about myself, mad, sad, and constantly makes me feel scared and threatened.

 

She doesn't beat me or anything, but honestly I think mental abuse is worse sometimes. She was severely beaten as a child, and she always told me that she wanted to make sure her kids would have the best childhood ever cause she never got hers. I don't know, but I think some of that abuse she had as a kid has translated into mental abuse that she now gives me.

 

For example, lately, she's constantly yelling at me for so many different things. Like my weight. I'm not exactly the thinnest girl out there, but I'm not overweight. The doctor tells me I'm at a healthy weight, but because I'm asian, and all asian girls are very thin - my mother is constantly making very mean and rude comments about my weight. We had some pictures taken the other day, and she told me that I looked fat and unattractive. Then today, she asked me if I ate all the crackers, and before I could answer, she said she was locking up all the food in the house because I couldn't control myself.

 

I told her that I do want to lose weight, but making comments about how ugly I've become every day isn't going to help me. She replied that only that was going to help me cause I needed reminders.

 

Also, everything I do, she complains about. Nothing I do can satisfy her. I got a part time job because she wanted me to. Instead of being content, she tells me I should get another job because I don't work enough hours.

 

I'm 17 years old. I'm not being a snob or anything, but I'd like to have time to hang out and stuff like that. Plus, I don't use her money anymore, and I don't need that much money. I don't need a second job, but if I don't get one, I'll hear about it everyday so I went and applied for a second job.

 

My parents are also divorced. She's got full custody of us, so whenever she's mad at me, she threatens to leave us. My dad works full time to support us. He bought her car despite the fact they're divorced. He couldn't take care of us even if he wanted. And I can't take care of two kids myself. Every time she threatens to leave us, it does scare me. I try to tell her this and how much it affects me when she says something like that, but she gets all mad and accuses me of calling her a bad mother.

 

Plus, she has this boyfriend. He's a nice guy and all, but I'm not exactly buddy-buddy with him. And she gets mad at that. She says that it's because I'm not happy for her and wishes that she stays unhappy forever. I try to tell her that she can't expect me to treat him like my father. I'm already 17, and no matter what, my father will always be my father. No one can replace that. But then she pulls the guilt trip on me again, and tells me that I'm selfish and spiteful cause I want everyone to be unhappy like me.

 

And then there are the times when she's talking bad about my dad. I don't say anything, because I can't argue with her. My dad might've been a bad husband and at times, not the greatest father ever, but he loves us, he supports us, and that's what I care about. He has his faults too, but I really don't want to listen to my mom going on and on about what a bastard he is. And I can't say anything about that, because my mom finishes all her speeches about my father with "Of course, I want you kids to love him because he's your father. I don't talk bad about him like other divorced parents do, because I understand that you guys are his kids."

 

Obviously, she doesn't.

 

One more year and I'm out of here. She thinks that I'm going to come back and visit and crap like that, but honestly, once I'm out - I'm out. I just don't know what to do with her and I'm sick and tired of her. She not only makes me feel mad, angry and sad towards her, she also makes me feel really, really, really bad about myself. And she wonders why I'm unhappy all the time. Oh... I don't know, maybe it's because my mother remarks how ugly I am every day.

 

Your mother sounds like a bitter person.

 

Time and distance will be helpful for your relationship.

[cyml]

We made up but we didn't talk about it at all. My mom is always like that. We fight and after a few days, she acts like nothing is wrong and nobody's supposed to talkabout the fight or else there's another fight.

 

But today, we were discussing my transportation when we got into another fight. I recently got my license and was perfectly happy just having the license and not driving but then she offers to let me drive her expensive new car which I was so excited and happy to hear. She also offered to buy me a car eventually.

 

But later when I ask her about using the car later this week, she tells me that judging by my last driving experience, I cannot drive and she's taking back everything she offered. I was really upset because it feels like she gave me so much than took it away all at once with no options or anything. I was happy before and happier when she gave me those options and now I have nothing. I've already seen what could've been so I can't be happy with nothing now.

 

I might have overreacted but I'm just really upset. My dog ran away when she was in someone else's care because my mom insisted we take a trip wthout her. I admit I blame my mom for her running away. She meant so much to me. Whenever I got into fights with my mom she would comfort me but she's gone now and she might not come back.

 

I don't have anyone to talk to either because my siblings aren't usually on my side during fights like these and because my mom drives away people that are close to me.

 

I used to be really close to my aunt but my mom and her fought alot and now they're estranged. My mom talks about her alot and I don't know if I can believe her and honestly, I don't care. My aunt talked to me, hugged me and listened when my mom shunned me and I just really need that but if I'm caught with her than my mom would be beyond angry and I need a mom more than an aunt.

 

I'm just in a really bad place right now. I haven't felt so sad in a long time.

[BlackLovely]

Unfortunately (especially in America) we are stuck in a fakey Hallmark Card culture that constantly tells us that our parents are 100% loving and giving and that we should honor and cherish them because "we'll miss them when they're gone."

 

Millions of people whose parents are drug addicts, abusive, manipulative or immature don't exactly feel that way, but they're never allowed to say how they honestly feel, not even to a friend.

 

You're supposed to feel guilty if you feel disappointed by your parents. You're not supposed to say anything. So, we don't say anything... we hold it in... and then we go off and have our own kids, and screw them up while we play out our own psychodramas with our parents' bad parenting.

 

Then the cycle repeats through the generations.

 

It's one of the reasons why I'm glad I never had children. If your parents didn't give you much material to work with, or weren't good role models, what are the odds you're going to be a successful parent? Not high.

 

Well written! I can't wait until my mother dies because of all the pain she has caused me. My fiance and I will be childfree and one of my reasons is my abusive mother. The latest nonsense she's spouting is the fact that I only have a high school diploma and work in call centres. At least I don't work at McDonalds and have kids out of wedlock!

[Eve]

Well written! I can't wait until my mother dies because of all the pain she has caused me. My fiance and I will be childfree and one of my reasons is my abusive mother. The latest nonsense she's spouting is the fact that I only have a high school diploma and work in call centres. At least I don't work at McDonalds and have kids out of wedlock!

 

Although I can understand such a perspective to a point I would agree that it is for the best that you have not had children yourself. H'mmmmm, you have remained trapped and to that end your abuser has won over you... entirely.

 

I could never allow that to happen. All this means really is that you have no legacy to pass on. Nor any roots to nurture... ever. Your name will be forgotten.

 

.. Spite is a bitch.

 

I considered my upbringing before having my babies and they are both proud of me for overcoming the poor quality parenting I received. I cant understand how one can continue the cycle unto themselves as such and remotely feel as though they have somehow won????

 

Take care,

Eve xx

[sally4sara]

Although I can understand such a perspective to a point I would agree that it is for the best that you have not had children yourself. H'mmmmm, you have remained trapped and to that end your abuser has won over you... entirely.

 

I could never allow that to happen. All this means really is that you have no legacy to pass on. Nor any roots to nurture... ever. Your name will be forgotten.

 

.. Spite is a bitch.

 

I considered my upbringing before having my babies and they are both proud of me for overcoming the poor quality parenting I received. I cant understand how one can continue the cycle unto themselves as such and remotely feel as though they have somehow won????

 

Take care,

Eve xx

 

From one cycle-ender to another; you're beautiful and so is your advise on the subject.